Bunjos, Festivus, 12/23/11

If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.
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not sure I can do this.  just learned
My wife is having an affair.
Some Native American guy.  My detective says she spends all her time with "Angry Birds."
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My mother was a shitty parent.  She never taught me the fundamentals, like brushing my teeth.  They'd be whiter if I was raised by wolves.  My teeth are the same color as every entree at an Indian lunch buffet. Brown, orange, yellow, gray.  But for the holidays I'm working on whitening them.  With Photoshop.

If you got those, congratulations on knowing tech stuff.  If you didn't, congratulations on having a life.
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For Xmas, my wife ordered me a big, new computer monitor.  delivered by fedEx.
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A man has a "mistress."  So what does a woman have?  Looked it up. A gigolo,  escort, "Pool boy," "Fitness trainer."  Naw.  I think it's like this.  A man has a "mistress."  A woman has an "orgasm."
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Festivus contest.  get my cards (with the improved teeth)

Tiger Woods won the Chevron Golf Tournament ((World Challenge Tournament)) three weeks ago  ((Sunday, 12/4)), his first in 2 years.  Asked how he would celebrate, he said, "It's early. I still have time to get in another 18 holes."  Write your own joke.

tiger  -- and the women were LINING UP
I'm not a HOLE, I'm a ho. ho, ho.  Merry Xmas.
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"My neighbors have 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too.  Symmetry."  A friend, barbara garber, heard that and started to sing, "Oh symmetry,  Oh symmetry, how even are your bran-ches."

- chuck e cheese's sign in Hayward
Religious moment:  The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"

I remember at Xmas I used to take my first wife shopping.  She was 4'11", still is, I guess.  When the marriage was ending I would lose her in the crowd at macys.
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A few years ago, I took a new job and started dating a woman there.  Yeah, I know.  At the Xmas party, I handed her a bottle of wine and said in a fairly loud voice, "Here, suck out this cork."

Then I got worried.  Was I being indiscrete?  Was it harassment?  Not a problem.  She *already* had a reputation for being a fabulous corksucker.

Anyway, she was hella drunk (is that the right way to say it?) and so she tried to do it, right there in front of everybody.  Chipped her tooth.  Screw top.
================
Maybe I know why my wife is unhappy.  She likes it when I whisper her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.
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My parents divorced after 19 years. My first wife and I, 7 years. Our son David made it for 23  (he holds the record). We're all hoping my 20 year old granddaughter Rachel just screws a buncha guys.
Skips all that drama.  (fucks)

((decide to buy gift?))

Rachel is 20 now, all grown up. Studying acting and directing at the UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television (TFT).  Best school of its kind in the world. My friend Joe sent me an email that said, "You remember how you used to bounce Rachel on your knee?  She still likes to bounce."  I didn't understand, but clicked on the tiny link address link and I thought it said YouTube,  but it said YouPORN. [p]  Frequent visitors?   TITLE was disturbing -- On your knees, b-word that rhymes w/ witch.  OK.  What kind of practical joke was this?  First frame was on the screen already.  There was this big buff guy, sitting on the bed wearing only a white towel. A poster child for steroids, tattoos, and sloping foreheads.  I hit Play ... and in walks Rachel!  [[PAUSE!!]]  She's a little thing, takes after her grandma,
s dog @ macys
pigtails, a Catholic school girl's uniform.  You know,  the pleated plaid skirt, white blouse, white socks, and (I didn't stick around to see this, but I'm guessing) white panties.  I can only tell you how it starts.  I don't want to offend anybody, so I'll change the dialog a little.
[and she's a trained actress, so I can't match the way she sold her lines with body language & gestures & enunciation and the perfect volume]  OK. OK. She says to the guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding  night.  But I can Baloney you."   And I stopped the video.  I'm not going to watch my little Rachel doing that.

I decided NOT to send the email to her grandmother [p].  Or her mom [p] or dad. [p]  I didn't even send it to HER, because I knew she'd think I was being judgmental.  She expect me to call and ask, "How much did they pay you to baloney the gorilla?"  But I have to admit, as I was sitting there stunned, I was thinking, "What an actress.  She isn't even Catholic."

It's not like she knows much about kneeling.

And then I called Amazon dot com and ordered her a big, stuffed teddy bear.

======================================
boomerang  David.  age 43.
Occupy Dad's house.  actually step-mom.
now he's using my PC, criticizing my choices of bookmarked porn
in our own home, we can't be nudists anymore
eliminated at-home nudism
-----------
know what boomerang kids are?.
story abt homeless.  took him in 6 months ago.  now it's
His mom divorced me in 1975.

dating sites
he never outgrew being a pyro,  wants to date,
so he went to their support group site (come on baby)
now he uses their favorite dating site,
nor eharmony or chemisty.com, match.com
======================================
- catheter story

I went to the movies yesterday and didn't even look at the sizes when I ordered popcorn and soda. I just said "the biggest ones."  20 bucks. [p] I swear the soda wasn't 64 ounces, or even 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  A gallon.

First mistake:

I could have said to the 16-year old kid behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures out what it's for.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked him, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p]  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and I got on with it. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god knows what they will do to you if you cross over into it) minimum wage employees only space and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my drink, somehow avoided a hernia, walked in and saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

opened 12/20  soda/catheter story
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tattoo segue to dolly...  has tramp stamp
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Prepare to be dazzled

A bigger version of one of my pictures.

Some of my past & present bits

This is a VERY loose collection of material.  Some is categorized.  Some just has keywords.  In general, I'm considering using stuff that's at the top.

SEXUAL
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inflatable gf tramp stamp

[My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my Native American name, "Walks with a limp ... dick."]

male lover (mistress equivalent) he is called an "orgasm" -- angry birds

[geek. dweeb, nerd]

The morning after pill is called Plan B.  Their ads talk about contraceptive failure -- you know, the condom breaks.  They say, "If Plan A fails, there's Plan B."  I say, ladies, if there's a chance you'll get pregnant, why don't you say, "Let's go outback tonight"?  If you don't enjoy THAT, the "Plan B" I'd suggest is Oral B (and I don't mean the toothbrush).

rachel -- "I can Baloney you or U can put it in my Butterfinger."
skip all the movie action & just focus on the outfit
those acting classes are really paying off

Hickory Dickory Doc  -- Revolutionary war dildo  (PUN)

elixer of youth  (PUN)

Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :)  (PUN)

NO >>>>>>>>>> Have you noticed some words just SOUND dirty?
Take "innuendo", a snide insinuation.  Here's an example.  Imagine I'm holding a big butt plug.  Where should I stick it?  "Innuendo".

another dirty-sounding word, Agenda
get your mind in the gutter
Vagina sounds slick.  Agenda sounds crowded.


XMAS
------------
xmas music is the all-powerful god's way of saying you don't have rhythm

At a Xmas party, I handed a girl a bottle of wine and said, "Here, suck out this cork."  And then I worried I was being indiscrete.  I didn't have to worry, though, she already had a reputation of being a fabulous corksucker.  (SEX)

bo-tox, canine Nancy Pelosi.  I mean I'm sorry, I'm a life long Liberal, and I come from San Francisco, which she represents, but her face looks like it's already been carved into Mount Rushmore.

vic secret

- this house in my neighborhood has all their decorations up.  they've got 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too.  symmetry.  (PUN - GOOD)

Oh symmetry  Oh symmetry how even are your bran ches  barbara garber


- chuck e cheese's sign  -- rohnert park --
Religious moment:  The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"


TOPICAL
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I was willing to bend over backwards for my bank, but then they told me to bend over forwards.

tiger woods won chevron world challenge Sunday, 12/4.  now he wants to get in 18 holes whenever he can.  women are lining up.  sorry.  sexist.  but did you see the women he was dating before?

Rod Blagojevich & Charlie Sheen coauthoring a new book "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it"

* Number #4 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.

* Number #3 - The way he treats women's skirts is underhanded.

* Number #2 - They say he's going to pull out.
                    - He told *me* he'd pull out, but then he got too excited.

* And the #1 Thing overheard in the ladies' washrooms at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.


OLD
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If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.

I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Summer of Love, back in 1967.
I smoked so much dope, I have a life-long case of the munchies. (or was it obvious?)  I also got a *permanent* memory loss *and* I got old, so I decided to stop apologizing for using notes.
I snorted so much coke I got a deviated septum *and* a deviated personality.
[hippie $5/photo]
It took me a while to get started because I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Haight Ashbury during the summer of love 1967.  I'm available for photos after the show.  Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. I bet if you all climbed on a truck scale, I smoked more dope than you all weigh.  Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.

Anybody here tonight under 30?  I'll be 60 in December. Please, I need the pity. [a]  So, I've been under 30 TWICE.  The first time was way better, because as a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection.  Now I wake up with a flex-straw.  The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw.  Ladies, you know what I mean?  The bad news is that she won't do it.

mastodons

one-cave schoolhouse

by the time my wife was born French Hospital -- they were using ELECTRIC lights  GOOD

green mold on wonderbread

dog olders -- puppy makes old dog younger
hefner

guess one of the problems of getting old
- insurance geico - ereptile dysfunction  (& dick-doc)  (PUN)
- stoneridge mall -- "getting lucky" means when I leave, I can find the car
- memory -- so now, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. spontaneity (GOOD)
So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute.  She calls me  Dumbshit.

- funeral, pate de fois moi (1991) (GOOD)
I'm getting to be so old, my wife and I are planning my funeral.  We're broke, so we'll do the catering ourselves.  Grind my liver into a tasty cracker spread.  "Pate de fois moi." Hannibal Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs" will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice ChiYANTi. f-f-f-f-f-f.   Hello, Clarice.


STORY
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catheter (GOOD)

PARENTS
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gila monster --
the Gila monster is a poisonous lizard that lives in the Arizona and New Mexico deserts.  it doesn't have fangs like a snake, it chews its poison into you slowly.  and once it has a grip on you, it never lets go. even after you cut off its head, the nervous system keeps biting.  That's right, it will chew venom into you even after it's *dead*.
===========================
dance on grave  <<>>
urn (GOOD)

My mother never taught me the fundamentals.  I'd have whiter teeth if I was raised by wolves.
And they don't floss.  I'm working on it.  Whitening my teeth.  With Photoshop. (GOOD)
===========================

YES  tofurkey  (STORY)

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boomerang children -- David moved back in
in-house nudity

eyes water, nose water, forehead, head, full body, convulsions, death

they really *liked* my aftershave  -- KBS, no wash chin

Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :)

AA batteries 69 position

cockroach extra spit

sedentary

I don't Exercise: My wife practices Kegels, so at night I never have to wish her, "Sleep tight."

garbanzo beans  mangoes standing up

thesaurus  (PUN)

stapleton until 1995.  attacked

I studied martial arts
gentle way, way of empty fist, way of the Way of unifying with life energy
do-si-do

crab louie
cherry pie Eastwood
gender -- hidden agendas

1/2 chicken sandwich -- OLD

republican, stop sign

crows -- cable cars

horticulturist roses

bipolar
popeye 73 virgins

zi-PLOK

4th of July
-------
Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf from 40 years ago. After we broke up, she became a call girl.  Now, hear me out.  Yes, I AM a sex god. It's like I coached an amateur before she turned pro.
She's very patriotic.  On the 4th of July she gives free oral sex to any uniformed svcman she meets -- while humming the Star Spangled Banner.  Makes 'em come to attention.  Don't boo.
Actually, she likes any guy in uniform.  Next year she'll be working the Boy Scout Jamboree.  She gives GREAT merit badge.

grand for grandma

coke

she's gonna graduate summa cum-shot.

pave way, waive pay

e-i-e-i-o

swanson TV dinners

mammogram machine

I have comedy in my blood.  My ancestor was a female court jester named "Lois the Fool".  She INVENTED the pun.  The king liked puns so much, one day he declared, "From this day forward, let it be known that the Pun is the Lois form of humor."

OLD MATERIAL
*** When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.
When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top so now I ALWAYS screw up.  Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

frozen choco banana
If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. That shit MELTS.  Those chocolate stains don't come out. You'll have a hard time explaining to the next visitors that you aren't incontinent.  And, no the incontinent isn't Europe.

pepper/pibb biochemistry

angelina jolip

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Very few people know Superman is Jewish.   You know Superman isn't circumcized, right?  He was supposed to be.  But when Krypton exploded, his father Jar-el sent him here in a rocketship, still Intact.

Even Lois Lane never guessed.  Let me tell you why. His parents Jor-El and  mother Lara, following Jewish tradition, had scheduled  the "bris", his ritual circumcision, for 8 days after their  son was born.

And then, wouldn't you know it, his home planet of  Krypton was about to explode.  Don't you just hate it  when that happens?

So his father Jor-El sent him in a rocketship to Earth,  where under our yellow sun no blade can sever his  "super-foreskin."  The giant "S" on his chest is actually  a warning label.  It stands for [p] "Smeg-man."   I'm sorry.  Was that cheesy?

Under the yellow sun on earth, bullets can't harm him and no blade can sever his super foreskin.  I hope he practices good hygiene, or else it wouldn't be like when you see a fast car on the street.  You wouldn't wanna know what's under the hood. ... Super gunk.

-------------------------
LMNOP  (PUN)

[clinton tattoo]
Paula Jones said she could PROVE Bill Cliinton exposed himself to her because she saw something "different" about his anatomy.  Breaking years of silence, she's announced what it was.  "It's a tattoo in a very unusual place", she said. "I only caught a brief glimpse of it when he dropped his pants, but I think was the name of his favorite college teacher,
Prof Hilton.  When asked to confirm the story, Monica Lewinsky laughed.  Apparently she got to look at it, ummm, longer.  SHE says it reads,
Property of Hillary Clinton

I was in bed with this girl, who said she was a little "kinky".  And asked me if I was into "watersports". I guess I'd led a pretty sheltered life.  I thought she meant water POLO.  So I asked her, "In water polo, how you get the horses into the pool?" Big mistake.  You should have seen the look on her face.  And then she explained what she wanted to do. You should have seen the look on MY face.

Hard to imagine now, and I don't mean to boast, but I used to be a sort of a stud muffin.  Ran 5 miles every day.  Studied martial arts.  Was a ski bum in the winter.  I mean, in my 20s I was a fuckin bronze god. Lemme give you an example.  Ladies, don't you hate it when the guy finishes, rolls over, and falls asleep?  When I was 25, I'd wake up with one woman, have a nooner with another, and was up all night having sex with a third.  After doing that for a while I was so tired, one night I finished and fell asleep without rolling over.  When I say "I fell asleep on her"  I mean I fell asleep ON her.  Man, was she pissed!

labia menorah

hitachi magic wand -- tennis ball sized vibrating surface
trying to get off an elephant -- or maybe a rhino
how do you ...?

off putting  (PUN)

cosmo airplane -- how feel  (GOOD)

COSMO -- taboo sex has *shrunken* head  (GOOD)

xaviera collender

"sit on my facebook"

69 -- bit parts

If you DO decide to try watersports, think about the shower head.
Be careful. Even experts can drown doing shower head.

so, am I jewish?  strict rule about mother.  even though I went to Hebrew school, never had bar mitzvah.  so NOT jewish, unless you;re willing to bend the rules, like if you're a Nazi.  (GOOD)

Redwood Road dog

NO  >>>>>>>>> crow canyon shoulders  12 miles

POLITICAL
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-Expecting Republicans to pass anything is like you're in your car, you pull up to an intersection and you wait for the stop sign to change.

Best birthday message

My friend, Comedian Bob Lieberman, speaks American Sign Language. He sent a birthday greeting: "HB, R!"
Rich Orwell: Thanks :) What's that look like in ASL, Bob?
Bob Lieberman: I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Rich Orwell: It would more deadly if you were holding nunchucks.

Company Xmas party

Many years ago I broke all the "don't shit where you eat" rules and had an affair with a woman at work. I won't say any more than that, respecting her privacy.  I did something less discrete, though, at the company Xmas party.

I handed her a bottle of wine and said, "Here, why don't you suck out this cork?"

It turns out I didn't have to worry about her reputation.  She already was known as a fabulous corksucker.

Catheter

I went to the movies and ordered the usual $20/worth of popcorn and soda and I swear to god the soda wasn't 64 ounces, it wasn't 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  So here's where I made my first mistake.  I could have said to the 16-year old boy behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or at least he hears the word and figures it out.  But I didn't.  I asked him, "Does this come with a catheter?"  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"

Here's where I made my second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania (something akin to Hunter S. Thompson on drugs) it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him.  So I picked up and unwrapped a straw, and I proceeded.  And in a few seconds this curious kid who had been leaning on the counter is backing away and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my popcorn and my hernia-inducing soda and went into the theater, secure in the knowledge I had destroyed yet another young mind.

Squirmin' Cain

Herman Cain material while he's still running.  Feel free to use these around the water cooler.

• Number #7 - He SAYS he'll withdraw, but at the last minute he loses control.
• Number #6 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.
• Number #5 - He wants us to treat him like royalty. We're supposed to say Yes, your GOPness.
• Number #4 - He admitted last week some of his dealings with women have been underhanded,  specifically when he deals with skirts
• Number #3 - I heard his nickname in college was "I swear to God -- it will taste like candy"-Cain.  That only works one time.
• Number #2 - I think he's a Don Juan-a-be.
• And the #1 Thing overheard in the washroom at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.

OccuPoddy Stop

Gandhi led a non-violent movement to get the British out of India. They won.

Martin Luther King led a non-violent movement to get civil rights for black people. They won.

Occupy is led by nobody. They have no agenda. They have tents and sleeping bags. They have a camping trip.

I say, Get some leaders, Get an agenda, and (if non-violence isn't going to get the job done) Get some guillotines. Shiny new Gillette Fusion Proglide guillotines with lubricated comfort strips.

The 1% screws us because we have no leadership ability. If Occupy is the best we can do, we *deserve* to be screwed.

Am I angry? Heck yeah.

Herman Cain

He's finally admitted reaching under that woman's skirt.

He says it was all a misunderstanding.

She told him she wanted his help finding a position in Japan, but he wasn't
listening closely when she said she could do a really good Pacific Rim Job.

I say this tongue in cheek.

p.s.   I've told this in rooms where more than 1/2 the crowd have never heard of a rim job.  Awkward.

If you don't know, Google it.

maybe old; maybe new

I wish I had a small-caliber machine gun on my car's roof. Then I could blast bad drivers while screaming obscenities. Gun tourette syndrome.

A lot of people say Asian drivers are the worst. They aren't. The worst drivers are zombies.
Have you ever watched a zombie try to parallel park? Awful.

Blade Runner

Occupy Wall Street finally is making a list of demands.  No demands, no results; no threats, no demands met.  They ordered some guillotines.  Like in the French revolution.   Take care of the 1% that owns everything.  But these are better.  Gillette Fusion Proglide guillotines.  They feature a lubricated strip for comfort   The first 5 blades pull the head out just a little, so the sixth blade can cut through cleanly, without leaving any embarrassing neck stubble.  The head will look its best when mounted on a wall or being paraded around the city on a pike. (And, by the way, by "pike" I mean a long spear; not a fish.  Carrying the head around the city on a fish would send entirely the wrong message.)  The machines will be free, of course.  Just like with razors, the money's in the blades.

Time for you to Leave

My existential nihilistic pro-suicide blog is well-written, but not everyone's cup of hemlock.  

Bunjo's, Oct 14, 2011

This is as close as I can remember to the set I did at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, Ca. on Oct 14, 2011.  There were, of course, a few riffs on other comics in the beginning, but this was the set I'd planned and this was the set I delivered.

I'm getting better at sticking to the plan.  And my timing, specifically waiting for the audience to have time to laugh, was better, too.

==============================================

I *am* the youngest, thinnest, best looking comic here tonight. (I checked)
Did you have the magic mushroom chicken?
No? Oh, in that case I'm hella fat, hella ugly and hella old.
I'm too old to say hella. There's an age limit.  [hand gesture]
You must be at least this young to say hella.
How old?  When I was a boy, I went to a one-cave schoolhouse.
How old? Back when I started using computers, we would hunt the
mastodon then use the tusks to punch IBM cards.  That old.

When I was a boy, my father beat me with a leather strap.  No, that isn't the funny part.  Here's a reference you might not get.  Did you see the Shawshank Redemption?  Good film.

The day after his funeral, I went back to the cemetery and danced on his grave.  Then I changed my name.  My mom knew when she died, I'd want to dance on her grave, too, but she wouldn't give me the satisfaction.  She left instructions to have herself cremated.  She knew you can't dance on an urn.  Believe me, I tried.  I knocked it over.  Then I had to vacuum her up.

Just an aside.  They had a trainee grief counselor working at the crematorium.  I asked if he was there on an "urn while you learn" program.  His face turned, for want of a better word, ashen.

You may have seen the TV ads.  Coming to San Francisco
a troupe of masturbating French acrobats, circle jerk du soleil.

Speaking of France,
When Occupy Wall Street stops being non-violent, they'll
order 10,000 Gillette brand Trac-II guillotines.  The
first blade will pull the head out just a little, so the second
blade can cut through cleanly, without leaving any
embarrassing neck stubble.  The aristocrat's head will look
its best when mounted, either on a wall or on a pike.  The
machines will be free, of course.  Gillette knows the money's
in the blades.

show at museum all summer in g g park.   this is a field trip report.
In the deserts of the southwest the gila monster is
a sluggish, poisonous lizard you have to practically
step on to get it to bite you.  but once it does it holds
on.  it doesn't have fangs, it doesn't strike like a snake,
it chews the venom into you.  And here's one thing most
people don't know.  Even if you cut off its head, the
nervous system will keep it biting.  It will chew poison into
you even after it's *dead*.  Let's talk about my mom.

George Carlin, The American Dream

Michele Bachmann. I can't say enough.

If Michele Bachmann is elected President, Americans will learn more.

Tens of millions, in fact, will learn more than the first two words of "O Canada."

Now that's a hug

In San Francisco, The California Academy of Sciences had a cold-blooded exhibition this summer on snakes and lizards.  Their TV ad featured a Curator wrapped by a 16-foot albino python, named "Lemondrop."  "Now that's a hug," the fellow said.

Here's something different.

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2011/07/snake-massage-spa-in-israel.html

I *like* snakes, especially when pronounced the Australian way, "Snaykes" (rhymes with "tykes').  What's your tyke on that, Might?

What the article doesn't mention is that the $80 includes a tasty snake sandwich, err, *steak* sandwich.

Snake, like revenge, is a dish best served cold.  - Klingon Proverb

I was reminded today of a philosophical quote from the 1968 Star Trek episode, "Spock's Brain." 

"Brain and brain.  What is Brain?"

My proposal for an official Mensa song: "Oh the wayward brain is a restless brain, a restless brain that yearns to ponder."  - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSPLSo3U46Q

It's like when I forgot my credentials and was challenged by security at the Portland Mensa convention this year.  "Badges? We don' got no badges.  We don' got to show you no thinking badges."  -"Treasure of the Sierra Madre"

I think it's time to go feed my brain some blood sugar.

Chow

Let's get Physics-cal

This is REALLY obscure, except to particle physicists. Go find one and watch the reaction :)

Scientists at CERN in Switzerland claim to have accelerated a neutrino to a speed faster than the speed of light.

The Higgs Bozo particle also goes faster than the speed of light, except it does it wearing clown shoes.

Comedian karma

I went to Molly's Bash at a club called Karma Fusion Lounge in Dublin, California, where an idea popped into my mind -- the Boy George 1983 classic song, "Karma Chameleon," but substituting "comedian" for "chameleon." I'll write out how it would go...

"Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Comedian."

The young lady expresses herself

When the 17-year old girl in a beginning Yoga class kept having unexpected results doing apanasana, her classmates dubbed her "Teen La Queefah."

Yes, it *is* a bit obscure.

My girlfriend

My girlfriend has a tramp stamp. It reads, "Do not over inflate."

Apparently, I need to explain that she's an *inflatable* girlfriend.

A blow to argumentation

Are those making specious arguments guilty of fallatio?

I guess I should explain. There's a similar word, "fellatio," with an "e." "Fallatio," with an "a" is based on "fallacy" and "fallacious arguments." Is that any clearer now?

CBS Daily Show -- Waiting Room

There was a story today about patients charging doctors for time spent in waiting rooms.

Sitting in a Urologist's waiting room, time moves so slowly you can practically HEAR it. "Dick-doc-dick-doc-dick-doc." I illustrate this by waving one hand and forearm as a metronome. Then I say, "For the reason *I* was there, however, it went like this." And then I swing it like a pendulum :)

2011 Happy Bush Year

I hate to get all political here, but we've had more tornadoes than in any year, more floods than in any year, and a nearly nation-wide heat wave that's killing dozens of people. Beyond that, the nation is about to go bankrupt because of (I say) the financial policies of the Bush administration.

So write back to me is you think I'm wrong in calling this the First Annual George W. Bush Killer Tornado, Torrential Flood and Incredible Heat Wave Year. Global climate change? Of course. It's only now that the planet is broken and the country is about to go to hell financially that we know to repeal the 22nd amendment and put Bush back in office. He's our hero. He didn't do anything wrong.

At least that's the nightmare I had.

"Mensa, etc." What it means

Mensa is an organization for people who have scored in the top 2% on standardized intelligence tests (e.g. they scored 131 or higher on an IQ test).

Their "AG" (Annual Gathering) is a national get-together. For some reason they frown on "Convention," "Conference," or other terms for their Regional or Annual "Gatherings."

This year, the AG was held during the end of June/beginning of July in Portland, Ore.

When I posted a request in the newsgroup to be a carpooler, I said I was a comedian but could suppress my humor by hanging my head out the window all the way. The entertainment chair offered me a spot in their After Hours room on the first night and I took it. I probably did 25 or 30 minutes in 2 chunks.

Did I forget to mention I'm a member? When I was young I was very smart. These days, not so much.

More to follow.

Mensa Portland 2011 AG

I *may* get into a larger description of what the title means in a different post. Suffice it to say I was performing for an audience of very bright people.

As I explained to them, I could do my regular (very funny) act or material I *never* do in clubs -- material suited to and written for *them.* I got them to agree to the latter set then launched into it.

I'll talk about that worked and what didn't later.

----------------

Hello, Smart People!
It's OK to say that, right? I'm a smart people, too.
My name is Rich Orwell and for the last 3 years I've been a stand-up comedian in San Francisco.

Before we go any farther, I'd like to acknowledge somebody who's been helping people from out of town via Yahoo get ready for the Portland experience. She's also been working tirelessly putting together the entertainment we'll all enjoy tonight and on other evenings during the AG. Please put your hands together for Joanne Reisman. (She got a big hand and stood to take a bow)
Here's another one.

========================
I talked about my bad (too short) haircut. Semi-funny.
hair
einstein w/male pattern baldness
bozo the clown
attorneys can work for me pro bozo
so less eccentric
vietnamese issues
not seen for 1 year
republican => storm trooper or hitler youth not join
but that's what happened to my hair
========================

And let me say this just once. I joined last year and nobody *yet* has come to teach me the secret handshake. And it's already been a problem.

My wife & I were challenged at the door because we forgot our credentials and I *didn't* know the handshake, so we ended up saying, "Badges? We don' got to show you no thinking badges." That was a long way to go for a Treasure of the Sierra Madre punchline, wasn't it.
========================

Thinking what to say tonight, I found myself in a quandary. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Then I realized I was in a *quarry*.

My choice was to do material I do every week or what I really *want* to do, the jokes I can't perform in comedy clubs.

PERFORM

who's been to live comedy shows? rules

I won't think you're applauding ME. I'll know that's happening when you rush the stage and (ladies only, please) tear off your clothes and throw roses. Did you know Portland is famous for its roses?

Famous Portland roses gardens are in Washington park, about 2 miles away. Near the zoo.

I wrote this Portland riddle:
Q; Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the horticulturist cross the roses?
A: To get to the other hybrid.
[Boos]
=====================
not an AG or an RG. (for 46 years) the only gathering I've known is
woolgathering

So I haven't spent much time around Mensans. Let me hear you if you like games, and sci fi, and movies, and TV, and Shakespeare, and history, and puns, but only really GOOD puns.

Jabba the Hut exercise program
lifestyle: athletic, active, not sedentary; sedimentary

mid-day on Saturday
Have Your Photo Taken with Star Wars Characters for a $5 Donation to Charity

walks with a limp dick
[yawns -- I think there were a lot of lick dicks in the room]
========================================
Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it. Glad? Only to die in bat-tle.
[good responses]
=====================
President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In the original Star Trek series, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one
[nothing]
========================================
Time passing in a Urologist's waiting room.
Dick-Doc Dick-Doc -- again, swinging it DOWNwards
[liked it\
=====================
for example
ENTERTAINMENT
angelina joLIP chris brown & rihanna
[nobody got it]

ENTERTAINMENT
Sheen's girls problem w/vocab
one looked like she could cross the atlantic affixed to the hull of a moving ship like a lamprey. You can't tell my audiences "lamprey."

[so what?]

Not just for mensans

Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? *You're* embarrassed??? I am mortarfied."
[ok]

ADULT
Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.
[no]

Thyroid cancer
--------------------------
Casablanca
stick neck out for nobody to stick
-------------------------------------------------
My wife hates me, I tell you.

My doctor was worried I might have cancer in my thyroid.
It turns out I'm fine, but to rule it out, I needed a biopsy.
When they stuck the needle in my neck, her voodoo doll screamed.
[ok]
=====================
PRESENTATIONS [these were bits that referred to scheduled presentations]
************************************************
Friday, July 1 9AM-10:15AM
How We are Scammed By Statistics
by Ed Zaccaro
A sigma is a "standard deviation" is a foot fetish.
A *non*-standard deviation is bestiality.
************************************************

ME / WIFE
Sunday, July 3 6:15pm
Minimizing Your Risk in the Next Apocalypse
I'm not bothered by this rapture business. This is my second marriage. I'm already enjoying the afterwife

FOOD
Sunday, July 3 10am
M-Chef SIG Meet & Greet

Bad Tapioca is Off Pudding [ok]

Did you hear about the banana
that worried about getting older?
(Distraught.) Overrot. [boos and applause]

the 1st time I heard about a grilled cheese sandwich I thought it was a *gorilla* cheese sandwich
The difference between making a grilled cheese sandwich and a gorilla cheese sandwich is that for one you have to milk the gorilla [ok]

If you order your food with
"No spit" or "Light Spit,"
You'll always get it with "Extra Spit." [ok]
************************************************
YOGA
A Yoga posture (we might learn in Ken's morning classes for the next few days) is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" (asana.) [nothing]
************************************************
Sunday afternoon
The Other Down Under
Enjoy slides and stories from Marcia and Steve's trip to New Zealand
The table wine is served at the Wellington (New Zealand) Military Academy is Mutton Cadet. [nothing]
************************************************
L'CHAIM
How about the Mossad's way of dealing with Nazis, the "Kurt Waldheimlich Maneuver"? It's a lot like the Heimlich Maneuver, except you do it, holding a knife. [ok]

>>>>>> The Jewish blessing that your daughter's eyebrows don't grow together, "brooke shields" [good]

Subject: Mood check
You can tell Bipolars' moods by having them spit into a glass of water. If it sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm-buoyant. [very good]

>>>>>> Pure Mensa

Imitation is *not* the sincerest form of flattery. "Drooling" is. [very good]

Don't Focus on the Minutiae. Take it with a Grain of Gestalt. [good]

Epistemology leads to Epistaxis [nothing]

Movies/TV
=============
Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hi, Homey, I'm Hun!" [ok]
=====================
Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and is performing at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland -- by the way, it's a 5 hour drive south of here. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it. [not]
=====================
>>>>>> I want to make a movie about the Iranian revolution but I can't find people to cast aspersions. [no]
=====================
Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more unto the breechcloth dear friends. Once more." [ok]

ENTERTAINMENT
>>>>>> a ballerina walks into a barre and bruises her thigh.
oh, that couldn't happen. it must have been Natalie Portman. [no. damn!]
=====================
ADULT
>>>>>>>>>>> My wife's response the first time I wished her a good night by saying, "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." was "We don't have bedbugs and I ALWAYS sleep tight. I do Kegels." [no. they were too old.]

ME
I take Cialis every day for E.D. The "moment was right" last week, but I slipped getting out of that damned bathtub [no. they don't watch TV)

ME
kate & william teeth
demand birth certificates. too white & too straight.
My family goes back to the Magna Carta -
1215 - now = 900 years
that's a lot of bad teeth
mine like every curry entree on an indian lunch buffet -- various shades of brown.
ETC. I whiten my teeth with Photoshop. (KILLED!)

ME
We're so poor, we're planning to cater my funeral *ourselves*. We're having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread, "pate de fois moi." Hannibal Lecter will stop by to have it with some fava beans and a nice chi-Yan-ti. (killed)

tell you why -- David
David was what we sometimes called a "Love Child." Actually, more of a "Summer of Love" child. moved in with us. severely limiting our
decades-long lifestyle choice of in-home nudity. [good]
------------------------------------------------------
ME / WIFE
on August 1st, Ladies & Gentlemen, my wife & I will celebrate our 30th anniv.
the credit doesn't go to me or her., it goes to the pope.
Italian catholic marriages really DON't end in divorce.
It's more likely my marriage will end with a bullet to the back of my head.[p]
and that could happen [ok]

in vitro corleone ... don petri [ok]
=====================
CLEVER
The dinosaur with the largest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.
Specifically a Thesaurus named Roget. [ok]
=====================
ME / WIFE
8/1/11 was 8/1/81.
Pretty clever of her, ehh. I remember her exact words. "You forget an anniversary like 8-1-8-1, and my uncle will break your kneecaps. Very sweet. [ok]
=====================

At the end of the days

After my performance at the AG in Portland Thursday night (6/30/11), I wrote this. It may be the funniest thing I wrote or told during the trip.

At her 4th of July party, my neighbor had boxes of Orange Creamsicles in ice chests. I hadn't had one since I was a kid. Wow! Amazing taste and texture. It must have taken me all of 5 seconds to eat it. So I took a second one. It disappeared in no time. I reached for a third one and realized I was working my way into a diabetic coma. It didn't matter. Kids came up to me and fought to get their little mitts on the Creamsicles. I fended them off.

I had to join a 12-stick program.

I Don' Got to Show You No Stickin' Badges

I hate wearing badges at conventions. Not the press-on sticky ones. Those are fine. I hate the ones I have to pin to my shirt. I'm clumsy and always end up with a nipple piercing.

I came up with a much better version of this while at the show.

Instead of saying something like, "*WE* don' got to show you no stickin' badges," I made it singular and related to security.

"I don' got to show you no thinkin' badges."

The change from stickin' to thinkin' works much better.

Finding my "Voice"

I've gotten more serious about Comedy. No, there's no contradiction. Whoever said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard," was right. [There is, BTW, some controversy about who said it first.]

I can be very funny one-on-one or one-on-small-group in an interactive, ad lib exchange. Being glib and having a repertoire of material make for the appearance of wit. Perhaps it's not merely "the appearance" of it.

That, however, has nothing (or certainly very little) to do with being a stand-up comedian. There are the writing of material, arranging it into "sets" (short acts), and developing the stage performing skills to deliver what you write. Very different from being entertaining to somebody you've just met.

And so I'm going to spend an hour (and some hard-earned money) with a coach next month. The object of the exercise will be to identify my "voice." What is the stage persona that will work best for me? Will there be different personae for different audiences? At my age (61), the audience will have certain expectations of me. Should I be professorial?

Should I be a dirty old man? A major problem being that young people find old men talking about sex to be "creepy."

Should I build a fresh act every day based on current events? That's what late night TV show hosts do (or rather what their writers do). But I'd run into the problem that many audience members don't: 1. read newspapers, 2. watch network news, or 3. watch CNN, MSNBC or Fox News. Many actually get their news from late night comedy shows.

I could just spew out brilliant puns, but they aren't funny. Some people won't get them (and resent me for it). Others will get them and say, "He's very clever." Being clever is not the same as getting the audience to laugh.

I probably have written 20-30 minutes of autobiographical material, but I'm not sure an audience would want to hear it.

Hence my need for some guidance.

But wait, there's more.

I have a database of 200 jokes I'd written up until I took a year off to work through some major health issues. I went through them and culled out 50 I didn't think were very good. The 150 remaining gags may or may not be very good, but I can string a variety of them together into things that works.

I've been getting back on stage again now for 3 months and wrote [some number of] new gags. In the last 2 days I went through the notes I made before each performance and
pulled together a comprehensive list of them. I'll determine how many new bits there are whilst I key them into the database. I plan to bring everything when I meet my coach -- who might hate me for it :)

I might even do what I've done before: post them to this blog.

Sarah Palin Visits Israel

In her credential-establishing trip outside the U.S., Sarah Palin is visiting Israel, She's already made some mistakes. She referred to the Prime Minister as "President Netangoogle." He immediately called his good friend at CBS, Bob Shieffer, to whom he said, "Holy Shiksa, Bob!"

Et tu, Reader?

Today, 3/15, is the Ides of March.

Why don't you go enjoy a nice Caesar Salad?

Charlie Sheen isn't so bad

This only works for people who've watched Soul Train, a show that started in the 1970's and ran for 35 years. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soul_Train Hosted and produced by Don Cornelius, I describe it as American Bandstand, but with people who had rhythm and could dance. I mean no disrespect to Dick Clark, but a high rating for a song because it "had a good beat and was easy to dance to" just indicated the white kids on stage weren't very talented dancers.

Anyway, so Martin Sheen says of his children, "Emelio is a good boy. And Charlie isn't such a bad boy. The real black sheep of the family is Afro Sheen."

You see Afro Sheen was a product From Johnson Products advertised on Soul Train every week.

Maybe you had to be there.

Slogan for Charlie Sheen

New slogan for Charlie Sheen: "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it."

One of my old lines

The difference between Dr Pepper and Mr Pibb is Biochemistry. If Mr Pibb hadn't flunked Biochemistry, he'd be a doctor, too.

This belongs on a T-shirt!

I ordered the first 2 T-shirts today that have things I wrote:

Think Globally
Act Locally
Go Hang Yourself

and

Take it with a
grain of
GESTALT

I need to decide if I want to sell them on the internet.

I also need to decide what other things to say.

I smiled just now

I performed 6 minutes of stand-up comedy tonight. It wasn't very good and I was the (something like) 15th out of 17 performers. The crowd had gone; only comics were left. It's tough to get those guys to laugh.

While browsing the web tonight, I thought of something I wanted to post. And so I came to this site and saw the two pictures of Starbuck I'd put up after he died. Despite the fact I miss him terribly every day, I smiled instead of bursting into tears. He would have liked my funny idea, too. Or, at least, he would have *pretended* to like it, just to humor me. He was a very good audience for comedy material. If his spirit is nearby, he'll be laughing when he reads this.

I saw an ad for Oxnard College in Ventura County (Southern California). I thought, "The way to get your Oxnard is to rub its belly."

Starbuck would have enjoyed the silliness. And then we would have played.