Tommy T's set June 29, 2009 -- with notes

[Added this] Enrique [the comic just before me] wanted me to tell this. I just bought these pants at the big & tall store up the street. Levi's was thoughtful to put a tag that says, "Comfort Fit." What a disappointment. I was hoping for size 50-Anorexic.[some L]

Hello, Tommy T's. How are we all doing? I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] [some L]

FOUR weeks now since my foot surgery. The pain is gone. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine. ["Ooh"] Available in the parking lot after the show[L][L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.[some L]

Don't get me wrong, I love doing stand up, but can I tell you about the most laughs I ever got? In line to see the new Star Trek movie. Have you seen it? OK. What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [use Klingon voice] zi-PLOK. [some L] "Glad"? Only to die In battle. [insufficient L] Where are my Star Trek fans???

Anybody here tonight under 30? I'll be 60 in December. [Gesture of begging with both hands] [omitted: Please, I need the pity.] So I've been under 30 TWICE. The first time was way better.

Why? As a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw.[some L] The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it. [L]

At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall [p] I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] [L]

Married 28 years on August 1st. [Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife.] and we're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. Mostly depressed. We got married 8-1-81, 'cause she wanted me to remember. She likes it when I say her name in bed, so every night I have to write it on my hand.[some L]

If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [L][L] We need anti-depressants.

Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America. [L] Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of So Carolina? He disappeared for 5 days, visiting his mistress in Argentina and charged the airline ticket to the taxpayers. Oops. He refuses to resign. I couldn't remember the name of that big mountain range down there. It's the Andes. He imbezzled the money, Andes STILL the governor. [small L]

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[had to omit this bit because of 4 minute limit]
I don't usually talk about this, but the 4th of July is Saturday. My ex-gf from the 70's became a call girl.
It's like I coached her before she turned pro. Screw "Proud parent of an Honor Student." I want the bumper sticker, "Proud trainer of a call girl." She's very patriotic. On the 4th of July she gives a free bj to
uniformed svcmen, while hummiing the Star Spangled Banner. Makes 'em come to attention. You wouldn't boo if she did it to you. Actually, she likes any guy in uniform. She's going to the next Boy Scout Jamboree. Learn to Pitch a tent?
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I had a "Eureka" moment last week. Lemme explain. The California state motto is Eureka, what the guy said who discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) Greek for "I have found it." An "Aha" moment. Here's what *I* discovered. A man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... when she won't play with my straw. Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover. [L][L] [next time add a variation on: "I used to date white ho's, and now I date a black hose."]

You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.