Roosters - July 29, 2009 - the set I planned

This is far better than the set I actually performed. [sigh]

Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. Struggling to overcome anorexia.

I'm moving a little slowly. You may have noticed the cane. I had some surgery on my left foot but I'm getting better. I was taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available in the parking lot.

I brought some news stories, but first my wife's here tonight. Saturday is our *28th* anniversary. If I forget we got married on "8-1-8-1", I'm in some serious trouble.

It's a good thing she picked a date that's easy to remember. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Mall, I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I PARK, so when I leave the mall, I hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] }}}

Yes, 28th years... the secret is compatibility. Actually, she's clinically depressed and I'm bipolar, but we make it work somehow. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. Bring your prescription pads.



I'm unemployed and broke, just like California. I always buy her roses on our anniversary. So this year, like California, I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs.

I was hoping to find something nice, but inexpensive, at Kay Jewelers. No luck. I was looking at the display case when the salesperson came over and said, "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." So I looked up and said, "You know what else, every piss begins with pee." That really pissed HER off.

One thing I learned. Men are simple and obvious. Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas.

Well, what's in the news?

Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska. I hope the next time we see her is on a float as the oldest Queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival. She's already been declared persona au gratin. Don't boo.

President Obama, Professor Gates, and the cop who arrested him are having a beer at the White House tomorrow night. THAT won't be awkward. But after a coupla beers, they'll all be best buddies. It'll be like, "Let's see who can piss from the balconey to the Rose Garden."

Well, we lost ANOTHER celebrity last week. The Taco Bell Chihuahua. Do you remember those "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" ads from 1997 til the year 2000, the last 3 years Clinton was in office? I always thought that dog was really cute. Cuter than the other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [p] That bitch was ugly.

H1N1 is spreading. The World Health Organization has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch it. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was date WHITE hose. Good night.

Roosters - July 29, 2009

First time at a new club for me tonight, Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I'd seen at least 4 of the 15 comics before at Tommy's or Bunjo's: David Studebaker hosted (& was VERY funny) -- I remember him being at T's once. Dr. Brian, who manages/hosts the Wharf Room (in Castagnola's restaurant in the City). Veronica Porras and Sean Sinha. Some acts went over time -- which they signal with the red light VIGOROUSLY, but only one finally got the "get off the stage" music. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I feel good about some aspects of it and not-so-good about others.

I went up 9th of 15 comics and was distracted by what some of the other folks had said before me (surprise!). The good news is I can play more effectively to the crowd by talking about something they heard from another comic. The bad news is the distraction of thinking about the other folks wrecks my concentration on what I was going to say -- I end up hurting the set I had prepared before I got on stage.

Of the dozen bits I had prepared, I ended up leaving out 5 of them. This gets to be another one of those dual-set postings later -- the set I delivered and the set I had PLANNED to deliver.

The "learning" from this is that I would have done better to bring notes with me, as several of the other comics had done, saying (truthfully) I was working on new material, and stuck to what I had written. I've done this before and felt "weak", but I should place more trust in my writing (at least for now) and worry less about appearance.

A second thing I learned is something I *thought* I had learned before, to have less material and deliver it more slowly and with better timing. When I sit at the computer and read it aloud, even putting in pauses where I anticipate laughter, it goes *much* faster than on stage. If I'm clever enough to write 4 new gags and add them to another 8 I've used before to make a dozen in total, *maybe* I should just do the 8 old ones WELL. Or maybe I should re-work the set to only have a *mix* of 8 or 10, but not all 12.

The good news is that overall I think I had good rapport with the audience and adjusted well to them. The jokes I wanted to work *did*. I improved the way I told some of them in the middle of telling them -- which is the *upside* of having A.D.D.

I'm a harsh critic, but I can tell (almost always) I'm improving each time I get on stage. I would dearly love to get into a situation similar to what the SFCC people have -- longer sets and more of them every week.

Bunjo's - July 25, 2009 - The actual set

[This set actually ran about 6:30. I still need to listen to the audio again to make minor changes (and to indicate where I got laughs and applause), but it's pretty close.]

Where are my people with attention deficit disorder? [a] Where are you? (squirrel!)
I got ADD, so I wrote this really tight set and after hearing the comedians before me all I wanna do is riff on what *they* did.

Rick's been married 25 years [previous comic, Rick Romero]. I been married *28* years August 1s. My wife was very smart. She said we're gonna get married 8-1-8-1. Which, you know, if I forget that & I'm in really deep shit.

I always buy her roses on our anniversary, but this year I'm unemployed. We live in California, so this year I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs. [l]

As you can tell, just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] Winning the battle with anorexia. [l]

I was driving over here tonight and I was thinking, "You know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight?" From the parking lot [turn & point], I can see Australia. [L][a] The Outback Steakhouse [restaurant across the parking lot]. [l]

Yes, 28th anniversary. We're still very compatible. Actually, we're both unemployed and depressed. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 25th is the silver anniversary; The 28th is Zoloft. Bring your prescription pad.

She still likes it when I say her name in bed, after 28 years, now I have to write it on my hand every night.

One thing I learned. Men are simple. Women are mysterious. I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas. [building L] That's a dirty word, kids.

I went to Kay Jewelers, hoping to find something really inexpensive, but there was nothing I liked. I was staring at the display case when the salesperson came over. A little aggressive, I think, in this economy. "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." And I said, "You know? Every piss begins with pee." [L] That really pissed HER off. [L][L] Lemme tell you.

[note: I cut the following paragraph down to 35 seconds] Did you hear this? A friend of President Obama, a very prominent black Harvard Professor was arrested at his Cambridge, Massachusetts home after a 911 call reported "a black man breaking into a house." He got into a verbal confrontation with the cop and was taken in for disorderly conduct. At a news conference, Obama called the police action "Stupid." Stepped on his dick. So now there's a firestorm of unrest with every black person who ever felt racially profiled and every cop who feels slandered up on arms. Oops.

Now the internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a transcript of a similar 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D.C. We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation.
"Washington Metro Police. What is your emergency? ... You see a black man breaking into a house? What's the address? ... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr. Limbaugh." [L][a]

I got an audience participation thing. For this next story, when I gesture, I want you to say WHO, ok? Let's try it [gesture]. Great. H1N1 is back is making a comeback. The World Health Organization [gesture] Very good. The World Health Organization [gesture] (never gets old) [L] has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. And I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu. [L][L]

As Jim [Jim Kruder, who was up earlier] mentioned, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. You remember those ads that ran for 3 years, from 1997 til the year 2000 during the Clinton administration? You remember, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" I always thought that dog was really cute. A lot cuter than that other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [L][L] Yeah, that bitch was ugly. [L]

I'm gonna close with this. 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a length of yarn, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is, name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was ... was date WHITE hose. [L][L]

Good night. [a]

First time at Rooster T. Feathers

Please come watch my maiden voyage at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA, on Wednesday, July 29,2009.

Tommy T's - July 20, 2009 - Kay Jewelers

This wasn't my best set, but didn't seem as bad while reviewing the video as it did when performing it.

Only one element was worth posting.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - The actual set + Videos

As I mentioned earlier, the evening was partially a roast of John, the owner, so there's a section of that material near the beginning. He had opened the show talking about Sarah Palin & Match dot com, then wondering why his girlfriend Julie puts up with him. (Hence some of the jokes)

John (host): We're gonna bring up our next comic, a new good friend of mine. Give it up for Rich Orwell.

Me: Hi, everybody ["Hi", "Hello"]. Anybody here have ADD or kids with ADD [one audience member points out another]? You? Your friend pointed you out. *I* have ADD, so I wrote my whole set while John was talking. [l]

First of all, Sarah Palin. You know Sarah Palin? You know what she would say if she were here tonight? "From the parking lot [turn & point] I can see Australia" [there's an Outback Steakhouse across the parking lot from the restaurant/club where we were]. [L][L] Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. [L]

And she's quitting as governor of Australia [Oops! -- total flub -- I *meant* to say Alaska. Audience shouted out "Alaska". I tried to recover, saying... ] What can I say? Yeah, Alaska is like Australia, but without the snaykes and spidahs [<= Aussie accent].



But, anyway, she's quitting as governor of Alaska, and in a year she's gonna be the queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival, because she doesn't have much of a future in politics [should have reversed those 2 clauses], and she's already been declared "persona au gratin." [L][L] Thank you for being literate, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to sing something for you, but I won't. [l] Dim sum enchanted evening. [L] Everybody remember South Pacific? We're in this lovely Dim Sum restaurant.

John mentioned match dot com. *I* tried match dot com [p] and they rejected me ["Aww"]. Yeah, I told them I like to play with matches. [p][L][some groans] You'd think they'd be more tolerant. [l]

And, uhh, John talked about Julie and wondered how she puts up with him. I don't think she has to put up with him very *far* [gesture w/ thumb & index finger for "small"]. [L] Dick jokes, you have to love 'em, don't you? [L][L}

And John's a golfer. Did you hear Tiger Woods didn't make the cut today in the British Open? Any golfers here [needed longer pause here & audience interaction]? ["Yeah"] He missed it by one stroke. He went on TV and said, "I made some mistakes. I screwed up." And I think Julie says until John loses 50 pounds he's gonna ONLY screw up. [some building laughs, but more groans]



OK. We're gonna only go with clean jokes, very clean jokes. Let's talk about dinosaurs. [L] Jurassic Park humor.

So here I am, a teacher in dinosaur elementary school. [should have made this some *other* person] And there's a little dinosaur there and I say, [talking to child voice] "You know, you have the biggest vocabulary. What kind of dinosaur ARE you?" And the little dinosaur says, "I'm a thesaurus." [groans, some L]. That is the *cutest* joke. I swear to God. My wife laughs at that EVERY time. [continuing l] She has Alzheimer's. It's new to her every time. [L]

H1N1 is now a world wide pandemic and they're not treating it [oops], not counting individual cases, only clusters around the world. One million cases in the US, ladies and gentlemen. And Rush Limbaugh got very scared and he left. Do you all know Rush? [boos] You like him? That's horrible. [building l] And he left the country, he left the country, and he's broadcasting from an unknown location. I kinda wonder where the swine flew. [some groans, but mostly L and some applause]

We're nearly at the end of this. We're gonna try to make it short.

You women are gonna love this. They're opening up a new chain of collagen injection spas and studios [said it badly]. It's called "Angelina Jo-lip." [some groans, but mostly big L] She's got those natural lips.

I'm gonna close with this because we've got a lot of comics and I respect your time. If Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia to Paris on vacation, and they were in the hotel the first night, and Petunia came out of the bathroom and asked, "Porky, what's that extra appliance in here?" He'd say, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet, a bidet. That's all folks!" Thanks very much.

John: Give it up for Rich Orwell. You're never too old to live your dream.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - That was very much fun

I went up 4th (I think) tonight. There were lotsa comics, and the owner, John whose birthday it was, had just gotten done telling the crowd we'd work on getting them out of there soon. So, despite his having told me I'd get 5 minutes, I cut it down to about 4:30 [pats self on back]. I *could* have slowed it down, not stepped on the laughs I got & let some of those laughs build, but I did OK for a rushed set.

I ended up only using a handful of the bits you'll see in the "What's on the Menu" post below. I added 3 in the front of the set, riffing with material I had written before on what John said in his intro. They actually worked better than some of the scripted material.

I got good responses to about 8 of the gags and can polish each of those. I can also rework a few that didn't work quite as well.

This was my first (relatively) large crowd. Maybe 30 or 40 people. A little older; a little wiser than the few tween customers and massive # of comics every week at Tommy's. I told a few things that required political awareness or a command of the English language -- and they GOT 'em. [Yay!]

I also got to meet and watch real, live professional comedians. "Chicago Steve" Barkley (http://www.chicagosteve.com/) was the headliner. You need to go to his site to appreciate the depth of experience and talent he brought to the show.

I also knew of and admire Larry "Bubbles" Brown (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Bubbles_Brown), who opened the show. Both of these guys have been major successes since the 1980s and were, of course, ridiculously funny.

John taped the entire night. Maybe I can get him to make me a copy.

A few of the audience members shook my hand/congratulated me on the set and all the comics were gracious enough to say they liked it. John's mother LOVED the joke about Rush Limbaugh and told me I have a future in comedy. She rejected my protestations that she was being nice to say so, saying instead that she watches a lot of comics and I "have something."

On the one hand, I knew I could have done better. On the other hand, I have to be happy with it going as well as it did. Ten years from now (if I'm alive & working as a comedian), I'll look back at tonight & cringe. But for now I'll edit the set down and post some of it later.

Officially Smart

I'll expand this later, but yesterday I received my Mensa Membership package.

I could have joined back when I took IQ tests & the SATs 45 years ago, but never thought about it until recently.

I was wondering how my friend Gail is doing back in Chattanooga, but don't have an email address for her. One of my funniest "Oops!" moments happened when I ran into her at UC Berkeley around 1990. We had both decided to be "re-entry" students, i.e. go back & finish BA degrees after dropping out in the 1960s. Big-time coincidence.

Anyway, we went out to lunch and I was walking her back to her car when I spotted a car with a "Mensa" bumper sticker. I pointed it out and said, "What kind of idiot would put that on their car?" Yep, you guessed it. It was HER car.

It's kinda like those annoying "Proud parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers I see everywhere nowadays. I mean, *I* could have been an honor student in High School, too, if I never discovered drugs and masturbation.

Anyway, I joined pretty-much to look her up in the members directory (accessible only to other members), but she let her membership lapse. [sigh] Now I guess I'll just have to go hug other smart people at conventions, or flash my membership card to get other folks to punch me in the face, or something,

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - What's on the menu

Tonight is a combination at Bunjo's: a short comedy set AND a roast of John, the owner, for his birthday. I'll post the actual set and/or video later. I just realized his astrological sign is Cancer, so I *might* decide to tell my "Little Crab" story.

Instead, though, I'll probably pick from the following (some of which aren't spelled out in detail below, but nearly all of which appeared earlier in this blog):

John
John really takes "human error" to a whole new level. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, but John screws up ALL the time. And Julie says until he loses 50 pounds ALL he's gonna do is screw up.

If you've ever been to SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida, San Diego, California or San Antonio, Texas, you might have seen Shamu the Killer Whale. Now this may be too terrible to imagine, but John naked, washing his hair in the shower is like Shampoo the Killer Whale. He's like that killer whale movie Free Willy. John's willy MAY be free but he can only see it in the mirror. Sorry, yanks. "Willy" is a British term. Yanks, Willy. Yanks, Willy. That's what John does when he's alone. I'm surprised she puts up with him. Of course, endowed as he is, she doesn't have to put up with him very far.

Stage, Screen & TV
Shakespeare's King Henry the IVth of England as Johhny Weissmuller. "I've been offerred another Tarzan movie. One more into the breechcloth, dear friends, once more."

Cartoon legend Yogi Bear and company are now appearing at the Ashland Oregon Shakespeare festival, with Yogi Bear playing the title role in Julius Caesar. His last line, etc.

Cartoon Icon Bullwinkle the Moose in Lerner and Loewe's My Fair Lady. We join him Singing "On the street where you live."

Retired TV legend Howdy Doody now works for Kraft Foods, operating a giant Parmesan grating machine. Howdy grating.

History, Ancient & Modern
French philosopher Rene Descartes as a tuber. "I, sweet potato.

French philosopher Rene Descartes as a tropical fruit, holding a can of garbanzo beans. Some people know, etc.

Prehistoric 5th grade teacher to dinosaur student, "My what a big vocabulary you have. What kind of dinosaur are you?" A thesaurus.

5th grade teacher. Class, Do you know the alphabet song, ABCDEFGee? Do you know what uric acid is? LMNOP

Latest news!
3 weeks after the recall of refrigerated cookie dough, John Dunne as the US Food and Drug Administration, writing to the Nestle company. etc.

H1Ni swine flu is back in the news. 1Million US cases. The WHO has declared a pandemic and is no longer tracking individual cases, only clusters of them worldwide. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder where the swine flu.

Gender news
The reason Men are simple and Women are mysterious has been found. It has to do with our genitalia. A man has an exposed penis, but a woman has a hidden agenda.

a new chain of collagen injection studios has been announced. It will be called Angelina Jolip.

Closing
Porky Pig explaining to Petunia the extra appliance in a Paris bathroom.

AHA! The (red) bulb lights up

Color me chagrined, that is, red-faced. For the last 2 weeks at Tommy T's we were all doing 4-minute sets. I went back & looked at the videos I made. Last week, I ran SEVEN minutes. This week, I ran SIX. Yikes. Not only do I exclude myself from the "Best of the Night" competition, but I'm disrespecting the other comics. Bad dog.

It must be that Val gives me the 1-minute-warning light at 3 minutes, as she does everybody else, and I just ignore it. With a lot of folks, she'll say something from the back or shut off a comic's mic if they run as long as I've been.

Hard to believe I have so little time discipline. I need to fix it.

Tommy T's - July 13, 2009 - the actual set

Another old, fat, white guy. Are you disappointed? I'm pretty f---ing disappointed.

Lemme act this out for you. Like charades, but we're only going to do one part. Tell me what this is. [revolve in place 2 times, holding props] It's prop circles. [L]

We even got Bruno to laugh [a blond guy up front who hadn't really laughed all night and vaguely resembled the movie character Bruno]. I know you haven't really been laughing, but I saw your movie and thought it was outrageous.

I want you to give it up for my wife. We've been married, August 1st, 28 years. [a]. Honey, can you feel the love from your box under the bed? [DIED!] OK. So she's not going to be here tonight. We have plywood and manacles. The secret to a long marriage. [dead]

Actually, that was my FIRST wife. I used to call her Little Shawshank. And I was really surprised that night when she popped up through the mattress kinda like the Alien out of John Hurt's chest. Do you remember Alien, anybody? Uma Thurman when she was buried by Bill's brother in Kill Bill? OK, that was her escape. [dead dead dead]

My wife and I are still very compatible, because we're both suicidally depressed. [l] So that makes us real compatible. If you wanna get us a gift for our anniversary, we're registered at Rite-Aid. [l] What we're really looking for is those $5 co-pays. You know what I mean? Because we're buying a lot of anti-depressants. YOU people are depressed, I can tell. [comatose customers][l] I tell you.

Bruno is laughing. My God. This is a first.

Let's talk politics. Just 'cause it's in the news and I brought all the props. What the hell?

Let's talk about Mark Sanford. Is everybody aware of this guy? He's the Governor of South Carolina, a Republican. He's got a wife & 4 sons and he went to Argentina to see his mistress. Didn't tell anybody. My kinda guy. He's who I wanna be when I grow up. 'Cause I am so white. I'm like a piece of moldy wonder bread compared to some of these people. [I meant the other comics, but it didn't come across] Let's hear it for moldy wonder bread, can we? [a] Thank you very much. And I got that green shit all over me. But you know this guy Mark Sanford, he went to Florida with his wife and 4 kids over the 4th of July weekend and Joe Biden went to Iraq to see the soldiers, so who do you think was safer? I'm thinking Joe Biden. Because this guy's wife is really pissed.

So, anyway she's already signed a book deal. And lemme show you, because I carried the damned props all the way up here. She didn't write it yet, but she picked out the title and cover art. Here's the inspiration for the book. She's got 4 kids. [Where's Waldo] Have you played that? I don't think she likes him very much. Here's her kids' book. [show cover] Here's her book. You're supposed to find Waldo. I just had cataract surgery, so now I can find Waldo [l]. Jenny Sanford, she came up with this book title. It's a little different. [show cover] It's called Where's Dildo. Because Mark Sanford is a big latex dick. And the woman he's been dating in Argentina [show cartoon]. Does anybody recognize her? Any parents out there? It's Carmen Sandiego, ladies and gentlemen. What a babe. It's OK if only the parents get that one.

Sarah Palin. Can we talk about Sarah Palin. Does anybody give a s--t about Sarah Palin. Nobody knows what Sarah Palin's planning to do after she resigns as Governor of Alaska. It could be she'll run for the senate in 2010, or president in 2012, or my theory, she's already pregnant with another down syndrome baby. She already picked out the name, "Stump."

I hoped I could find my wife something inexpensive at Kay Jewelers in the mall, but no way. The salesperson was a little aggressive, coming up saying, "Every kiss begins with Kay." I said, "You know what else? Every piss begins with pee." Pissed HER off.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. [show vacuum hose] I call her Hoover. She likes to suck ALL the time. What a difference. When I was younger, I only used to have sex with WHITE hose.

Tommy T's - July 13, 2009 - Comments

Well, here's a rarity. I was actually EXPECTING to be selected at the end of another marathon (i.e. 30-comic) open mic at Tommy T's in the "Top 5" -- the ones from whom the audience chooses the one to win the $100 for the night. NOT to win it, but in the 5 best. Disappointing. I made a video of the set & will play it later to see if I misperceived how well it went. [sigh]

Bunjo's - July 10, 2009 - Too Literary?

This was in the middle of my set ...

Bunjo's -- July 10, 2009 -- The set I planned

[I ended up leaving out HUGE chunks of this. I had difficulty with the graphics props]

Yes, it's an old, fat guy up here. I'm disappointed, too.

Look, Prop circles!

I wasn't any good at this "Where's Waldo?" game (you know how this works?) until Tuesday. I had this amazing Cataract surgery and NOW I can find Waldo.

It's no news this economy sucks. My wife & I are looking for jobs. Our 28th anniversary is 3 weeks from tomorrow & I can't afford to buy her a present. We're both getting treated for depression. If you wanna get us a gift, everything we need has a $5 co-pay at Rite-Aid.

When we were first married, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw. You folks with straws know what to do with them, right? My wife knows, too, but she won't do it.

I got a little nasty window shopping at Kay Jewelers this week. When the salesman said, "Every kiss begins with k?" I said, "You know what else? Every piss begins with pee." Hauled away shouting.

Nobody knows what Sarah Palin's planning to do after she resigns as Governor of Alaska. It could be she'll run for the senate in 2010, or president in 2012, or my personal favorite, have another downs syndrome baby, tentatively named "Stump."

Did you know all John McCain really wanted was to try parasalin?

The only job she'll be able to get in 2012 is queen of the annual wisconsin cheese festival. By then everyone else will have declared her persona au gratin. latin puns never work.

But I'll keep trying. Now that Fiat took over Chrysler they'll be changing the name to Caveat. Damn.

3 weeks since the recall of cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Dunne would say, "Nestle, Ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles for thee." No English majors?

Only one more. Ashland Oregon has their annual Shakespeare festival all summer. Anybody ever gone? Me neither. Retired cartoon legend Yogi Bear and company are guest performing, with Yogi playing the title role in Julius Caesar. His last line is "Et tu, Boo Boo?"

So much for the literary shit.

Mark Sanford of South Carolina STILL hasn't resigned. He spent 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much any more. She hasn't written it yet, but she HAS chosen a title and cover art.

Here's a rare picture of the woman he was dating.... carmen sandiego.

So Who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida? I'm guessing Joe Biden.

Yes, 4th of July was last Saturday. Where are my dogs owners? Were your dogs upset by the fireworks? Mine were ... so we had to sedate them. It worked out real well ... we had Michael Jackson's veterinarian. Too soon? Sorry.

My wife won't play with my straw. so I've got a new sex partner. (show vacuum hose) Different from what I remember. I only used to have sex with WHITE hose.

Visit my web site rhetorich dot com. That's rhetoric with an h at the end dot com.

Thank you and good night.

Bunjo's -- July 10, 2009 -- Oh well

One of those CWAZY nights. Our dog Starbuck was bleeding from the mouth or chin or somewhere, so M had to take him to the vet for a 7pm appt. I was ready to leave in my car for the club around 7:20, but the battery was totally dead. Surprise! So I called M to be sure she was coming home soon, then called Bunjo's & left a voice message, then sent an email, then called the restaurant that contains the club & got through to John, who was OK w/ my coming in late. I arrived around 8:20, or so, just as Drew Pult was coming off the stage -- a shame I missed his set. I watched & waited through the rest of the comics & came up last. There were only maybe 10 non-comedian customers, making it a difficult room from which to get laughs. Pretty-much all the performers before me commented on this. The laughs didn't come easy. I was frazzled getting up there, what with the sick dog, the dead battery & the eye patch from Tuesday's cataract surgery. The good news, though, was that M had very sweetly let me buy a second aloha shirt to wear tonight, so I knew I was looking stylish. I'll post the actual set here later -- maybe a chunk or 2 of video, too, but I'll post the set I had PLANNED to do first.

Tommy T's - July 6, 2009 - The Set

[This is an edited version of the set I delivered. It reads a little bit better than what I actually said.

You'll see this Monday-night set is very much like the Bunjo's set from Friday. The Bunjo's version below contains smaller versions of the poster-sized graphics I used at Tommy T's. (I used 8.5"x11" versions at Bunjo's, a much smaller venue)

The closing bit is in the video I posted below.]

Have some pity. I'm old. Give it up. [a]

I AM Rich Orwell, another struggling, young, attractive comedian [l] -- I've just been getting over my anorexia issues. [l] You people up front can see what I mean.

Everybody's been talking about doing weed and memory loss. I was an ACTUAL hippie in the summer of love, 1967 in San Francisco. [cheers] Yeah, give it up for the hippies. You might have seen me in a photo in your history books [L]. I was the guy with the shoulder length hair, the red eyeballs and the shit-eating grin. Of course, that's everybody in the history books.

I've got some props. Pretty lame. Actually, I AM lame. Everybody knows this about me I had some foot surgery, that's why I take a while to get up here. Been taking Vicodin and Morphine [cheers] And they'll be available in the parking lot[L], or on my web site, controlled substances dot com. So be sure to visit over there.

I've been playing this game "Where's Waldo?" [show poster of book cover] I don't know if you can see it. But I'm not very good. You know about this game? You parents out there? You know, you're supposed to find Waldo. But I've got cataract surgery tomorrow (and that is no joke). And so that's pretty-much why I can never find Waldo.

Who's under 30? Where are my under 30 people.[a] I've been under 30 TWICE. I'll be 60 in December. The first time was way better, and you young people know this, the man will wake up every morning with a big, throbbing erection. And I wake up every morning with a flex-straw. The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it.

Sarah Palin's in the news, right? Everybody hear she announced she's resigning as Governor of Alaska.[claps] And people are speculating why she's doing that. It could be she plans to run for the senate in 2010 or run for president in 2012. I have my own theory. She's just going to raise another downs syndrome baby [gasps], and they've already picked out a name. They're going to call it "Stump."[l][groans]

Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America.

Everybody knows by now about Mark Sanford, right? The guy who went to Argentina to visit his mistress. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much. She hasn't written it yet, but she HAS chosen a title and cover art. [show "Where's Dildo" cover (see it in a post below)] [L]

Who do you think was safer over the weekend: Joe Biden, in Iraq for the 4th of July, or Mark Sanford, with his family in Florida? [p] Joe Biden.

Have you seen the babe he was seeing? .... Carmen Sandiego. [show Carmen Sandiego illustration (in a post below)] [L] Yeah, SHE's hot.

Let's see ... 4th of July humor. My dogs were upset by the fireworks ... so we had to sedate them. It worked out real well ... we had Michael Jackson's veterinarian. [L][outraged exclamations] Huh? Michael Jackson humor. I'm sorry.

Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf. After we broke up, she became a whore. I take credit for that, 'cause it was like I coached her as an amateur and now she's a professional. I wanna bumper sticker that says, "Proud trainer of a prostitute." I'm sick of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" things.

Lemme close with this/// let's get some applause for closing at all, ok. [a]

I had a "Eureka" moment the other day. Lemme explain for those of you not from Eureka. It's like an "Aha" moment. A moment of discovery. Here's what *I* discovered. A old man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... when she won't play with my straw. Well, actually it might not have been a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I might have been a Hoover moment.

And this is all wrong, I actually used to have sex with WHITE ho's. [killed]

You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.

Eureka Moment - Tommy T's - July 6, 2009

This is how I closed my set at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, CA on July 6, 2009

Tommy T's - July 6, 2009

That was ... interesting. 30 comics, 4 minutes each. Show ran from 7 to 10pm. Val was nice enough to give me a little time to set up the props (around 40 seconds), but I never quite got it right -- ended up struggling to use the graphics every time. Frustrating. She also didn't cut me off at 4 minutes. That was nice of her. I ran 6:20 AFTER the set-up time (7:00 total). Set was somewhat well received overall, but not nearly as well liked as several other acts (that were good enough to run on-time or under). I need more time discipline. Definitely. The last line (when I'm holding up the black vacuum hose), "I used to sleep with WHITE ho's" killed.

Bunjo's -- July 3, 2009 -- Planned and Delivered

[This is pretty close to the ACTUAL set]

Hello. Bunjo's. I AM Rich Orwell. How we doing tonight?

I know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight. "From the parking lot, I can see Australia." Outback Steakhouse. [the club shares a parking lot with an Australia-themed Outback Steakhouse restaurant]

She's in the news again. She's resigning as Governor of Alaska, effective end of this month. No joke. No explanation. It could be she plans to run for the senate in 2010, or campaign for president in 2012, or my personal favorite, take care of a difficult pregnancy with another downs syndrome baby, tentatively named "Stump." I kid the governor. "Hey, Todd, Let's go Outback tonight."

I've been playing this "Where's Waldo?" book. (Here's the cover) But I'm not very good. Maybe 'cause I've got Cataract surgery on Tuesday, I can never find Waldo. [sigh]

I think somebody has a voodoo doll -- first a needle in the left foot, and now the left eye.

FIVE weeks now since my last foot surgery and the pain is all gone. (yay!) I was taking Vicodin and Morphine. Now Available in the parking lot, or on my web site, controlled substances dot com.

Married 28 years on August 1st. and we're still semi-happy together. Very compatible. Both depressed all the time. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. We could use serving pieces for anti-depressants.

Don't tell my wife, but I'm planning a 5 day trip to South America.

By now you know about Mark Sanford, right? The Republican governor of South Carolina who disappeared for 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much. She hasn't written it yet, but she HAS chosen a title and cover art.


This is the woman from Argentina he's been seeing...
Carmen Sandiego


[note: the club is in a Chinese restaurant that serves Dim Sum daily -- if you don't know what "Dim Sum" is, Google it]
I hear they've got great Dim Sum here. [sing] Dim Sum enchanted evening. (from the musical "South Pacific", ladies and gentlemen.)

And can I sing or what? Maybe I'll go on America's Got Chutzpa.

What? Not many Jews? Lemme explain. Chutzpa. It's the Israeli Vespa. The Mafia likes to relax at the Chut-zpa. OK. seriously Chutzpa is a Greek island next to Lesbos, but everybody there has big balls.

Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf from 40 years ago. After we broke up, she became a hooker. I'm very proud. It's like I coached an amateur before she turned pro.

She's very patriotic. On the 4th of July she gives a free bj to any uniformed svcman she meets -- while humming the Star Spangled Banner. Makes 'em come to attention. Don't boo.

Actually, she likes any guy in uniform. Next year she'll be working the Boy Scout Jamboree. She gives GREAT merit badge.

I had a "Eureka" moment last week. Lemme explain. The California state motto is Eureka, what the guy said who discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?) Greek for "I have found it." An "Aha" moment. Here's what *I* discovered. A man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Very important at my age... Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment [show vacuum hose]. I think it was a Hoover.

You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.

Bunjo's -- July 3, 2009

I had fun tonight at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin.

My set was well-received -- getting laughs where I wanted and a few I hadn't anticipated. I also had to "ad lib" in a few spots and felt pretty good about my "think on my feet" skills. After all, I *am* a trained orator, right? LOL

There were a number of "first"s. This was the first time I made a digital video of a set (and the first time I used the enormously sexy "FlexPod Gripper" tripod I bought yesterday to hold the camera). This was also the first time I used VISUAL props. While I've used a Digital Recorder before ("At my age, getting lucky means I can find the car. My wife got me this."), tonight I had 3 graphics, printed on regular 8.5"x11" office paper, plus a short vacuum cleaner hose. This was also the first time in 5 weeks I performed without a cane. Finally, I realized looking at the video that this was one of the first times I bent over on stage. Scary-ugly, but I can live w/ it.

I'll need to increase the recording volume level next time and zoom in a lot, but the recording came out OK. I was worried about the relatively small artwork, even in a relatively small venue, but the audience seemed to see it OK (I described each aloud while holding it up). If I had the budget, of course, I'd blow them up to poster size for legibility. I'll post each one with the set script. The hose, as expected, killed.

As I often do, I'll post the set later. I need to see how transferable to the PC the video is -and- how to upload it to Blogger. I also need to see if I can punch up the volume.

[Update: The set appears above. I'm still not sure I can get the video uploaded.]

How Many Michael Jackson books?

Does Las Vegas have a "line" yet on how many books about Michael Jackson will be published within the next 6 months?

I figure there's 2 parents, 4 brothers, Latoya & Janet, all friends, nurses and doctors, and the 10 dancers recently hired for the England tour. Plus unauthorized biographies and theories about his possible illegal behavior.

I haven't even begun to scratch the surface.

I'm guessing 50, at least.

Perverseverance

This is one of my older art projects, based on the series of "uplifting" posters for corporate America.
It refers, of course, to my continuing battle to remain kinky.

Mark Sanford's Wife Signs Book Deal

Jenny Sanford, wife of Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina who disappeared for 5 days while visiting his mistress in Argentina, is understandably upset.

She has reportedly already signed a book deal, citing the need to provide for herself and her 4 sons after the anticipated divorce. In the book she will "tell all" about her marriage.

While she hasn't yet written it, she HAS chosen a title and cover art. See below.

[BTW, I printed a copy of this & used it in my comedy set at Bunjo's on July 3rd.]