Val's intro: This next comic coming to the stage -- he's an admirer of mine; I'm an admirer of him. Mr. Rich Orwell. Give it up for him, everybody. [applause]
Oh, Val. [Mic was drooping on the stand] This thing is hanging down like my dick here. [L] I don't understand. Jeez. [L] What, you don't believe it? Don't make me show you.
Before I get started, I've got Attention Deficit Disorder A.D.D. I've had A.D.D. all my life, but didn't get diagnosed until age 45, which means I was pretty-much had 45 years of failure. That's funnier if you have A.D.D. So I have to riff on some of what the other comics did.
Where's the guy who played the guitar. ["Here"] Oh, there you are. I know you play an instrument to get women into bed, right? ["I wish."] [L from people near him who could hear] You wish? [L] Well, a guitar is great, 'cause you can play it sitting on the bed. But lemme tell you, this is better when you're IN bed [play kazoo]. It VIBRATES! [L]
Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. I'm going to be 60. Yes, you can give it up for that. [big applause] How many of you are under 30. [Applause] I've been under 30 TWICE. Yeah. The first time was enormously better. So you should be enjoying it a lot.
I'm another one of the young, aspiring comedians. [p] Young, aspiring comedians. [L] I'm struggling with overcome anorexia. [L]
Well, not so young any more. I used to wake up every morning with an erection. Now it's more like a flex-straw. [L] I don't wanna have to show that. [more L]
Under 30, we covered that. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall [p] I can find the car. [L] Thank you, Pleasanton. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."]
Married 28 years in August. Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife. [a] We're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. She's always depressed but I'm bipolar, you know manic-depressive, so we have fun sometimes. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you wanna kill yourself. I like to pronounce it BIP-olar -- because it sounds more, I don't know, PERKY. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. 25th was the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. Bring a prescription pad.
My wife likes it when I say her name in bed, but I can only remember it half the time. I wrote it on the headboard. Then I got fat. Now she insists on being on top. So I had to write it on the ceiling. But my foot's been messed up, so I couldn't get on a ladder. I needed HER to write it for me. Lemme tell you. That really kills the spontaneity.
Father's Day is Sunday. Any parents here? I salute you guys. I couldn't take the responsibility, so we don't have kids. We've got a cardigan welsh corgi, little herding dog. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student." [L]
Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["Yes"] I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [not as much L as I expected]
(I closed with the Rainbow Sherbet bit you can find in the rhetorich-rx blog.)
Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Good night.
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