Wharf Room -- Dec 08, 2009 -- the Actual Set

I'm happy to say I got more than the 7 minutes I expected, in fact I didn't get the light until 7:30. It worked out really well, because I had trimmed the set down considerably from what I wrote (Duh! THAT set was 12 minutes long) and really worked to slow it down and wait for the laughs.

Got some serious laughs from the large, friendly crowd and a couple of serious applause events, too.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. And one thing Dr Brian didn't tell you, because I didn't tell him, and Friday I'll be 60. Could I get a cheap round of applause? I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year this year at age 59.

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, member of mensa. But after my freshman year was the summer of 1967, the Summer of Love in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin.

A lot has changed in the last 42 years. If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. [LOUD LAFFS] I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance. [SOME LAFFS]

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. [SOME LAFFS] And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that. [HUGE LAFFS]

In 28 years, I learned the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ... men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. It has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit. [BIG LAFFS]

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get 72 virgins. popeye would get 73, because he'd have that extra virgin olive oyl. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew [SOME LAFFS, SOME GROANS]

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine" (I fluffed this, but got good audience interaction recognizing it)

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
[this didn't go over AT ALL. I closed saying] I like to end with a big laugh. Apparently that won't happen tonight.

[GOT LAFFS FOR HOW I HANDLED THE EXIT] [NICE APPLAUSE]

Wharf Room -- Dec 8, 2009 -- The set I wrote

I wrote this 12-minute set for tonight's show at the Wharf Room at Castagnola's. I'll only have 6-8 minutes of stage time, so I thought to post all of it here.

There's no brand-new material here, altho I've only used some of it a few times. Mostly it's tried-and-true.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. This is not a superhero disguise. I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year and Friday I'll be 60. By applause, is it OK for a comic to start at age 59?

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, but didn't graduate until 43. Why? Because the summer after my freshman year was 1967, the Summer of Love in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. You're a pretty big crowd but I smoked more dope in 3 months than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.

If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance.

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I am suffering, once again, an enormous let down. My granddaughter Rachel is NOT one of Tiger Woods' mistresses. Rachel's working her way thru UCLA film school by making videos. I saw the beginning of one on YouPorn.com. She comes into a bedroom wearing a Catholic schoolgirls uniform and tells the male actor she's saving her virginity for her wedding night, but she can do him orally or he can stick it in her butt. Her grandmother and I couldn't be more proud. What an actress. She isn't even Catholic.

Before we moved across the bay, used to live 8 blocks from here. You know Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world? I don';t recommend walking it from here. It's only 8 blocks, but that's 8 blocls as the crows fly and in San Francisco the hills are so steep even the crows take cable cars.

Every year on our anniversary I get my wife a dozen roses. But, as I said we're broke, so this year I got her 2 dozen red IOUs.

Which reminds me. Why did the horticulturist cross the ROSES? To get to the other hybrid.
I made it up, I'm proud, I don't give a shit
And You know what they say about horticulture. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker, ladies and gentlemen.

Kay jewelers is running xmas ads on TV. It's rough going to the mall. begins with p.
pissed her off

In 28 years, I learned
the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ...
men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. genitalia.
hidden agendas

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit.

roman polanski out of jail friday on 4.5mill bail lots of oral sex and anal sex

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get
72 virgins. popeye

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine"

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country,
would anybody wonder where the swine flew

Last week Chelsea Clinton, a Methodist, got engaged to her long-term boyfriend Marc Mezvinski, who is a total Jew. People are speculating which one will convert to the other's faith. Chelsea and Marc have known each other for like forever and went to Stanford together. If you remember, Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with Monica Lewinsky because they only had oral sex. After that, the joke was when Hillary visited Chelsea at Stanford and asked "Have you had sex yet?", Chelsea answered "Not according to Dad." Going back a few years, Peter Paul and Mary were popular back when Bill Clinton and Hillary were dating in college. One night Hillary came back to the dorm and her roommate asked, "How did your hair get all sticky?" and Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind." Well, she didn't HAVE to turn her head. She could have swallowed.

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE

Twas the Day After Thanksgiving

I wrote this after the deaths at a Toys 'R' Us store in Riverside County, California, on Black Friday in 2009. Two women got into a fight, then their husbands went to their cars, brought back pistols, and shot each other dead.

Toys 'R' Us Xmas

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving
when all thru the store
not a creature was stirring
the cops held the door

the bodies were stacked by the entrance with care
in hopes that the coroner
soon would be there

the bargains were won
by the hares, not the tortoises
and clutched in their hands
for all time -- rigor mortises

The autos were nestled, all parked in their lots,
The ammo was loaded, when out rang the shots;
Mom in her Kevlar, I in my red shirt,
Learned two shoppers were down -- hoped no reindeer were hurt.

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Blitzen!
I wet myself thoroughly, my pants full of shitzen
"To the end of the aisle! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! get away from the mall!"

Gurneys to hearses, and the cops blew their whistles,
And away they all flew, tagging toes, ducking missiles.
But I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
"Half off, aisle 4, and to all a good-night."

More about my "High-atus"

I had a somewhat wretched set on Thanksgiving Eve.

First, I flipped a coin to see who would go 1st vs. 4th of 9 comics -- and lost. I had to go on first. An unenviable position.

More importantly, I lost all sense of time and had to have music play me off the stage. I heard afterward that I had gotten the one-minute light 3 times, but missed it each time. I was definitely dazed up there, like a deer in headlights. Hence the hiatus until I get used to the new meds.

Actually, most of the new jokes worked. All the older stuff worked, of course. I had a few huge laughs and some applause. Very gratifying. Some of the new stuff, however, did not work. I felt like I was talking out of turn in a library :)

I made an audio recording. I might transcribe some of it here later.

My "atus" is as high as an elephant's eye.

I'm putting my stand-up comedy "career" on hiatus until my bipolar meds stabilize.

My brain is numb. I see things through a fog.

I remember an old Bill Cosby line, "My tongue is asleep and my teeth itch." Yeah. It's like that.

The title is derived from "Oh, What a beautiful morning."

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like its climbin' clear up to the sky.

Chorus:
Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way.

Comfortabler?

Is there such a word as "Comfortabler"? I mean the comparative state of "more comfortable."

I looked at the video from last night at Bunjo's and noticed that, while my memory was still useless (so I had set notes on stage with me), I appeared loose and relaxed. That's the way I felt, too, more so than I can remember.

I *know* the things I'm still doing wrong. Too many (ummm, you know, what can I tell you?) "non-words" and too many words in general, but (despite that) I'm getting into an easier delivery style with more audience rapport and interaction.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Papillon: "Hey you bastards, I'm still here." (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070511/)

Busy days at open mics & showcases lately. Last night (Friday) at Bunjo's, Monday at Tommy T's, Wednesday at Rooster T. Feather's.

Mostly, however, I've been distracted by real-life events. I'll write more when I can.

(Semi-)Famous again

I got on CNN (albeit anonymously) for a second time, having my email on screen and read aloud by Jack Cafferty on the Wolf Blitzer "Situation Room" show yesterday. The subject was H1N1, so I sent the comedy line I wrote months ago. You can see it online ("Rich writes: If Rush Limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew?") near the bottom of the transcript at http://rhetorich.com/CaffertyFile.htm.

If I could live on laughter, I would. Money, however, is necessary.

I'm a lazy sack o' stuff

Not enuf energy to write. Here are 2 brief bits from the Halloween Comedy / Costume Party at Bunjo's in Dublin on Saturday night.


"White Belt"


"Horticulture"

Obama is more Nobel than George W. Bush

George W. Bush. Ain't nothin' to say.

Why did Obama win the Nobel Prize? Because he isn't George W. Bush.

Without getting into why the rest of the world thinks more highly of Obama than Bush, or why *I* do, let's simply compare them on one criterion: Intelligence. Obama is a smart man. Bush is what's been called "not intellectually curious."

"Intellectually curious" means seeking out new information, a desire to learn, the willingness to admit when one is wrong and correct those misconceptions, the ability to integrate new facts into one's world view.

Here's an example. George W. Bush learned to sing "Old MacDonald had a farm" by heart as a very young child and STILL believes "farm" is spelled "e-i-e-i-o."

Bunjo's - Sept 25, 2009 - Most of the actual set

Some of the things other comics before me mentioned:

Both Sean and DrB talked about candy bars.

Patrick talked about his mother being a heavy smoker.

DrB talked about walking his dog.

Mac made a Scooby Doo "Wuh?" sound talking about his reaction to a child's bad behavior in a store.

Fillmore talked about couples who've been married a long time not performing oral sex.

My routine went a little bit like the following. The order is probably not correct, and I abbreviated at the end bits you've heard before.

--------------
Yes, I'm here to sell you insurance from the AARP. I *am* Rich Orwell, the youngest, most attractive comic here tonight. I had this really tight set prepared, but I've got ADD, so I'm gonna toss it out and just talk about what the other guys said. I think I know where the ADD came from. Patrick talked about his mother being a heavy smoker. My mother smoked 3 packs a day of unfiltered Camels every day from the age of 18, including when she was pregnant with me. I was swimming in amniotic fluid that was basically a toxic waste dump. I spun around so much trying to get out that I wrapped my umbilical cord 4 1/2 times around my neck. I couldn't be delivered, so the doctor had to reach in with forceps and grab my head and untwist me 4 1/2 times. Afterwards, he said to my mother, "Well, Meredith, how did you like getting UN-screwed?" Sean and DrBrian were both talking about candy bars. I'm also bipolar. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna fucking kill yourself. Mac made that "Huh?" sound and it reminded me of the bumper sticker I saw today, "What would Scooby do?" I live in Castro Valley. Does anybody know where that is? About 5 miles west of here. There are only 2 main streets, Castro Valley Blvd and Redwood Road. DrBrian was talking about walking his dog. Dog owners, does this ever happen to you? Somebody comes up to your dog and instead of asking you his name, they ask the dog, "What's your name, boy?" And then the dog looks at you, like "What does he think I'm gonna do, answer?" I'd like to have a dog named Rumford, so when that happens my dog can SAY [bark] "Rumford." And then I say to him "And tell him where we live." And the dog can say, [bark] "Reh-roo Roa." SOME material about McCain's Grand for Grandma, including Acme Slingshot Company. ====== Other, practiced material >>> Jews don't eat pig bit. She got Creamated. Can't dance on an urn. Blowin' in the wind. Didn't have to turn her head. Could have swallowed. Which brings me to what Fillmore said about couples after being married a long time not performing oral sex. Like Bill, etc. Intro Hoover, plus 2 new bits, "I prefer a lubricated rubber." and "Ribbed for her pleasure." White Hose. I *am* a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.

Bunjo's - September 25, 2009 - fun, again

A good set last night.

There were 10 performers on the scheduled line-up, but 13 showed up and got stage time. *All* were somewhere between good and excellent, a rarity. One popular local fellow walked in and got 5 minutes, and 2 *nationally known* comics made surprise appearances for longer sets. By "nationally known" I mean guys who've appeared on HBO & Comedy Central

I had tightened up the 5-minute set from Rooster's on Wednesday and intended to repeat it, but got *7* minutes of time and mostly just wallowed happily in ADHD riffs on earlier comics' topics.

As usual, I screwed up making a video, so don't have it.

I'll have to recall what I said from memory & notes, but will post what I can later.

There's been a pleasant trend of having better audience rapport & response.

As always, a lot of each set is topical/political material that I'm delivering without much live practice. It's difficult to get the writing and delivery right the first couple of times.

The GOOD news about doing call backs on other guys' sets is that I (mostly) can use material I wrote & rehearsed (if only in my head) before. It *looks* like spontaneous ad libs, but is of a higher quality than that.

The audience *loves* it when I say (as I did last night), "I wrote this excellent set for you tonight, but my ADD kicked in and I'm throwing it out. I wanna talk about what the other guys said instead." I went with that new-seeming material for at least half the set before getting back into what I had prepared, including some even newer and better material I added to the "Hoover" closer.

Rooster T. Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - Original Set

Here's the set I wrote, with annotations I made at the club before I went up of where I wanted to change the order. The original notes, with arrows, etc., would be more instructive, but you can look at this script and the video below to see how it went.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. 15

to #A [I also walk with a limp, after 4 surgeries on my left foot. I was taking vicodin and morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my American Indian name, "Walks with a limp...Dick." I don't wanna talk about it.]

First of all, happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends.

I'm not Jewish. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I mean, we REALLY didn't like each other. When she died I wanted to dance on her grave, but she thwarted me once AGAIN. She got cremated. There's no way to dance on the top of an URN. All I could do was hop up and down like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

#A You know mary travers of peter paul & mary died last Wednesday. If you're too young to know them, Peter Paul and Mary were enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & martin luther king were assassinated and during the protests against the war in viet nam.

There were stories that their song "puff the magic dragon" was about smoking weed. Or maybe it was just a childrens' song. Or maybe it was a childrens' song about smoking weed. Bill Clinton reportedly puffed in college, but says he didn't inhale. That is, btw, excellent advice for those of you who plan to take up glass blowing.

Think about it. Molten glass -- bad for the lungs.

If I had a Hammer, there'd be single payer healthcare.

After Obama's inauguration, George Bush is reported to have been singing this on the way home to Texas. "I'm leavin on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." Were you like me, watching that? I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were dating in college and very active in the anti-war movement. Young and passionate in ways we can't imagine them being now. And, like everyone else at the time, they had a favorite Peter Paul & Mary song. You see, Hillary came back to her dorm room after a date with Bill one night and her roommate asked, "How'd your hair get all sticky?" And Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind."

Well, she didn't HAVE TO turn her head. She COULD have swallowed.

There's not even a whisper of a breeze in the Oval Office. Look at Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.

My wife's in the audience. We've been married 28 years. [a] But, like Hillary Clinton, there are certain things she doesn't like to do for me anymore. So like Bill Clinton, I got a lover who does. I'd like to introduce her.to you now. Do you like it when your lover is noisy? When I turn her on, she is REALLY loud. Her name is Hoover [p]. She likes to do it for me ALL the time. She's different from all the women I used to know. I only used to go out with WHITE hose.

I'm a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.

Rooster T, Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - the video

As I said in an earlier post, this was fun but very improvable. At least it was fairly-well received.

Roosters -- September 23, 2009 -- Improvable

I had fun tonight.

Lots of areas need improvement, but I've added laugh-generating material to some of my reliable bits that work every time -- either (1) laugh starters in the setup BEFORE the punch line or (2) secondary add-on punch lines that build on or extend the duration of laughter.

That's all a fancy way of saying I'm linking more jokes into chunks of working material. A bit that might have run for a 0:50 now has two more jokes and goes 1:15. An excellent new 30 second bit has 2 more jokes that follow in 10 seconds -- sustaining, building momentum.

I'll post the video later.

I could list all the things I did wrong, but I won't. I know what they are. I also know what I did well.

I may also post the text of the set. As always, my focus is on the writing, but I need to change my focus to the delivery, the performance.

White teeth

I've never cared about having a dazzling smile. I never got into the habit of brushing. Wore braces. Had a mom who didn't give a shit.

Say "la vee," I s'pose.

Anyway, I found this amazing product to whiten teeth. It's called PhotoShop. I just add a layer of white teeth to any digital photo and voila!

Dance on My Grave

I know I've pissed off a lot of people in my life. Some would like to come to my funeral, just to dance on my grave, but I will have the last laugh because I plan to be cremated and it's really hard to dance on the top of an urn. They'll only be able to hop up and down on one foot, like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid. That movie reference shouldn't be too old for you. It only came out in 1984. LOL

Bunjo's - September 18, 2009 - A good set, for a change

I *may* get around to posting the audio from my set when I get it. I forgot to bring my #$%^ing camera to shoot a video of it.

Unusually good audience interaction. It felt like my delivery was less rushed and my timing was better. When individual bits didn't work, my ad libs with the crowd did. A stronger stage presence. More focus *outward* than on the exact words I'd rehearsed. More comfortable and natural.

I know, I know. It wasn't *that* good. But it felt far better than other recent sets.

I started with much longer set notes, but crossed out all but the material I really *wanted* to use. Below are the notes I ended up using.

limp - surgeries -
dances w/ wolves
that was the name given to him by the Sioux Indians
my name is Richard, but wife calls me by Indian name
walks with a limp dick
dick doc

mary travers of peter paul & mary died wednesday of complications of chemo for leukemia
she was 72
enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & mlk were assassinated
and during the protests against the war in viet nam.
clinton blowin in the wind
bush after obama inaug. it is reported sang leavin on a jet plane
were you like me, watching ?
I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone
speaking of jet planes
the h1n1 epidemic has scared rush limbaugh so much that he fled the country
and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder
rush limbaugh Michael Jackson during bush & obama admins
puff the magic dragon
didn't inhale, btw, good advice for those of you who want to take up glass blowing

cash for clunkers
grand for grandma
most medical money last 6 months

john mccain
grand canyon arizona
over a mile deep

death slingshot
family & friends pull back on rubber band
side-by-side dual slingshot
extra money for TV rights
hitting target 3600 feet below
america's wile e coyote exit strategy

Hoover (she's NOISY)

Lazy lately

I've been performing a lot during this month of September, but not posting to this site. Sorry.

Other than being busy with other things, I've had a mind-technology meltdown. I forget to bring my camera or the batteries for it. Or the batteries die in the middle of my set. Or something else that means I would have to type the whole thing. I'm just not that energetic.

I have a few audio-only recordings in mp3 format. Maybe I'll figure out a way to post those.

Wharf Room Comedy - September 1, 2009 - The Set I Planned

I had this well-written, nicely rehearsed 5 minute set ready. And then learned I would have *6* minutes, so added material I'd used before but *not* rehearsed for this show. I ended up changing it a bit, but did it mostly the way I had planned. I *may* get a video of the whole set and post more than what I did already below. Here is what I wrote.

How many of you are thinking, "That is the BEST super-hero disguise ever"? He must have *amazing* super-powers.

I AM Rich Orwell. The youngest, most attractive performer you will see tonight. I keep having surgeries on this foot. Four surgeries. 3 Doctors. I'm putting their kids through college. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

By applause, do you think it's OK to start doing stand-up at age 59? That's good. I thought for a second there I'd have to limp off the stage.

In all that time, there's one thing I learned. The real difference between men and women. Men are simple and obvious. Ladies, would you agree? Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. If "agenda" doesn't sound like a sex organ, you need to get your head in the gutter.

Do you remember that Kevin Costner movie where the Indians named him "Dances With Wolves"? My name is Richard, but my wife likes to call me, "Walks with a limp ... dick."

[Inserted Dick-Doc bit here. See it in the video below]

I'm bipolar. Inherited it from my dad. They used to call it manic-depressive. Big mood swings. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you just wanna f-ckin' kill yourself.

Seriously, I was an *actual* hippie in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, 17 years old during the Summer of Love, 1967. I'll be available after the show if you wanna have your picture taken with me. All that's different is: no shoulder-length hair, 100 pounds heavier and I don't smoke half my body weight in marijuana any more.

It's really good to be here in San Francisco again. My wife and I are natives, but we moved across the bay 20 years ago. We lived 8 blocks from here on Russian Hill. Have you visitors from out of town driven down Lombard Street? "The Crookedest Street in the World"? We lived a block away. It sounds close, but if you wanna walk there after the show, remember those are blocks "as the crow flies", but steep enough that even the crows take a cable car.

Here's a safety tip from a native. In the unlikely event of an earthquake, remember, don't overreact. Run to the nearest window, point outside, and yell "Godzilla!" That totally relieves the tension in the room, unless people around you believe it. Like Japanese tourists.

My wife is in the audience tonight. We've been married 28 years. She married me for my sense of humor, but stayed married for the Pope. Apparently, Catholics take that "no divorce" shit *seriously*.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist woman who married a skinny, little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me, "In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm." Tell me. Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? So I looked at her and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

In closing, not only is my wife here, but I brought my girlfriend, too. After 28 years of marriage there are some things my wife doesn't like to do for me anymore. I think you can guess one of them when you meet my girlfriend. Her name is Hoover. Hi, honey. What do *you* like to do? I know how to turn her on. It's like a switch. She is *so* different from the women I went out with before. I only used to date white hose. You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.

Hidden Agendas, slightly improved telling

I've told my "Women have hidden agendas" bit a few times and like *parts* of how I've told it each time. Last night was a bit rushed (a rushed bit?), but I think this will become a staple in my sets.

Wharf Room Comedy at Castagnola's. Sept 1, 2009

Even the Crows Take the Cable Car

Last night was my first time playing a club in San Francisco. Located in the Fisherman's Wharf area, it was 6 blocks from where Maryann & I lived for many years.

I wrote this joke for the occasion, but delivered it hastily. The NEXT time I do it, it will be awesome.

Wharf Room Comedy at Castagnola's. Sept 1, 2009.

She calls me, "Walks with a limp ... dick"

I'm not the Adonis I used to be. After 4 surgeries on my left foot, I walk with a limp (or a cane). My "erectile dysfunction" issues seem typical for a man my age, so I put the 2 together in this bit. This was new material, delivered hastily, but I think you con see it has a future.

Wharf Room Comedy at Castagnola's in San Francisco, September 1, 2009.

Wharf Room Comedy - September 1, 2009 - "Learnings and Take-Aways"

I say "Learnings and Take-Aways" because I have a vague sense that those are (somewhat) new buzz-words for the results of a business meeting. I didn't spend much time as a career clone in the corporate world

I went up as 2nd comic following the MC/host, DrBrian, & wasted a minute riffing on the first guy. This A.D.H.D. thing may work when I have time to plan changes, but not when flying by the seat of my massive pants.

Last night I heard at the last minute that I'd have *6* minutes after crafting a tight 5. Added 1 minute of other, unrehearsed, material. Got up there & pissed away a minute on first guy's dreck (although the riffs were material I'd used before & it all worked), then was so worried about not having enough time to do the set I'd written that I rushed through it, NOT allowing time for laughs to build, and lost concentration -- had to refer to notes all the time.

Pretty-much all the (excellently-written) material worked, and the (small) audience liked it, but I didn't give them a chance to REALLY like it because I talked too fast and too much. I didn't totally stink up the place, and the video looks better than I felt while doing it, but I'm pissed at myself. Maybe when I perform in the future I'll just wear headphones to drown out the earlier acts.

I'll post a few videos later.

Tommy T's - August 31, 2009

I feel really good about tonight's performance. I got into the "Top 5" of 20 performers and actually felt like I deserved to be there.

Drew Pult won, as might be expected, and there was a 1st-timer there with an entourage who came in 2nd. Of the 3 others, I had a small following, but didn't feel like it was "mercy applause", as I had gotten before, but that a few folks actually liked my act.

I went up #10 (I think) and riffed on 5 performers who had been up before me. Luckily, the audience both (1) remembered the earlier comics & their material and (2) had enough energy to laugh & applaud. 2 or 3 comics later, they would have forgotten & had no energy. I timed my spot on the list well.

Two of the bits played directly off what others had said & done (*actual* ad libs). I had used the other 3 before, with some success, but making apparently spontaneous call backs to what the other folks said made the bits work better than they ever had before. Very gratifying.

I had expected to do a 5 minute set, in the new 20-performer-only format. But they changed it to *4* minute sets. I had timed each element, so I knew what to cut to make it into 4 minutes. Then, as I heard material for the new things, I adjusted the 4 minute set to make room.

I had planned 10 bits, for 4:50 total. Along the way, I ended up cutting 2:05, to make it 2:45, then added 1:15 of the new stuff for a total of 4:00.

There was nothing that fell flat. I also managed to *wait* for laughs better than I had ever done before. When I waited, the laughs came.

Afterwards, I congratulated a few of the performers I thought had done a good job and a few (of them and others) congratulated me. A good night.

In my infinite lack of technical expertise, of course, I managed to make neither a video nor an audio. [sigh]

No guarantees, but I *may* copy the old material and add the new stuff to make a sort of transcript to post later.

Paddy's Coffee House - August 28, 2009

(I'm the old guy on the right side of the photo)

This was an *almost* new experience for me.

This neighborhood coffee house is in very-ethnic Union City. Other than the comics, I think I saw 2 Caucasians there, but everybody else appeared to be 18-year old Asians (mostly Southeast Asians, I believe).

The event was hosted by my friend Molly Sokhom, who is Cambodian, and all the other comics were (as usual) young people.

Pretty-much none of my material worked with that particular audience, until my "white hose" closer -- which always kills.

I said "*almost* new experience" because I once made a sales presentation to the Computer Operations department at the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco on the day after St. Patrick's day. "Paddy's Day" in San Francisco is like a holiday. Everybody goes out and gets drunk. The following day is when everybody has a hangover.

The particular presentation I gave contained a lot of humor -- I was emulating the style of the author of the product, who was very entertaining when he talked about it.

Oh, did I forget to mention that *100%* of the audience was Chinese? *They* weren't hung-over (nor was I) and *they* all sat there, *not* laughing for a solid hour. Talk about a "rough room."

I had the District Manager and a new Sales Rep with me, both of whom were there to observe my presentation and learn about the product from me. Unlike the Chinese audience, my 2 co-workers *were* hung-over and hugely amused at my plight.

Seriously, one hour with no audience response AT ALL.

The good news: I will never be crushed by having an act die on stage again.

I made a composite group photo of the comics in Photoshop from 2 photos my friend Tim shot.

Bunjo's - August 28, 2009 - Distracted fun

I had fun tonight at Bunjo's, despite being distracted by needing be the first comic of the night, so I could leave to get to another gig 20 minutes away.

It *wasn't* polished, what with insufficient rehearsal time, so frequently referring to notes. But the bits mostly worked. Delivery will improve over time.

Here are two bits:

Tommy T's - August 24, 2009

Man, it is *tough* to make some bits work. Maybe it's my misjudging the audience or my delivery, but some things I expect to work don't.

Two pieces of new material worked. Two didn't, but I'm going to keep working on one of them. *I* know it's funny.

Granddaughter Rachel

You are *so* lucky! Tommy T's -- Aug 24, 2009

Last night I wrote my set for tonight at Tommy T's. It's almost *all* new. Also, too long -- I can only do part of it.

The reason you're lucky is that I'm going to post it in its current draft form *here and now.* Get ready!
---

I began doing stand-up this year, at the tender age of 59. Can you show me by applause if you think that's OK? That's a relief.

I am, of course, a space alien playing a virtual reality game called "Life on Earth" that I may win only by achieving fame and fortune for my character "Rich Orwell", a mentally unstable stand-up comic. I have maximized the difficulty by choosing a sick, old body that will expire soon. When it does, I lose the game. [loudly into mic] Back in the bar. Did I leave my meds there?

When you get to be my age, your children and your grandchildren are grown.

David
I talked over the weekend on the phone with my son david. He's 41 and just got divorced after a 20 year marriage. He's a little rusty at dating, so he went to those online dating services. Maybe you've seen the ads on TV for eHarmony dot com, chemistry dot com and match dot com. You've probably never used them, so lemme tell you how they work. You spend a long time taking a personality test and talking about your likes and dislikes, then their computers and psychologists decide who's compatible and see if you wanna get together. Very hi-tech.

He started with eHarmony dot com. They rejected him. I didn't know they would do that. Apparently they feel like if they take your money but you're so twisted they can't get you any dates, you'll probably make a lot of trouble for them demanding your money back. So, Thanks, but no thanks.

Then he went to chemistry dot com. They scored his test and put him in a category they call "adventurer", like Captain Morgan or Marco Polo. The problem was, upon further review, they rejected him, too. They said the only category of women compatible with him was called "victim."

Do you see a trend here? Finally he went to match dot com. And I think he finally figured out why he kept getting rejected. All along he'd been telling them his favorite hobby is "playing with matches." Even match dot com doesn't wanna hear that "play with matches" shit. But at least they asked him for clarification. He wrote back, and I wrote it down. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac. If you send me some women, I'll just tie them up and play with them. A little. I like to play with matches."

So he's still sitting at home alone, watching internet porn.

Rachel
His daughter Rachel, my sweet little granddaughter, is 19 now. She moved to Hollywood by herself last year to become a movie or TV actress. And I guess she found some success. A friend emailed me he saw her first video on the internet. So I took a look. I thought at first it was about a registered nurse (you know, a R.N.) at the post office, the P.O. It was on a site like YouTube called You p-o r-n. Have you heard of it? I didn't watch the whole thing, but I can tell you the title and a little of the plot. I don't want to offend anybody, so when I get to certain words that start with the letter "B" I'll just say "B" and you can shout out what you think the word is, OK. If you don't guess right, Then I'll give you a hint. OK? The title was "On your knees, B" -- what's the word? That's right Brenda. That was her character's name. She comes into frame wearing a catholic schoolgirls uniform and says to this guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding night. But I can B you." What's the word? That's right baloney you. "Or you can put it in my B" My Be kind to animals." Her grandma and I are so proud, this year for her birthday, I think we'll give her TWO big stuffed teddy bears.


earthquake
As a native San Franciscan and lifetime resident of the bay area, I've been through a LOT of earthquakes. So I don't overreact.

I was in the basement of the student union at UC Berkeley, playing a video game when the Loma Prieta quake hit in 1989. I had the same reaction as everybody else in the room. Pause for a moment. Go back to playing. If a multi-story building is gonna collapse on your head, so be it. I had a *quarter* invested in that game. And I was gonna beat the high score. Ya gotta have priorities.

I think the best thing you can do in an earthquake is not what they tell you: hide under a table, run out of the building or stand in a doorway. The most fun is to run to a window, point out into the sky and yell, [shout] "Godzilla!" Then look into the eyes of any tourists around you, just to see who wasn't sure if you were telling the truth.


grand for grandma
now that the cash for clunkers program has run out of money, Obama secretly wants to introduce a medical cost-cutting measure called "grand 4 grandma." A tremendous part of our medicare, insurance, and private healthcare dollars go into "end-of-life" care. Money for procedures during the last 6 months of life. If the family is willing to NOT take those extraordinary steps and euthanize grandma painlessly, not only will they save all that money, but the government will GIVE them $1,000.

TEN thousand if she allows herself to be videotaped jumping off the "Grand Canyon Skywalk." The horseshoe-shaped glass walkway that stands at 3,600 feet above the floor of the canyon. A skydiver cameraman jumps first to tape grandma's fall -- the only difference is grandma doesn't have a parachute. extra TEN thousand in government money if grandma can hit a target painted below, although she needs to adjust for tricky, swirling canyon winds and doesn't get a second chance. there is absolutely no danger of grandma being injured or maimed because death is certain, but it is entirely likely she will be puréed, liked mashed potatoes or apple sauce. If they can find what's left of her liver, it can be made into a tasty spread for crackers and labeled with her name and the words Pate de fois moi. Liver paste of me. The family can pay Anthony Hopkins to come to her wake as Hannibal Lecter and eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. f-f-f-f-f-f If willing to forego the chance at the extra money for grandma landing on target, the family can earn an extra TWENTY thousand dollars by allowing them to be filmed while pulling a slingshot in which grandma is seated back far enough to launch her even further out above the canyon floor. The official term for this shall be the Wile E. Coyote "send off."

Ask any republican. THIS is where the democrat's healthcare reform will lead. The Obama Death Slingshot.

Bunjo's - August 21, 2009 - *Still* not the best, but fun

Another evening of only semi-stellar performing. The older, tried-and-true material worked, but only *some* of the new stuff.

I continue to be aware how difficult it is to do topical humor. That "common ground" issue keeps coming up. While *I* am a news junkie, most of the people in the audience aren't. Further, talking about current events means my material is unpracticed, not polished & rehearsed.

Tom Ridge's revelations about the Bushie's political manipulation of the Homeland Security Threat Level was lost on the crowd. So was Michael Vick's "60 Minutes" interview & its ramifications.

I absolutely need to go autobiographical. The story about granddaughter Rachel's video on YouPorn worked OK (on the younger members of the audience only). Perhaps talking next time about son David's experience with internet dating will work better. At least people of all ages (who watch TV) will have heard of those dating sites. I can also go more "PG" than "R" or "X" talking about dating instead of porno.

I can also go local-geographical. "Godzilla" bit, get ready for some stage time!

As always, I'll look at the video & decide what to post.

Update: I looked at the video. Of a 7:30 set, 3 minutes *worked*. 1 minute old, 2 minutes new. That only leaves 4:30 minutes of new material that *didn't* work. Grim. [sigh]

Roosters - August 19, 2009 - The set I planned.

*Some* things worked tonight at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, Ca. Others didn't, and I tend to fixate on those. Too many words. Too many non-words. Delivery too rushed. Not adequately rehearsed.

All that aside, a good time. Laughs where I expected them. Some of them long and loud.

As always, the set I wrote is MUCH better than what I delivered. I'll post that ACTUAL set later, with links to short video segments (i.e. only the bits that worked).
-------------

Let's address the elephant in the room, the thing we all see but don't talk about. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. Show me by applause if you thinks it's OK for a 59-year old man to start doing stand-up.

Are there other guys named Richard here? What do people call you for short? Rich, Rick, Dick? Guys called Dick have a bad reputation. Dick Nixon, Dick Cheney. So when I got my native American name, I didn't like the way my wife says it. "Walks with a limp... dick"

did you see Michael Vick on 60 minutes Sunday? You know about this guy? highest paid quarterback in history who played for the Atlanta Falcons and was convicted of running a dog fighting operation in Virginia for 6 years. Now he's out of prison, got attorneys, agents and media advisers to help him through interviews like 60 minutes. He will be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFL, where there are a lot of aggressive dog lovers. He may be involved in a lot of penalties.

I think he's already been sent to prison for unsportsmanlike conduct, but he may be exposed to to unnecessary roughness, Intentional pounding, and (especially since we're here at Roosters) personal fowls.

It's a good thing Philadelphia Eagles are in the NFC East, so it won't be until the super bowl when he may have to meet the AFC North team, the newly-renamed Steelers, the Pittsburg Pit Bulls.

Bill Clinton in the news, getting those reporters out of N Korea. I saw him on CNN being debriefed by Pres. Obama in the white house situation room. Remember him saying he smoked marijuana but "Didn't inhale"? "Don't inhale" is the first thing they teach you in glass blowing class.

Do you or your family watch pbs kids' shows, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, Barney? Mark Sanford, the Governor of South Carolina who disappeared for 5 days over (and you gotta love this) fathers' day weekend in June to visit his mistress in Argentina. On his return, he gave a press conference where he called his mistress his quote soul mate unquote. His wife is, understandably upset. He's trying to work things out. He took his wife & 4 sons on a 2 week vacation to Europe. Returned on a Wednesday. His wife took a little time to recover from jet lag, then took the boys and moved out Friday. He's facing ethics charges for having the state pay for his ticket to Argentina. His wife gave Vogue Magazine an interview where she said, "I have learned that these affairs are almost like an addiction to alcohol or pornography." So who is the object of his addiction. The media hasn't been showing pictures of her, but I obtained one. Who can blame him? [show] Carmen Sandiego. What a babe. Where in the world is Mark Sanford? He's in Argentina.

After 28 years, my wife refuses to do certain things for me. So, like Mark Sanford, I got a mistress, too. She likes to do what I want ALL the time. Let me introduce her to you now. Her name is Hoover. And she's very different from all the other women I've known. I only used to date white hose.

Tommy T's - August 17, 2009

This felt worse at the time that it plays on the video. I'd give it a B- grade overall. But I *really* need to stop saying "You Know" all the time. Speaking coaches call these "non-words", just like "uhh". Weak. I had a new topical bit about Michael Vick that I didn't deliver well. But I'll do it better at Roosters on Wednesday. I also introduced a new bit about my granddaughter Rachel's YouPorn video. Parts of it worked well. I just need to tighten it a bit. The Mark Sanford bit worked better, now that I eliminated the 2 book covers. The hose closer, of course, killed. At Dr. Brian's suggestion, I included a reference to Chris Rock that worked well.

You can see the video at http://bit.ly/3ViOVe

Bunjo's - August 14, 2009 - Not the best, but fun

http://bit.ly/c6ptD

Enjoy. Please.

[Note: this is a slightly shorter version of the same video from before]

Screw you -- I'm busy and tired

I decided I might NOT transcribe and post the two sets I performed last week. If I had the videos, no problem. But typing all that sh*t feels like WORK. When I get rich and famous, I'll HIRE somebody to transcribe it all. :)

What I can offer you instead is a video of the complete set I did last night at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, Ca. Not my BEST set, but fun, anyway.

Remiss

I've been remiss in not posting this week. I have to transcribe and post the sets from Tommy's on Monday and Bunjo's on Friday. I'm taking tomorrow night off, so maybe I'll get them done then. I'm mad at myself for not bringing fresh batteries for the camera Monday & starting the video too early Friday, so I have only the first *few* minutes of my set. [sigh] On each occasion, though, I recorded the audio, so at least I can copy down the words for you when I get a chance, gentle reader.

I joined MySpace Comedy today, something I've been consciously avoiding. MySpace has become the "crazy uncle" of social networking sites. Too many teens, tweens, and crazies. But I need the presence, so I did it (MySpace.com/richorwell). I mostly use Facebook (Facebook.com/rich.orwell) and Twitter (Twitter.com/rhetorich).

If you want it, you can make a bid on the domain name "sitonmyfacebook.com" Best of luck.

I also joined a few more SIGs (Special Interest Groups) at Mensa, so I need to read all *those* daily email digests. I've got 100 digests from my 2 Yahoo pun groups to read, too.

On the comedy gig front, I've booked open mic nights and new talent showcases in the next few weeks at 3 clubs outside my "comfort zone" of Tommy T's and Bunjo's: a second appearance at Rooster's in Sunnyvale, and first appearances at Paddy's Coffee House in Union City and the Wharf Room at Castagnola's restaurant in San Francisco. It will be a good learning experience to work at different clubs, each with its own audience mix.

I've decided to change the flavor of my sets to more "biographical" and less "current news & politics". This will require a good deal of writing, but I have until Friday to work on it.

Brief Throught

I'll post more about last night's set at Tommy T's tomorrow. But this is what I put on Facebook last night:

Tonight at Tommy T's, I was the one who sucked most of the ones who sucked least. Which is to say: of the 30 comics who performed, the audience got to vote for a favorite among the "top 8" chosen by management. While I got the least votes of those 8, at least I got to be in the group. As her father's character said to Jodie Foster in the movie "Contact", "Small moves, Ellie, small moves."

Healthy, defined

Maryann, Wife Charming, after the several times it takes to walk all the dogs, is feeling a little "down" physically. So I took her blood pressure and blood sugar. Pressure was a tad high, but the sugar was 99 -- which is to say, perfect.

On those rare occasions I take a non-diabetic's blood sugar, it always amazes me that it comes up plus-or-minus a point or two of 100.

Hurray for the human body. Go pancreas!

Lately

I've been entering the text of the several hundred jokes I wrote into a database, complete with keywords to find them & string them together into comedy routines.

This is tedious, mind-numbing work.

I have A.D.D. I don't do "tedious." I don't do "mind-numbing."

What I *do* is find distractions to take me away from getting the work done.

Squirrel!

Rhetoric Dept Grad Speech -- the Joke

I love to share this story with rhetoricians.

I graduated with honors in Rhetoric in 1993 from the University of California, Berkeley, and won the competition to be the opening speaker at graduation. The competition consisted of delivering our (5 minute) speeches to the department chair and some faculty members.

When the Chair told me I had won, he also told me I would have to delete a joke from the speech I had written. Censorship at Berkeley? Amazing.

I was given a choice: tell the joke and lose my honors status or not.

Here's the joke:

"Because there's no 'pre-law' major at Berkeley, many future lawyers here study Rhetoric. It is a rare opportunity for those of us who do not intend to become lawyers to observe the lawyer in its larval stage, before it pupates as a pupil at law school and emerges as a full-fledged, adult, blood-sucking parasite."

The Chair said, "The PARENTS of those future lawyers will be in the audience." I replied, "They'll understand that something is either actionable or not. They may even like it. It will roll off them like water from a duck's back." At that point the Chair reiterated his "don't tell it or else" position.

So I didn't tell it.

BTW, in the tradition of oral presentation, the department gives each graduating student the opportunity to give a 30-second statement when his or her name is called. It's a lot of fun to watch.

Roosters - July 29, 2009 - the set I planned

This is far better than the set I actually performed. [sigh]

Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. Struggling to overcome anorexia.

I'm moving a little slowly. You may have noticed the cane. I had some surgery on my left foot but I'm getting better. I was taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available in the parking lot.

I brought some news stories, but first my wife's here tonight. Saturday is our *28th* anniversary. If I forget we got married on "8-1-8-1", I'm in some serious trouble.

It's a good thing she picked a date that's easy to remember. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Mall, I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I PARK, so when I leave the mall, I hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] }}}

Yes, 28th years... the secret is compatibility. Actually, she's clinically depressed and I'm bipolar, but we make it work somehow. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. Bring your prescription pads.



I'm unemployed and broke, just like California. I always buy her roses on our anniversary. So this year, like California, I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs.

I was hoping to find something nice, but inexpensive, at Kay Jewelers. No luck. I was looking at the display case when the salesperson came over and said, "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." So I looked up and said, "You know what else, every piss begins with pee." That really pissed HER off.

One thing I learned. Men are simple and obvious. Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas.

Well, what's in the news?

Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska. I hope the next time we see her is on a float as the oldest Queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival. She's already been declared persona au gratin. Don't boo.

President Obama, Professor Gates, and the cop who arrested him are having a beer at the White House tomorrow night. THAT won't be awkward. But after a coupla beers, they'll all be best buddies. It'll be like, "Let's see who can piss from the balconey to the Rose Garden."

Well, we lost ANOTHER celebrity last week. The Taco Bell Chihuahua. Do you remember those "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" ads from 1997 til the year 2000, the last 3 years Clinton was in office? I always thought that dog was really cute. Cuter than the other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [p] That bitch was ugly.

H1N1 is spreading. The World Health Organization has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch it. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was date WHITE hose. Good night.

Roosters - July 29, 2009

First time at a new club for me tonight, Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I'd seen at least 4 of the 15 comics before at Tommy's or Bunjo's: David Studebaker hosted (& was VERY funny) -- I remember him being at T's once. Dr. Brian, who manages/hosts the Wharf Room (in Castagnola's restaurant in the City). Veronica Porras and Sean Sinha. Some acts went over time -- which they signal with the red light VIGOROUSLY, but only one finally got the "get off the stage" music. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I feel good about some aspects of it and not-so-good about others.

I went up 9th of 15 comics and was distracted by what some of the other folks had said before me (surprise!). The good news is I can play more effectively to the crowd by talking about something they heard from another comic. The bad news is the distraction of thinking about the other folks wrecks my concentration on what I was going to say -- I end up hurting the set I had prepared before I got on stage.

Of the dozen bits I had prepared, I ended up leaving out 5 of them. This gets to be another one of those dual-set postings later -- the set I delivered and the set I had PLANNED to deliver.

The "learning" from this is that I would have done better to bring notes with me, as several of the other comics had done, saying (truthfully) I was working on new material, and stuck to what I had written. I've done this before and felt "weak", but I should place more trust in my writing (at least for now) and worry less about appearance.

A second thing I learned is something I *thought* I had learned before, to have less material and deliver it more slowly and with better timing. When I sit at the computer and read it aloud, even putting in pauses where I anticipate laughter, it goes *much* faster than on stage. If I'm clever enough to write 4 new gags and add them to another 8 I've used before to make a dozen in total, *maybe* I should just do the 8 old ones WELL. Or maybe I should re-work the set to only have a *mix* of 8 or 10, but not all 12.

The good news is that overall I think I had good rapport with the audience and adjusted well to them. The jokes I wanted to work *did*. I improved the way I told some of them in the middle of telling them -- which is the *upside* of having A.D.D.

I'm a harsh critic, but I can tell (almost always) I'm improving each time I get on stage. I would dearly love to get into a situation similar to what the SFCC people have -- longer sets and more of them every week.

Bunjo's - July 25, 2009 - The actual set

[This set actually ran about 6:30. I still need to listen to the audio again to make minor changes (and to indicate where I got laughs and applause), but it's pretty close.]

Where are my people with attention deficit disorder? [a] Where are you? (squirrel!)
I got ADD, so I wrote this really tight set and after hearing the comedians before me all I wanna do is riff on what *they* did.

Rick's been married 25 years [previous comic, Rick Romero]. I been married *28* years August 1s. My wife was very smart. She said we're gonna get married 8-1-8-1. Which, you know, if I forget that & I'm in really deep shit.

I always buy her roses on our anniversary, but this year I'm unemployed. We live in California, so this year I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs. [l]

As you can tell, just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] Winning the battle with anorexia. [l]

I was driving over here tonight and I was thinking, "You know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight?" From the parking lot [turn & point], I can see Australia. [L][a] The Outback Steakhouse [restaurant across the parking lot]. [l]

Yes, 28th anniversary. We're still very compatible. Actually, we're both unemployed and depressed. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 25th is the silver anniversary; The 28th is Zoloft. Bring your prescription pad.

She still likes it when I say her name in bed, after 28 years, now I have to write it on my hand every night.

One thing I learned. Men are simple. Women are mysterious. I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas. [building L] That's a dirty word, kids.

I went to Kay Jewelers, hoping to find something really inexpensive, but there was nothing I liked. I was staring at the display case when the salesperson came over. A little aggressive, I think, in this economy. "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." And I said, "You know? Every piss begins with pee." [L] That really pissed HER off. [L][L] Lemme tell you.

[note: I cut the following paragraph down to 35 seconds] Did you hear this? A friend of President Obama, a very prominent black Harvard Professor was arrested at his Cambridge, Massachusetts home after a 911 call reported "a black man breaking into a house." He got into a verbal confrontation with the cop and was taken in for disorderly conduct. At a news conference, Obama called the police action "Stupid." Stepped on his dick. So now there's a firestorm of unrest with every black person who ever felt racially profiled and every cop who feels slandered up on arms. Oops.

Now the internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a transcript of a similar 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D.C. We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation.
"Washington Metro Police. What is your emergency? ... You see a black man breaking into a house? What's the address? ... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr. Limbaugh." [L][a]

I got an audience participation thing. For this next story, when I gesture, I want you to say WHO, ok? Let's try it [gesture]. Great. H1N1 is back is making a comeback. The World Health Organization [gesture] Very good. The World Health Organization [gesture] (never gets old) [L] has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. And I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu. [L][L]

As Jim [Jim Kruder, who was up earlier] mentioned, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. You remember those ads that ran for 3 years, from 1997 til the year 2000 during the Clinton administration? You remember, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" I always thought that dog was really cute. A lot cuter than that other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [L][L] Yeah, that bitch was ugly. [L]

I'm gonna close with this. 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a length of yarn, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is, name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was ... was date WHITE hose. [L][L]

Good night. [a]

First time at Rooster T. Feathers

Please come watch my maiden voyage at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA, on Wednesday, July 29,2009.

Tommy T's - July 20, 2009 - Kay Jewelers

This wasn't my best set, but didn't seem as bad while reviewing the video as it did when performing it.

Only one element was worth posting.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - The actual set + Videos

As I mentioned earlier, the evening was partially a roast of John, the owner, so there's a section of that material near the beginning. He had opened the show talking about Sarah Palin & Match dot com, then wondering why his girlfriend Julie puts up with him. (Hence some of the jokes)

John (host): We're gonna bring up our next comic, a new good friend of mine. Give it up for Rich Orwell.

Me: Hi, everybody ["Hi", "Hello"]. Anybody here have ADD or kids with ADD [one audience member points out another]? You? Your friend pointed you out. *I* have ADD, so I wrote my whole set while John was talking. [l]

First of all, Sarah Palin. You know Sarah Palin? You know what she would say if she were here tonight? "From the parking lot [turn & point] I can see Australia" [there's an Outback Steakhouse across the parking lot from the restaurant/club where we were]. [L][L] Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. [L]

And she's quitting as governor of Australia [Oops! -- total flub -- I *meant* to say Alaska. Audience shouted out "Alaska". I tried to recover, saying... ] What can I say? Yeah, Alaska is like Australia, but without the snaykes and spidahs [<= Aussie accent].



But, anyway, she's quitting as governor of Alaska, and in a year she's gonna be the queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival, because she doesn't have much of a future in politics [should have reversed those 2 clauses], and she's already been declared "persona au gratin." [L][L] Thank you for being literate, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to sing something for you, but I won't. [l] Dim sum enchanted evening. [L] Everybody remember South Pacific? We're in this lovely Dim Sum restaurant.

John mentioned match dot com. *I* tried match dot com [p] and they rejected me ["Aww"]. Yeah, I told them I like to play with matches. [p][L][some groans] You'd think they'd be more tolerant. [l]

And, uhh, John talked about Julie and wondered how she puts up with him. I don't think she has to put up with him very *far* [gesture w/ thumb & index finger for "small"]. [L] Dick jokes, you have to love 'em, don't you? [L][L}

And John's a golfer. Did you hear Tiger Woods didn't make the cut today in the British Open? Any golfers here [needed longer pause here & audience interaction]? ["Yeah"] He missed it by one stroke. He went on TV and said, "I made some mistakes. I screwed up." And I think Julie says until John loses 50 pounds he's gonna ONLY screw up. [some building laughs, but more groans]



OK. We're gonna only go with clean jokes, very clean jokes. Let's talk about dinosaurs. [L] Jurassic Park humor.

So here I am, a teacher in dinosaur elementary school. [should have made this some *other* person] And there's a little dinosaur there and I say, [talking to child voice] "You know, you have the biggest vocabulary. What kind of dinosaur ARE you?" And the little dinosaur says, "I'm a thesaurus." [groans, some L]. That is the *cutest* joke. I swear to God. My wife laughs at that EVERY time. [continuing l] She has Alzheimer's. It's new to her every time. [L]

H1N1 is now a world wide pandemic and they're not treating it [oops], not counting individual cases, only clusters around the world. One million cases in the US, ladies and gentlemen. And Rush Limbaugh got very scared and he left. Do you all know Rush? [boos] You like him? That's horrible. [building l] And he left the country, he left the country, and he's broadcasting from an unknown location. I kinda wonder where the swine flew. [some groans, but mostly L and some applause]

We're nearly at the end of this. We're gonna try to make it short.

You women are gonna love this. They're opening up a new chain of collagen injection spas and studios [said it badly]. It's called "Angelina Jo-lip." [some groans, but mostly big L] She's got those natural lips.

I'm gonna close with this because we've got a lot of comics and I respect your time. If Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia to Paris on vacation, and they were in the hotel the first night, and Petunia came out of the bathroom and asked, "Porky, what's that extra appliance in here?" He'd say, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet, a bidet. That's all folks!" Thanks very much.

John: Give it up for Rich Orwell. You're never too old to live your dream.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - That was very much fun

I went up 4th (I think) tonight. There were lotsa comics, and the owner, John whose birthday it was, had just gotten done telling the crowd we'd work on getting them out of there soon. So, despite his having told me I'd get 5 minutes, I cut it down to about 4:30 [pats self on back]. I *could* have slowed it down, not stepped on the laughs I got & let some of those laughs build, but I did OK for a rushed set.

I ended up only using a handful of the bits you'll see in the "What's on the Menu" post below. I added 3 in the front of the set, riffing with material I had written before on what John said in his intro. They actually worked better than some of the scripted material.

I got good responses to about 8 of the gags and can polish each of those. I can also rework a few that didn't work quite as well.

This was my first (relatively) large crowd. Maybe 30 or 40 people. A little older; a little wiser than the few tween customers and massive # of comics every week at Tommy's. I told a few things that required political awareness or a command of the English language -- and they GOT 'em. [Yay!]

I also got to meet and watch real, live professional comedians. "Chicago Steve" Barkley (http://www.chicagosteve.com/) was the headliner. You need to go to his site to appreciate the depth of experience and talent he brought to the show.

I also knew of and admire Larry "Bubbles" Brown (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Bubbles_Brown), who opened the show. Both of these guys have been major successes since the 1980s and were, of course, ridiculously funny.

John taped the entire night. Maybe I can get him to make me a copy.

A few of the audience members shook my hand/congratulated me on the set and all the comics were gracious enough to say they liked it. John's mother LOVED the joke about Rush Limbaugh and told me I have a future in comedy. She rejected my protestations that she was being nice to say so, saying instead that she watches a lot of comics and I "have something."

On the one hand, I knew I could have done better. On the other hand, I have to be happy with it going as well as it did. Ten years from now (if I'm alive & working as a comedian), I'll look back at tonight & cringe. But for now I'll edit the set down and post some of it later.

Officially Smart

I'll expand this later, but yesterday I received my Mensa Membership package.

I could have joined back when I took IQ tests & the SATs 45 years ago, but never thought about it until recently.

I was wondering how my friend Gail is doing back in Chattanooga, but don't have an email address for her. One of my funniest "Oops!" moments happened when I ran into her at UC Berkeley around 1990. We had both decided to be "re-entry" students, i.e. go back & finish BA degrees after dropping out in the 1960s. Big-time coincidence.

Anyway, we went out to lunch and I was walking her back to her car when I spotted a car with a "Mensa" bumper sticker. I pointed it out and said, "What kind of idiot would put that on their car?" Yep, you guessed it. It was HER car.

It's kinda like those annoying "Proud parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers I see everywhere nowadays. I mean, *I* could have been an honor student in High School, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.

Anyway, I joined pretty-much to look her up in the members directory (accessible only to other members), but she let her membership lapse. [sigh] Now I guess I'll just have to go hug other smart people at conventions, or flash my membership card to get other folks to punch me in the face, or something,

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - What's on the menu

Tonight is a combination at Bunjo's: a short comedy set AND a roast of John, the owner, for his birthday. I'll post the actual set and/or video later. I just realized his astrological sign is Cancer, so I *might* decide to tell my "Little Crab" story.

Instead, though, I'll probably pick from the following (some of which aren't spelled out in detail below, but nearly all of which appeared earlier in this blog):

John
John really takes "human error" to a whole new level. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, but John screws up ALL the time. And Julie says until he loses 50 pounds ALL he's gonna do is screw up.

If you've ever been to SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida, San Diego, California or San Antonio, Texas, you might have seen Shamu the Killer Whale. Now this may be too terrible to imagine, but John naked, washing his hair in the shower is like Shampoo the Killer Whale. He's like that killer whale movie Free Willy. John's willy MAY be free but he can only see it in the mirror. Sorry, yanks. "Willy" is a British term. Yanks, Willy. Yanks, Willy. That's what John does when he's alone. I'm surprised she puts up with him. Of course, endowed as he is, she doesn't have to put up with him very far.

Stage, Screen & TV
Shakespeare's King Henry the IVth of England as Johhny Weissmuller. "I've been offerred another Tarzan movie. One more into the breechcloth, dear friends, once more."

Cartoon legend Yogi Bear and company are now appearing at the Ashland Oregon Shakespeare festival, with Yogi Bear playing the title role in Julius Caesar. His last line, etc.

Cartoon Icon Bullwinkle the Moose in Lerner and Loewe's My Fair Lady. We join him Singing "On the street where you live."

Retired TV legend Howdy Doody now works for Kraft Foods, operating a giant Parmesan grating machine. Howdy grating.

History, Ancient & Modern
French philosopher Rene Descartes as a tuber. "I, sweet potato.

French philosopher Rene Descartes as a tropical fruit, holding a can of garbanzo beans. Some people know, etc.

Prehistoric 5th grade teacher to dinosaur student, "My what a big vocabulary you have. What kind of dinosaur are you?" A thesaurus.

5th grade teacher. Class, Do you know the alphabet song, ABCDEFGee? Do you know what uric acid is? LMNOP

Latest news!
3 weeks after the recall of refrigerated cookie dough, John Dunne as the US Food and Drug Administration, writing to the Nestle company. etc.

H1Ni swine flu is back in the news. 1Million US cases. The WHO has declared a pandemic and is no longer tracking individual cases, only clusters of them worldwide. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder where the swine flu.

Gender news
The reason Men are simple and Women are mysterious has been found. It has to do with our genitalia. A man has an exposed penis, but a woman has a hidden agenda.

a new chain of collagen injection studios has been announced. It will be called Angelina Jolip.

Closing
Porky Pig explaining to Petunia the extra appliance in a Paris bathroom.

AHA! The (red) bulb lights up

Color me chagrined, that is, red-faced. For the last 2 weeks at Tommy T's we were all doing 4-minute sets. I went back & looked at the videos I made. Last week, I ran SEVEN minutes. This week, I ran SIX. Yikes. Not only do I exclude myself from the "Best of the Night" competition, but I'm disrespecting the other comics. Bad dog.

It must be that Val gives me the 1-minute-warning light at 3 minutes, as she does everybody else, and I just ignore it. With a lot of folks, she'll say something from the back or shut off a comic's mic if they run as long as I've been.

Hard to believe I have so little time discipline. I need to fix it.

Tommy T's - July 13, 2009 - the actual set

Another old, fat, white guy. Are you disappointed? I'm pretty f---ing disappointed.

Lemme act this out for you. Like charades, but we're only going to do one part. Tell me what this is. [revolve in place 2 times, holding props] It's prop circles. [L]

We even got Bruno to laugh [a blond guy up front who hadn't really laughed all night and vaguely resembled the movie character Bruno]. I know you haven't really been laughing, but I saw your movie and thought it was outrageous.

I want you to give it up for my wife. We've been married, August 1st, 28 years. [a]. Honey, can you feel the love from your box under the bed? [DIED!] OK. So she's not going to be here tonight. We have plywood and manacles. The secret to a long marriage. [dead]

Actually, that was my FIRST wife. I used to call her Little Shawshank. And I was really surprised that night when she popped up through the mattress kinda like the Alien out of John Hurt's chest. Do you remember Alien, anybody? Uma Thurman when she was buried by Bill's brother in Kill Bill? OK, that was her escape. [dead dead dead]

My wife and I are still very compatible, because we're both suicidally depressed. [l] So that makes us real compatible. If you wanna get us a gift for our anniversary, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [l] What we're really looking for is those $5 co-pays. You know what I mean? Because we're buying a lot of anti-depressants. YOU people are depressed, I can tell. [comatose customers][l] I tell you.

Bruno is laughing. My God. This is a first.

Let's talk politics. Just 'cause it's in the news and I brought all the props. What the hell?

Let's talk about Mark Sanford. Is everybody aware of this guy? He's the Governor of South Carolina, a Republican. He's got a wife & 4 sons and he went to Argentina to see his mistress. Didn't tell anybody. My kinda guy. He's who I wanna be when I grow up. 'Cause I am so white. I'm like a piece of moldy wonder bread compared to some of these people. [I meant the other comics, but it didn't come across] Let's hear it for moldy wonder bread, can we? [a] Thank you very much. And I got that green shit all over me. But you know this guy Mark Sanford, he went to Florida with his wife and 4 kids over the 4th of July weekend and Joe Biden went to Iraq to see the soldiers, so who do you think was safer? I'm thinking Joe Biden. Because this guy's wife is really pissed.

So, anyway she's already signed a book deal. And lemme show you, because I carried the damned props all the way up here. She didn't write it yet, but she picked out the title and cover art. Here's the inspiration for the book. She's got 4 kids. [Where's Waldo] Have you played that? I don't think she likes him very much. Here's her kids' book. [show cover] Here's her book. You're supposed to find Waldo. I just had cataract surgery, so now I can find Waldo [l]. Jenny Sanford, she came up with this book title. It's a little different. [show cover] It's called Where's Dildo. Because Mark Sanford is a big latex dick. And the woman he's been dating in Argentina [show cartoon]. Does anybody recognize her? Any parents out there? It's Carmen Sandiego, ladies and gentlemen. What a babe. It's OK if only the parents get that one.

Sarah Palin. Can we talk about Sarah Palin. Does anybody give a s--t about Sarah Palin. Nobody knows what Sarah Palin's planning to do after she resigns as Governor of Alaska. It could be she'll run for the senate in 2010, or president in 2012, or my theory, she's already pregnant with another down syndrome baby. She already picked out the name, "Stump."

I hoped I could find my wife something inexpensive at Kay Jewelers in the mall, but no way. The salesperson was a little aggressive, coming up saying, "Every kiss begins with Kay." I said, "You know what else? Every piss begins with pee." Pissed HER off.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. [show vacuum hose] I call her Hoover. She likes to suck ALL the time. What a difference. When I was younger, I only used to have sex with WHITE hose.

Tommy T's - July 13, 2009 - Comments

Well, here's a rarity. I was actually EXPECTING to be selected at the end of another marathon (i.e. 30-comic) open mic at Tommy T's in the "Top 5" -- the ones from whom the audience chooses the one to win the $100 for the night. NOT to win it, but in the 5 best. Disappointing. I made a video of the set & will play it later to see if I misperceived how well it went. [sigh]

Bunjo's - July 10, 2009 - Too Literary?

This was in the middle of my set ...

Bunjo's -- July 10, 2009 -- The set I planned

[I ended up leaving out HUGE chunks of this. I had difficulty with the graphics props]

Yes, it's an old, fat guy up here. I'm disappointed, too.

Look, Prop circles!

I wasn't any good at this "Where's Waldo?" game (you know how this works?) until Tuesday. I had this amazing Cataract surgery and NOW I can find Waldo.

It's no news this economy sucks. My wife & I are looking for jobs. Our 28th anniversary is 3 weeks from tomorrow & I can't afford to buy her a present. We're both getting treated for depression. If you wanna get us a gift, everything we need has a $5 co-pay at Rite-Aid.

When we were first married, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw. You folks with straws know what to do with them, right? My wife knows, too, but she won't do it.

I got a little nasty window shopping at Kay Jewelers this week. When the salesman said, "Every kiss begins with k?" I said, "You know what else? Every piss begins with pee." Hauled away shouting.

Nobody knows what Sarah Palin's planning to do after she resigns as Governor of Alaska. It could be she'll run for the senate in 2010, or president in 2012, or my personal favorite, have another downs syndrome baby, tentatively named "Stump."

Did you know all John McCain really wanted was to try parasalin?

The only job she'll be able to get in 2012 is queen of the annual wisconsin cheese festival. By then everyone else will have declared her persona au gratin. latin puns never work.

But I'll keep trying. Now that Fiat took over Chrysler they'll be changing the name to Caveat. Damn.

3 weeks since the recall of cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Dunne would say, "Nestle, Ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles for thee." No English majors?

Only one more. Ashland Oregon has their annual Shakespeare festival all summer. Anybody ever gone? Me neither. Retired cartoon legend Yogi Bear and company are guest performing, with Yogi playing the title role in Julius Caesar. His last line is "Et tu, Boo Boo?"

So much for the literary shit.

Mark Sanford of South Carolina STILL hasn't resigned. He spent 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much any more. She hasn't written it yet, but she HAS chosen a title and cover art.

Here's a rare picture of the woman he was dating.... carmen sandiego.

So Who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida? I'm guessing Joe Biden.

Yes, 4th of July was last Saturday. Where are my dogs owners? Were your dogs upset by the fireworks? Mine were ... so we had to sedate them. It worked out real well ... we had Michael Jackson's veterinarian. Too soon? Sorry.

My wife won't play with my straw. so I've got a new sex partner. (show vacuum hose) Different from what I remember. I only used to have sex with WHITE hose.

Visit my web site rhetorich dot com. That's rhetoric with an h at the end dot com.

Thank you and good night.

Bunjo's -- July 10, 2009 -- Oh well

One of those CWAZY nights. Our dog Starbuck was bleeding from the mouth or chin or somewhere, so M had to take him to the vet for a 7pm appt. I was ready to leave in my car for the club around 7:20, but the battery was totally dead. Surprise! So I called M to be sure she was coming home soon, then called Bunjo's & left a voice message, then sent an email, then called the restaurant that contains the club & got through to John, who was OK w/ my coming in late. I arrived around 8:20, or so, just as Drew Pult was coming off the stage -- a shame I missed his set. I watched & waited through the rest of the comics & came up last. There were only maybe 10 non-comedian customers, making it a difficult room from which to get laughs. Pretty-much all the performers before me commented on this. The laughs didn't come easy. I was frazzled getting up there, what with the sick dog, the dead battery & the eye patch from Tuesday's cataract surgery. The good news, though, was that M had very sweetly let me buy a second aloha shirt to wear tonight, so I knew I was looking stylish. I'll post the actual set here later -- maybe a chunk or 2 of video, too, but I'll post the set I had PLANNED to do first.

Tommy T's - July 6, 2009 - The Set

[This is an edited version of the set I delivered. It reads a little bit better than what I actually said.

You'll see this Monday-night set is very much like the Bunjo's set from Friday. The Bunjo's version below contains smaller versions of the poster-sized graphics I used at Tommy T's. (I used 8.5"x11" versions at Bunjo's, a much smaller venue)

The closing bit is in the video I posted below.]

Have some pity. I'm old. Give it up. [a]

I AM Rich Orwell, another struggling, young, attractive comedian [l] -- I've just been getting over my anorexia issues. [l] You people up front can see what I mean.

Everybody's been talking about doing weed and memory loss. I was an ACTUAL hippie in the summer of love, 1967 in San Francisco. [cheers] Yeah, give it up for the hippies. You might have seen me in a photo in your history books [L]. I was the guy with the shoulder length hair, the red eyeballs and the shit-eating grin. Of course, that's everybody in the history books.

I've got some props. Pretty lame. Actually, I AM lame. Everybody knows this about me I had some foot surgery, that's why I take a while to get up here. Been taking Vicodin and Morphine [cheers] And they'll be available in the parking lot[L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. So be sure to visit over there.

I've been playing this game "Where's Waldo?" [show poster of book cover] I don't know if you can see it. But I'm not very good. You know about this game? You parents out there? You know, you're supposed to find Waldo. But I've got cataract surgery tomorrow (and that is no joke). And so that's pretty-much why I can never find Waldo.

Who's under 30? Where are my under 30 people.[a] I've been under 30 TWICE. I'll be 60 in December. The first time was way better, and you young people know this, the man will wake up every morning with a big, throbbing erection. And I wake up every morning with a flex-straw. The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it.

Sarah Palin's in the news, right? Everybody hear she announced she's resigning as Governor of Alaska.[claps] And people are speculating why she's doing that. It could be she plans to run for the senate in 2010 or run for president in 2012. I have my own theory. She's just going to raise another downs syndrome baby [gasps], and they've already picked out a name. They're going to call it "Stump."[l][groans]

Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America.

Everybody knows by now about Mark Sanford, right? The guy who went to Argentina to visit his mistress. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much. She hasn't written it yet, but she HAS chosen a title and cover art. [show "Where's Dildo" cover (see it in a post below)] [L]

Who do you think was safer over the weekend: Joe Biden, in Iraq for the 4th of July, or Mark Sanford, with his family in Florida? [p] Joe Biden.

Have you seen the babe he was seeing? .... Carmen Sandiego. [show Carmen Sandiego illustration (in a post below)] [L] Yeah, SHE's hot.

Let's see ... 4th of July humor. My dogs were upset by the fireworks ... so we had to sedate them. It worked out real well ... we had Michael Jackson's veterinarian. [L][outraged exclamations] Huh? Michael Jackson humor. I'm sorry.

Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf. After we broke up, she became a whore. I take credit for that, 'cause it was like I coached her as an amateur and now she's a professional. I wanna bumper sticker that says, "Proud trainer of a prostitute." I'm sick of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" things.

Lemme close with this/// let's get some applause for closing at all, ok. [a]

I had a "Eureka" moment the other day. Lemme explain for those of you not from Eureka. It's like an "Aha" moment. A moment of discovery. Here's what *I* discovered. A old man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... when she won't play with my straw. Well, actually it might not have been a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I might have been a Hoover moment.

And this is all wrong, I actually used to have sex with WHITE ho's. [killed]

You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.