Comedy frustration #1

I have a collection of jokes and ad lib puns so obscure that I stopped telling most of them. I worry that I may grow hair on my tongue from self-amuse. A lot of them rely on the listener being sufficiently old or educated to have "common ground" with me. Do you mind if I share a few with you?

Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hey, Homey, I'm Hun!"

Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more into the breechcloth dear friends. Once more."

Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and began performing Shakespeare in the park. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it.

The dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.

I overheard an intelligent vegetable opine, "I sweet potato, therefore I yam."

One of my earliest ancestors was a court jester. In fact, the first FEMALE court jester, named "Lois the Fool." She INVENTED the pun. The King was so amused that one day he decreed, "From this day hence, let it be known that the pun is the Lois form of humor."

Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia on vacation to Paris. When she asked what the extra appliance in the bathroom was, he replied, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet. ... That's all folks!!!"

George Orwell wrote 1984. He was opposed to circumcision, calling it "mutilation" and unnecessary for hygiene. He thought, "Ignorance is bris."

[R-rated] The uncut version of one famous fairytale is "Rumpleforeskin."

[R-rated] Superman was sent in a rocketship from Krypton to Earth before he could be circumcised. The giant "S" emblem is actually a warning label. It stands for "Smegman." <= sorry, a bit risky, risque and cheesy.

Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.

Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it.

The headquarters of Toyota USA and Honda USA are in the same town just south of the Los Angeles airport. It's ironic the Japanese attack on the US auto industry is launched from Torrance! Torrance! Torrance!

George Washington was "First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of His Countrymen." You probably can't say this in Austin, but George W. Bush, the man they call "Duh-ya", was "WORST in War, WORST in Peace, and WORST in the Hearts of His Countrymen."