Comedy frustration #2

My wife's response the first time I wished her a good night by saying "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." was "We don't have bedbugs and I ALWAYS sleep tight. I do Kegel exercises."

The corollary to "Physician heal thyself" is "Surgeon suture self." (Sometimes written as "Suit yourself")

The difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb can best be explained by molecular biology. If Mr. Pibb hadn't flunked molecular biology, he'd be a doctor, too.

I went to the online dating service "match dot com", but they rejected me. I think it's because I told them my hobby was playing with matches.

I thought with a name like "match dot com" they'd understand. I even sent a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said, "I just like to tie women up and play with them ... a little. Like until they beg me to stop telling them puns."

If you don't have the time or inclination to do the rigorous fact checking to write expository prose, and you get writers' block, simply state unsupported assumptions instead. SUPPOSITORY prose really gets the shit on paper in a hurry.

Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.

You know the Alphabet Song, the one that begins "A-Bee-Cee-Dee-E-Eff-Gee"? Do you know what Uric Acid is? LMNOP.

If you want to test the mood of your bi-polar friends, have them spit into a glass of water. If the spit sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm buoyant.

I was once almost burgundied on a desert island. I was lucky. I was nearly plum marooned.

A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor.

President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In Star Trek, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one

They've invented a spaghetti strainer that actually sucks the water out of the pasta. They call it the Xaviera Colander. <= this requires knowing Xaviera Hollender wrote the "Happy Hooker" or that she was a sex advice columnist for Penthouse Magazine.

Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I am mortarfied."

Q: IF "Dog" backwards is "God" and "TUMS" backwards is "SMUT", what is "Nissan" backwards (and No, the answer ISN'T "Nassin")?

A: Pink Flamingos. Pink Flamingos all have their knees on backwards.

If you don't like litter box odor, use Litter Green -- this requires 2 people, one to hold the cat and the other to force-feed it Litter Green. Then it will poop a limitless supply of Certs.

A Yoga posture is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" asana.