Bunjos, Festivus, 12/23/11

If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.
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not sure I can do this.  just learned
My wife is having an affair.
Some Native American guy.  My detective says she spends all her time with "Angry Birds."
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My mother was a shitty parent.  She never taught me the fundamentals, like brushing my teeth.  They'd be whiter if I was raised by wolves.  My teeth are the same color as every entree at an Indian lunch buffet. Brown, orange, yellow, gray.  But for the holidays I'm working on whitening them.  With Photoshop.

If you got those, congratulations on knowing tech stuff.  If you didn't, congratulations on having a life.
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For Xmas, my wife ordered me a big, new computer monitor.  delivered by fedEx.
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A man has a "mistress."  So what does a woman have?  Looked it up. A gigolo,  escort, "Pool boy," "Fitness trainer."  Naw.  I think it's like this.  A man has a "mistress."  A woman has an "orgasm."
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Festivus contest.  get my cards (with the improved teeth)

Tiger Woods won the Chevron Golf Tournament ((World Challenge Tournament)) three weeks ago  ((Sunday, 12/4)), his first in 2 years.  Asked how he would celebrate, he said, "It's early. I still have time to get in another 18 holes."  Write your own joke.

tiger  -- and the women were LINING UP
I'm not a HOLE, I'm a ho. ho, ho.  Merry Xmas.
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"My neighbors have 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too.  Symmetry."  A friend, barbara garber, heard that and started to sing, "Oh symmetry,  Oh symmetry, how even are your bran-ches."

- chuck e cheese's sign in Hayward
Religious moment:  The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"

I remember at Xmas I used to take my first wife shopping.  She was 4'11", still is, I guess.  When the marriage was ending I would lose her in the crowd at macys.
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A few years ago, I took a new job and started dating a woman there.  Yeah, I know.  At the Xmas party, I handed her a bottle of wine and said in a fairly loud voice, "Here, suck out this cork."

Then I got worried.  Was I being indiscrete?  Was it harassment?  Not a problem.  She *already* had a reputation for being a fabulous corksucker.

Anyway, she was hella drunk (is that the right way to say it?) and so she tried to do it, right there in front of everybody.  Chipped her tooth.  Screw top.
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Maybe I know why my wife is unhappy.  She likes it when I whisper her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.
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My parents divorced after 19 years. My first wife and I, 7 years. Our son David made it for 23  (he holds the record). We're all hoping my 20 year old granddaughter Rachel just screws a buncha guys.
Skips all that drama.  (fucks)

((decide to buy gift?))

Rachel is 20 now, all grown up. Studying acting and directing at the UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television (TFT).  Best school of its kind in the world. My friend Joe sent me an email that said, "You remember how you used to bounce Rachel on your knee?  She still likes to bounce."  I didn't understand, but clicked on the tiny link address link and I thought it said YouTube,  but it said YouPORN. [p]  Frequent visitors?   TITLE was disturbing -- On your knees, b-word that rhymes w/ witch.  OK.  What kind of practical joke was this?  First frame was on the screen already.  There was this big buff guy, sitting on the bed wearing only a white towel. A poster child for steroids, tattoos, and sloping foreheads.  I hit Play ... and in walks Rachel!  [[PAUSE!!]]  She's a little thing, takes after her grandma,
s dog @ macys
pigtails, a Catholic school girl's uniform.  You know,  the pleated plaid skirt, white blouse, white socks, and (I didn't stick around to see this, but I'm guessing) white panties.  I can only tell you how it starts.  I don't want to offend anybody, so I'll change the dialog a little.
[and she's a trained actress, so I can't match the way she sold her lines with body language & gestures & enunciation and the perfect volume]  OK. OK. She says to the guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding  night.  But I can Baloney you."   And I stopped the video.  I'm not going to watch my little Rachel doing that.

I decided NOT to send the email to her grandmother [p].  Or her mom [p] or dad. [p]  I didn't even send it to HER, because I knew she'd think I was being judgmental.  She expect me to call and ask, "How much did they pay you to baloney the gorilla?"  But I have to admit, as I was sitting there stunned, I was thinking, "What an actress.  She isn't even Catholic."

It's not like she knows much about kneeling.

And then I called Amazon dot com and ordered her a big, stuffed teddy bear.

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boomerang  David.  age 43.
Occupy Dad's house.  actually step-mom.
now he's using my PC, criticizing my choices of bookmarked porn
in our own home, we can't be nudists anymore
eliminated at-home nudism
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know what boomerang kids are?.
story abt homeless.  took him in 6 months ago.  now it's
His mom divorced me in 1975.

dating sites
he never outgrew being a pyro,  wants to date,
so he went to their support group site (come on baby)
now he uses their favorite dating site,
nor eharmony or chemisty.com, match.com
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- catheter story

I went to the movies yesterday and didn't even look at the sizes when I ordered popcorn and soda. I just said "the biggest ones."  20 bucks. [p] I swear the soda wasn't 64 ounces, or even 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  A gallon.

First mistake:

I could have said to the 16-year old kid behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures out what it's for.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked him, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p]  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and I got on with it. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god knows what they will do to you if you cross over into it) minimum wage employees only space and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my drink, somehow avoided a hernia, walked in and saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

opened 12/20  soda/catheter story
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tattoo segue to dolly...  has tramp stamp
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