Tommy T's - July 6, 2009 - The Set

[This is an edited version of the set I delivered. It reads a little bit better than what I actually said.

You'll see this Monday-night set is very much like the Bunjo's set from Friday. The Bunjo's version below contains smaller versions of the poster-sized graphics I used at Tommy T's. (I used 8.5"x11" versions at Bunjo's, a much smaller venue)

The closing bit is in the video I posted below.]

Have some pity. I'm old. Give it up. [a]

I AM Rich Orwell, another struggling, young, attractive comedian [l] -- I've just been getting over my anorexia issues. [l] You people up front can see what I mean.

Everybody's been talking about doing weed and memory loss. I was an ACTUAL hippie in the summer of love, 1967 in San Francisco. [cheers] Yeah, give it up for the hippies. You might have seen me in a photo in your history books [L]. I was the guy with the shoulder length hair, the red eyeballs and the shit-eating grin. Of course, that's everybody in the history books.

I've got some props. Pretty lame. Actually, I AM lame. Everybody knows this about me I had some foot surgery, that's why I take a while to get up here. Been taking Vicodin and Morphine [cheers] And they'll be available in the parking lot[L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. So be sure to visit over there.

I've been playing this game "Where's Waldo?" [show poster of book cover] I don't know if you can see it. But I'm not very good. You know about this game? You parents out there? You know, you're supposed to find Waldo. But I've got cataract surgery tomorrow (and that is no joke). And so that's pretty-much why I can never find Waldo.

Who's under 30? Where are my under 30 people.[a] I've been under 30 TWICE. I'll be 60 in December. The first time was way better, and you young people know this, the man will wake up every morning with a big, throbbing erection. And I wake up every morning with a flex-straw. The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it.

Sarah Palin's in the news, right? Everybody hear she announced she's resigning as Governor of Alaska.[claps] And people are speculating why she's doing that. It could be she plans to run for the senate in 2010 or run for president in 2012. I have my own theory. She's just going to raise another downs syndrome baby [gasps], and they've already picked out a name. They're going to call it "Stump."[l][groans]

Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America.

Everybody knows by now about Mark Sanford, right? The guy who went to Argentina to visit his mistress. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much. She hasn't written it yet, but she HAS chosen a title and cover art. [show "Where's Dildo" cover (see it in a post below)] [L]

Who do you think was safer over the weekend: Joe Biden, in Iraq for the 4th of July, or Mark Sanford, with his family in Florida? [p] Joe Biden.

Have you seen the babe he was seeing? .... Carmen Sandiego. [show Carmen Sandiego illustration (in a post below)] [L] Yeah, SHE's hot.

Let's see ... 4th of July humor. My dogs were upset by the fireworks ... so we had to sedate them. It worked out real well ... we had Michael Jackson's veterinarian. [L][outraged exclamations] Huh? Michael Jackson humor. I'm sorry.

Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf. After we broke up, she became a whore. I take credit for that, 'cause it was like I coached her as an amateur and now she's a professional. I wanna bumper sticker that says, "Proud trainer of a prostitute." I'm sick of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" things.

Lemme close with this/// let's get some applause for closing at all, ok. [a]

I had a "Eureka" moment the other day. Lemme explain for those of you not from Eureka. It's like an "Aha" moment. A moment of discovery. Here's what *I* discovered. A old man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... when she won't play with my straw. Well, actually it might not have been a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I might have been a Hoover moment.

And this is all wrong, I actually used to have sex with WHITE ho's. [killed]

You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.