Tommy T's - July 13, 2009 - the actual set

Another old, fat, white guy. Are you disappointed? I'm pretty f---ing disappointed.

Lemme act this out for you. Like charades, but we're only going to do one part. Tell me what this is. [revolve in place 2 times, holding props] It's prop circles. [L]

We even got Bruno to laugh [a blond guy up front who hadn't really laughed all night and vaguely resembled the movie character Bruno]. I know you haven't really been laughing, but I saw your movie and thought it was outrageous.

I want you to give it up for my wife. We've been married, August 1st, 28 years. [a]. Honey, can you feel the love from your box under the bed? [DIED!] OK. So she's not going to be here tonight. We have plywood and manacles. The secret to a long marriage. [dead]

Actually, that was my FIRST wife. I used to call her Little Shawshank. And I was really surprised that night when she popped up through the mattress kinda like the Alien out of John Hurt's chest. Do you remember Alien, anybody? Uma Thurman when she was buried by Bill's brother in Kill Bill? OK, that was her escape. [dead dead dead]

My wife and I are still very compatible, because we're both suicidally depressed. [l] So that makes us real compatible. If you wanna get us a gift for our anniversary, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [l] What we're really looking for is those $5 co-pays. You know what I mean? Because we're buying a lot of anti-depressants. YOU people are depressed, I can tell. [comatose customers][l] I tell you.

Bruno is laughing. My God. This is a first.

Let's talk politics. Just 'cause it's in the news and I brought all the props. What the hell?

Let's talk about Mark Sanford. Is everybody aware of this guy? He's the Governor of South Carolina, a Republican. He's got a wife & 4 sons and he went to Argentina to see his mistress. Didn't tell anybody. My kinda guy. He's who I wanna be when I grow up. 'Cause I am so white. I'm like a piece of moldy wonder bread compared to some of these people. [I meant the other comics, but it didn't come across] Let's hear it for moldy wonder bread, can we? [a] Thank you very much. And I got that green shit all over me. But you know this guy Mark Sanford, he went to Florida with his wife and 4 kids over the 4th of July weekend and Joe Biden went to Iraq to see the soldiers, so who do you think was safer? I'm thinking Joe Biden. Because this guy's wife is really pissed.

So, anyway she's already signed a book deal. And lemme show you, because I carried the damned props all the way up here. She didn't write it yet, but she picked out the title and cover art. Here's the inspiration for the book. She's got 4 kids. [Where's Waldo] Have you played that? I don't think she likes him very much. Here's her kids' book. [show cover] Here's her book. You're supposed to find Waldo. I just had cataract surgery, so now I can find Waldo [l]. Jenny Sanford, she came up with this book title. It's a little different. [show cover] It's called Where's Dildo. Because Mark Sanford is a big latex dick. And the woman he's been dating in Argentina [show cartoon]. Does anybody recognize her? Any parents out there? It's Carmen Sandiego, ladies and gentlemen. What a babe. It's OK if only the parents get that one.

Sarah Palin. Can we talk about Sarah Palin. Does anybody give a s--t about Sarah Palin. Nobody knows what Sarah Palin's planning to do after she resigns as Governor of Alaska. It could be she'll run for the senate in 2010, or president in 2012, or my theory, she's already pregnant with another down syndrome baby. She already picked out the name, "Stump."

I hoped I could find my wife something inexpensive at Kay Jewelers in the mall, but no way. The salesperson was a little aggressive, coming up saying, "Every kiss begins with Kay." I said, "You know what else? Every piss begins with pee." Pissed HER off.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. [show vacuum hose] I call her Hoover. She likes to suck ALL the time. What a difference. When I was younger, I only used to have sex with WHITE hose.