June 1st Set

Most of my comedy set Monday, June 1st at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, Ca. I delivered it sitting in a chair on stage with my left leg raised onto another chair seat next to it.

I hope you'll excuse me if I sit here. I had foot surgery last Wednesday (for the 4th time). The pain isn't too bad really. I've got prescriptions for Tramadol, Vicodin and (my favorite) Morphine. I'll be selling them in the parking lot after the show, or you can get them on my website, controlledsubstances dot com.

I'm also taking antibiotics. Anybody here ever take antibiotics? Then you probably know the side effects. You know that Sheryl Crow song, "Every Day is a Winding Road -- [add "I get a little bit closer"]"? One side effect is that you wanna sing it "Every Fart Has a Wet Surprise" [pause] Can I get a little bit grosser?

Welcome to the 38th through 42nd minute of my comedy career, my 9th time here. Someday you can say, "I saw him when he sucked." If it takes 10 years to get good at this, I may not have enough time. [some laughs] I'm going to be 60 this year. [applause] Thank you for that. Who really deserves applause, though, is my wife. We've been married for 28 years. [some applause]

If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid [Pharmacy]. [big laughs] The 28th is the Zoloft/Abilify anniversary. She's depressed because I'm bi-polar. Bring your prescription pads. [add: Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. "Ask your doctor about Abilify."]

Back in 1967, I used to be an actual Hippie, like the ones in your history book pictures. [add: You need to imagine me a hundred pounds lighter, with ...] Shoulder length hair, [add: and] constant shit-eating grin [delete: and very safe.]. [add: There was never a reason, day or night, to be afraid walking alone in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco.] You know that expression, "Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes"? My eyes HAD no whites. They were totally red, ALL the time.

Barack Obama is awesome. He not only can talk, but he can learn, too. Compare that to George Bush. He heard "Old MacDonald had a Farm" a few times in kindergarten. You know the National Spelling Bee was last week, right? Here is my impression of George Bush in his first spelling bee. [Judge] The word is "Farm". [Bush] "Farm. E-I-E-I-O. Farm." [Despite the fact I love this joke, it continues to get NO laughs. Maybe it's time to stop telling it.]

Tomorrow and Wednesday at 9pm, NBC will show "Obama's White House" -- no joke. The President, his wife Michelle, and the girls will conduct a tour ... AND you get to see Bo the dog, too.

Bo is settling in nicely. He's already as comfortable on all 4s in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky.

Where are my dog owners? You know when your dog is confused and he cocks his heads to one side, raises his eyebrows [acted out] [add: and says "Huh?" (Scooby Doo dog sound)] Bo doesn't do that. He turns his head, but his eyebrows don't move. His last name is "Tox." [silence] You know, "Botox"? [some laughs] I gotta get some better material [more laughs]

MY dog turned 12 last April 9th, that's 84 in dog years. You know who else had a birthday on April 9th? Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Magazine guy. He's 83. Now, I envy my dog's ability to lick his balls at his age, but Hefner's dating [add: Karissa and Kirsten Shannon,] 19-year old blonde TWINS who do that FOR him, so I envy HIM more.

Rush Limbaugh doesn't like the fact Obama nominated Sonia So-to-ma-YOR to the Supreme Court. He doesn't seem to have a problem, though, with Os-car Ma-YER. [not many people got it. next time, hold up an empty Oscar Mayer bologna package and add: Does this help?] He's like the poster child for all pork products. [sing] 'Cuz Rush Lim-baugh ... has a way ... with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.

That was pretty-much all of it. Time seemed to go by very quickly, so there was a lot of material I had planned to do that I never got around to doing. [sigh] The post below, Tonight's Open Mic Was Canceled, has a lot more.