Bunjo's - July 25, 2009 - The actual set

[This set actually ran about 6:30. I still need to listen to the audio again to make minor changes (and to indicate where I got laughs and applause), but it's pretty close.]

Where are my people with attention deficit disorder? [a] Where are you? (squirrel!)
I got ADD, so I wrote this really tight set and after hearing the comedians before me all I wanna do is riff on what *they* did.

Rick's been married 25 years [previous comic, Rick Romero]. I been married *28* years August 1s. My wife was very smart. She said we're gonna get married 8-1-8-1. Which, you know, if I forget that & I'm in really deep shit.

I always buy her roses on our anniversary, but this year I'm unemployed. We live in California, so this year I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs. [l]

As you can tell, just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] Winning the battle with anorexia. [l]

I was driving over here tonight and I was thinking, "You know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight?" From the parking lot [turn & point], I can see Australia. [L][a] The Outback Steakhouse [restaurant across the parking lot]. [l]

Yes, 28th anniversary. We're still very compatible. Actually, we're both unemployed and depressed. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 25th is the silver anniversary; The 28th is Zoloft. Bring your prescription pad.

She still likes it when I say her name in bed, after 28 years, now I have to write it on my hand every night.

One thing I learned. Men are simple. Women are mysterious. I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas. [building L] That's a dirty word, kids.

I went to Kay Jewelers, hoping to find something really inexpensive, but there was nothing I liked. I was staring at the display case when the salesperson came over. A little aggressive, I think, in this economy. "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." And I said, "You know? Every piss begins with pee." [L] That really pissed HER off. [L][L] Lemme tell you.

[note: I cut the following paragraph down to 35 seconds] Did you hear this? A friend of President Obama, a very prominent black Harvard Professor was arrested at his Cambridge, Massachusetts home after a 911 call reported "a black man breaking into a house." He got into a verbal confrontation with the cop and was taken in for disorderly conduct. At a news conference, Obama called the police action "Stupid." Stepped on his dick. So now there's a firestorm of unrest with every black person who ever felt racially profiled and every cop who feels slandered up on arms. Oops.

Now the internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a transcript of a similar 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D.C. We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation.
"Washington Metro Police. What is your emergency? ... You see a black man breaking into a house? What's the address? ... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr. Limbaugh." [L][a]

I got an audience participation thing. For this next story, when I gesture, I want you to say WHO, ok? Let's try it [gesture]. Great. H1N1 is back is making a comeback. The World Health Organization [gesture] Very good. The World Health Organization [gesture] (never gets old) [L] has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. And I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu. [L][L]

As Jim [Jim Kruder, who was up earlier] mentioned, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. You remember those ads that ran for 3 years, from 1997 til the year 2000 during the Clinton administration? You remember, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" I always thought that dog was really cute. A lot cuter than that other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [L][L] Yeah, that bitch was ugly. [L]

I'm gonna close with this. 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a length of yarn, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is, name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was ... was date WHITE hose. [L][L]

Good night. [a]