Wharf Room Comedy - September 1, 2009 - The Set I Planned

I had this well-written, nicely rehearsed 5 minute set ready. And then learned I would have *6* minutes, so added material I'd used before but *not* rehearsed for this show. I ended up changing it a bit, but did it mostly the way I had planned. I *may* get a video of the whole set and post more than what I did already below. Here is what I wrote.

How many of you are thinking, "That is the BEST super-hero disguise ever"? He must have *amazing* super-powers.

I AM Rich Orwell. The youngest, most attractive performer you will see tonight. I keep having surgeries on this foot. Four surgeries. 3 Doctors. I'm putting their kids through college. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

By applause, do you think it's OK to start doing stand-up at age 59? That's good. I thought for a second there I'd have to limp off the stage.

In all that time, there's one thing I learned. The real difference between men and women. Men are simple and obvious. Ladies, would you agree? Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. If "agenda" doesn't sound like a sex organ, you need to get your head in the gutter.

Do you remember that Kevin Costner movie where the Indians named him "Dances With Wolves"? My name is Richard, but my wife likes to call me, "Walks with a limp ... dick."

[Inserted Dick-Doc bit here. See it in the video below]

I'm bipolar. Inherited it from my dad. They used to call it manic-depressive. Big mood swings. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you just wanna f-ckin' kill yourself.

Seriously, I was an *actual* hippie in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, 17 years old during the Summer of Love, 1967. I'll be available after the show if you wanna have your picture taken with me. All that's different is: no shoulder-length hair, 100 pounds heavier and I don't smoke half my body weight in marijuana any more.

It's really good to be here in San Francisco again. My wife and I are natives, but we moved across the bay 20 years ago. We lived 8 blocks from here on Russian Hill. Have you visitors from out of town driven down Lombard Street? "The Crookedest Street in the World"? We lived a block away. It sounds close, but if you wanna walk there after the show, remember those are blocks "as the crow flies", but steep enough that even the crows take a cable car.

Here's a safety tip from a native. In the unlikely event of an earthquake, remember, don't overreact. Run to the nearest window, point outside, and yell "Godzilla!" That totally relieves the tension in the room, unless people around you believe it. Like Japanese tourists.

My wife is in the audience tonight. We've been married 28 years. She married me for my sense of humor, but stayed married for the Pope. Apparently, Catholics take that "no divorce" shit *seriously*.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist woman who married a skinny, little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me, "In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm." Tell me. Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? So I looked at her and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

In closing, not only is my wife here, but I brought my girlfriend, too. After 28 years of marriage there are some things my wife doesn't like to do for me anymore. I think you can guess one of them when you meet my girlfriend. Her name is Hoover. Hi, honey. What do *you* like to do? I know how to turn her on. It's like a switch. She is *so* different from the women I went out with before. I only used to date white hose. You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.