This is a VERY loose collection of material. Some is categorized. Some just has keywords. In general, I'm considering using stuff that's at the top.
SEXUAL
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inflatable gf tramp stamp
[My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my Native American name, "Walks with a limp ... dick."]
male lover (mistress equivalent) he is called an "orgasm" -- angry birds
[geek. dweeb, nerd]
The morning after pill is called Plan B. Their ads talk about contraceptive failure -- you know, the condom breaks. They say, "If Plan A fails, there's Plan B." I say, ladies, if there's a chance you'll get pregnant, why don't you say, "Let's go outback tonight"? If you don't enjoy THAT, the "Plan B" I'd suggest is Oral B (and I don't mean the toothbrush).
rachel -- "I can Baloney you or U can put it in my Butterfinger."
skip all the movie action & just focus on the outfit
those acting classes are really paying off
Hickory Dickory Doc -- Revolutionary war dildo (PUN)
elixer of youth (PUN)
Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :) (PUN)
NO >>>>>>>>>> Have you noticed some words just SOUND dirty?
Take "innuendo", a snide insinuation. Here's an example. Imagine I'm holding a big butt plug. Where should I stick it? "Innuendo".
another dirty-sounding word, Agenda
get your mind in the gutter
Vagina sounds slick. Agenda sounds crowded.
XMAS
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xmas music is the all-powerful god's way of saying you don't have rhythm
At a Xmas party, I handed a girl a bottle of wine and said, "Here, suck out this cork." And then I worried I was being indiscrete. I didn't have to worry, though, she already had a reputation of being a fabulous corksucker. (SEX)
bo-tox, canine Nancy Pelosi. I mean I'm sorry, I'm a life long Liberal, and I come from San Francisco, which she represents, but her face looks like it's already been carved into Mount Rushmore.
vic secret
- this house in my neighborhood has all their decorations up. they've got 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too. symmetry. (PUN - GOOD)
Oh symmetry Oh symmetry how even are your bran ches barbara garber
- chuck e cheese's sign -- rohnert park --
Religious moment: The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"
TOPICAL
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I was willing to bend over backwards for my bank, but then they told me to bend over forwards.
tiger woods won chevron world challenge Sunday, 12/4. now he wants to get in 18 holes whenever he can. women are lining up. sorry. sexist. but did you see the women he was dating before?
Rod Blagojevich & Charlie Sheen coauthoring a new book "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it"
* Number #4 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.
* Number #3 - The way he treats women's skirts is underhanded.
* Number #2 - They say he's going to pull out.
- He told *me* he'd pull out, but then he got too excited.
* And the #1 Thing overheard in the ladies' washrooms at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.
OLD
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If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.
I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Summer of Love, back in 1967.
I smoked so much dope, I have a life-long case of the munchies. (or was it obvious?) I also got a *permanent* memory loss *and* I got old, so I decided to stop apologizing for using notes.
I snorted so much coke I got a deviated septum *and* a deviated personality.
[hippie $5/photo]
It took me a while to get started because I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Haight Ashbury during the summer of love 1967. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. I bet if you all climbed on a truck scale, I smoked more dope than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.
Anybody here tonight under 30? I'll be 60 in December. Please, I need the pity. [a] So, I've been under 30 TWICE. The first time was way better, because as a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw. The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it.
mastodons
one-cave schoolhouse
by the time my wife was born French Hospital -- they were using ELECTRIC lights GOOD
green mold on wonderbread
dog olders -- puppy makes old dog younger
hefner
guess one of the problems of getting old
- insurance geico - ereptile dysfunction (& dick-doc) (PUN)
- stoneridge mall -- "getting lucky" means when I leave, I can find the car
- memory -- so now, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. spontaneity (GOOD)
So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me Dumbshit.
- funeral, pate de fois moi (1991) (GOOD)
I'm getting to be so old, my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're broke, so we'll do the catering ourselves. Grind my liver into a tasty cracker spread. "Pate de fois moi." Hannibal Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs" will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice ChiYANTi. f-f-f-f-f-f. Hello, Clarice.
STORY
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catheter (GOOD)
PARENTS
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gila monster --
the Gila monster is a poisonous lizard that lives in the Arizona and New Mexico deserts. it doesn't have fangs like a snake, it chews its poison into you slowly. and once it has a grip on you, it never lets go. even after you cut off its head, the nervous system keeps biting. That's right, it will chew venom into you even after it's *dead*.
===========================
dance on grave <<
urn (GOOD)
My mother never taught me the fundamentals. I'd have whiter teeth if I was raised by wolves.
And they don't floss. I'm working on it. Whitening my teeth. With Photoshop. (GOOD)
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YES tofurkey (STORY)
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boomerang children -- David moved back in
in-house nudity
eyes water, nose water, forehead, head, full body, convulsions, death
they really *liked* my aftershave -- KBS, no wash chin
Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :)
AA batteries 69 position
cockroach extra spit
sedentary
I don't Exercise: My wife practices Kegels, so at night I never have to wish her, "Sleep tight."
garbanzo beans mangoes standing up
thesaurus (PUN)
stapleton until 1995. attacked
I studied martial arts
gentle way, way of empty fist, way of the Way of unifying with life energy
do-si-do
crab louie
cherry pie Eastwood
gender -- hidden agendas
1/2 chicken sandwich -- OLD
republican, stop sign
crows -- cable cars
horticulturist roses
bipolar
popeye 73 virgins
zi-PLOK
4th of July
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Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf from 40 years ago. After we broke up, she became a call girl. Now, hear me out. Yes, I AM a sex god. It's like I coached an amateur before she turned pro.
She's very patriotic. On the 4th of July she gives free oral sex to any uniformed svcman she meets -- while humming the Star Spangled Banner. Makes 'em come to attention. Don't boo.
Actually, she likes any guy in uniform. Next year she'll be working the Boy Scout Jamboree. She gives GREAT merit badge.
grand for grandma
coke
she's gonna graduate summa cum-shot.
pave way, waive pay
e-i-e-i-o
swanson TV dinners
mammogram machine
I have comedy in my blood. My ancestor was a female court jester named "Lois the Fool". She INVENTED the pun. The king liked puns so much, one day he declared, "From this day forward, let it be known that the Pun is the Lois form of humor."
OLD MATERIAL
*** When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.
When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top so now I ALWAYS screw up. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
frozen choco banana
If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. That shit MELTS. Those chocolate stains don't come out. You'll have a hard time explaining to the next visitors that you aren't incontinent. And, no the incontinent isn't Europe.
pepper/pibb biochemistry
angelina jolip
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Very few people know Superman is Jewish. You know Superman isn't circumcized, right? He was supposed to be. But when Krypton exploded, his father Jar-el sent him here in a rocketship, still Intact.
Even Lois Lane never guessed. Let me tell you why. His parents Jor-El and mother Lara, following Jewish tradition, had scheduled the "bris", his ritual circumcision, for 8 days after their son was born.
And then, wouldn't you know it, his home planet of Krypton was about to explode. Don't you just hate it when that happens?
So his father Jor-El sent him in a rocketship to Earth, where under our yellow sun no blade can sever his "super-foreskin." The giant "S" on his chest is actually a warning label. It stands for [p] "Smeg-man." I'm sorry. Was that cheesy?
Under the yellow sun on earth, bullets can't harm him and no blade can sever his super foreskin. I hope he practices good hygiene, or else it wouldn't be like when you see a fast car on the street. You wouldn't wanna know what's under the hood. ... Super gunk.
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LMNOP (PUN)
[clinton tattoo]
Paula Jones said she could PROVE Bill Cliinton exposed himself to her because she saw something "different" about his anatomy. Breaking years of silence, she's announced what it was. "It's a tattoo in a very unusual place", she said. "I only caught a brief glimpse of it when he dropped his pants, but I think was the name of his favorite college teacher,
Prof Hilton. When asked to confirm the story, Monica Lewinsky laughed. Apparently she got to look at it, ummm, longer. SHE says it reads,
Property of Hillary Clinton
I was in bed with this girl, who said she was a little "kinky". And asked me if I was into "watersports". I guess I'd led a pretty sheltered life. I thought she meant water POLO. So I asked her, "In water polo, how you get the horses into the pool?" Big mistake. You should have seen the look on her face. And then she explained what she wanted to do. You should have seen the look on MY face.
Hard to imagine now, and I don't mean to boast, but I used to be a sort of a stud muffin. Ran 5 miles every day. Studied martial arts. Was a ski bum in the winter. I mean, in my 20s I was a fuckin bronze god. Lemme give you an example. Ladies, don't you hate it when the guy finishes, rolls over, and falls asleep? When I was 25, I'd wake up with one woman, have a nooner with another, and was up all night having sex with a third. After doing that for a while I was so tired, one night I finished and fell asleep without rolling over. When I say "I fell asleep on her" I mean I fell asleep ON her. Man, was she pissed!
labia menorah
hitachi magic wand -- tennis ball sized vibrating surface
trying to get off an elephant -- or maybe a rhino
how do you ...?
off putting (PUN)
cosmo airplane -- how feel (GOOD)
COSMO -- taboo sex has *shrunken* head (GOOD)
xaviera collender
"sit on my facebook"
69 -- bit parts
If you DO decide to try watersports, think about the shower head.
Be careful. Even experts can drown doing shower head.
so, am I jewish? strict rule about mother. even though I went to Hebrew school, never had bar mitzvah. so NOT jewish, unless you;re willing to bend the rules, like if you're a Nazi. (GOOD)
Redwood Road dog
NO >>>>>>>>> crow canyon shoulders 12 miles
POLITICAL
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-Expecting Republicans to pass anything is like you're in your car, you pull up to an intersection and you wait for the stop sign to change.
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