Tonight's Open Mic was Canceled ...

[Tonight's open mic was canceled in observance of Memorial Day. Here's part of what I was going to say, adjusted to use next Monday, June 1st, so you're getting a sneak peek. Some of this was used the last time I was on stage, on 5/4. This runs for quite a while. Depending on how much stage time they give me, I may leave out big chunks of it until some following week.]

I hope you'll excuse me if I sit in one spot. I just had another surgery on my left foot last Wednesday (I think it's the 5th one). [sigh] The doc said I had to wear something I could take off over the bandages, so I bought this nifty bathing suit. Like it? A-lo-ha.

I missed the show here on May 11th. I choked on some food that afternoon & had to get a Heimlich Maneuver. Yes, I choked, no joke. You all know the Heimlich? I'm sure the wait staff all does. You stand behind the choking victim, reach around with both arms and grab onto your fist, then pull sharply in and upwards, dislodging the stuck food. Simple and effective. I'll understand if you're too young to remember, but back in the 70's the Secretary-General of the U.N. was an Austrian named Kurt Waldheim. Anybody heard of him? In the 80s he went on to be elected President of Austria. During that election campaign, it came out that he had been a Nazi during World War II. The Israeli Secret Service, the Mossad, invented something called the Kurt Waldheimlich maneuver. It's like the Heimlich, but they do it holding a knife.

You probably noticed I'm using flash cards, too. My memory is for s--- anymore. Too much weed in the 60s plus getting old since then. You know you're getting old when "getting lucky" means you leave the mall and can find your car.

[insert here bit that uses a digital recorder]

Welcome to the 38th thru ??? minute of my stand-up career. Someday, when I'm famous, you can say, "I was there back when when he sucked. If it takes 10 years to get good, I'm so old I may not make it. So I'm trying to do it in 10 DOG years. Anybody in here under 30? I've been under 30 TWICE. Believe me, the 1st time's better.

If you're under 30, this may not be as important. I was there BEFORE the t-shirt I'm wearing meant anything. It's a Fathers' Day shirt from Big Dogs that says, "*I* am your farter." - Bark Vader. Last Monday, May25th, was historic. It was the 32nd anniversary of the opening of Star Wars in 1977. [extend toy light saber]. OK. OK. I like to play with toys. Sure I'm almost 60, but I have the emotional maturity of a 4-year old. (Why do you think I'm up here?) Yes, I like to play with things.

I went to the online dating site match dot com, but they REJECTED me because I listed one of my hobbies as playing with matches. With a name like match dot com I thought they'd be more tolerant. I even sent them a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said. "I just like to play with the women you'll match me with. Tie them up -- a little. Make them beg. Say thinks like, 'You can do anything you want to me as long as you stop telling me those awful jokes.'"

Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. [This continues on my adult material blog at rhetorich-rx.blogspot.com, but you'd better be an adult if you plan to visit there.]

Anyway, with the new Star Trek movie out, I guess people are thinking less about Star Wars and more about Star TREK. Where are my Trek fans? Have you seen the movie yet? Awesome, right? The first episode of the original Star Trek TV show aired in September of 1966, the same year I graduated high school. I'd come in every week to watch it after a hard day of hunting mastodons. Yes, I *am* that old.

I saw the movie in IMAX across the street on opening day [there's a movie multiplex just down the road from Tommy T's]. Now, don't get me wrong. I love doing stand-up here. But I got the most laughs walking up and down the line of people waiting to see the movie, telling the same Star Trek riddle. You wanna hear it?

Q: What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [hold a zip-loc bag up for audience to see]
A: zi-PLOK.

[insert here something from "My first national TV coverage" post below]

I mentioned dog years before. Any dog lovers her? My dog turned 12 last April 9th. That's 84 in dog years. April 9th is also the birthday of Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Magazine guy, who turned 83. Almost the same age as my dog. The difference is my dog can lick himself, but Hef has 19-year old blonde twins named Karissa and Kristina Shannon who do that for him. I'm not kidding. You can see the pictures on Wikipedia.

[more Adult material goes here from rhetorich-rx.blogspot.com]

[I close with more material from my 5/4/09 set]

Good night.