Tommy T's set June 8, 2009

[NOT recorded, but from memory & the notes I prepared in advance.]

[Val offered me a chair, which I refused. Ended up leaning against the back wall. Should have taken the chair & gotten closer to the audience.]

Please excuse the cane. I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago, but I'm feeling fine now. I've got Vicodin and Morphine. ... Available for purchase in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. [So I gotta work from notes. I'm a little groggy from the meds.]

There was a guy earlier who mentioned condoms. Ladies, I don't mean to brag, but I use Magnum condoms, and they're a tight fit. I wear them in the shower on my left foot. Remember the movie Gremlins? Never feed them after midnight and never get them wet. [That's what the doctor told me about my foot.]

Welcome to the 43rd minute of my stand-up career, my 10th time here. Someday, when I'm famous, you can say, "I was there back when he sucked."

My ADD has kicked in, so I wanna riff on something another guy said. Was it Even, who talked about George Bush sweating during in a spelling bee? [Bush spelling "farm" bit]

You all are waay under 30. I've been under 30 TWICE. Believe me, the 1st time's way better.

If I'm lucky, I'll be 60 in December. Yes, THANK you for the applause. Married 28 years August 1st. We got married 8-1-81, to make it easy to remember, which as it turns out is a good thing now. Do you have a mall in Livermore? At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall in Pleasanton I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. [Digital recorder bit]

After 28 years, we're still semi-happy together. Actually, I'm still bipolar but wife is depressed. So if you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 28th is the Zoloft/Abilify anniversary. Bring a prescription pad.

Enough about me.

Any Star Trek fans here tonight? See the movie? Awesome, right? Saw it opening day in IMAX. Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up but the best laughs I ever got .... walking up and down the line of people waiting for the movie telling my Star Trek riddle. Wanna hear it?

What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? zi-PLOK. Works every time with the right audience.

Anybody got one of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers? [Boos & cries of "No!"] Good. I find those things really annoying. I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation. [laughs]

I've got Cardigan Welsh Corgis. Helding dogs. I've got a bumper sticker that says, "My Corgi can herd your honor student."

You know Former Vice President Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz are going around to the media defending torture, right? When Liz was in school, Dick Cheney had a bumper sticker that said, "My child is a Student of the Draw and Quarter." Don't get it? Rent a DVD of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. [totally died]

The Tony Awards were last night. [Surprisingly big response from the "theater arts" types] Who cares? It's all about New York Broadway shows. I don't even watch the Oscars any more. But speaking of the Oscars, I heard Rush Limbaugh wants an Oscar. Oscar MAYER. Isn't he like the poster child for all things pork? 'Cause everything Rush Lim-baugh say is B-O-L-O-G-N-A. [Died. Rush Limbaugh???]

But forget about Cheney and Limbaugh.

I think Obama's amazing. Do you agree? SMART president ... for a change. Did you watch "Obama's White House" on NBC last week? Maybe had to watch it for school. Barack and Michelle. Very cool. And You had to like Bo the dog.

Where are my dog lovers? You know when a dog is confused and cocks his head to one side and raises his eyebrows? Bo doesn't do that. Sure he cocks his head, but his eyebrows don't move. Bo's just his nickname. His full name is Bo-Tox. Botox? Eyebrows? You'll get it on the way home. [total silence -- 17-yr olds don't need/know about botox]

[left out the following, for 2 reasons: 1. They're too young to remember Monica & 2. It's crude. >> Bo seemed right at home in the White House. I hear he's already as comfortable under the desk in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky. That's mean. <<

I had "adult" humor I'd usually tell here, but I'll leave it out. You can read it on my blog at rhetorich dot com.

I'm Rich Orwell. Thank you and good night.