Rooster T. Feathers competition

I have the preliminary round of a competition next Wednesday, 3/7/12.  Here are some notes I'm using to get ready.  Two are just Titles, the rest are full text.  There are a LOT of new / topical / political bits.  I like to live on the edge.


Cracker
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Lots of places in the country are experiencing an unseasonably hot winter.
Coming this April, H&R Sunblock.
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Here's a question.  When was the last time you changed AA batteries?  One faces one way.  The other faces the other way.  They're pushed right up against each other.  Am I the *only* pervert who's thinking 69?

((((((((((((((((((( recognizes that position? [p] Horny little bastards. I envy them. Their sex life is more energetic than mine & lasts longer, too.  They just keep going and going.  Like bunnies.  Those Lithium-Ion guys.  Keep me awake all night. ))))))))))))))))))
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Disneyland has opened the first ride in its new area, Vaginaland.  Nothing but trouble.  The men say they have to wait too long and the women say the ride's too short.
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First, thank you for coming out to support live comedy.  We know you could be home watching TV [p] or Internet porn [p].

My name is Rich Orwell and I'm old.

Ever lose a lot of weight - donate your fat clothes to charity - put the weight back on?  [point]  Sweat pants.

How old am I?   I don't try to pick up women any more.  When *I* get lucky, I find the car.

Almost didn't make it here tonight.  These gas prices!  I had to go on craigslist and sell a kidney.  OK, my wife's.

Once in a great while [p] I can remember having sex.

When I was young, the nicest woman I ever dated was a school teacher.  She never complained about premature ejaculation. She called it "an Incomplete."

(((((((( I was reading to my granddaughter. ))))))) "4 and 20 blackbirds, baked in a pie."  Who thinks "blackbirds" when you hear "4-20?"  If you don't know "4-20," go back 45 years.
1967, San Francisco, .  I was a hippie.  Yep.  The real deal.  I used to have a *full head* [shake] of shoulder-length hair.  I know you've probably never seen a real hippie.  So, if you like, after the show, for $5, you can have your picture taken with me.  For just $5 more, you get a signed, "That guy was a hippie" certificate of authenticity.  Suitable for framing.

I've been married 30 years, but now *I've* got a mistress.  Very sexy.  She has a 'tramp stamp.' I bet you've seen those.  A lower back tattoo just above her butt crack.  You know, they can be anything.  Words, artwork.  My gf's tramp stamp says, 'Do not over inflate.'  Did I mention she's an *inflatable* girlfriend? ... she's in my bag
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You may have noticed I don't smile much. Comics are supposed to smile.  Look good.  Make friends with the audience. [p] My mother never taught me how to brush my teeth.  I know.  Thanks, mom.

They're stained the color of every entrée on an Indian lunch buffet.  Some of you know what I mean.  Brown and gray and yellow and green and red.

I bought the strips.  I'm going to whiten my teeth. I'm going to whiten my teeth [p]
with Photoshop.

Vote for me. Keep me out of the rest home, please.  I'm Rich Orwell.

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Republicans are angry that blacks got an extra day for Black History Month.  If they win in November, they plan to cut February to *21* days.  [p] Add a one-week mini-month called either: Mitt-ember, Gingrich-uary, or Santorum[p]pty-Dumpty.  (the other nursery rhyme!)

After a rough spring and summer, Santorumpty-Dumpty wants to have a great fall.
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I don't think we can ignore Super Tuesday.

Did you watch those debates?  I *know* for an old man to talk about politics is boring and sex is *creepy*.  I'll see if I can de-creepify it.  Those Republican candidates are like dildos.  Anatomically correct but inanimate objects always ready to screw us.

And you ladies understand this ... Democrats at least will talk to you, maybe buy you dinner. Afterwards stroke your hair.  Call you.  Have the courtesy to vibrate.  Republicans don't do that.

The symbol for the Republican Party shouldn't be the elephant or the rhino.  It should be that *other* pachyderm, the hippo-crit.
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That's all for politics.  I promise.
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Here's a tough one.  If a married man's lover is a "mistress,"  what do you call a married *woman's* lover?   A man has a mistress.  A *woman* has [p] an "orgasm."  "This is my orgasm, Roberto."  
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Or down in San Jose, watching that troupe of masturbating french-canadian acrobats, circle jerk du soleil.
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????? I took my cane to the movies. The couple behind me was talking, so I turned around and said, "Please ...?"  The guy had a pistol in his belt.  Fixed *him*, though.  Made him leave.  He couldn't *stand* the smell of asparagus. ?????

eieio

My friend David is a Pyromaniac. Yes, he is.  Looking for a date.  Not on chemistry dot com or eHarmony dot com.  Pyromaniacs prefer [p] match dot com

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Yeah, I'm getting older.  I went to the doctor Monday. The receptionist said, "He's running behind." I said, "I know all about that.  I'm taking Imodium AD."

OccuPoddy Stop

Gandhi led a non-violent movement to get the British out of India. They won.

Martin Luther King led a non-violent movement to get civil rights for black people. They won.

Occupy is led by nobody. They have no agenda. They have tents and sleeping bags. They have a camping trip.

I say, Get some leaders, Get an agenda, and (if non-violence isn't going to get the job done) Get some guillotines. Shiny new Gillette Fusion Proglide guillotines with lubricated comfort strips.

The 1% screws us because we have no leadership ability. If Occupy is the best we can do, we *deserve* to be screwed.

Am I angry? Heck yeah.

Michele Bachmann. I can't say enough.

If Michele Bachmann is elected President, Americans will learn more.

Tens of millions, in fact, will learn more than the first two words of "O Canada."

Obama is more Nobel than George W. Bush

George W. Bush. Ain't nothin' to say.

Why did Obama win the Nobel Prize? Because he isn't George W. Bush.

Without getting into why the rest of the world thinks more highly of Obama than Bush, or why *I* do, let's simply compare them on one criterion: Intelligence. Obama is a smart man. Bush is what's been called "not intellectually curious."

"Intellectually curious" means seeking out new information, a desire to learn, the willingness to admit when one is wrong and correct those misconceptions, the ability to integrate new facts into one's world view.

Here's an example. George W. Bush learned to sing "Old MacDonald had a farm" by heart as a very young child and STILL believes "farm" is spelled "e-i-e-i-o."

Mark Sanford's Wife Signs Book Deal

Jenny Sanford, wife of Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina who disappeared for 5 days while visiting his mistress in Argentina, is understandably upset.

She has reportedly already signed a book deal, citing the need to provide for herself and her 4 sons after the anticipated divorce. In the book she will "tell all" about her marriage.

While she hasn't yet written it, she HAS chosen a title and cover art. See below.

[BTW, I printed a copy of this & used it in my comedy set at Bunjo's on July 3rd.]

Liz Cheney Rewritten for Stand-up

The Liz Cheney version was for reading. This is for telling on stage, with a separate intro joke.

Any "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" people in here? Good. I find those bumper stickers really annoying. I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.

You know Former VP Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz are making the rounds defending torture, right? When Liz was in school, Dick Cheney had a bumper sticker that said, "My child was a Student of the Draw and Quarter."

I still think it's possible that people won't get this -- they only know the past tense version, "drawn and quartered". Plus, they're used to the bumper sticker ending with the name of a school. I don't want to get into the whole "Lived in McLean, Virginia" exposition. We'll see. At least the intro stands on its own.

Zabout Time (again)

Jon Stewart on the June 3, 2009 edition of "The Daily Show" had video of Dick Cheney publicly blaming Richard A. (Dick) Clarke for the attacks on 9/11.

You can see the full episode here. Unbelievable.

In the video clip, Cheney referred to a piece Richard Clack wrote for the Washington Post on Sunday, May 31, 2009. Even if you don't read the 9/11 Commission report or Clarke's book "Against All Enemies", you owe it to yourself to read the Post article.

For once, I'm not joking.

Liz Cheney

Dick Cheney's daughter, Liz, is a passionate defender of her father's "Enhanced Interrogation" methods, methods many call "torture." She attended McLean High School in McLean, Virginia, where the sports teams are called the "Highlanders." That kinda reminds me of the movie "Braveheart" with Mel Gibson. Do you remember how it ends? With Gibson's Scottish character, William Wallace, publicly being tortured to death by the English. You know those bumper stickers that say things like, "Proud Parent of an Honor Student at Nearby Elementary"? I wonder if Dick Cheney had one that said, "My Child was Student of the Draw and Quarter at McLean High."

Sonia So-to-ma-YOR gets the Bum's Rush

Rush Limbaugh has a problem with Supreme Court justice nominee Sonia So-to-ma-YOR.

Looking at him, I don't think he has any problem with Os-car-Ma-YER.

'Cause Rush Lim-baugh ... has a way ... with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Whenever I hear Limbaugh, I think, "HA!" Not just because it's the sound of a sharp laugh, but because it's the abbreviation for "Horse's Ass."

Bill Moyers' Journal

I watched Bill Moyers' Journal last night. It was about torture done to detainees at Gitmo, Abu Ghraib, and CIA "black" prisons overseas. There is a VERY long list of members of the Bush administration I'd like to see sentenced to life in prison for war crimes. A "Truth Commission"? Absolutely, followed by international trials for violations of American law and the Geneva Conventions ... perhaps held in Nuremburg.

Mick Jagger on illegal imprisonment

I can't GITMO satisfaction. I can't GITMO satisfaction. But I try, and I try, and I try, and I try. I can't GITMO. No no no

My first national TV coverage

This is funny on a number of levels.

CNN, the 24-hour news channel, has a show called "CNN Newsroom" featuring Rick Sanchez. He accepts Twitter comments during the show that his producers read. They put the ones they like on the bottom of the screen during the show. The ones they REALLY like go on a screen for him to read aloud. After Dick Cheney's and Obama's speeches today about national security, I sent a tweet.

So here it is -- they showed it and had him real it aloud today ...

rhetorich@ricksanchezcnn "Keep the prisoners shackled to the walls," said Dick Chainey.

After he read it, he said "Spelled Cheney wrong, by the way."

He totally missed that it was a Tom Swifty. So I sent him this follow-up (which DIDN'T show up on air).

rhetorich@ricksanchezcnn "Dick Chainey" WASN'T misspelled. It was a Tom Swifty, like "I've struck oil,' said Tom crudely. Shackled - Chainey. Hello?

The producers, apparently STILL liking the original tweet, showed it AGAIN at the bottom of the screen a few minutes later. At least THEY got it. I'm hoping some of the viewers did, too.

Michell, Dumb Belle

Not to get all political here, but ...

I wear a lot of T-shirts from a company in Santa Barbara, California, named Big Dogs (bigdogs.com). The shirts are printed with graphics that have a lot of "attitude." If I were visiting with Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-Minnesota), I'm not sure which one I'd wear. Here are a few examples:

I'm not saying you're stupid, but I'm thinking it.

I'd like to help you ... but I just can't fix stupid.

I'm trying to see things your way, but I can't get my head that far up my butt.

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

Shhh! That's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

Stupidity isn't a crime, so you're free to go.

Did I forget to mention how I feel about Michelle Bachmann? I think it's a good thing that all the citizens of the country have representation. That includes the stupid, the ignorant, the bigoted, the religious fanatics and all those who share a lack of "intellectual curiosity" that might otherwise lead them to an enlightened and accurate view of reality.

The Beatles wrote a song called "Michelle" that begins "Michelle, Ma Belle." I think it might fit Michelle Obama. What would fit Michelle Bachmann, however, would be titled "Michelle, Dumb Belle." I can picture Sarah Palin using dumbbells to strengthen her biceps. I think she could use Michelle Bachmann to strengthen her deranged world view. They are the future of the Republican Party. They're made for each other.

Comedy frustration #1

I have a collection of jokes and ad lib puns so obscure that I stopped telling most of them. I worry that I may grow hair on my tongue from self-amuse. A lot of them rely on the listener being sufficiently old or educated to have "common ground" with me. Do you mind if I share a few with you?

Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hey, Homey, I'm Hun!"

Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more into the breechcloth dear friends. Once more."

Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and began performing Shakespeare in the park. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it.

The dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.

I overheard an intelligent vegetable opine, "I sweet potato, therefore I yam."

One of my earliest ancestors was a court jester. In fact, the first FEMALE court jester, named "Lois the Fool." She INVENTED the pun. The King was so amused that one day he decreed, "From this day hence, let it be known that the pun is the Lois form of humor."

Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia on vacation to Paris. When she asked what the extra appliance in the bathroom was, he replied, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet. ... That's all folks!!!"

George Orwell wrote 1984. He was opposed to circumcision, calling it "mutilation" and unnecessary for hygiene. He thought, "Ignorance is bris."

[R-rated] The uncut version of one famous fairytale is "Rumpleforeskin."

[R-rated] Superman was sent in a rocketship from Krypton to Earth before he could be circumcised. The giant "S" emblem is actually a warning label. It stands for "Smegman." <= sorry, a bit risky, risque and cheesy.

Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.

Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it.

The headquarters of Toyota USA and Honda USA are in the same town just south of the Los Angeles airport. It's ironic the Japanese attack on the US auto industry is launched from Torrance! Torrance! Torrance!

George Washington was "First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of His Countrymen." You probably can't say this in Austin, but George W. Bush, the man they call "Duh-ya", was "WORST in War, WORST in Peace, and WORST in the Hearts of His Countrymen."

Swine flu

This epidemic of influenza has everybody scared. So much so that Rush Limbaugh has fled the country. I wonder where the swine flu.

The Middle-East Problem -- SOLVED!

Texas wants to secede. Fine. We give it to the Israelis and Palestine to the Palestinians. Floridian Jews can move to an equally warm, but less hurricane-prone climate in Texas, where there's oil and a lot more land than in Israel (and no angry Arabs). The new state of Israel will protect our border from drug smuggling, illegal immigration, AND the spread of non-Kosher swine flu. Plus, we don't have to bother prosecuting Bush as a war criminal -- they can do it for us. The only problems are (1) the Israelis who don't want to move and (2) the Texans who don't want to move. I say it's in the world's best interests for them to move, so f--- 'em, we make them do it anyway. Good idea?

From April 15th

On MSNBC's Rachel Maddow show, she couldn't stop laughing about the campaign to send tea bags to government officials as a protest of high taxation. There are "Tea Bag Parties" being held today in many cities, led by Conservative politicians or media figures, supposedly akin to the Boston Tea Party. Rachel laughed each time she quoted somebody saying "Teabag Obama" or "Teabag Your Congressman", etc. She didn't explain that "Teabag" is a slang sexual term, but I Googled it to find its meaning. I couldn't believe what it said. In fact, I thought it was a balled face lie.

Name That Tune!

Do you remember the rebus puzzles at the end of the TV show "Concentration"?

See if you can guess this song lyric. [Hint: note the position of the Viagra light switch]

S+      

V+      
        B+

 

+  - "a"

Remember to take the final "a" sound off at the end

 

A hint: It's French

An almost final hint: Should be sung at the White House

The final hint

 

The Bush Presidency

Bush says, “History will judge my presidency.” Has it been long enough yet? The news media euphemism for Bush was “not intellectually curious.” But Democrat Paul Begala on CNN called him “a high-functioning moron.” That’s a lot more accurate. A smart man will integrate new facts into his world view. Bush, on the other hand, despite all evidence to the contrary, STILL maintains his belief that “farm” is spelled “E-I-E-I-O.”

(Sh*t) Free at Last!

The best part of President Barack Obama's inauguration was at the end, when Bush's helicopter took off, flew away & disappeared in the distance. I thought, "After 8 years of national constipation, at last the sh*t is gone."