Wharf Room -- Dec 08, 2009 -- the Actual Set

I'm happy to say I got more than the 7 minutes I expected, in fact I didn't get the light until 7:30. It worked out really well, because I had trimmed the set down considerably from what I wrote (Duh! THAT set was 12 minutes long) and really worked to slow it down and wait for the laughs.

Got some serious laughs from the large, friendly crowd and a couple of serious applause events, too.
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Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. And one thing Dr Brian didn't tell you, because I didn't tell him, and Friday I'll be 60. Could I get a cheap round of applause? I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year this year at age 59.

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, member of mensa. But after my freshman year was the summer of 1967, the Summer of Love in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin.

A lot has changed in the last 42 years. If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. [LOUD LAFFS] I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance. [SOME LAFFS]

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. [SOME LAFFS] And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that. [HUGE LAFFS]

In 28 years, I learned the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ... men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. It has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit. [BIG LAFFS]

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get 72 virgins. popeye would get 73, because he'd have that extra virgin olive oyl. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew [SOME LAFFS, SOME GROANS]

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine" (I fluffed this, but got good audience interaction recognizing it)

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
[this didn't go over AT ALL. I closed saying] I like to end with a big laugh. Apparently that won't happen tonight.

[GOT LAFFS FOR HOW I HANDLED THE EXIT] [NICE APPLAUSE]