Rooster T. Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - Original Set

Here's the set I wrote, with annotations I made at the club before I went up of where I wanted to change the order. The original notes, with arrows, etc., would be more instructive, but you can look at this script and the video below to see how it went.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. 15

to #A [I also walk with a limp, after 4 surgeries on my left foot. I was taking vicodin and morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my American Indian name, "Walks with a limp...Dick." I don't wanna talk about it.]

First of all, happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends.

I'm not Jewish. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I mean, we REALLY didn't like each other. When she died I wanted to dance on her grave, but she thwarted me once AGAIN. She got cremated. There's no way to dance on the top of an URN. All I could do was hop up and down like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

#A You know mary travers of peter paul & mary died last Wednesday. If you're too young to know them, Peter Paul and Mary were enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & martin luther king were assassinated and during the protests against the war in viet nam.

There were stories that their song "puff the magic dragon" was about smoking weed. Or maybe it was just a childrens' song. Or maybe it was a childrens' song about smoking weed. Bill Clinton reportedly puffed in college, but says he didn't inhale. That is, btw, excellent advice for those of you who plan to take up glass blowing.

Think about it. Molten glass -- bad for the lungs.

If I had a Hammer, there'd be single payer healthcare.

After Obama's inauguration, George Bush is reported to have been singing this on the way home to Texas. "I'm leavin on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." Were you like me, watching that? I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were dating in college and very active in the anti-war movement. Young and passionate in ways we can't imagine them being now. And, like everyone else at the time, they had a favorite Peter Paul & Mary song. You see, Hillary came back to her dorm room after a date with Bill one night and her roommate asked, "How'd your hair get all sticky?" And Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind."

Well, she didn't HAVE TO turn her head. She COULD have swallowed.

There's not even a whisper of a breeze in the Oval Office. Look at Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.

My wife's in the audience. We've been married 28 years. [a] But, like Hillary Clinton, there are certain things she doesn't like to do for me anymore. So like Bill Clinton, I got a lover who does. I'd like to introduce her.to you now. Do you like it when your lover is noisy? When I turn her on, she is REALLY loud. Her name is Hoover [p]. She likes to do it for me ALL the time. She's different from all the women I used to know. I only used to go out with WHITE hose.

I'm a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.