Last night I wrote my set for tonight at Tommy T's. It's almost *all* new. Also, too long -- I can only do part of it.
The reason you're lucky is that I'm going to post it in its current draft form *here and now.* Get ready!
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I began doing stand-up this year, at the tender age of 59. Can you show me by applause if you think that's OK? That's a relief.
I am, of course, a space alien playing a virtual reality game called "Life on Earth" that I may win only by achieving fame and fortune for my character "Rich Orwell", a mentally unstable stand-up comic. I have maximized the difficulty by choosing a sick, old body that will expire soon. When it does, I lose the game. [loudly into mic] Back in the bar. Did I leave my meds there?
When you get to be my age, your children and your grandchildren are grown.
David
I talked over the weekend on the phone with my son david. He's 41 and just got divorced after a 20 year marriage. He's a little rusty at dating, so he went to those online dating services. Maybe you've seen the ads on TV for eHarmony dot com, chemistry dot com and match dot com. You've probably never used them, so lemme tell you how they work. You spend a long time taking a personality test and talking about your likes and dislikes, then their computers and psychologists decide who's compatible and see if you wanna get together. Very hi-tech.
He started with eHarmony dot com. They rejected him. I didn't know they would do that. Apparently they feel like if they take your money but you're so twisted they can't get you any dates, you'll probably make a lot of trouble for them demanding your money back. So, Thanks, but no thanks.
Then he went to chemistry dot com. They scored his test and put him in a category they call "adventurer", like Captain Morgan or Marco Polo. The problem was, upon further review, they rejected him, too. They said the only category of women compatible with him was called "victim."
Do you see a trend here? Finally he went to match dot com. And I think he finally figured out why he kept getting rejected. All along he'd been telling them his favorite hobby is "playing with matches." Even match dot com doesn't wanna hear that "play with matches" shit. But at least they asked him for clarification. He wrote back, and I wrote it down. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac. If you send me some women, I'll just tie them up and play with them. A little. I like to play with matches."
So he's still sitting at home alone, watching internet porn.
Rachel
His daughter Rachel, my sweet little granddaughter, is 19 now. She moved to Hollywood by herself last year to become a movie or TV actress. And I guess she found some success. A friend emailed me he saw her first video on the internet. So I took a look. I thought at first it was about a registered nurse (you know, a R.N.) at the post office, the P.O. It was on a site like YouTube called You p-o r-n. Have you heard of it? I didn't watch the whole thing, but I can tell you the title and a little of the plot. I don't want to offend anybody, so when I get to certain words that start with the letter "B" I'll just say "B" and you can shout out what you think the word is, OK. If you don't guess right, Then I'll give you a hint. OK? The title was "On your knees, B" -- what's the word? That's right Brenda. That was her character's name. She comes into frame wearing a catholic schoolgirls uniform and says to this guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding night. But I can B you." What's the word? That's right baloney you. "Or you can put it in my B" My Be kind to animals." Her grandma and I are so proud, this year for her birthday, I think we'll give her TWO big stuffed teddy bears.
earthquake
As a native San Franciscan and lifetime resident of the bay area, I've been through a LOT of earthquakes. So I don't overreact.
I was in the basement of the student union at UC Berkeley, playing a video game when the Loma Prieta quake hit in 1989. I had the same reaction as everybody else in the room. Pause for a moment. Go back to playing. If a multi-story building is gonna collapse on your head, so be it. I had a *quarter* invested in that game. And I was gonna beat the high score. Ya gotta have priorities.
I think the best thing you can do in an earthquake is not what they tell you: hide under a table, run out of the building or stand in a doorway. The most fun is to run to a window, point out into the sky and yell, [shout] "Godzilla!" Then look into the eyes of any tourists around you, just to see who wasn't sure if you were telling the truth.
grand for grandma
now that the cash for clunkers program has run out of money, Obama secretly wants to introduce a medical cost-cutting measure called "grand 4 grandma." A tremendous part of our medicare, insurance, and private healthcare dollars go into "end-of-life" care. Money for procedures during the last 6 months of life. If the family is willing to NOT take those extraordinary steps and euthanize grandma painlessly, not only will they save all that money, but the government will GIVE them $1,000.
TEN thousand if she allows herself to be videotaped jumping off the "Grand Canyon Skywalk." The horseshoe-shaped glass walkway that stands at 3,600 feet above the floor of the canyon. A skydiver cameraman jumps first to tape grandma's fall -- the only difference is grandma doesn't have a parachute. extra TEN thousand in government money if grandma can hit a target painted below, although she needs to adjust for tricky, swirling canyon winds and doesn't get a second chance. there is absolutely no danger of grandma being injured or maimed because death is certain, but it is entirely likely she will be puréed, liked mashed potatoes or apple sauce. If they can find what's left of her liver, it can be made into a tasty spread for crackers and labeled with her name and the words Pate de fois moi. Liver paste of me. The family can pay Anthony Hopkins to come to her wake as Hannibal Lecter and eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. f-f-f-f-f-f If willing to forego the chance at the extra money for grandma landing on target, the family can earn an extra TWENTY thousand dollars by allowing them to be filmed while pulling a slingshot in which grandma is seated back far enough to launch her even further out above the canyon floor. The official term for this shall be the Wile E. Coyote "send off."
Ask any republican. THIS is where the democrat's healthcare reform will lead. The Obama Death Slingshot.
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