Wharf Room -- Dec 08, 2009 -- the Actual Set

I'm happy to say I got more than the 7 minutes I expected, in fact I didn't get the light until 7:30. It worked out really well, because I had trimmed the set down considerably from what I wrote (Duh! THAT set was 12 minutes long) and really worked to slow it down and wait for the laughs.

Got some serious laughs from the large, friendly crowd and a couple of serious applause events, too.
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Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. And one thing Dr Brian didn't tell you, because I didn't tell him, and Friday I'll be 60. Could I get a cheap round of applause? I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year this year at age 59.

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, member of mensa. But after my freshman year was the summer of 1967, the Summer of Love in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin.

A lot has changed in the last 42 years. If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. [LOUD LAFFS] I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance. [SOME LAFFS]

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. [SOME LAFFS] And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that. [HUGE LAFFS]

In 28 years, I learned the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ... men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. It has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit. [BIG LAFFS]

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get 72 virgins. popeye would get 73, because he'd have that extra virgin olive oyl. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew [SOME LAFFS, SOME GROANS]

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine" (I fluffed this, but got good audience interaction recognizing it)

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
[this didn't go over AT ALL. I closed saying] I like to end with a big laugh. Apparently that won't happen tonight.

[GOT LAFFS FOR HOW I HANDLED THE EXIT] [NICE APPLAUSE]

Wharf Room -- Dec 8, 2009 -- The set I wrote

I wrote this 12-minute set for tonight's show at the Wharf Room at Castagnola's. I'll only have 6-8 minutes of stage time, so I thought to post all of it here.

There's no brand-new material here, altho I've only used some of it a few times. Mostly it's tried-and-true.
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Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. This is not a superhero disguise. I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year and Friday I'll be 60. By applause, is it OK for a comic to start at age 59?

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, but didn't graduate until 43. Why? Because the summer after my freshman year was 1967, the Summer of Love in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. You're a pretty big crowd but I smoked more dope in 3 months than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.

If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance.

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I am suffering, once again, an enormous let down. My granddaughter Rachel is NOT one of Tiger Woods' mistresses. Rachel's working her way thru UCLA film school by making videos. I saw the beginning of one on YouPorn.com. She comes into a bedroom wearing a Catholic schoolgirls uniform and tells the male actor she's saving her virginity for her wedding night, but she can do him orally or he can stick it in her butt. Her grandmother and I couldn't be more proud. What an actress. She isn't even Catholic.

Before we moved across the bay, used to live 8 blocks from here. You know Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world? I don';t recommend walking it from here. It's only 8 blocks, but that's 8 blocls as the crows fly and in San Francisco the hills are so steep even the crows take cable cars.

Every year on our anniversary I get my wife a dozen roses. But, as I said we're broke, so this year I got her 2 dozen red IOUs.

Which reminds me. Why did the horticulturist cross the ROSES? To get to the other hybrid.
I made it up, I'm proud, I don't give a shit
And You know what they say about horticulture. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker, ladies and gentlemen.

Kay jewelers is running xmas ads on TV. It's rough going to the mall. begins with p.
pissed her off

In 28 years, I learned
the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ...
men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. genitalia.
hidden agendas

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit.

roman polanski out of jail friday on 4.5mill bail lots of oral sex and anal sex

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get
72 virgins. popeye

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine"

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country,
would anybody wonder where the swine flew

Last week Chelsea Clinton, a Methodist, got engaged to her long-term boyfriend Marc Mezvinski, who is a total Jew. People are speculating which one will convert to the other's faith. Chelsea and Marc have known each other for like forever and went to Stanford together. If you remember, Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with Monica Lewinsky because they only had oral sex. After that, the joke was when Hillary visited Chelsea at Stanford and asked "Have you had sex yet?", Chelsea answered "Not according to Dad." Going back a few years, Peter Paul and Mary were popular back when Bill Clinton and Hillary were dating in college. One night Hillary came back to the dorm and her roommate asked, "How did your hair get all sticky?" and Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind." Well, she didn't HAVE to turn her head. She could have swallowed.

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE

Bunjo's - Sept 25, 2009 - Most of the actual set

Some of the things other comics before me mentioned:

Both Sean and DrB talked about candy bars.

Patrick talked about his mother being a heavy smoker.

DrB talked about walking his dog.

Mac made a Scooby Doo "Wuh?" sound talking about his reaction to a child's bad behavior in a store.

Fillmore talked about couples who've been married a long time not performing oral sex.

My routine went a little bit like the following. The order is probably not correct, and I abbreviated at the end bits you've heard before.

--------------
Yes, I'm here to sell you insurance from the AARP. I *am* Rich Orwell, the youngest, most attractive comic here tonight. I had this really tight set prepared, but I've got ADD, so I'm gonna toss it out and just talk about what the other guys said. I think I know where the ADD came from. Patrick talked about his mother being a heavy smoker. My mother smoked 3 packs a day of unfiltered Camels every day from the age of 18, including when she was pregnant with me. I was swimming in amniotic fluid that was basically a toxic waste dump. I spun around so much trying to get out that I wrapped my umbilical cord 4 1/2 times around my neck. I couldn't be delivered, so the doctor had to reach in with forceps and grab my head and untwist me 4 1/2 times. Afterwards, he said to my mother, "Well, Meredith, how did you like getting UN-screwed?" Sean and DrBrian were both talking about candy bars. I'm also bipolar. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna fucking kill yourself. Mac made that "Huh?" sound and it reminded me of the bumper sticker I saw today, "What would Scooby do?" I live in Castro Valley. Does anybody know where that is? About 5 miles west of here. There are only 2 main streets, Castro Valley Blvd and Redwood Road. DrBrian was talking about walking his dog. Dog owners, does this ever happen to you? Somebody comes up to your dog and instead of asking you his name, they ask the dog, "What's your name, boy?" And then the dog looks at you, like "What does he think I'm gonna do, answer?" I'd like to have a dog named Rumford, so when that happens my dog can SAY [bark] "Rumford." And then I say to him "And tell him where we live." And the dog can say, [bark] "Reh-roo Roa." SOME material about McCain's Grand for Grandma, including Acme Slingshot Company. ====== Other, practiced material >>> Jews don't eat pig bit. She got Creamated. Can't dance on an urn. Blowin' in the wind. Didn't have to turn her head. Could have swallowed. Which brings me to what Fillmore said about couples after being married a long time not performing oral sex. Like Bill, etc. Intro Hoover, plus 2 new bits, "I prefer a lubricated rubber." and "Ribbed for her pleasure." White Hose. I *am* a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.

Rooster T. Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - Original Set

Here's the set I wrote, with annotations I made at the club before I went up of where I wanted to change the order. The original notes, with arrows, etc., would be more instructive, but you can look at this script and the video below to see how it went.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. 15

to #A [I also walk with a limp, after 4 surgeries on my left foot. I was taking vicodin and morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my American Indian name, "Walks with a limp...Dick." I don't wanna talk about it.]

First of all, happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends.

I'm not Jewish. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I mean, we REALLY didn't like each other. When she died I wanted to dance on her grave, but she thwarted me once AGAIN. She got cremated. There's no way to dance on the top of an URN. All I could do was hop up and down like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

#A You know mary travers of peter paul & mary died last Wednesday. If you're too young to know them, Peter Paul and Mary were enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & martin luther king were assassinated and during the protests against the war in viet nam.

There were stories that their song "puff the magic dragon" was about smoking weed. Or maybe it was just a childrens' song. Or maybe it was a childrens' song about smoking weed. Bill Clinton reportedly puffed in college, but says he didn't inhale. That is, btw, excellent advice for those of you who plan to take up glass blowing.

Think about it. Molten glass -- bad for the lungs.

If I had a Hammer, there'd be single payer healthcare.

After Obama's inauguration, George Bush is reported to have been singing this on the way home to Texas. "I'm leavin on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." Were you like me, watching that? I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were dating in college and very active in the anti-war movement. Young and passionate in ways we can't imagine them being now. And, like everyone else at the time, they had a favorite Peter Paul & Mary song. You see, Hillary came back to her dorm room after a date with Bill one night and her roommate asked, "How'd your hair get all sticky?" And Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind."

Well, she didn't HAVE TO turn her head. She COULD have swallowed.

There's not even a whisper of a breeze in the Oval Office. Look at Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.

My wife's in the audience. We've been married 28 years. [a] But, like Hillary Clinton, there are certain things she doesn't like to do for me anymore. So like Bill Clinton, I got a lover who does. I'd like to introduce her.to you now. Do you like it when your lover is noisy? When I turn her on, she is REALLY loud. Her name is Hoover [p]. She likes to do it for me ALL the time. She's different from all the women I used to know. I only used to go out with WHITE hose.

I'm a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.

Rooster T, Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - the video

As I said in an earlier post, this was fun but very improvable. At least it was fairly-well received.

Bunjo's - September 18, 2009 - A good set, for a change

I *may* get around to posting the audio from my set when I get it. I forgot to bring my #$%^ing camera to shoot a video of it.

Unusually good audience interaction. It felt like my delivery was less rushed and my timing was better. When individual bits didn't work, my ad libs with the crowd did. A stronger stage presence. More focus *outward* than on the exact words I'd rehearsed. More comfortable and natural.

I know, I know. It wasn't *that* good. But it felt far better than other recent sets.

I started with much longer set notes, but crossed out all but the material I really *wanted* to use. Below are the notes I ended up using.

limp - surgeries -
dances w/ wolves
that was the name given to him by the Sioux Indians
my name is Richard, but wife calls me by Indian name
walks with a limp dick
dick doc

mary travers of peter paul & mary died wednesday of complications of chemo for leukemia
she was 72
enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & mlk were assassinated
and during the protests against the war in viet nam.
clinton blowin in the wind
bush after obama inaug. it is reported sang leavin on a jet plane
were you like me, watching ?
I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone
speaking of jet planes
the h1n1 epidemic has scared rush limbaugh so much that he fled the country
and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder
rush limbaugh Michael Jackson during bush & obama admins
puff the magic dragon
didn't inhale, btw, good advice for those of you who want to take up glass blowing

cash for clunkers
grand for grandma
most medical money last 6 months

john mccain
grand canyon arizona
over a mile deep

death slingshot
family & friends pull back on rubber band
side-by-side dual slingshot
extra money for TV rights
hitting target 3600 feet below
america's wile e coyote exit strategy

Hoover (she's NOISY)

Wharf Room Comedy - September 1, 2009 - The Set I Planned

I had this well-written, nicely rehearsed 5 minute set ready. And then learned I would have *6* minutes, so added material I'd used before but *not* rehearsed for this show. I ended up changing it a bit, but did it mostly the way I had planned. I *may* get a video of the whole set and post more than what I did already below. Here is what I wrote.

How many of you are thinking, "That is the BEST super-hero disguise ever"? He must have *amazing* super-powers.

I AM Rich Orwell. The youngest, most attractive performer you will see tonight. I keep having surgeries on this foot. Four surgeries. 3 Doctors. I'm putting their kids through college. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

By applause, do you think it's OK to start doing stand-up at age 59? That's good. I thought for a second there I'd have to limp off the stage.

In all that time, there's one thing I learned. The real difference between men and women. Men are simple and obvious. Ladies, would you agree? Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. If "agenda" doesn't sound like a sex organ, you need to get your head in the gutter.

Do you remember that Kevin Costner movie where the Indians named him "Dances With Wolves"? My name is Richard, but my wife likes to call me, "Walks with a limp ... dick."

[Inserted Dick-Doc bit here. See it in the video below]

I'm bipolar. Inherited it from my dad. They used to call it manic-depressive. Big mood swings. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you just wanna f-ckin' kill yourself.

Seriously, I was an *actual* hippie in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, 17 years old during the Summer of Love, 1967. I'll be available after the show if you wanna have your picture taken with me. All that's different is: no shoulder-length hair, 100 pounds heavier and I don't smoke half my body weight in marijuana any more.

It's really good to be here in San Francisco again. My wife and I are natives, but we moved across the bay 20 years ago. We lived 8 blocks from here on Russian Hill. Have you visitors from out of town driven down Lombard Street? "The Crookedest Street in the World"? We lived a block away. It sounds close, but if you wanna walk there after the show, remember those are blocks "as the crow flies", but steep enough that even the crows take a cable car.

Here's a safety tip from a native. In the unlikely event of an earthquake, remember, don't overreact. Run to the nearest window, point outside, and yell "Godzilla!" That totally relieves the tension in the room, unless people around you believe it. Like Japanese tourists.

My wife is in the audience tonight. We've been married 28 years. She married me for my sense of humor, but stayed married for the Pope. Apparently, Catholics take that "no divorce" shit *seriously*.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist woman who married a skinny, little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me, "In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm." Tell me. Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? So I looked at her and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

In closing, not only is my wife here, but I brought my girlfriend, too. After 28 years of marriage there are some things my wife doesn't like to do for me anymore. I think you can guess one of them when you meet my girlfriend. Her name is Hoover. Hi, honey. What do *you* like to do? I know how to turn her on. It's like a switch. She is *so* different from the women I went out with before. I only used to date white hose. You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.

Bunjo's - August 28, 2009 - Distracted fun

I had fun tonight at Bunjo's, despite being distracted by needing be the first comic of the night, so I could leave to get to another gig 20 minutes away.

It *wasn't* polished, what with insufficient rehearsal time, so frequently referring to notes. But the bits mostly worked. Delivery will improve over time.

Here are two bits:

Granddaughter Rachel

You are *so* lucky! Tommy T's -- Aug 24, 2009

Last night I wrote my set for tonight at Tommy T's. It's almost *all* new. Also, too long -- I can only do part of it.

The reason you're lucky is that I'm going to post it in its current draft form *here and now.* Get ready!
---

I began doing stand-up this year, at the tender age of 59. Can you show me by applause if you think that's OK? That's a relief.

I am, of course, a space alien playing a virtual reality game called "Life on Earth" that I may win only by achieving fame and fortune for my character "Rich Orwell", a mentally unstable stand-up comic. I have maximized the difficulty by choosing a sick, old body that will expire soon. When it does, I lose the game. [loudly into mic] Back in the bar. Did I leave my meds there?

When you get to be my age, your children and your grandchildren are grown.

David
I talked over the weekend on the phone with my son david. He's 41 and just got divorced after a 20 year marriage. He's a little rusty at dating, so he went to those online dating services. Maybe you've seen the ads on TV for eHarmony dot com, chemistry dot com and match dot com. You've probably never used them, so lemme tell you how they work. You spend a long time taking a personality test and talking about your likes and dislikes, then their computers and psychologists decide who's compatible and see if you wanna get together. Very hi-tech.

He started with eHarmony dot com. They rejected him. I didn't know they would do that. Apparently they feel like if they take your money but you're so twisted they can't get you any dates, you'll probably make a lot of trouble for them demanding your money back. So, Thanks, but no thanks.

Then he went to chemistry dot com. They scored his test and put him in a category they call "adventurer", like Captain Morgan or Marco Polo. The problem was, upon further review, they rejected him, too. They said the only category of women compatible with him was called "victim."

Do you see a trend here? Finally he went to match dot com. And I think he finally figured out why he kept getting rejected. All along he'd been telling them his favorite hobby is "playing with matches." Even match dot com doesn't wanna hear that "play with matches" shit. But at least they asked him for clarification. He wrote back, and I wrote it down. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac. If you send me some women, I'll just tie them up and play with them. A little. I like to play with matches."

So he's still sitting at home alone, watching internet porn.

Rachel
His daughter Rachel, my sweet little granddaughter, is 19 now. She moved to Hollywood by herself last year to become a movie or TV actress. And I guess she found some success. A friend emailed me he saw her first video on the internet. So I took a look. I thought at first it was about a registered nurse (you know, a R.N.) at the post office, the P.O. It was on a site like YouTube called You p-o r-n. Have you heard of it? I didn't watch the whole thing, but I can tell you the title and a little of the plot. I don't want to offend anybody, so when I get to certain words that start with the letter "B" I'll just say "B" and you can shout out what you think the word is, OK. If you don't guess right, Then I'll give you a hint. OK? The title was "On your knees, B" -- what's the word? That's right Brenda. That was her character's name. She comes into frame wearing a catholic schoolgirls uniform and says to this guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding night. But I can B you." What's the word? That's right baloney you. "Or you can put it in my B" My Be kind to animals." Her grandma and I are so proud, this year for her birthday, I think we'll give her TWO big stuffed teddy bears.


earthquake
As a native San Franciscan and lifetime resident of the bay area, I've been through a LOT of earthquakes. So I don't overreact.

I was in the basement of the student union at UC Berkeley, playing a video game when the Loma Prieta quake hit in 1989. I had the same reaction as everybody else in the room. Pause for a moment. Go back to playing. If a multi-story building is gonna collapse on your head, so be it. I had a *quarter* invested in that game. And I was gonna beat the high score. Ya gotta have priorities.

I think the best thing you can do in an earthquake is not what they tell you: hide under a table, run out of the building or stand in a doorway. The most fun is to run to a window, point out into the sky and yell, [shout] "Godzilla!" Then look into the eyes of any tourists around you, just to see who wasn't sure if you were telling the truth.


grand for grandma
now that the cash for clunkers program has run out of money, Obama secretly wants to introduce a medical cost-cutting measure called "grand 4 grandma." A tremendous part of our medicare, insurance, and private healthcare dollars go into "end-of-life" care. Money for procedures during the last 6 months of life. If the family is willing to NOT take those extraordinary steps and euthanize grandma painlessly, not only will they save all that money, but the government will GIVE them $1,000.

TEN thousand if she allows herself to be videotaped jumping off the "Grand Canyon Skywalk." The horseshoe-shaped glass walkway that stands at 3,600 feet above the floor of the canyon. A skydiver cameraman jumps first to tape grandma's fall -- the only difference is grandma doesn't have a parachute. extra TEN thousand in government money if grandma can hit a target painted below, although she needs to adjust for tricky, swirling canyon winds and doesn't get a second chance. there is absolutely no danger of grandma being injured or maimed because death is certain, but it is entirely likely she will be puréed, liked mashed potatoes or apple sauce. If they can find what's left of her liver, it can be made into a tasty spread for crackers and labeled with her name and the words Pate de fois moi. Liver paste of me. The family can pay Anthony Hopkins to come to her wake as Hannibal Lecter and eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. f-f-f-f-f-f If willing to forego the chance at the extra money for grandma landing on target, the family can earn an extra TWENTY thousand dollars by allowing them to be filmed while pulling a slingshot in which grandma is seated back far enough to launch her even further out above the canyon floor. The official term for this shall be the Wile E. Coyote "send off."

Ask any republican. THIS is where the democrat's healthcare reform will lead. The Obama Death Slingshot.

Roosters - August 19, 2009 - The set I planned.

*Some* things worked tonight at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, Ca. Others didn't, and I tend to fixate on those. Too many words. Too many non-words. Delivery too rushed. Not adequately rehearsed.

All that aside, a good time. Laughs where I expected them. Some of them long and loud.

As always, the set I wrote is MUCH better than what I delivered. I'll post that ACTUAL set later, with links to short video segments (i.e. only the bits that worked).
-------------

Let's address the elephant in the room, the thing we all see but don't talk about. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. Show me by applause if you thinks it's OK for a 59-year old man to start doing stand-up.

Are there other guys named Richard here? What do people call you for short? Rich, Rick, Dick? Guys called Dick have a bad reputation. Dick Nixon, Dick Cheney. So when I got my native American name, I didn't like the way my wife says it. "Walks with a limp... dick"

did you see Michael Vick on 60 minutes Sunday? You know about this guy? highest paid quarterback in history who played for the Atlanta Falcons and was convicted of running a dog fighting operation in Virginia for 6 years. Now he's out of prison, got attorneys, agents and media advisers to help him through interviews like 60 minutes. He will be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFL, where there are a lot of aggressive dog lovers. He may be involved in a lot of penalties.

I think he's already been sent to prison for unsportsmanlike conduct, but he may be exposed to to unnecessary roughness, Intentional pounding, and (especially since we're here at Roosters) personal fowls.

It's a good thing Philadelphia Eagles are in the NFC East, so it won't be until the super bowl when he may have to meet the AFC North team, the newly-renamed Steelers, the Pittsburg Pit Bulls.

Bill Clinton in the news, getting those reporters out of N Korea. I saw him on CNN being debriefed by Pres. Obama in the white house situation room. Remember him saying he smoked marijuana but "Didn't inhale"? "Don't inhale" is the first thing they teach you in glass blowing class.

Do you or your family watch pbs kids' shows, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, Barney? Mark Sanford, the Governor of South Carolina who disappeared for 5 days over (and you gotta love this) fathers' day weekend in June to visit his mistress in Argentina. On his return, he gave a press conference where he called his mistress his quote soul mate unquote. His wife is, understandably upset. He's trying to work things out. He took his wife & 4 sons on a 2 week vacation to Europe. Returned on a Wednesday. His wife took a little time to recover from jet lag, then took the boys and moved out Friday. He's facing ethics charges for having the state pay for his ticket to Argentina. His wife gave Vogue Magazine an interview where she said, "I have learned that these affairs are almost like an addiction to alcohol or pornography." So who is the object of his addiction. The media hasn't been showing pictures of her, but I obtained one. Who can blame him? [show] Carmen Sandiego. What a babe. Where in the world is Mark Sanford? He's in Argentina.

After 28 years, my wife refuses to do certain things for me. So, like Mark Sanford, I got a mistress, too. She likes to do what I want ALL the time. Let me introduce her to you now. Her name is Hoover. And she's very different from all the other women I've known. I only used to date white hose.

Tommy T's - August 17, 2009

This felt worse at the time that it plays on the video. I'd give it a B- grade overall. But I *really* need to stop saying "You Know" all the time. Speaking coaches call these "non-words", just like "uhh". Weak. I had a new topical bit about Michael Vick that I didn't deliver well. But I'll do it better at Roosters on Wednesday. I also introduced a new bit about my granddaughter Rachel's YouPorn video. Parts of it worked well. I just need to tighten it a bit. The Mark Sanford bit worked better, now that I eliminated the 2 book covers. The hose closer, of course, killed. At Dr. Brian's suggestion, I included a reference to Chris Rock that worked well.

You can see the video at http://bit.ly/3ViOVe

Bunjo's - August 14, 2009 - Not the best, but fun

http://bit.ly/c6ptD

Enjoy. Please.

[Note: this is a slightly shorter version of the same video from before]

Roosters - July 29, 2009 - the set I planned

This is far better than the set I actually performed. [sigh]

Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. Struggling to overcome anorexia.

I'm moving a little slowly. You may have noticed the cane. I had some surgery on my left foot but I'm getting better. I was taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available in the parking lot.

I brought some news stories, but first my wife's here tonight. Saturday is our *28th* anniversary. If I forget we got married on "8-1-8-1", I'm in some serious trouble.

It's a good thing she picked a date that's easy to remember. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Mall, I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I PARK, so when I leave the mall, I hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] }}}

Yes, 28th years... the secret is compatibility. Actually, she's clinically depressed and I'm bipolar, but we make it work somehow. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. Bring your prescription pads.



I'm unemployed and broke, just like California. I always buy her roses on our anniversary. So this year, like California, I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs.

I was hoping to find something nice, but inexpensive, at Kay Jewelers. No luck. I was looking at the display case when the salesperson came over and said, "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." So I looked up and said, "You know what else, every piss begins with pee." That really pissed HER off.

One thing I learned. Men are simple and obvious. Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas.

Well, what's in the news?

Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska. I hope the next time we see her is on a float as the oldest Queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival. She's already been declared persona au gratin. Don't boo.

President Obama, Professor Gates, and the cop who arrested him are having a beer at the White House tomorrow night. THAT won't be awkward. But after a coupla beers, they'll all be best buddies. It'll be like, "Let's see who can piss from the balconey to the Rose Garden."

Well, we lost ANOTHER celebrity last week. The Taco Bell Chihuahua. Do you remember those "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" ads from 1997 til the year 2000, the last 3 years Clinton was in office? I always thought that dog was really cute. Cuter than the other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [p] That bitch was ugly.

H1N1 is spreading. The World Health Organization has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch it. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was date WHITE hose. Good night.

Bunjo's - July 25, 2009 - The actual set

[This set actually ran about 6:30. I still need to listen to the audio again to make minor changes (and to indicate where I got laughs and applause), but it's pretty close.]

Where are my people with attention deficit disorder? [a] Where are you? (squirrel!)
I got ADD, so I wrote this really tight set and after hearing the comedians before me all I wanna do is riff on what *they* did.

Rick's been married 25 years [previous comic, Rick Romero]. I been married *28* years August 1s. My wife was very smart. She said we're gonna get married 8-1-8-1. Which, you know, if I forget that & I'm in really deep shit.

I always buy her roses on our anniversary, but this year I'm unemployed. We live in California, so this year I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs. [l]

As you can tell, just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] Winning the battle with anorexia. [l]

I was driving over here tonight and I was thinking, "You know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight?" From the parking lot [turn & point], I can see Australia. [L][a] The Outback Steakhouse [restaurant across the parking lot]. [l]

Yes, 28th anniversary. We're still very compatible. Actually, we're both unemployed and depressed. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 25th is the silver anniversary; The 28th is Zoloft. Bring your prescription pad.

She still likes it when I say her name in bed, after 28 years, now I have to write it on my hand every night.

One thing I learned. Men are simple. Women are mysterious. I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas. [building L] That's a dirty word, kids.

I went to Kay Jewelers, hoping to find something really inexpensive, but there was nothing I liked. I was staring at the display case when the salesperson came over. A little aggressive, I think, in this economy. "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." And I said, "You know? Every piss begins with pee." [L] That really pissed HER off. [L][L] Lemme tell you.

[note: I cut the following paragraph down to 35 seconds] Did you hear this? A friend of President Obama, a very prominent black Harvard Professor was arrested at his Cambridge, Massachusetts home after a 911 call reported "a black man breaking into a house." He got into a verbal confrontation with the cop and was taken in for disorderly conduct. At a news conference, Obama called the police action "Stupid." Stepped on his dick. So now there's a firestorm of unrest with every black person who ever felt racially profiled and every cop who feels slandered up on arms. Oops.

Now the internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a transcript of a similar 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D.C. We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation.
"Washington Metro Police. What is your emergency? ... You see a black man breaking into a house? What's the address? ... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr. Limbaugh." [L][a]

I got an audience participation thing. For this next story, when I gesture, I want you to say WHO, ok? Let's try it [gesture]. Great. H1N1 is back is making a comeback. The World Health Organization [gesture] Very good. The World Health Organization [gesture] (never gets old) [L] has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. And I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu. [L][L]

As Jim [Jim Kruder, who was up earlier] mentioned, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. You remember those ads that ran for 3 years, from 1997 til the year 2000 during the Clinton administration? You remember, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" I always thought that dog was really cute. A lot cuter than that other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [L][L] Yeah, that bitch was ugly. [L]

I'm gonna close with this. 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a length of yarn, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is, name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was ... was date WHITE hose. [L][L]

Good night. [a]

Tommy T's - July 20, 2009 - Kay Jewelers

This wasn't my best set, but didn't seem as bad while reviewing the video as it did when performing it.

Only one element was worth posting.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - The actual set + Videos

As I mentioned earlier, the evening was partially a roast of John, the owner, so there's a section of that material near the beginning. He had opened the show talking about Sarah Palin & Match dot com, then wondering why his girlfriend Julie puts up with him. (Hence some of the jokes)

John (host): We're gonna bring up our next comic, a new good friend of mine. Give it up for Rich Orwell.

Me: Hi, everybody ["Hi", "Hello"]. Anybody here have ADD or kids with ADD [one audience member points out another]? You? Your friend pointed you out. *I* have ADD, so I wrote my whole set while John was talking. [l]

First of all, Sarah Palin. You know Sarah Palin? You know what she would say if she were here tonight? "From the parking lot [turn & point] I can see Australia" [there's an Outback Steakhouse across the parking lot from the restaurant/club where we were]. [L][L] Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. [L]

And she's quitting as governor of Australia [Oops! -- total flub -- I *meant* to say Alaska. Audience shouted out "Alaska". I tried to recover, saying... ] What can I say? Yeah, Alaska is like Australia, but without the snaykes and spidahs [<= Aussie accent].



But, anyway, she's quitting as governor of Alaska, and in a year she's gonna be the queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival, because she doesn't have much of a future in politics [should have reversed those 2 clauses], and she's already been declared "persona au gratin." [L][L] Thank you for being literate, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to sing something for you, but I won't. [l] Dim sum enchanted evening. [L] Everybody remember South Pacific? We're in this lovely Dim Sum restaurant.

John mentioned match dot com. *I* tried match dot com [p] and they rejected me ["Aww"]. Yeah, I told them I like to play with matches. [p][L][some groans] You'd think they'd be more tolerant. [l]

And, uhh, John talked about Julie and wondered how she puts up with him. I don't think she has to put up with him very *far* [gesture w/ thumb & index finger for "small"]. [L] Dick jokes, you have to love 'em, don't you? [L][L}

And John's a golfer. Did you hear Tiger Woods didn't make the cut today in the British Open? Any golfers here [needed longer pause here & audience interaction]? ["Yeah"] He missed it by one stroke. He went on TV and said, "I made some mistakes. I screwed up." And I think Julie says until John loses 50 pounds he's gonna ONLY screw up. [some building laughs, but more groans]



OK. We're gonna only go with clean jokes, very clean jokes. Let's talk about dinosaurs. [L] Jurassic Park humor.

So here I am, a teacher in dinosaur elementary school. [should have made this some *other* person] And there's a little dinosaur there and I say, [talking to child voice] "You know, you have the biggest vocabulary. What kind of dinosaur ARE you?" And the little dinosaur says, "I'm a thesaurus." [groans, some L]. That is the *cutest* joke. I swear to God. My wife laughs at that EVERY time. [continuing l] She has Alzheimer's. It's new to her every time. [L]

H1N1 is now a world wide pandemic and they're not treating it [oops], not counting individual cases, only clusters around the world. One million cases in the US, ladies and gentlemen. And Rush Limbaugh got very scared and he left. Do you all know Rush? [boos] You like him? That's horrible. [building l] And he left the country, he left the country, and he's broadcasting from an unknown location. I kinda wonder where the swine flew. [some groans, but mostly L and some applause]

We're nearly at the end of this. We're gonna try to make it short.

You women are gonna love this. They're opening up a new chain of collagen injection spas and studios [said it badly]. It's called "Angelina Jo-lip." [some groans, but mostly big L] She's got those natural lips.

I'm gonna close with this because we've got a lot of comics and I respect your time. If Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia to Paris on vacation, and they were in the hotel the first night, and Petunia came out of the bathroom and asked, "Porky, what's that extra appliance in here?" He'd say, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet, a bidet. That's all folks!" Thanks very much.

John: Give it up for Rich Orwell. You're never too old to live your dream.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - What's on the menu

Tonight is a combination at Bunjo's: a short comedy set AND a roast of John, the owner, for his birthday. I'll post the actual set and/or video later. I just realized his astrological sign is Cancer, so I *might* decide to tell my "Little Crab" story.

Instead, though, I'll probably pick from the following (some of which aren't spelled out in detail below, but nearly all of which appeared earlier in this blog):

John
John really takes "human error" to a whole new level. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, but John screws up ALL the time. And Julie says until he loses 50 pounds ALL he's gonna do is screw up.

If you've ever been to SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida, San Diego, California or San Antonio, Texas, you might have seen Shamu the Killer Whale. Now this may be too terrible to imagine, but John naked, washing his hair in the shower is like Shampoo the Killer Whale. He's like that killer whale movie Free Willy. John's willy MAY be free but he can only see it in the mirror. Sorry, yanks. "Willy" is a British term. Yanks, Willy. Yanks, Willy. That's what John does when he's alone. I'm surprised she puts up with him. Of course, endowed as he is, she doesn't have to put up with him very far.

Stage, Screen & TV
Shakespeare's King Henry the IVth of England as Johhny Weissmuller. "I've been offerred another Tarzan movie. One more into the breechcloth, dear friends, once more."

Cartoon legend Yogi Bear and company are now appearing at the Ashland Oregon Shakespeare festival, with Yogi Bear playing the title role in Julius Caesar. His last line, etc.

Cartoon Icon Bullwinkle the Moose in Lerner and Loewe's My Fair Lady. We join him Singing "On the street where you live."

Retired TV legend Howdy Doody now works for Kraft Foods, operating a giant Parmesan grating machine. Howdy grating.

History, Ancient & Modern
French philosopher Rene Descartes as a tuber. "I, sweet potato.

French philosopher Rene Descartes as a tropical fruit, holding a can of garbanzo beans. Some people know, etc.

Prehistoric 5th grade teacher to dinosaur student, "My what a big vocabulary you have. What kind of dinosaur are you?" A thesaurus.

5th grade teacher. Class, Do you know the alphabet song, ABCDEFGee? Do you know what uric acid is? LMNOP

Latest news!
3 weeks after the recall of refrigerated cookie dough, John Dunne as the US Food and Drug Administration, writing to the Nestle company. etc.

H1Ni swine flu is back in the news. 1Million US cases. The WHO has declared a pandemic and is no longer tracking individual cases, only clusters of them worldwide. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder where the swine flu.

Gender news
The reason Men are simple and Women are mysterious has been found. It has to do with our genitalia. A man has an exposed penis, but a woman has a hidden agenda.

a new chain of collagen injection studios has been announced. It will be called Angelina Jolip.

Closing
Porky Pig explaining to Petunia the extra appliance in a Paris bathroom.

Tommy T's - July 13, 2009 - the actual set

Another old, fat, white guy. Are you disappointed? I'm pretty f---ing disappointed.

Lemme act this out for you. Like charades, but we're only going to do one part. Tell me what this is. [revolve in place 2 times, holding props] It's prop circles. [L]

We even got Bruno to laugh [a blond guy up front who hadn't really laughed all night and vaguely resembled the movie character Bruno]. I know you haven't really been laughing, but I saw your movie and thought it was outrageous.

I want you to give it up for my wife. We've been married, August 1st, 28 years. [a]. Honey, can you feel the love from your box under the bed? [DIED!] OK. So she's not going to be here tonight. We have plywood and manacles. The secret to a long marriage. [dead]

Actually, that was my FIRST wife. I used to call her Little Shawshank. And I was really surprised that night when she popped up through the mattress kinda like the Alien out of John Hurt's chest. Do you remember Alien, anybody? Uma Thurman when she was buried by Bill's brother in Kill Bill? OK, that was her escape. [dead dead dead]

My wife and I are still very compatible, because we're both suicidally depressed. [l] So that makes us real compatible. If you wanna get us a gift for our anniversary, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [l] What we're really looking for is those $5 co-pays. You know what I mean? Because we're buying a lot of anti-depressants. YOU people are depressed, I can tell. [comatose customers][l] I tell you.

Bruno is laughing. My God. This is a first.

Let's talk politics. Just 'cause it's in the news and I brought all the props. What the hell?

Let's talk about Mark Sanford. Is everybody aware of this guy? He's the Governor of South Carolina, a Republican. He's got a wife & 4 sons and he went to Argentina to see his mistress. Didn't tell anybody. My kinda guy. He's who I wanna be when I grow up. 'Cause I am so white. I'm like a piece of moldy wonder bread compared to some of these people. [I meant the other comics, but it didn't come across] Let's hear it for moldy wonder bread, can we? [a] Thank you very much. And I got that green shit all over me. But you know this guy Mark Sanford, he went to Florida with his wife and 4 kids over the 4th of July weekend and Joe Biden went to Iraq to see the soldiers, so who do you think was safer? I'm thinking Joe Biden. Because this guy's wife is really pissed.

So, anyway she's already signed a book deal. And lemme show you, because I carried the damned props all the way up here. She didn't write it yet, but she picked out the title and cover art. Here's the inspiration for the book. She's got 4 kids. [Where's Waldo] Have you played that? I don't think she likes him very much. Here's her kids' book. [show cover] Here's her book. You're supposed to find Waldo. I just had cataract surgery, so now I can find Waldo [l]. Jenny Sanford, she came up with this book title. It's a little different. [show cover] It's called Where's Dildo. Because Mark Sanford is a big latex dick. And the woman he's been dating in Argentina [show cartoon]. Does anybody recognize her? Any parents out there? It's Carmen Sandiego, ladies and gentlemen. What a babe. It's OK if only the parents get that one.

Sarah Palin. Can we talk about Sarah Palin. Does anybody give a s--t about Sarah Palin. Nobody knows what Sarah Palin's planning to do after she resigns as Governor of Alaska. It could be she'll run for the senate in 2010, or president in 2012, or my theory, she's already pregnant with another down syndrome baby. She already picked out the name, "Stump."

I hoped I could find my wife something inexpensive at Kay Jewelers in the mall, but no way. The salesperson was a little aggressive, coming up saying, "Every kiss begins with Kay." I said, "You know what else? Every piss begins with pee." Pissed HER off.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. [show vacuum hose] I call her Hoover. She likes to suck ALL the time. What a difference. When I was younger, I only used to have sex with WHITE hose.

Bunjo's - July 10, 2009 - Too Literary?

This was in the middle of my set ...