Folks from the HVAC service company sent out a technician at noon. He looked at the problem, then called his boss, who came out a.s.a.p. (while the tech went on to his next call). The boss looked at the situation and called yet another technician to look at specific things he found. So, in all, 2 techs and one boss responded. I can't fault the response level (after the initial service, perhaps).
Progress.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tommy T's set June 29, 2009 -- with notes
[Added this] Enrique [the comic just before me] wanted me to tell this. I just bought these pants at the big & tall store up the street. Levi's was thoughtful to put a tag that says, "Comfort Fit." What a disappointment. I was hoping for size 50-Anorexic.[some L]
Hello, Tommy T's. How are we all doing? I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] [some L]
FOUR weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain is gone. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. ["Ooh"] Available in the parking lot after the show[L][L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.[some L]
Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but can I tell you about the most laughs I ever got? In line to see the new Star Trek movie. Have you seen it? OK. What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK. [some L] "Glad"? Only to die In battle. [insufficient L] Where are my Star Trek fans???
Anybody here tonight under 30? I'll be 60 in December. [Gesture of begging with both hands] [omitted: Please, I need the pity.] So I've been under 30 TWICE. The first time was way better.
Why? As a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw.[some L] The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it. [L]
At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall [p] I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] [L]
Married 28 years on August 1st. [Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife.] and we're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. Mostly depressed. We got married 8-1-81, 'cause she wanted me to remember. She likes it when I say her name in bed, so every night I have to write it on my hand.[some L]
If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [L][L] We need anti-depressants.
Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America. [L] Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of So Carolina? He disappeared for 5 days, visiting his mistress in Argentina and charged the airline ticket to the taxpayers. Oops. He refuses to resign. I couldn't remember the name of that big mountain range down there. It's the Andes. He imbezzled the money, Andes STILL the governor. [small L]
=====================
[had to omit this bit because of 4 minute limit]
I don't usually talk about this, but the 4th of July is Saturday. My ex-gf from the 70's became a call girl.
It's like I coached her before she turned pro. Screw "Proud parent of an Honor Student." I want the bumper sticker, "Proud trainer of a call girl." She's very patriotic. On the 4th of July she gives a free bj to
uniformed svcmen, while hummiing the Star Spangled Banner. Makes 'em come to attention. You wouldn't boo if she did it to you. Actually, she likes any guy in uniform. She's going to the next Boy Scout Jamboree. Learn to Pitch a tent?
=====================
I had a "Eureka" moment last week. Lemme explain. The California state motto is Eureka, what the guy said who discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) Greek for "I have found it." An "Aha" moment. Here's what *I* discovered. A man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... when she won't play with my straw. Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover. [L][L] [next time add a variation on: "I used to date white ho's, and now I date a black hose."]
You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.
Hello, Tommy T's. How are we all doing? I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] [some L]
FOUR weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain is gone. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. ["Ooh"] Available in the parking lot after the show[L][L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.[some L]
Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but can I tell you about the most laughs I ever got? In line to see the new Star Trek movie. Have you seen it? OK. What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK. [some L] "Glad"? Only to die In battle. [insufficient L] Where are my Star Trek fans???
Anybody here tonight under 30? I'll be 60 in December. [Gesture of begging with both hands] [omitted: Please, I need the pity.] So I've been under 30 TWICE. The first time was way better.
Why? As a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw.[some L] The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it. [L]
At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall [p] I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] [L]
Married 28 years on August 1st. [Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife.] and we're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. Mostly depressed. We got married 8-1-81, 'cause she wanted me to remember. She likes it when I say her name in bed, so every night I have to write it on my hand.[some L]
If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [L][L] We need anti-depressants.
Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America. [L] Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of So Carolina? He disappeared for 5 days, visiting his mistress in Argentina and charged the airline ticket to the taxpayers. Oops. He refuses to resign. I couldn't remember the name of that big mountain range down there. It's the Andes. He imbezzled the money, Andes STILL the governor. [small L]
=====================
[had to omit this bit because of 4 minute limit]
I don't usually talk about this, but the 4th of July is Saturday. My ex-gf from the 70's became a call girl.
It's like I coached her before she turned pro. Screw "Proud parent of an Honor Student." I want the bumper sticker, "Proud trainer of a call girl." She's very patriotic. On the 4th of July she gives a free bj to
uniformed svcmen, while hummiing the Star Spangled Banner. Makes 'em come to attention. You wouldn't boo if she did it to you. Actually, she likes any guy in uniform. She's going to the next Boy Scout Jamboree. Learn to Pitch a tent?
=====================
I had a "Eureka" moment last week. Lemme explain. The California state motto is Eureka, what the guy said who discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) Greek for "I have found it." An "Aha" moment. Here's what *I* discovered. A man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... when she won't play with my straw. Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover. [L][L] [next time add a variation on: "I used to date white ho's, and now I date a black hose."]
You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.
Tommy T's -- June 29, 2009 -- HVAC Problem -- Sigh
It MAY be that the circumstances of life are dragging down my performances lately -- like for the last 2 weeks.
Last night was a good example. We had a service performed on the Air Condition in the house last Thursday and a drainage problem with the water produced from condensation in the attic caused leakage into our middle bedroom -- big time. A boatload (no pun intended) of books and craft supplies were ruined.
We discovered the problem about 5:30 last night (Monday) -- I needed to leave at 6pm to get to the club. I called the HVAC service to try to get a technician out immediately, but they couldn't get here before noon today. [sigh]
We use that room as a combination library / music room / crafts room. We've got a wall of built-in bookshelves, a piano, a desk with sewing machine, etc. We don't go in there every day, and keep the door closed, so the doggies stay out. We've got so many books and miscellaneous things in there that every flat surface is covered, including most of the laminated floor.
Books are damaged to various degrees, M's laptop computer case is ruined, the roof is blistered from where the water soaked through, the laminated floor is warped -- things are NOT good in there.
I didn't learn the extent of the damage last night, instead going to perform while M went up the ladder to the attic to bail out the drip pan under the HVAC unit. She took pictures of everything, moved everything out of the room, and divided the damaged materials into piles in the living room according to degree of damage -- triage, as it were.
Needless to say, I was a bit distracted at the club.
Val -- the MC / bartender -- wisely limited the number of comics to 30 AND cut the length of each performer's set to four minutes, instead of five. It messed up the plans I had made to deliver 5 minutes.
I just couldn't deliver material without constantly referring to notes, which I held in my hand during whole set until the hose bit.
Sucked.
Last night was a good example. We had a service performed on the Air Condition in the house last Thursday and a drainage problem with the water produced from condensation in the attic caused leakage into our middle bedroom -- big time. A boatload (no pun intended) of books and craft supplies were ruined.
We discovered the problem about 5:30 last night (Monday) -- I needed to leave at 6pm to get to the club. I called the HVAC service to try to get a technician out immediately, but they couldn't get here before noon today. [sigh]
We use that room as a combination library / music room / crafts room. We've got a wall of built-in bookshelves, a piano, a desk with sewing machine, etc. We don't go in there every day, and keep the door closed, so the doggies stay out. We've got so many books and miscellaneous things in there that every flat surface is covered, including most of the laminated floor.
Books are damaged to various degrees, M's laptop computer case is ruined, the roof is blistered from where the water soaked through, the laminated floor is warped -- things are NOT good in there.
I didn't learn the extent of the damage last night, instead going to perform while M went up the ladder to the attic to bail out the drip pan under the HVAC unit. She took pictures of everything, moved everything out of the room, and divided the damaged materials into piles in the living room according to degree of damage -- triage, as it were.
Needless to say, I was a bit distracted at the club.
Val -- the MC / bartender -- wisely limited the number of comics to 30 AND cut the length of each performer's set to four minutes, instead of five. It messed up the plans I had made to deliver 5 minutes.
I just couldn't deliver material without constantly referring to notes, which I held in my hand during whole set until the hose bit.
Sucked.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
After Bunjo's June 26, 2009 show
It's 4:30 in the morning. I just now woke up after falling asleep in the La-Z-Dog chair in front of the TV. I'm trying to figure out if being depressed after doing badly tonight is (a) normal or (b) an over-reaction. Am I under-medicated or over-medicated? Was it a SNAFU tonight or am I FUBAR? [you can look up the acronyms on wikipedia] All-in-all, a sort of Hunter S. Thompson evening -- "Hideous Fear and Self-Loathing in Dublin."
I need to work on applying memorization techniques, but I can't remember them [smile]. Maybe I should tell the "Hey, Rose" old-people's memory joke on stage.
Might be a good idea to add references to '67 Summer of Love to my act.
I need to work on applying memorization techniques, but I can't remember them [smile]. Maybe I should tell the "Hey, Rose" old-people's memory joke on stage.
Might be a good idea to add references to '67 Summer of Love to my act.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Bunjo's -- the set I planned to do June 26, 2009
I AM Rich Orwell. A handsome, young comedian, yes, a handsome, young comedian [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"], struggling to overcome anorexia [Pat belly].
Well, I guess you can see, more like Jabba the Hut with a cane and a microphone.[L] Star Wars fans?
I saw Star Wars opening day in May of 1977 and here's my impression of Luke's encounter with the Sand people. You, Sir, be Luke, OK? (act out with cane] "eee - eee - uhh" [sand people sound effect]
Four weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain is gone. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available after the show in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.
I just started doing stand-up and I'll be 60 in December. [Gesture of begging with both hands] Come on, I need the pity. And to think, my wife called me "pre-mature."
Here now, My impression of a man waiting to see the Urologist. "dick - doc - dick - doc" (swing cane like metronome), or for the reason I was there "dick - doc - dick - doc" (swing cane like pendulum).
That's it for Star Wars and the cane.
Is the new Star Trek movie Awesome? ["yes"]
Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but the most laughs I ever got were in line for Star Trek. Ready?
What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK.
"Glad"? Only to die In battle.
I wanna get serious about the news for a minute. No cheap, disrespectful shots at Michael Jackson. But Farrah Fawcett really was an Icon in the 70s. LOTS of people joke now about surfing the web for porn and typing with one hand. In 1976, there was no Internet, only 3 TV networks, Saturday Night Live was fresh and funny, and Farrah's pin-up poster sold over 12 million copies.
Steve Martin hosted the first SNL show of 1977 and told a joke that was as daring for the time as it was original. It went something like this...
Boy oh boy, I am SO mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is SO conceited. She has NEVER called me once. And after the HOURS I've spent holding up her poster with ONE hand! Geez!
She inspired the first nationally televised "With One Hand" joke! Steve Martin, genius. Farrah Fawcett, priceless.
Last Friday, Nestle voluntarily recalled refrigerated Toll House cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Donne would say, "Ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles for thee." too literary?
Fiat will be changing the name of Chrysler to Caveat. Damn? OK, you can believe this. That restaurant sign that says "Carpe Diem" means "the fish of the day is Carp."
The mystery of Mark Sanford, Republican governor of South Carolina, has been solved.
He disappeared for 5 days, and NOBODY knew where he was. Turns out he was visiting his mistress, Maria, in *ARGENTINA*. And busted by a newspaper reporter. Oops.
That newspaper got ahold of his emails. Very lovey, dovey, sappy stuff. In one, he tells Maria he likes her "tan lines." Send an email, it's there forever.
Mark Sanford has a wife and 4 sons. A sister and 2 brothers. And despite public outcry, he hasn't resigned yet.
In Argentina,
Cowboys are called "gauchos."
The plains are called the "pam-pas."
That big mountain range is the "Andes."
Right?
Speaking of Mark's brothers, those tan lines are -- gaucho marks. He acted pompous in the pampas. Andes -- STILL the governor.
And to think, I was worried about finding comedy material when Bush left.
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell.
Well, I guess you can see, more like Jabba the Hut with a cane and a microphone.[L] Star Wars fans?
I saw Star Wars opening day in May of 1977 and here's my impression of Luke's encounter with the Sand people. You, Sir, be Luke, OK? (act out with cane] "eee - eee - uhh" [sand people sound effect]
Four weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain is gone. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available after the show in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.
I just started doing stand-up and I'll be 60 in December. [Gesture of begging with both hands] Come on, I need the pity. And to think, my wife called me "pre-mature."
Here now, My impression of a man waiting to see the Urologist. "dick - doc - dick - doc" (swing cane like metronome), or for the reason I was there "dick - doc - dick - doc" (swing cane like pendulum).
That's it for Star Wars and the cane.
Is the new Star Trek movie Awesome? ["yes"]
Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but the most laughs I ever got were in line for Star Trek. Ready?
What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK.
"Glad"? Only to die In battle.
I wanna get serious about the news for a minute. No cheap, disrespectful shots at Michael Jackson. But Farrah Fawcett really was an Icon in the 70s. LOTS of people joke now about surfing the web for porn and typing with one hand. In 1976, there was no Internet, only 3 TV networks, Saturday Night Live was fresh and funny, and Farrah's pin-up poster sold over 12 million copies.
Steve Martin hosted the first SNL show of 1977 and told a joke that was as daring for the time as it was original. It went something like this...
Boy oh boy, I am SO mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is SO conceited. She has NEVER called me once. And after the HOURS I've spent holding up her poster with ONE hand! Geez!
She inspired the first nationally televised "With One Hand" joke! Steve Martin, genius. Farrah Fawcett, priceless.
Last Friday, Nestle voluntarily recalled refrigerated Toll House cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Donne would say, "Ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles for thee." too literary?
Fiat will be changing the name of Chrysler to Caveat. Damn? OK, you can believe this. That restaurant sign that says "Carpe Diem" means "the fish of the day is Carp."
The mystery of Mark Sanford, Republican governor of South Carolina, has been solved.
He disappeared for 5 days, and NOBODY knew where he was. Turns out he was visiting his mistress, Maria, in *ARGENTINA*. And busted by a newspaper reporter. Oops.
That newspaper got ahold of his emails. Very lovey, dovey, sappy stuff. In one, he tells Maria he likes her "tan lines." Send an email, it's there forever.
Mark Sanford has a wife and 4 sons. A sister and 2 brothers. And despite public outcry, he hasn't resigned yet.
In Argentina,
Cowboys are called "gauchos."
The plains are called the "pam-pas."
That big mountain range is the "Andes."
Right?
Speaking of Mark's brothers, those tan lines are -- gaucho marks. He acted pompous in the pampas. Andes -- STILL the governor.
And to think, I was worried about finding comedy material when Bush left.
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell.
Bunjo's -- Aargh -- OMG
I'm lucky to have Maryann, "Wife Charming." Tonight was the second time she came out to watch me perform, the first time since MY first time on stage, and I was *horrible*. I was muttering about it, walking to the car, when she said, "Don't worry about it. Everybody has an off night." Sweet girl.
My act was mostly topical humor and, as such, not well rehearsed. I got flustered and left out 2 bits I think would have *killed.* [sigh]
Maryann recorded my set, and I'll get up the courage to watch it later. I don't think I'll post the "Actual Set," as I usually do, because I sucked. I will, however, post the set I had *planned* to deliver.
I think it's funny.
My act was mostly topical humor and, as such, not well rehearsed. I got flustered and left out 2 bits I think would have *killed.* [sigh]
Maryann recorded my set, and I'll get up the courage to watch it later. I don't think I'll post the "Actual Set," as I usually do, because I sucked. I will, however, post the set I had *planned* to deliver.
I think it's funny.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
June 22, 2009 -- the Actual Set
[Delivered behind a mic stand, because I needed both hands free]
Eve [the comic who was on before me] talked about the "shower head." [in the context of female masturbation] All I can tell you is -- be careful. Even experts drown doing it. [L] Don't make me get on my knees to show you. [L]
Hello, Tommy T's. How are we all doing? I AM Rich Orwell. A handsome, young comedian, [p] yes, a handsome, young comedian [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] [L], struggling to overcome anorexia [Pat belly] [L]. 60 this year. [Gesture of begging with both hands] Please, I need the pity. [a]
Well, I guess you can see, more like Jabba the Hut with a cane and a microphone.[L]
Actually, Jabba came later. Did you see the FIRST Star Wars movie? Here's my impression of Luke getting attacked by Sand people. You all be Luke, OK? (act out with cane] "eee - eee - uhh" [sand people sound effect] [L]
Three weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain isn't so bad any more. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available after my set in the parking lot [L][L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com [L].
As you know, yesterday was Fathers' Day. Any parents out there? I'm too screwed up to have kids, so we have Cardigan Welsh Corgis, little herding dogs. VERY smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi Can Herd Your Honor Student." [L]
Does anyone else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["yes"] I mean, *I* could have been an Honor Student in High School, too, [p] if I didn't discover drugs and masturbation. [larger L than the last time I told it] What? You guys never choked a chicken? You ladies never let your fingers do the walking? Ladies, lemme say just 3 words -- "Hitachi Magic Wand." A vibrator powerful enough to rock the joy spot of an elephant. Visit my OTHER web site good vibrations dot com. You can thank me later.
Have you seen the new Star Trek movie? Awesome, right? ["yes"]
Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but the best laughs, the most laughs I ever got ... walking down the line of people waiting to see the movie telling a riddle. Wanna hear it?
What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK. [L][L]
"Glad"? Only In battle. [L]
Hugh Hefner, the father of Playboy Magazine turned 83 on April 9th. That's the SAME day my oldest dog turned 12, almost the same in dog years. There's one big difference. My dog can still lick himself, if he wants, but Hef never has to try. [L]
You see he's dating 19-year old -- identical -- TWINS... blue-eyed blonds. Well, maybe not blonds, but you know what I mean. Can you imagine? [p][p] *I* can imagine. [L] They're named Shannon. Shannon ... that's Irish, isn't it?
The Catholic Church makes the twins are use natural birth control. The toughest part is inserting it [show bar of Irish Spring]. Irish Spring. [L] Manly yes, but I like it, too. And Hef would tell you, the scent is invigorating. [L]
I bet he likes it when they kiss his Blarney Stones [L][p], lick his Shamrocks [L][p] and eat his Lucky Charms. [L][p] They're magically delicious.
And you parents know, marshmallow cereal with food coloring is the best breakfast for growing, hyperactive children. [L] And get 'em some Coca Cola to have with it. [L]
With the twins, if one of the girls isn't in the mood, she uses the "Oasis" maneuver. Do you know what that is? I have to turn my head for this. That's where Hef grabs her, and she yells, "Oh -[turn head] Eh - SIS." [L] [and actual groans]
Anybody from out of state? A bit of history. The California state motto is Eureka, what John Sutter said when he discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) It's Greek for "I have found it." Some people call it an "Aha" moment. *I* had a Eureka moment last week. I discovered a man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. [L][L] Very important at my age. [L] Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover. [L][L][L]
That's my time. I'm Rich Orwell.
Eve [the comic who was on before me] talked about the "shower head." [in the context of female masturbation] All I can tell you is -- be careful. Even experts drown doing it. [L] Don't make me get on my knees to show you. [L]
Hello, Tommy T's. How are we all doing? I AM Rich Orwell. A handsome, young comedian, [p] yes, a handsome, young comedian [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] [L], struggling to overcome anorexia [Pat belly] [L]. 60 this year. [Gesture of begging with both hands] Please, I need the pity. [a]
Well, I guess you can see, more like Jabba the Hut with a cane and a microphone.[L]
Actually, Jabba came later. Did you see the FIRST Star Wars movie? Here's my impression of Luke getting attacked by Sand people. You all be Luke, OK? (act out with cane] "eee - eee - uhh" [sand people sound effect] [L]
Three weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain isn't so bad any more. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available after my set in the parking lot [L][L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com [L].
As you know, yesterday was Fathers' Day. Any parents out there? I'm too screwed up to have kids, so we have Cardigan Welsh Corgis, little herding dogs. VERY smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi Can Herd Your Honor Student." [L]
Does anyone else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["yes"] I mean, *I* could have been an Honor Student in High School, too, [p] if I didn't discover drugs and masturbation. [larger L than the last time I told it] What? You guys never choked a chicken? You ladies never let your fingers do the walking? Ladies, lemme say just 3 words -- "Hitachi Magic Wand." A vibrator powerful enough to rock the joy spot of an elephant. Visit my OTHER web site good vibrations dot com. You can thank me later.
Have you seen the new Star Trek movie? Awesome, right? ["yes"]
Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but the best laughs, the most laughs I ever got ... walking down the line of people waiting to see the movie telling a riddle. Wanna hear it?
What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK. [L][L]
"Glad"? Only In battle. [L]
Hugh Hefner, the father of Playboy Magazine turned 83 on April 9th. That's the SAME day my oldest dog turned 12, almost the same in dog years. There's one big difference. My dog can still lick himself, if he wants, but Hef never has to try. [L]
You see he's dating 19-year old -- identical -- TWINS... blue-eyed blonds. Well, maybe not blonds, but you know what I mean. Can you imagine? [p][p] *I* can imagine. [L] They're named Shannon. Shannon ... that's Irish, isn't it?
The Catholic Church makes the twins are use natural birth control. The toughest part is inserting it [show bar of Irish Spring]. Irish Spring. [L] Manly yes, but I like it, too. And Hef would tell you, the scent is invigorating. [L]
I bet he likes it when they kiss his Blarney Stones [L][p], lick his Shamrocks [L][p] and eat his Lucky Charms. [L][p] They're magically delicious.
And you parents know, marshmallow cereal with food coloring is the best breakfast for growing, hyperactive children. [L] And get 'em some Coca Cola to have with it. [L]
With the twins, if one of the girls isn't in the mood, she uses the "Oasis" maneuver. Do you know what that is? I have to turn my head for this. That's where Hef grabs her, and she yells, "Oh -[turn head] Eh - SIS." [L] [and actual groans]
Anybody from out of state? A bit of history. The California state motto is Eureka, what John Sutter said when he discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) It's Greek for "I have found it." Some people call it an "Aha" moment. *I* had a Eureka moment last week. I discovered a man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. [L][L] Very important at my age. [L] Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover. [L][L][L]
That's my time. I'm Rich Orwell.
June 22, 2009 at Tommy T's
I have "mixed feelings" about my performance tonight.
Tonight was my 13th time on stage, minutes 60 through 64. A milestone of sorts. I've now had an entire hour of stage time.
I didn't deliver it nearly as well as I had hoped, but I got the laughs where I wanted them. I'll post the set separately.
In case you haven't looked at earlier posts about Open Mic nights at Tommy T's, they let all the comics who want to perform sign up until 7pm, when the show starts. Tonight there were 38 comics and Valerie (the MC) -- wisely, I thought -- said from now on only the first 30 who sign up will go on stage -- so, get there early. An extra 8 comics means an extra 40+ minutes. Tonight, even with limited time between acts to get the next performer onto the stage, the show ran from 7 to around 10:30 pm. At the end of the show, management picks the top 5 comics of the night and puts them together on the stage so the audience can vote for a favorite. The winner gets 1/2 the door (the price paid for tickets @ $5/each), up to $100. There are always more than 40 people there (we comics pay the $5, too), so $100 is the prize for the night.
I've only been in the top 5 once, and received the smallest votes (by applause) of the 5. But it was a special feeling.
Performing at the club has upsides and downsides. The club seats a LOT of people comfortably. They serve food. There are a variable number of non-comics, maybe around 20-30, several of whom come with friends who are performing. Those factors are the "upsides."
The rest of the room is filled with comedians, nearly all of whom have seen each others' acts before. We all tend to congregate near the bar (at the back of the club) and sometimes talk with each other while other comics perform. Generally quietly, but not necessarily devoting our full attention to each performer. We are also somewhat critical of the other performances -- listening for the new bits in otherwise known sets. It's fair to say it takes a lot to get other comics laughing.
The other major problem (for me, anyway) is that it is a YOUNG crowd. Except for a few comics who are 40+ years old, the room is almost entirely 20-somethings. Many, many of the performers use what I consider over-the-top sexual language (the "F-bomb" and "mother-f-bomb"). There is a fair amount of talk about sex and drugs and TV shows I don't watch.
I went on about # 14 of 38, maybe 90 minutes into the show. The audience was still fresh enough to laugh. By the end of the night, NOBODY had the energy to laugh. I've made the mistake before of getting there too late and signing up for a slot near the end. I'll never do that again.
Anyway, I wasn't in the top 5 tonight, but Val singled out a female comedian named Pat and me as "Most Improved" regular performers. Pat and I are also among the OLDEST performers, but I don't think it was a "be kind to your elders" kind of thing. Pat was better than I remember seeing her before, and I had lots of new material, most of which worked.
Tonight was my 13th time on stage, minutes 60 through 64. A milestone of sorts. I've now had an entire hour of stage time.
I didn't deliver it nearly as well as I had hoped, but I got the laughs where I wanted them. I'll post the set separately.
In case you haven't looked at earlier posts about Open Mic nights at Tommy T's, they let all the comics who want to perform sign up until 7pm, when the show starts. Tonight there were 38 comics and Valerie (the MC) -- wisely, I thought -- said from now on only the first 30 who sign up will go on stage -- so, get there early. An extra 8 comics means an extra 40+ minutes. Tonight, even with limited time between acts to get the next performer onto the stage, the show ran from 7 to around 10:30 pm. At the end of the show, management picks the top 5 comics of the night and puts them together on the stage so the audience can vote for a favorite. The winner gets 1/2 the door (the price paid for tickets @ $5/each), up to $100. There are always more than 40 people there (we comics pay the $5, too), so $100 is the prize for the night.
I've only been in the top 5 once, and received the smallest votes (by applause) of the 5. But it was a special feeling.
Performing at the club has upsides and downsides. The club seats a LOT of people comfortably. They serve food. There are a variable number of non-comics, maybe around 20-30, several of whom come with friends who are performing. Those factors are the "upsides."
The rest of the room is filled with comedians, nearly all of whom have seen each others' acts before. We all tend to congregate near the bar (at the back of the club) and sometimes talk with each other while other comics perform. Generally quietly, but not necessarily devoting our full attention to each performer. We are also somewhat critical of the other performances -- listening for the new bits in otherwise known sets. It's fair to say it takes a lot to get other comics laughing.
The other major problem (for me, anyway) is that it is a YOUNG crowd. Except for a few comics who are 40+ years old, the room is almost entirely 20-somethings. Many, many of the performers use what I consider over-the-top sexual language (the "F-bomb" and "mother-f-bomb"). There is a fair amount of talk about sex and drugs and TV shows I don't watch.
I went on about # 14 of 38, maybe 90 minutes into the show. The audience was still fresh enough to laugh. By the end of the night, NOBODY had the energy to laugh. I've made the mistake before of getting there too late and signing up for a slot near the end. I'll never do that again.
Anyway, I wasn't in the top 5 tonight, but Val singled out a female comedian named Pat and me as "Most Improved" regular performers. Pat and I are also among the OLDEST performers, but I don't think it was a "be kind to your elders" kind of thing. Pat was better than I remember seeing her before, and I had lots of new material, most of which worked.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Happy news
Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, didn't have an Open Mic last Friday, June 19th (they had another scheduled event), but will have one this coming Friday, June 26th. I sent in a request this morning for one of the 12 slots and John (the owner) emailed back almost immediately that I will be in the line-up. That reifies, i.e. makes a reality of the abstraction, that I didn't do too badly when I was there for the first time 2 weeks ago. Very gratifying.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Plans for comedy sets June 22 and June 26, 2009
As Sunday, June 21st is Fathers' Day, I plan to devote lots of time to talking about Starbuck and the other Kids. I'll segue into a new triple-punchline gag I wrote about Hugh Hefner dating identical twin blondes and the Irish Contraceptive they use (you'll need to go to rhetorich-rx to read those). I MAY use idea of taking kids to see Star Trek and the riddle I used waiting in line. Possibly add new Eureka bit (also on rhetorich-rx. Segue to grocery check-out Dino story & close with the Rainbow Sherbet bit.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Road Rage -- Something for the Young
I've moved all three of these posts to the rhetorich-rx blog page. While acting out the rage is something only young people should even CONSIDER doing, my experience was an obscenity, and not suitable for young minds.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Deep Fried Tacos
After I went to Taco Bell, I had runs for disorder.
Popeye the Sailor has proposed a way to reduce terrorism. If Muslim suicide bombers are promised 72 virgins in heaven, he says the way to stop them is to up the ante. Tell them that if they sign up for a cooking class instead, they'll not only get 72 virgins but an EXTRA virgin, Olive Oyl.
Popeye the Sailor has proposed a way to reduce terrorism. If Muslim suicide bombers are promised 72 virgins in heaven, he says the way to stop them is to up the ante. Tell them that if they sign up for a cooking class instead, they'll not only get 72 virgins but an EXTRA virgin, Olive Oyl.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
June 15, 2009 -- the actual set
Val's intro: This next comic coming to the stage -- he's an admirer of mine; I'm an admirer of him. Mr. Rich Orwell. Give it up for him, everybody. [applause]
Oh, Val. [Mic was drooping on the stand] This thing is hanging down like my dick here. [L] I don't understand. Jeez. [L] What, you don't believe it? Don't make me show you.
Before I get started, I've got Attention Deficit Disorder A.D.D. I've had A.D.D. all my life, but didn't get diagnosed until age 45, which means I was pretty-much had 45 years of failure. That's funnier if you have A.D.D. So I have to riff on some of what the other comics did.
Where's the guy who played the guitar. ["Here"] Oh, there you are. I know you play an instrument to get women into bed, right? ["I wish."] [L from people near him who could hear] You wish? [L] Well, a guitar is great, 'cause you can play it sitting on the bed. But lemme tell you, this is better when you're IN bed [play kazoo]. It VIBRATES! [L]
Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. I'm going to be 60. Yes, you can give it up for that. [big applause] How many of you are under 30. [Applause] I've been under 30 TWICE. Yeah. The first time was enormously better. So you should be enjoying it a lot.
I'm another one of the young, aspiring comedians. [p] Young, aspiring comedians. [L] I'm struggling with overcome anorexia. [L]
Well, not so young any more. I used to wake up every morning with an erection. Now it's more like a flex-straw. [L] I don't wanna have to show that. [more L]
Under 30, we covered that. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall [p] I can find the car. [L] Thank you, Pleasanton. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."]
Married 28 years in August. Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife. [a] We're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. She's always depressed but I'm bipolar, you know manic-depressive, so we have fun sometimes. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you wanna kill yourself. I like to pronounce it BIP-olar -- because it sounds more, I don't know, PERKY. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. 25th was the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. Bring a prescription pad.
My wife likes it when I say her name in bed, but I can only remember it half the time. I wrote it on the headboard. Then I got fat. Now she insists on being on top. So I had to write it on the ceiling. But my foot's been messed up, so I couldn't get on a ladder. I needed HER to write it for me. Lemme tell you. That really kills the spontaneity.
Father's Day is Sunday. Any parents here? I salute you guys. I couldn't take the responsibility, so we don't have kids. We've got a cardigan welsh corgi, little herding dog. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student." [L]
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["Yes"] I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [not as much L as I expected]
(I closed with the Rainbow Sherbet bit you can find in the rhetorich-rx blog.)
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Good night.
Oh, Val. [Mic was drooping on the stand] This thing is hanging down like my dick here. [L] I don't understand. Jeez. [L] What, you don't believe it? Don't make me show you.
Before I get started, I've got Attention Deficit Disorder A.D.D. I've had A.D.D. all my life, but didn't get diagnosed until age 45, which means I was pretty-much had 45 years of failure. That's funnier if you have A.D.D. So I have to riff on some of what the other comics did.
Where's the guy who played the guitar. ["Here"] Oh, there you are. I know you play an instrument to get women into bed, right? ["I wish."] [L from people near him who could hear] You wish? [L] Well, a guitar is great, 'cause you can play it sitting on the bed. But lemme tell you, this is better when you're IN bed [play kazoo]. It VIBRATES! [L]
Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. I'm going to be 60. Yes, you can give it up for that. [big applause] How many of you are under 30. [Applause] I've been under 30 TWICE. Yeah. The first time was enormously better. So you should be enjoying it a lot.
I'm another one of the young, aspiring comedians. [p] Young, aspiring comedians. [L] I'm struggling with overcome anorexia. [L]
Well, not so young any more. I used to wake up every morning with an erection. Now it's more like a flex-straw. [L] I don't wanna have to show that. [more L]
Under 30, we covered that. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall [p] I can find the car. [L] Thank you, Pleasanton. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."]
Married 28 years in August. Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife. [a] We're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. She's always depressed but I'm bipolar, you know manic-depressive, so we have fun sometimes. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you wanna kill yourself. I like to pronounce it BIP-olar -- because it sounds more, I don't know, PERKY. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. 25th was the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. Bring a prescription pad.
My wife likes it when I say her name in bed, but I can only remember it half the time. I wrote it on the headboard. Then I got fat. Now she insists on being on top. So I had to write it on the ceiling. But my foot's been messed up, so I couldn't get on a ladder. I needed HER to write it for me. Lemme tell you. That really kills the spontaneity.
Father's Day is Sunday. Any parents here? I salute you guys. I couldn't take the responsibility, so we don't have kids. We've got a cardigan welsh corgi, little herding dog. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student." [L]
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["Yes"] I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [not as much L as I expected]
(I closed with the Rainbow Sherbet bit you can find in the rhetorich-rx blog.)
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Good night.
June 15, 2009 -- the set I meant to do
This was the set I wrote for Tommy T's, but didn't deliver. My fault. [sigh] It would have been semi-great.
Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell.
As you can see, just another up & coming, young comedian, struggling to overcome anorexia.
Well, not so young any more. I used to wake up every morning with an erection. Now it's more like a flex-straw.
Lemme hear you if you're under 30. I've been under 30 TWICE, and believe me the first time was waaay better.
At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."]
Married 28 years in August. Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife. We're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. She's always depressed but I'm bipolar, you know manic-depressive, so we have fun sometimes. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't wanna live any more. I like to pronounce it BIP-olar -- because it sounds more, I don't know, PERKY. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. 25th was the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. Bring a prescription pad.
My wife likes it when I say her name in bed, but I can only remember it half the time. I wrote it on the headboard. Then I got fat. Now she insists on being on top. So I had to write it on the ceiling. But my foot's been messed, up so I couldn't get on a ladder. I needed HER to write it for me. Lemme tell you. That really kills the spontaneity.
Please excuse the cane. I had foot surgery 3 weeks ago, but I'm feeling better now. from Vicodin and Morphine. Available for purchase in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.
Father's Day is Sunday. Any parents here? I salute you guys. I couldn't take the responsibility, so we don't have kids. We've got a cardigan welsh corgi, little herding dog. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student."
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.
At the grocery store last week the girl bagging asked, "Paper or plastic?" I said, "I guess I'll kill a tree, not a dinosaur." She said, "Huh?" I said, "You know, dinosaurs became oil that became plastic." She said, "No, there couldn't have been that many dinosaurs." The checker said, "Didn't you go to 6th grade?" And to think, some people complain about the quality of our public schools.
I was there buying rainbow sherbet. (Insert here the Rainbow Sherbet bit from the rhetorich-rx blog.)
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Good night.
Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell.
As you can see, just another up & coming, young comedian, struggling to overcome anorexia.
Well, not so young any more. I used to wake up every morning with an erection. Now it's more like a flex-straw.
Lemme hear you if you're under 30. I've been under 30 TWICE, and believe me the first time was waaay better.
At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."]
Married 28 years in August. Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife. We're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. She's always depressed but I'm bipolar, you know manic-depressive, so we have fun sometimes. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't wanna live any more. I like to pronounce it BIP-olar -- because it sounds more, I don't know, PERKY. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. 25th was the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. Bring a prescription pad.
My wife likes it when I say her name in bed, but I can only remember it half the time. I wrote it on the headboard. Then I got fat. Now she insists on being on top. So I had to write it on the ceiling. But my foot's been messed, up so I couldn't get on a ladder. I needed HER to write it for me. Lemme tell you. That really kills the spontaneity.
Please excuse the cane. I had foot surgery 3 weeks ago, but I'm feeling better now. from Vicodin and Morphine. Available for purchase in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.
Father's Day is Sunday. Any parents here? I salute you guys. I couldn't take the responsibility, so we don't have kids. We've got a cardigan welsh corgi, little herding dog. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student."
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.
At the grocery store last week the girl bagging asked, "Paper or plastic?" I said, "I guess I'll kill a tree, not a dinosaur." She said, "Huh?" I said, "You know, dinosaurs became oil that became plastic." She said, "No, there couldn't have been that many dinosaurs." The checker said, "Didn't you go to 6th grade?" And to think, some people complain about the quality of our public schools.
I was there buying rainbow sherbet. (Insert here the Rainbow Sherbet bit from the rhetorich-rx blog.)
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Good night.
That Sucked -- Bad
Performance #12. Minutes 55-59. Awful.
There were 35 comics at Tommy'T's tonight. I went on #22, or so. Ridiculous. Some of the audience had gone home and the rest were exhausted by the time I got on. I (1) didn't have my routine memorized, (2) did an ad lib or two in the beginning, (3) was reading from notes, and (4) completely skipped huge amounts of material because I ran out of time. Horrible. Dreadful. Did I say awful?
This was the first time I recorded a set (audio only). I'll transcribe it, warts and all, tomorrow. For now, though, I'll post the script for the set I DIDN'T deliver. It was way better.
There were 35 comics at Tommy'T's tonight. I went on #22, or so. Ridiculous. Some of the audience had gone home and the rest were exhausted by the time I got on. I (1) didn't have my routine memorized, (2) did an ad lib or two in the beginning, (3) was reading from notes, and (4) completely skipped huge amounts of material because I ran out of time. Horrible. Dreadful. Did I say awful?
This was the first time I recorded a set (audio only). I'll transcribe it, warts and all, tomorrow. For now, though, I'll post the script for the set I DIDN'T deliver. It was way better.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Bunjo's set -- June 12, 2009
[From memory ... this felt shorter than 5 minutes and READS shorter, too. I wonder if he cut me off early. (?)]
[BTW, Bunjo's is next door to an Outback Steakhouse, which has an Australian theme and a line in their advertising, "Let's go Outback tonight." Hence the joke near the end.]
Yes, I AM wearing that black shoe Tom mentioned.
I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago, but I'm feeling much better now. Vicodin and Morphine. Available for purchase in the parking lot, [L] or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. [L]
Good evening. I'm Rich Orwell. As you can see, an up & coming, young comedian, [L] struggling to overcome anorexia. [L]
Well, not so young any more. With any luck, I'll be 60 in December. Let's hear it. [A] THANK you very much. I worked with computers since 1968, [acknowledging murmur] before PCs, ["Yes"] cell phones, ["Yes"] even hand-held calculators. Every day we would hunt the mastodons [L] and use their tusks to punch IBM cards. [L]
I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist who married a skinny, little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me, "In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm." [Gasps] Tell me. Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? ["Yes"] So I looked at her and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." [Gasps - L] Mom and I were never very close after that. [L]
Married 28 years in August. [asked for & got applause again] We're still semi-happy together. [L] Very compatible. She's depressed and I'm bipolar. So some days we have fun. Being bi-polar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut [L] and sometimes you wanna kill yourself. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [L] 25th is the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. [L] Bring a prescription pad.
At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall I can find the car. [L] My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], (Pretty cool, ehh?) but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] [L]
9 days till Father's Day. Any parents here? I salute you. I couldn't handle the responsibility for shaping young minds, so I don't have any kids. We've got cardigan welsh corgis, (you know the breed?) little herding dogs. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student." [L]
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["Yes"] I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [L]
Here now the news ...
[got the 1-minute signal]
I have a lot of other stuff, but why don't I just skip to Sarah Palin? [L] Palin's been all over TV and the internet making angry comments about Letterman's jokes.
I know what she would say if she were here tonight. "From the parking lot, I can see Australia." [some laughs] Outback Steakhouse. [more laughs]
One more thing about Sarah Palin. She's got 5 kids, including one with downs syndrome. I think that's enough, don't you? Because, apparently, her husband Todd isn't smart enough to learn to use a condom, I think she should be saying, "Honey, Let's go Outback tonight." [point to backside] [good laughs]
In conclusion, I'd like to do my impression of George Bush in his 1st grade spelling bee. Wanna hear it? The word is "farm" Can you use it in a sentence? Old MacDonald had a farm. Farm -- e-i-e-i-o. [big laughs]
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Thank you and good night.
[BTW, Bunjo's is next door to an Outback Steakhouse, which has an Australian theme and a line in their advertising, "Let's go Outback tonight." Hence the joke near the end.]
Yes, I AM wearing that black shoe Tom mentioned.
I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago, but I'm feeling much better now. Vicodin and Morphine. Available for purchase in the parking lot, [L] or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. [L]
Good evening. I'm Rich Orwell. As you can see, an up & coming, young comedian, [L] struggling to overcome anorexia. [L]
Well, not so young any more. With any luck, I'll be 60 in December. Let's hear it. [A] THANK you very much. I worked with computers since 1968, [acknowledging murmur] before PCs, ["Yes"] cell phones, ["Yes"] even hand-held calculators. Every day we would hunt the mastodons [L] and use their tusks to punch IBM cards. [L]
I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist who married a skinny, little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me, "In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm." [Gasps] Tell me. Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? ["Yes"] So I looked at her and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." [Gasps - L] Mom and I were never very close after that. [L]
Married 28 years in August. [asked for & got applause again] We're still semi-happy together. [L] Very compatible. She's depressed and I'm bipolar. So some days we have fun. Being bi-polar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut [L] and sometimes you wanna kill yourself. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [L] 25th is the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. [L] Bring a prescription pad.
At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall I can find the car. [L] My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], (Pretty cool, ehh?) but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] [L]
9 days till Father's Day. Any parents here? I salute you. I couldn't handle the responsibility for shaping young minds, so I don't have any kids. We've got cardigan welsh corgis, (you know the breed?) little herding dogs. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student." [L]
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["Yes"] I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [L]
Here now the news ...
[got the 1-minute signal]
I have a lot of other stuff, but why don't I just skip to Sarah Palin? [L] Palin's been all over TV and the internet making angry comments about Letterman's jokes.
I know what she would say if she were here tonight. "From the parking lot, I can see Australia." [some laughs] Outback Steakhouse. [more laughs]
One more thing about Sarah Palin. She's got 5 kids, including one with downs syndrome. I think that's enough, don't you? Because, apparently, her husband Todd isn't smart enough to learn to use a condom, I think she should be saying, "Honey, Let's go Outback tonight." [point to backside] [good laughs]
In conclusion, I'd like to do my impression of George Bush in his 1st grade spelling bee. Wanna hear it? The word is "farm" Can you use it in a sentence? Old MacDonald had a farm. Farm -- e-i-e-i-o. [big laughs]
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Thank you and good night.
First Night at Bunjo's -- Surprisingly Fun
This was enormously different from performing at Tommy T's, and far more satisfying. The club is smaller, more intimate. There were only a dozen comics and (perhaps) another dozen customers (civilians), compared to 30 comics at Tommy T's and a variably large group of customers.
The owner/M.C. (John) handled the evening with a professionalism Val (the bartendress at Tommy T's) needs time to develop. He ushered each comic on & off the stage with dispatch -- a comment or two from the back of the room vs. getting on stage between comics.
He had people draw numbers to determine the order in which we appeared -- far more easier than just adding a name to a long list at Tommy T's.
In yet another case of serendipity, during his welcoming intro for the night, John brought up BOTH Sarah Palin (as an example of somebody who probably couldn't handle even slightly "blue" humor) and the national spelling bee! A natural way for me to wrap up the set -- pretty much as I had planned -- talking about Sarah Palin. Plus, one more opportunity for me to refine my "George Bush at a 1st grade spelling bee" bit as a closer.
There was a couple there who had met through an online dating service. I evaluated, then dropped the idea of doing my match dot com bit.
I was 7th of 12, a good place to be.
Tom Anderson, a comic who was up earlier, talked about having a broken toe, but not wanting to wear a special black shoe. Amazing. When I went up, the first thing I said was that I was wearing his shoe. A great segue to get into my set.
I had met/seen about 1/2 the comics at Tommy T's before. It felt vaguely collegial.
Two other big pluses -- no cover charge for performers and decent Chinese food to eat before, during or after the show. The night netted out to maybe $3 more than Tommy T's, but with food.
A few people told me they liked (at least some of the jokes in) my set -- NOT the other comics, but the customers. It was gratifying overall.
The owner/M.C. (John) handled the evening with a professionalism Val (the bartendress at Tommy T's) needs time to develop. He ushered each comic on & off the stage with dispatch -- a comment or two from the back of the room vs. getting on stage between comics.
He had people draw numbers to determine the order in which we appeared -- far more easier than just adding a name to a long list at Tommy T's.
In yet another case of serendipity, during his welcoming intro for the night, John brought up BOTH Sarah Palin (as an example of somebody who probably couldn't handle even slightly "blue" humor) and the national spelling bee! A natural way for me to wrap up the set -- pretty much as I had planned -- talking about Sarah Palin. Plus, one more opportunity for me to refine my "George Bush at a 1st grade spelling bee" bit as a closer.
There was a couple there who had met through an online dating service. I evaluated, then dropped the idea of doing my match dot com bit.
I was 7th of 12, a good place to be.
Tom Anderson, a comic who was up earlier, talked about having a broken toe, but not wanting to wear a special black shoe. Amazing. When I went up, the first thing I said was that I was wearing his shoe. A great segue to get into my set.
I had met/seen about 1/2 the comics at Tommy T's before. It felt vaguely collegial.
Two other big pluses -- no cover charge for performers and decent Chinese food to eat before, during or after the show. The night netted out to maybe $3 more than Tommy T's, but with food.
A few people told me they liked (at least some of the jokes in) my set -- NOT the other comics, but the customers. It was gratifying overall.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
First time at Bunjo's tomorrow (Friday, June 12, 2009)
I'll be one of a dozen comics performing tomorrow night at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, Ca. (You can read about my impressions of the club below.)
I've been trying to decide whether to be intimidated. While I couldn't find a few on the web, I know nearly all of the comics have far more experience than I. My 5-minute set will be my 11th time (50th through 54th minute) on stage. Some of these folks have been around for YEARS.
Searching around the web, I found some have YouTube videos. Several have played at many, many clubs in the Bay Area. I've even played with a few at Tommy T's before.
The right decision, of course, is that I can never get good without experience. I have to be able to accept a little failure (or even a lot of it) as part of the process.
It isn't about stage fright -- I've got none of that. It's about flying in the face of all the perfectionist messages I got as a kid. There was a total LACK of "unconditional love" in my household. Every mistake exposed me to cruel ridicule.
There wasn't even the option to develop the strength to get through it. I was totally programmed to be fearful and weak. Never allowed to grow. Never allowed to dream.
No wonder I never wanted to have children. Knowing how badly I had been damaged as a child, I could never shoulder the responsibility to shape young minds.
There, there. It will be OK.
I've been trying to decide whether to be intimidated. While I couldn't find a few on the web, I know nearly all of the comics have far more experience than I. My 5-minute set will be my 11th time (50th through 54th minute) on stage. Some of these folks have been around for YEARS.
Searching around the web, I found some have YouTube videos. Several have played at many, many clubs in the Bay Area. I've even played with a few at Tommy T's before.
The right decision, of course, is that I can never get good without experience. I have to be able to accept a little failure (or even a lot of it) as part of the process.
It isn't about stage fright -- I've got none of that. It's about flying in the face of all the perfectionist messages I got as a kid. There was a total LACK of "unconditional love" in my household. Every mistake exposed me to cruel ridicule.
There wasn't even the option to develop the strength to get through it. I was totally programmed to be fearful and weak. Never allowed to grow. Never allowed to dream.
No wonder I never wanted to have children. Knowing how badly I had been damaged as a child, I could never shoulder the responsibility to shape young minds.
There, there. It will be OK.
Source of my A.D.D. -- Cigarettes?
I wanna talk a little about Attention Deficit Disorder, A.D.D. It wasn't something doctors knew about when I was a kid. So I was a labeled a "behavior problem" and a "class clown."
I've had A.D.D. all my life, but wasn't diagnosed until 15 years ago, which pretty-much means I was a failure for the first 45 years.
I have an unscientific theory about how I got it. My mother smoked 3 packs of unfiltered Camel cigarettes every day of her life from age 18 on, including when she was pregnant with me. (I can tell even you hard-core smokers are impressed.)
I basically gestated in a toxic waste dump. I wanted to get out so badly that I fought and twisted around in the womb. I got stuck during birth because I had wound my umbilical cord 4 1/2 times around my neck. The doctor had to reach in with forceps and grab my skull, very narrowly avoiding taking out my left eye, and untwist me.
I think he missed a real opportunity afterwards to say to my mother, "Well, Meredith, how did you like getting UN-screwed?"
Anyway, I think it's reasonable to assume drowning an embryo in a nicotine solution for 9 months might create some chemical imbalance issues.
So, DON'T offer me a cigarette.
I've had A.D.D. all my life, but wasn't diagnosed until 15 years ago, which pretty-much means I was a failure for the first 45 years.
I have an unscientific theory about how I got it. My mother smoked 3 packs of unfiltered Camel cigarettes every day of her life from age 18 on, including when she was pregnant with me. (I can tell even you hard-core smokers are impressed.)
I basically gestated in a toxic waste dump. I wanted to get out so badly that I fought and twisted around in the womb. I got stuck during birth because I had wound my umbilical cord 4 1/2 times around my neck. The doctor had to reach in with forceps and grab my skull, very narrowly avoiding taking out my left eye, and untwist me.
I think he missed a real opportunity afterwards to say to my mother, "Well, Meredith, how did you like getting UN-screwed?"
Anyway, I think it's reasonable to assume drowning an embryo in a nicotine solution for 9 months might create some chemical imbalance issues.
So, DON'T offer me a cigarette.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tommy T's experience June 8, 2009
Semi-fun times last night at Tommy T's in Pleasanton.
There was a 17-year old kid from Livermore High School who won the big bucks. He had talked his teacher into letting him do stand-up for his "Senior Project." I sniffed the net & found he had some stage experience (playing a part in a school production of Les Miz). He had a posse of kids from school w/ him (probably 20+) who voted for him, but would have won anyway. Good stage presence & material.
I think the other comics & I were a bit thrown by the makeup of the audience. While Enrique & Erin were funny, and just as crude as ever, most the regulars toned down the "Adult" humor. When Erin talked about her bf going down on her, some of the 17/18-yr old girls hid their faces in their hands laughing.
We each got to do 7-minute sets, so I would have used my "eating rainbow sherbet is like going down on a redheaded girl" and other bits, but for the "yutes" in the crowd. Tough to find common ground w/ them, altho limited drug, masturbation & movie references (Star Trek & Gremlins) worked.
Political bits & reference to botox flew right over their heads. I thought about it in my sleep (back-burner thinking) and would have done a tighter/audience-oriented set had known they would be there. Should have talked about being an actual 1967-era hippie & hunting mastodons in my youth, but it was not very realistic to expect them to relate to grandpa.
There was a 17-year old kid from Livermore High School who won the big bucks. He had talked his teacher into letting him do stand-up for his "Senior Project." I sniffed the net & found he had some stage experience (playing a part in a school production of Les Miz). He had a posse of kids from school w/ him (probably 20+) who voted for him, but would have won anyway. Good stage presence & material.
I think the other comics & I were a bit thrown by the makeup of the audience. While Enrique & Erin were funny, and just as crude as ever, most the regulars toned down the "Adult" humor. When Erin talked about her bf going down on her, some of the 17/18-yr old girls hid their faces in their hands laughing.
We each got to do 7-minute sets, so I would have used my "eating rainbow sherbet is like going down on a redheaded girl" and other bits, but for the "yutes" in the crowd. Tough to find common ground w/ them, altho limited drug, masturbation & movie references (Star Trek & Gremlins) worked.
Political bits & reference to botox flew right over their heads. I thought about it in my sleep (back-burner thinking) and would have done a tighter/audience-oriented set had known they would be there. Should have talked about being an actual 1967-era hippie & hunting mastodons in my youth, but it was not very realistic to expect them to relate to grandpa.
Tommy T's set June 8, 2009
[NOT recorded, but from memory & the notes I prepared in advance.]
[Val offered me a chair, which I refused. Ended up leaning against the back wall. Should have taken the chair & gotten closer to the audience.]
Please excuse the cane. I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago, but I'm feeling fine now. I've got Vicodin and Morphine. ... Available for purchase in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. [So I gotta work from notes. I'm a little groggy from the meds.]
There was a guy earlier who mentioned condoms. Ladies, I don't mean to brag, but I use Magnum condoms, and they're a tight fit. I wear them in the shower on my left foot. Remember the movie Gremlins? Never feed them after midnight and never get them wet. [That's what the doctor told me about my foot.]
Welcome to the 43rd minute of my stand-up career, my 10th time here. Someday, when I'm famous, you can say, "I was there back when he sucked."
My ADD has kicked in, so I wanna riff on something another guy said. Was it Even, who talked about George Bush sweating during in a spelling bee? [Bush spelling "farm" bit]
You all are waay under 30. I've been under 30 TWICE. Believe me, the 1st time's way better.
If I'm lucky, I'll be 60 in December. Yes, THANK you for the applause. Married 28 years August 1st. We got married 8-1-81, to make it easy to remember, which as it turns out is a good thing now. Do you have a mall in Livermore? At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall in Pleasanton I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. [Digital recorder bit]
After 28 years, we're still semi-happy together. Actually, I'm still bipolar but wife is depressed. So if you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 28th is the Zoloft/Abilify anniversary. Bring a prescription pad.
Enough about me.
Any Star Trek fans here tonight? See the movie? Awesome, right? Saw it opening day in IMAX. Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up but the best laughs I ever got .... walking up and down the line of people waiting for the movie telling my Star Trek riddle. Wanna hear it?
What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? zi-PLOK. Works every time with the right audience.
Anybody got one of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers? [Boos & cries of "No!"] Good. I find those things really annoying. I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [laughs]
I've got Cardigan Welsh Corgis. Helding dogs. I've got a bumper sticker that says, "My Corgi can herd your honor student."
You know Former Vice President Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz are going around to the media defending torture, right? When Liz was in school, Dick Cheney had a bumper sticker that said, "My child is a Student of the Draw and Quarter." Don't get it? Rent a DVD of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. [totally died]
The Tony Awards were last night. [Surprisingly big response from the "theater arts" types] Who cares? It's all about New York Broadway shows. I don't even watch the Oscars any more. But speaking of the Oscars, I heard Rush Limbaugh wants an Oscar. Oscar MAYER. Isn't he like the poster child for all things pork? 'Cause everything Rush Lim-baugh say is B-O-L-O-G-N-A. [Died. Rush Limbaugh???]
But forget about Cheney and Limbaugh.
I think Obama's amazing. Do you agree? SMART president ... for a change. Did you watch "Obama's White House" on NBC last week? Maybe had to watch it for school. Barack and Michelle. Very cool. And You had to like Bo the dog.
Where are my dog lovers? You know when a dog is confused and cocks his head to one side and raises his eyebrows? Bo doesn't do that. Sure he cocks his head, but his eyebrows don't move. Bo's just his nickname. His full name is Bo-Tox. Botox? Eyebrows? You'll get it on the way home. [total silence -- 17-yr olds don't need/know about botox]
[left out the following, for 2 reasons: 1. They're too young to remember Monica & 2. It's crude. >> Bo seemed right at home in the White House. I hear he's already as comfortable under the desk in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky. That's mean. <<
I had "adult" humor I'd usually tell here, but I'll leave it out. You can read it on my blog at rhetorich dot com.
I'm Rich Orwell. Thank you and good night.
[Val offered me a chair, which I refused. Ended up leaning against the back wall. Should have taken the chair & gotten closer to the audience.]
Please excuse the cane. I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago, but I'm feeling fine now. I've got Vicodin and Morphine. ... Available for purchase in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. [So I gotta work from notes. I'm a little groggy from the meds.]
There was a guy earlier who mentioned condoms. Ladies, I don't mean to brag, but I use Magnum condoms, and they're a tight fit. I wear them in the shower on my left foot. Remember the movie Gremlins? Never feed them after midnight and never get them wet. [That's what the doctor told me about my foot.]
Welcome to the 43rd minute of my stand-up career, my 10th time here. Someday, when I'm famous, you can say, "I was there back when he sucked."
My ADD has kicked in, so I wanna riff on something another guy said. Was it Even, who talked about George Bush sweating during in a spelling bee? [Bush spelling "farm" bit]
You all are waay under 30. I've been under 30 TWICE. Believe me, the 1st time's way better.
If I'm lucky, I'll be 60 in December. Yes, THANK you for the applause. Married 28 years August 1st. We got married 8-1-81, to make it easy to remember, which as it turns out is a good thing now. Do you have a mall in Livermore? At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall in Pleasanton I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. [Digital recorder bit]
After 28 years, we're still semi-happy together. Actually, I'm still bipolar but wife is depressed. So if you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 28th is the Zoloft/Abilify anniversary. Bring a prescription pad.
Enough about me.
Any Star Trek fans here tonight? See the movie? Awesome, right? Saw it opening day in IMAX. Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up but the best laughs I ever got .... walking up and down the line of people waiting for the movie telling my Star Trek riddle. Wanna hear it?
What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? zi-PLOK. Works every time with the right audience.
Anybody got one of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers? [Boos & cries of "No!"] Good. I find those things really annoying. I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [laughs]
I've got Cardigan Welsh Corgis. Helding dogs. I've got a bumper sticker that says, "My Corgi can herd your honor student."
You know Former Vice President Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz are going around to the media defending torture, right? When Liz was in school, Dick Cheney had a bumper sticker that said, "My child is a Student of the Draw and Quarter." Don't get it? Rent a DVD of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. [totally died]
The Tony Awards were last night. [Surprisingly big response from the "theater arts" types] Who cares? It's all about New York Broadway shows. I don't even watch the Oscars any more. But speaking of the Oscars, I heard Rush Limbaugh wants an Oscar. Oscar MAYER. Isn't he like the poster child for all things pork? 'Cause everything Rush Lim-baugh say is B-O-L-O-G-N-A. [Died. Rush Limbaugh???]
But forget about Cheney and Limbaugh.
I think Obama's amazing. Do you agree? SMART president ... for a change. Did you watch "Obama's White House" on NBC last week? Maybe had to watch it for school. Barack and Michelle. Very cool. And You had to like Bo the dog.
Where are my dog lovers? You know when a dog is confused and cocks his head to one side and raises his eyebrows? Bo doesn't do that. Sure he cocks his head, but his eyebrows don't move. Bo's just his nickname. His full name is Bo-Tox. Botox? Eyebrows? You'll get it on the way home. [total silence -- 17-yr olds don't need/know about botox]
[left out the following, for 2 reasons: 1. They're too young to remember Monica & 2. It's crude. >> Bo seemed right at home in the White House. I hear he's already as comfortable under the desk in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky. That's mean. <<
I had "adult" humor I'd usually tell here, but I'll leave it out. You can read it on my blog at rhetorich dot com.
I'm Rich Orwell. Thank you and good night.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Liz Cheney Rewritten for Stand-up
The Liz Cheney version was for reading. This is for telling on stage, with a separate intro joke.
Any "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" people in here? Good. I find those bumper stickers really annoying. I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.
You know Former VP Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz are making the rounds defending torture, right? When Liz was in school, Dick Cheney had a bumper sticker that said, "My child was a Student of the Draw and Quarter."
I still think it's possible that people won't get this -- they only know the past tense version, "drawn and quartered". Plus, they're used to the bumper sticker ending with the name of a school. I don't want to get into the whole "Lived in McLean, Virginia" exposition. We'll see. At least the intro stands on its own.
Any "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" people in here? Good. I find those bumper stickers really annoying. I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.
You know Former VP Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz are making the rounds defending torture, right? When Liz was in school, Dick Cheney had a bumper sticker that said, "My child was a Student of the Draw and Quarter."
I still think it's possible that people won't get this -- they only know the past tense version, "drawn and quartered". Plus, they're used to the bumper sticker ending with the name of a school. I don't want to get into the whole "Lived in McLean, Virginia" exposition. We'll see. At least the intro stands on its own.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Bunjo's set 1st Draft -- Done
No Big&Tall Store, no Macaroni Grill, no dating web sites, or Rush Limbaugh. 4 minutes, 40 seconds. Only one I should reconsider telling is "match dot com", but it runs 35-40 seconds. If you wanna read the jokes, look at my last post & Search this blog site. All but but the "Big&Tall Store" and "Macaroni Grill" bits are in here.
I'll take a second pass at it tomorrow.
Time now to focus on Monday's set for Tommy T's.
I'll take a second pass at it tomorrow.
Time now to focus on Monday's set for Tommy T's.
Working notes for Bunjo's set next week
Probably start w/ a little about myself (surgery, age, memory [w/ digital recorder], etc.), then tell some Dublin-specific stuff (Big & Tall store, Outback Steakhouse [1 or 2, depending if I wanna get into "Plan B" adult humor], Macaroni Grill story, "Up" & "Star Trek" movies at Regal Hacienda Crossings. Get into dating sites, marriage. Get political: Obama & Bo -- 2nd Outback joke goes AFTER Monica, Liz Cheney & maybe Rush Limbaugh <= depending on reception. Need to cut that down to 5 minutes, including an as-yet-unwritten big finish. Need 2 sets (depending on what I hear about them allowing "blue" material) - one clean & one not.
New (to me) Club
Stopped by Bunjo's in Dublin, CA, for the first time tonight. They have a procedure for getting stage time on any given Friday Open Mic night. It requires sending a request earlier in the week, but I didn't know they were around until yesterday. There was a (slim) chance I could have gotten up there anyway (they save a limited number of slots for walk-ins), but my foot was hurting from the surgery last week and Maryann was tired, so we left before the show started. No doubt better to go on for the first time there with a tight set prepared, so I'll try for next week instead.
Met the owner, John, and a very nice Scottish woman (Julie or Julia?) to whom I told my "Glottal Stops Here" joke (from my Comedy Frustration #2 post of material too abstruse to tell to a general audience). She genuinely laughed at it (my first laugh telling it in several years, methinks) and thanked me for it when we were leaving. I told it to another comic (my age?) who was neither a Star Trek fan nor a linguist nor Scottish, but with the same horrible result I used to get. Maybe I should only tell it to Scottish people... ?
I started sniffing around the web for info on the club & its owner. He has a picture of him & his waaay cute dog on the meetup networking site. I sent him an email with links to this blog & to pix of Starbuck et al on the mycorgi.com site.
Met the owner, John, and a very nice Scottish woman (Julie or Julia?) to whom I told my "Glottal Stops Here" joke (from my Comedy Frustration #2 post of material too abstruse to tell to a general audience). She genuinely laughed at it (my first laugh telling it in several years, methinks) and thanked me for it when we were leaving. I told it to another comic (my age?) who was neither a Star Trek fan nor a linguist nor Scottish, but with the same horrible result I used to get. Maybe I should only tell it to Scottish people... ?
I started sniffing around the web for info on the club & its owner. He has a picture of him & his waaay cute dog on the meetup networking site. I sent him an email with links to this blog & to pix of Starbuck et al on the mycorgi.com site.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Zabout Time (again)
Jon Stewart on the June 3, 2009 edition of "The Daily Show" had video of Dick Cheney publicly blaming Richard A. (Dick) Clarke for the attacks on 9/11.
You can see the full episode here. Unbelievable.
In the video clip, Cheney referred to a piece Richard Clack wrote for the Washington Post on Sunday, May 31, 2009. Even if you don't read the 9/11 Commission report or Clarke's book "Against All Enemies", you owe it to yourself to read the Post article.
For once, I'm not joking.
You can see the full episode here. Unbelievable.
In the video clip, Cheney referred to a piece Richard Clack wrote for the Washington Post on Sunday, May 31, 2009. Even if you don't read the 9/11 Commission report or Clarke's book "Against All Enemies", you owe it to yourself to read the Post article.
For once, I'm not joking.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
We are TiVo
Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!
It is difficult to imagine not having a Digital Video Recorder (DVR). We pay COMCAST every month for 2 of them, one hooked up to the bedroom TV and the other in the family room. Each machine can record 2 programs at once. Maryann (wife charming) records her shows in the bedroom, while I use the other one.
Tonight is the first of two one-hour shows on NBC called "Obama's White House." I am recording it. I am also recording "Earth 2100", which has some pretty dire predictions about what the future may hold.
So now I can relax.
It is difficult to imagine not having a Digital Video Recorder (DVR). We pay COMCAST every month for 2 of them, one hooked up to the bedroom TV and the other in the family room. Each machine can record 2 programs at once. Maryann (wife charming) records her shows in the bedroom, while I use the other one.
Tonight is the first of two one-hour shows on NBC called "Obama's White House." I am recording it. I am also recording "Earth 2100", which has some pretty dire predictions about what the future may hold.
So now I can relax.
June 1st Set
Most of my comedy set Monday, June 1st at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, Ca. I delivered it sitting in a chair on stage with my left leg raised onto another chair seat next to it.
I hope you'll excuse me if I sit here. I had foot surgery last Wednesday (for the 4th time). The pain isn't too bad really. I've got prescriptions for Tramadol, Vicodin and (my favorite) Morphine. I'll be selling them in the parking lot after the show, or you can get them on my website, controlledsubstances dot com.
I'm also taking antibiotics. Anybody here ever take antibiotics? Then you probably know the side effects. You know that Sheryl Crow song, "Every Day is a Winding Road -- [add "I get a little bit closer"]"? One side effect is that you wanna sing it "Every Fart Has a Wet Surprise" [pause] Can I get a little bit grosser?
Welcome to the 38th through 42nd minute of my comedy career, my 9th time here. Someday you can say, "I saw him when he sucked." If it takes 10 years to get good at this, I may not have enough time. [some laughs] I'm going to be 60 this year. [applause] Thank you for that. Who really deserves applause, though, is my wife. We've been married for 28 years. [some applause]
If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid [Pharmacy]. [big laughs] The 28th is the Zoloft/Abilify anniversary. She's depressed because I'm bi-polar. Bring your prescription pads. [add: Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. "Ask your doctor about Abilify."]
Back in 1967, I used to be an actual Hippie, like the ones in your history book pictures. [add: You need to imagine me a hundred pounds lighter, with ...] Shoulder length hair, [add: and] constant shit-eating grin [delete: and very safe.]. [add: There was never a reason, day or night, to be afraid walking alone in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco.] You know that expression, "Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes"? My eyes HAD no whites. They were totally red, ALL the time.
Barack Obama is awesome. He not only can talk, but he can learn, too. Compare that to George Bush. He heard "Old MacDonald had a Farm" a few times in kindergarten. You know the National Spelling Bee was last week, right? Here is my impression of George Bush in his first spelling bee. [Judge] The word is "Farm". [Bush] "Farm. E-I-E-I-O. Farm." [Despite the fact I love this joke, it continues to get NO laughs. Maybe it's time to stop telling it.]
Tomorrow and Wednesday at 9pm, NBC will show "Obama's White House" -- no joke. The President, his wife Michelle, and the girls will conduct a tour ... AND you get to see Bo the dog, too.
Bo is settling in nicely. He's already as comfortable on all 4s in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky.
Where are my dog owners? You know when your dog is confused and he cocks his heads to one side, raises his eyebrows [acted out] [add: and says "Huh?" (Scooby Doo dog sound)] Bo doesn't do that. He turns his head, but his eyebrows don't move. His last name is "Tox." [silence] You know, "Botox"? [some laughs] I gotta get some better material [more laughs]
MY dog turned 12 last April 9th, that's 84 in dog years. You know who else had a birthday on April 9th? Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Magazine guy. He's 83. Now, I envy my dog's ability to lick his balls at his age, but Hefner's dating [add: Karissa and Kirsten Shannon,] 19-year old blonde TWINS who do that FOR him, so I envy HIM more.
Rush Limbaugh doesn't like the fact Obama nominated Sonia So-to-ma-YOR to the Supreme Court. He doesn't seem to have a problem, though, with Os-car Ma-YER. [not many people got it. next time, hold up an empty Oscar Mayer bologna package and add: Does this help?] He's like the poster child for all pork products. [sing] 'Cuz Rush Lim-baugh ... has a way ... with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.
That was pretty-much all of it. Time seemed to go by very quickly, so there was a lot of material I had planned to do that I never got around to doing. [sigh] The post below, Tonight's Open Mic Was Canceled, has a lot more.
I hope you'll excuse me if I sit here. I had foot surgery last Wednesday (for the 4th time). The pain isn't too bad really. I've got prescriptions for Tramadol, Vicodin and (my favorite) Morphine. I'll be selling them in the parking lot after the show, or you can get them on my website, controlledsubstances dot com.
I'm also taking antibiotics. Anybody here ever take antibiotics? Then you probably know the side effects. You know that Sheryl Crow song, "Every Day is a Winding Road -- [add "I get a little bit closer"]"? One side effect is that you wanna sing it "Every Fart Has a Wet Surprise" [pause] Can I get a little bit grosser?
Welcome to the 38th through 42nd minute of my comedy career, my 9th time here. Someday you can say, "I saw him when he sucked." If it takes 10 years to get good at this, I may not have enough time. [some laughs] I'm going to be 60 this year. [applause] Thank you for that. Who really deserves applause, though, is my wife. We've been married for 28 years. [some applause]
If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid [Pharmacy]. [big laughs] The 28th is the Zoloft/Abilify anniversary. She's depressed because I'm bi-polar. Bring your prescription pads. [add: Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. "Ask your doctor about Abilify."]
Back in 1967, I used to be an actual Hippie, like the ones in your history book pictures. [add: You need to imagine me a hundred pounds lighter, with ...] Shoulder length hair, [add: and] constant shit-eating grin [delete: and very safe.]. [add: There was never a reason, day or night, to be afraid walking alone in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco.] You know that expression, "Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes"? My eyes HAD no whites. They were totally red, ALL the time.
Barack Obama is awesome. He not only can talk, but he can learn, too. Compare that to George Bush. He heard "Old MacDonald had a Farm" a few times in kindergarten. You know the National Spelling Bee was last week, right? Here is my impression of George Bush in his first spelling bee. [Judge] The word is "Farm". [Bush] "Farm. E-I-E-I-O. Farm." [Despite the fact I love this joke, it continues to get NO laughs. Maybe it's time to stop telling it.]
Tomorrow and Wednesday at 9pm, NBC will show "Obama's White House" -- no joke. The President, his wife Michelle, and the girls will conduct a tour ... AND you get to see Bo the dog, too.
Bo is settling in nicely. He's already as comfortable on all 4s in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky.
Where are my dog owners? You know when your dog is confused and he cocks his heads to one side, raises his eyebrows [acted out] [add: and says "Huh?" (Scooby Doo dog sound)] Bo doesn't do that. He turns his head, but his eyebrows don't move. His last name is "Tox." [silence] You know, "Botox"? [some laughs] I gotta get some better material [more laughs]
MY dog turned 12 last April 9th, that's 84 in dog years. You know who else had a birthday on April 9th? Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Magazine guy. He's 83. Now, I envy my dog's ability to lick his balls at his age, but Hefner's dating [add: Karissa and Kirsten Shannon,] 19-year old blonde TWINS who do that FOR him, so I envy HIM more.
Rush Limbaugh doesn't like the fact Obama nominated Sonia So-to-ma-YOR to the Supreme Court. He doesn't seem to have a problem, though, with Os-car Ma-YER. [not many people got it. next time, hold up an empty Oscar Mayer bologna package and add: Does this help?] He's like the poster child for all pork products. [sing] 'Cuz Rush Lim-baugh ... has a way ... with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.
That was pretty-much all of it. Time seemed to go by very quickly, so there was a lot of material I had planned to do that I never got around to doing. [sigh] The post below, Tonight's Open Mic Was Canceled, has a lot more.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Didn't Suck Too Bad
Tonight was my 9th time on stage at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, Ca., minutes 38 through 42. I probably had 20 minutes of material ready, but 40 comics showed up for Open Mic. With each set limited to 5 minutes, plus one minute of M.C. time in between, the show ran for 4 hours. I worked to cut my jokes down to just the funniest, but it didn't work all that well. I had trouble getting on/off the stage because of the foot surgery last Wednesday, and I think I was a bit groggy still from the Morphine I took for pain last night. In summary, not my strongest performance. Some the other comics were *really* good. I had new material that worked or not, and some old material I love doing, even if the audience doesn't get it. I plan to have a tight set next week AND be more alert. I'll post tonight's set here tomorrow.
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