June 22, 2009 -- the Actual Set

[Delivered behind a mic stand, because I needed both hands free]

Eve [the comic who was on before me] talked about the "shower head." [in the context of female masturbation] All I can tell you is -- be careful. Even experts drown doing it. [L] Don't make me get on my knees to show you. [L]

Hello, Tommy T's. How are we all doing? I AM Rich Orwell. A handsome, young comedian, [p] yes, a handsome, young comedian [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] [L], struggling to overcome anorexia [Pat belly] [L]. 60 this year. [Gesture of begging with both hands] Please, I need the pity. [a]

Well, I guess you can see, more like Jabba the Hut with a cane and a microphone.[L]

Actually, Jabba came later. Did you see the FIRST Star Wars movie? Here's my impression of Luke getting attacked by Sand people. You all be Luke, OK? (act out with cane] "eee - eee - uhh" [sand people sound effect] [L]

Three weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain isn't so bad any more. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available after my set in the parking lot [L][L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com [L].

As you know, yesterday was Fathers' Day. Any parents out there? I'm too screwed up to have kids, so we have Cardigan Welsh Corgis, little herding dogs. VERY smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi Can Herd Your Honor Student." [L]

Does anyone else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? ["yes"] I mean, *I* could have been an Honor Student in High School, too, [p] if I didn't discover drugs and masturbation. [larger L than the last time I told it] What? You guys never choked a chicken? You ladies never let your fingers do the walking? Ladies, lemme say just 3 words -- "Hitachi Magic Wand." A vibrator powerful enough to rock the joy spot of an elephant. Visit my OTHER web site good vibrations dot com. You can thank me later.

Have you seen the new Star Trek movie? Awesome, right? ["yes"]

Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but the best laughs, the most laughs I ever got ... walking down the line of people waiting to see the movie telling a riddle. Wanna hear it?

What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK. [L][L]
"Glad"? Only In battle. [L]

Hugh Hefner, the father of Playboy Magazine turned 83 on April 9th. That's the SAME day my oldest dog turned 12, almost the same in dog years. There's one big difference. My dog can still lick himself, if he wants, but Hef never has to try. [L]

You see he's dating 19-year old -- identical -- TWINS... blue-eyed blonds. Well, maybe not blonds, but you know what I mean. Can you imagine? [p][p] *I* can imagine. [L] They're named Shannon. Shannon ... that's Irish, isn't it?

The Catholic Church makes the twins are use natural birth control. The toughest part is inserting it [show bar of Irish Spring]. Irish Spring. [L] Manly yes, but I like it, too. And Hef would tell you, the scent is invigorating. [L]

I bet he likes it when they kiss his Blarney Stones [L][p], lick his Shamrocks [L][p] and eat his Lucky Charms. [L][p] They're magically delicious.

And you parents know, marshmallow cereal with food coloring is the best breakfast for growing, hyperactive children. [L] And get 'em some Coca Cola to have with it. [L]

With the twins, if one of the girls isn't in the mood, she uses the "Oasis" maneuver. Do you know what that is? I have to turn my head for this. That's where Hef grabs her, and she yells, "Oh -[turn head] Eh - SIS." [L] [and actual groans]

Anybody from out of state? A bit of history. The California state motto is Eureka, what John Sutter said when he discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) It's Greek for "I have found it." Some people call it an "Aha" moment. *I* had a Eureka moment last week. I discovered a man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. [L][L] Very important at my age. [L] Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover. [L][L][L]

That's my time. I'm Rich Orwell.