Q: What table wine is served at the Wellington (New Zealand) Military Academy?
A: Mutton Cadet.
I thought a major attraction at Disneyworld in Orlando should have been named "Zelda". After all, it was designed by Epcot Fitzgerald.
Did you hear about that female Israeli spy, Matzoh Hari?
How about the Mossad's way of dealing with Nazis, the "Kurt Waldheimlich Maneuver"? It's a lot like the Heimlich Maneuver, except when THEY do it, they're holding a knife.
We went out to dinner last night, but the food wasn't very good. I should have known. Next to the sign that says "We reserve the right to refuse service to anybody." they have one that says "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anybody."
While in Hawaii, Ravi Shankar attended a luau, where he heard the ukulele for the first time. When his host asked how he liked the music, he answered, "Close, but no sitar."
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Comedy frustration #2
My wife's response the first time I wished her a good night by saying "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." was "We don't have bedbugs and I ALWAYS sleep tight. I do Kegel exercises."
The corollary to "Physician heal thyself" is "Surgeon suture self." (Sometimes written as "Suit yourself")
The difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb can best be explained by molecular biology. If Mr. Pibb hadn't flunked molecular biology, he'd be a doctor, too.
I went to the online dating service "match dot com", but they rejected me. I think it's because I told them my hobby was playing with matches.
I thought with a name like "match dot com" they'd understand. I even sent a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said, "I just like to tie women up and play with them ... a little. Like until they beg me to stop telling them puns."
If you don't have the time or inclination to do the rigorous fact checking to write expository prose, and you get writers' block, simply state unsupported assumptions instead. SUPPOSITORY prose really gets the shit on paper in a hurry.
Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.
You know the Alphabet Song, the one that begins "A-Bee-Cee-Dee-E-Eff-Gee"? Do you know what Uric Acid is? LMNOP.
If you want to test the mood of your bi-polar friends, have them spit into a glass of water. If the spit sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm buoyant.
I was once almost burgundied on a desert island. I was lucky. I was nearly plum marooned.
A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor.
President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In Star Trek, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one
They've invented a spaghetti strainer that actually sucks the water out of the pasta. They call it the Xaviera Colander. <= this requires knowing Xaviera Hollender wrote the "Happy Hooker" or that she was a sex advice columnist for Penthouse Magazine.
Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I am mortarfied."
Q: IF "Dog" backwards is "God" and "TUMS" backwards is "SMUT", what is "Nissan" backwards (and No, the answer ISN'T "Nassin")?
A: Pink Flamingos. Pink Flamingos all have their knees on backwards.
If you don't like litter box odor, use Litter Green -- this requires 2 people, one to hold the cat and the other to force-feed it Litter Green. Then it will poop a limitless supply of Certs.
A Yoga posture is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" asana.
The corollary to "Physician heal thyself" is "Surgeon suture self." (Sometimes written as "Suit yourself")
The difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb can best be explained by molecular biology. If Mr. Pibb hadn't flunked molecular biology, he'd be a doctor, too.
I went to the online dating service "match dot com", but they rejected me. I think it's because I told them my hobby was playing with matches.
I thought with a name like "match dot com" they'd understand. I even sent a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said, "I just like to tie women up and play with them ... a little. Like until they beg me to stop telling them puns."
If you don't have the time or inclination to do the rigorous fact checking to write expository prose, and you get writers' block, simply state unsupported assumptions instead. SUPPOSITORY prose really gets the shit on paper in a hurry.
Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.
You know the Alphabet Song, the one that begins "A-Bee-Cee-Dee-E-Eff-Gee"? Do you know what Uric Acid is? LMNOP.
If you want to test the mood of your bi-polar friends, have them spit into a glass of water. If the spit sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm buoyant.
I was once almost burgundied on a desert island. I was lucky. I was nearly plum marooned.
A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor.
President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In Star Trek, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one
They've invented a spaghetti strainer that actually sucks the water out of the pasta. They call it the Xaviera Colander. <= this requires knowing Xaviera Hollender wrote the "Happy Hooker" or that she was a sex advice columnist for Penthouse Magazine.
Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I am mortarfied."
Q: IF "Dog" backwards is "God" and "TUMS" backwards is "SMUT", what is "Nissan" backwards (and No, the answer ISN'T "Nassin")?
A: Pink Flamingos. Pink Flamingos all have their knees on backwards.
If you don't like litter box odor, use Litter Green -- this requires 2 people, one to hold the cat and the other to force-feed it Litter Green. Then it will poop a limitless supply of Certs.
A Yoga posture is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" asana.
Comedy frustration #1
I have a collection of jokes and ad lib puns so obscure that I stopped telling most of them. I worry that I may grow hair on my tongue from self-amuse. A lot of them rely on the listener being sufficiently old or educated to have "common ground" with me. Do you mind if I share a few with you?
Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hey, Homey, I'm Hun!"
Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more into the breechcloth dear friends. Once more."
Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and began performing Shakespeare in the park. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it.
The dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.
I overheard an intelligent vegetable opine, "I sweet potato, therefore I yam."
One of my earliest ancestors was a court jester. In fact, the first FEMALE court jester, named "Lois the Fool." She INVENTED the pun. The King was so amused that one day he decreed, "From this day hence, let it be known that the pun is the Lois form of humor."
Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia on vacation to Paris. When she asked what the extra appliance in the bathroom was, he replied, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet. ... That's all folks!!!"
George Orwell wrote 1984. He was opposed to circumcision, calling it "mutilation" and unnecessary for hygiene. He thought, "Ignorance is bris."
[R-rated] The uncut version of one famous fairytale is "Rumpleforeskin."
[R-rated] Superman was sent in a rocketship from Krypton to Earth before he could be circumcised. The giant "S" emblem is actually a warning label. It stands for "Smegman." <= sorry, a bit risky, risque and cheesy.
Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.
Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it.
The headquarters of Toyota USA and Honda USA are in the same town just south of the Los Angeles airport. It's ironic the Japanese attack on the US auto industry is launched from Torrance! Torrance! Torrance!
George Washington was "First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of His Countrymen." You probably can't say this in Austin, but George W. Bush, the man they call "Duh-ya", was "WORST in War, WORST in Peace, and WORST in the Hearts of His Countrymen."
Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hey, Homey, I'm Hun!"
Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more into the breechcloth dear friends. Once more."
Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and began performing Shakespeare in the park. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it.
The dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.
I overheard an intelligent vegetable opine, "I sweet potato, therefore I yam."
One of my earliest ancestors was a court jester. In fact, the first FEMALE court jester, named "Lois the Fool." She INVENTED the pun. The King was so amused that one day he decreed, "From this day hence, let it be known that the pun is the Lois form of humor."
Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia on vacation to Paris. When she asked what the extra appliance in the bathroom was, he replied, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet. ... That's all folks!!!"
George Orwell wrote 1984. He was opposed to circumcision, calling it "mutilation" and unnecessary for hygiene. He thought, "Ignorance is bris."
[R-rated] The uncut version of one famous fairytale is "Rumpleforeskin."
[R-rated] Superman was sent in a rocketship from Krypton to Earth before he could be circumcised. The giant "S" emblem is actually a warning label. It stands for "Smegman." <= sorry, a bit risky, risque and cheesy.
Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.
Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it.
The headquarters of Toyota USA and Honda USA are in the same town just south of the Los Angeles airport. It's ironic the Japanese attack on the US auto industry is launched from Torrance! Torrance! Torrance!
George Washington was "First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of His Countrymen." You probably can't say this in Austin, but George W. Bush, the man they call "Duh-ya", was "WORST in War, WORST in Peace, and WORST in the Hearts of His Countrymen."
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