June 15, 2009 -- the set I meant to do

This was the set I wrote for Tommy T's, but didn't deliver. My fault. [sigh] It would have been semi-great.


Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell.

As you can see, just another up & coming, young comedian, struggling to overcome anorexia.

Well, not so young any more. I used to wake up every morning with an erection. Now it's more like a flex-straw.

Lemme hear you if you're under 30. I've been under 30 TWICE, and believe me the first time was waaay better.

At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Stoneridge Mall I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I park, so I leave the mall and hear this ["You're a dumbshit."]

Married 28 years in August. Let's hear it for my long-suffering wife. We're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. She's always depressed but I'm bipolar, you know manic-depressive, so we have fun sometimes. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't wanna live any more. I like to pronounce it BIP-olar -- because it sounds more, I don't know, PERKY. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. 25th was the silver anniversary. 28th is Zoloft and Abilify. Bring a prescription pad.

My wife likes it when I say her name in bed, but I can only remember it half the time. I wrote it on the headboard. Then I got fat. Now she insists on being on top. So I had to write it on the ceiling. But my foot's been messed, up so I couldn't get on a ladder. I needed HER to write it for me. Lemme tell you. That really kills the spontaneity.

Please excuse the cane. I had foot surgery 3 weeks ago, but I'm feeling better now. from Vicodin and Morphine. Available for purchase in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.

Father's Day is Sunday. Any parents here? I salute you guys. I couldn't take the responsibility, so we don't have kids. We've got a cardigan welsh corgi, little herding dog. Really smart. Our bumper sticker says, "My Corgi can herd your Honor Student."

Anybody else find those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers annoying? I mean *I* could have been an honor student in high school, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.

At the grocery store last week the girl bagging asked, "Paper or plastic?" I said, "I guess I'll kill a tree, not a dinosaur." She said, "Huh?" I said, "You know, dinosaurs became oil that became plastic." She said, "No, there couldn't have been that many dinosaurs." The checker said, "Didn't you go to 6th grade?" And to think, some people complain about the quality of our public schools.

I was there buying rainbow sherbet. (Insert here the Rainbow Sherbet bit from the rhetorich-rx blog.)

Keep on laughing. I'm Rich Orwell. Good night.