Now that Fiat is entering into a global relationship with Chrysler, they will be changing their name to Caveat.
[Editor Update! I first posted this on 4/30/09. Now, a week later, on 5/7, in an attempt to clarify it for those who didn't understand it before, I am amending it.]
The new company's first model will be called the "Emptor." So, if you're thinking of buying a Chrysler, Caveat Emptor.
If it STILL doesn't make sense, search on Google for "Caveat Emptor" -- please.
I actually told this on stage during my comedy set Monday night. It got ONE laugh. [sigh] I should have picked an audience of ancient Romans.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Comedy Frustration #3
Q: What table wine is served at the Wellington (New Zealand) Military Academy?
A: Mutton Cadet.
I thought a major attraction at Disneyworld in Orlando should have been named "Zelda". After all, it was designed by Epcot Fitzgerald.
Did you hear about that female Israeli spy, Matzoh Hari?
How about the Mossad's way of dealing with Nazis, the "Kurt Waldheimlich Maneuver"? It's a lot like the Heimlich Maneuver, except when THEY do it, they're holding a knife.
We went out to dinner last night, but the food wasn't very good. I should have known. Next to the sign that says "We reserve the right to refuse service to anybody." they have one that says "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anybody."
While in Hawaii, Ravi Shankar attended a luau, where he heard the ukulele for the first time. When his host asked how he liked the music, he answered, "Close, but no sitar."
A: Mutton Cadet.
I thought a major attraction at Disneyworld in Orlando should have been named "Zelda". After all, it was designed by Epcot Fitzgerald.
Did you hear about that female Israeli spy, Matzoh Hari?
How about the Mossad's way of dealing with Nazis, the "Kurt Waldheimlich Maneuver"? It's a lot like the Heimlich Maneuver, except when THEY do it, they're holding a knife.
We went out to dinner last night, but the food wasn't very good. I should have known. Next to the sign that says "We reserve the right to refuse service to anybody." they have one that says "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anybody."
While in Hawaii, Ravi Shankar attended a luau, where he heard the ukulele for the first time. When his host asked how he liked the music, he answered, "Close, but no sitar."
The Little Crab
[I call this a "Shaggy Crab Story". It requires having lived during the era when people often ate things like Shrimp Cocktails.]
A little crab living off San Francisco's Ocean Beach had heard from his father that the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus features a "Human Cannonball", a man who allows himself to be loaded into the mouth of a cannon and fired across the circus floor into a net. The little crab was fascinated by the account and waited his whole life until the circus came to town. He snuck out of the ocean and up the beach in the very early hours of Saturday morning (because there were fishermen all around during the daytime) and climbed under a seat on the bus to ride to the circus venue. He had to transfer twice, but had learned by heart the map of the bus system and arrived safely at the big top before dawn. He snuck under the edge of the tent, crawled under the bleacher-style seats, and slept until the crowd started to arrive for the Saturday matinee show.
As the circus was about to begin, the ringmaster came out to greet the crowd. "LAYYY-DEES and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, the Greatest Show on Earth! Before we begin, I have an announcement to make. The human cannonball called in sick, and so we won't be showing that particular entertainment today -- unless, of course, one of you wants to volunteer to be shot out of a cannon." The crowd laughed.
The little crab was terribly disappointed, and seeing nobody else was going to volunteer, scuttled out from under the seats, raised his claw, and shouted, "I'll do it."
This was a big surprise to everyone, including circus management. They wheeled out a roll-top desk and their attorney, who proceeded to have the crab sign away all liability rights before they'd let him do it. The crowd waited anxiously as they loaded the little crab into the cannon. The ringmaster had the crowd count down, "THREE - TWO - ONE" and pulled the lanyard.
The crowd knew the sound of a Human Cannonball was a loud "Ka-BOOM", but wasn't expecting the sound of a Crustacean Cannonball, a loud ...
"Crab LOUIE!"
[Again, in order to appreciate the story, one really ought to know a Crab Louie has shredded crab meat.]
A little crab living off San Francisco's Ocean Beach had heard from his father that the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus features a "Human Cannonball", a man who allows himself to be loaded into the mouth of a cannon and fired across the circus floor into a net. The little crab was fascinated by the account and waited his whole life until the circus came to town. He snuck out of the ocean and up the beach in the very early hours of Saturday morning (because there were fishermen all around during the daytime) and climbed under a seat on the bus to ride to the circus venue. He had to transfer twice, but had learned by heart the map of the bus system and arrived safely at the big top before dawn. He snuck under the edge of the tent, crawled under the bleacher-style seats, and slept until the crowd started to arrive for the Saturday matinee show.
As the circus was about to begin, the ringmaster came out to greet the crowd. "LAYYY-DEES and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, the Greatest Show on Earth! Before we begin, I have an announcement to make. The human cannonball called in sick, and so we won't be showing that particular entertainment today -- unless, of course, one of you wants to volunteer to be shot out of a cannon." The crowd laughed.
The little crab was terribly disappointed, and seeing nobody else was going to volunteer, scuttled out from under the seats, raised his claw, and shouted, "I'll do it."
This was a big surprise to everyone, including circus management. They wheeled out a roll-top desk and their attorney, who proceeded to have the crab sign away all liability rights before they'd let him do it. The crowd waited anxiously as they loaded the little crab into the cannon. The ringmaster had the crowd count down, "THREE - TWO - ONE" and pulled the lanyard.
The crowd knew the sound of a Human Cannonball was a loud "Ka-BOOM", but wasn't expecting the sound of a Crustacean Cannonball, a loud ...
"Crab LOUIE!"
[Again, in order to appreciate the story, one really ought to know a Crab Louie has shredded crab meat.]
Comedy frustration #2
My wife's response the first time I wished her a good night by saying "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." was "We don't have bedbugs and I ALWAYS sleep tight. I do Kegel exercises."
The corollary to "Physician heal thyself" is "Surgeon suture self." (Sometimes written as "Suit yourself")
The difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb can best be explained by molecular biology. If Mr. Pibb hadn't flunked molecular biology, he'd be a doctor, too.
I went to the online dating service "match dot com", but they rejected me. I think it's because I told them my hobby was playing with matches.
I thought with a name like "match dot com" they'd understand. I even sent a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said, "I just like to tie women up and play with them ... a little. Like until they beg me to stop telling them puns."
If you don't have the time or inclination to do the rigorous fact checking to write expository prose, and you get writers' block, simply state unsupported assumptions instead. SUPPOSITORY prose really gets the shit on paper in a hurry.
Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.
You know the Alphabet Song, the one that begins "A-Bee-Cee-Dee-E-Eff-Gee"? Do you know what Uric Acid is? LMNOP.
If you want to test the mood of your bi-polar friends, have them spit into a glass of water. If the spit sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm buoyant.
I was once almost burgundied on a desert island. I was lucky. I was nearly plum marooned.
A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor.
President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In Star Trek, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one
They've invented a spaghetti strainer that actually sucks the water out of the pasta. They call it the Xaviera Colander. <= this requires knowing Xaviera Hollender wrote the "Happy Hooker" or that she was a sex advice columnist for Penthouse Magazine.
Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I am mortarfied."
Q: IF "Dog" backwards is "God" and "TUMS" backwards is "SMUT", what is "Nissan" backwards (and No, the answer ISN'T "Nassin")?
A: Pink Flamingos. Pink Flamingos all have their knees on backwards.
If you don't like litter box odor, use Litter Green -- this requires 2 people, one to hold the cat and the other to force-feed it Litter Green. Then it will poop a limitless supply of Certs.
A Yoga posture is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" asana.
The corollary to "Physician heal thyself" is "Surgeon suture self." (Sometimes written as "Suit yourself")
The difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb can best be explained by molecular biology. If Mr. Pibb hadn't flunked molecular biology, he'd be a doctor, too.
I went to the online dating service "match dot com", but they rejected me. I think it's because I told them my hobby was playing with matches.
I thought with a name like "match dot com" they'd understand. I even sent a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said, "I just like to tie women up and play with them ... a little. Like until they beg me to stop telling them puns."
If you don't have the time or inclination to do the rigorous fact checking to write expository prose, and you get writers' block, simply state unsupported assumptions instead. SUPPOSITORY prose really gets the shit on paper in a hurry.
Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.
You know the Alphabet Song, the one that begins "A-Bee-Cee-Dee-E-Eff-Gee"? Do you know what Uric Acid is? LMNOP.
If you want to test the mood of your bi-polar friends, have them spit into a glass of water. If the spit sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm buoyant.
I was once almost burgundied on a desert island. I was lucky. I was nearly plum marooned.
A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor.
President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In Star Trek, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one
They've invented a spaghetti strainer that actually sucks the water out of the pasta. They call it the Xaviera Colander. <= this requires knowing Xaviera Hollender wrote the "Happy Hooker" or that she was a sex advice columnist for Penthouse Magazine.
Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I am mortarfied."
Q: IF "Dog" backwards is "God" and "TUMS" backwards is "SMUT", what is "Nissan" backwards (and No, the answer ISN'T "Nassin")?
A: Pink Flamingos. Pink Flamingos all have their knees on backwards.
If you don't like litter box odor, use Litter Green -- this requires 2 people, one to hold the cat and the other to force-feed it Litter Green. Then it will poop a limitless supply of Certs.
A Yoga posture is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" asana.
Comedy frustration #1
I have a collection of jokes and ad lib puns so obscure that I stopped telling most of them. I worry that I may grow hair on my tongue from self-amuse. A lot of them rely on the listener being sufficiently old or educated to have "common ground" with me. Do you mind if I share a few with you?
Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hey, Homey, I'm Hun!"
Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more into the breechcloth dear friends. Once more."
Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and began performing Shakespeare in the park. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it.
The dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.
I overheard an intelligent vegetable opine, "I sweet potato, therefore I yam."
One of my earliest ancestors was a court jester. In fact, the first FEMALE court jester, named "Lois the Fool." She INVENTED the pun. The King was so amused that one day he decreed, "From this day hence, let it be known that the pun is the Lois form of humor."
Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia on vacation to Paris. When she asked what the extra appliance in the bathroom was, he replied, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet. ... That's all folks!!!"
George Orwell wrote 1984. He was opposed to circumcision, calling it "mutilation" and unnecessary for hygiene. He thought, "Ignorance is bris."
[R-rated] The uncut version of one famous fairytale is "Rumpleforeskin."
[R-rated] Superman was sent in a rocketship from Krypton to Earth before he could be circumcised. The giant "S" emblem is actually a warning label. It stands for "Smegman." <= sorry, a bit risky, risque and cheesy.
Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.
Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it.
The headquarters of Toyota USA and Honda USA are in the same town just south of the Los Angeles airport. It's ironic the Japanese attack on the US auto industry is launched from Torrance! Torrance! Torrance!
George Washington was "First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of His Countrymen." You probably can't say this in Austin, but George W. Bush, the man they call "Duh-ya", was "WORST in War, WORST in Peace, and WORST in the Hearts of His Countrymen."
Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hey, Homey, I'm Hun!"
Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more into the breechcloth dear friends. Once more."
Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and began performing Shakespeare in the park. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it.
The dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.
I overheard an intelligent vegetable opine, "I sweet potato, therefore I yam."
One of my earliest ancestors was a court jester. In fact, the first FEMALE court jester, named "Lois the Fool." She INVENTED the pun. The King was so amused that one day he decreed, "From this day hence, let it be known that the pun is the Lois form of humor."
Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia on vacation to Paris. When she asked what the extra appliance in the bathroom was, he replied, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet. ... That's all folks!!!"
George Orwell wrote 1984. He was opposed to circumcision, calling it "mutilation" and unnecessary for hygiene. He thought, "Ignorance is bris."
[R-rated] The uncut version of one famous fairytale is "Rumpleforeskin."
[R-rated] Superman was sent in a rocketship from Krypton to Earth before he could be circumcised. The giant "S" emblem is actually a warning label. It stands for "Smegman." <= sorry, a bit risky, risque and cheesy.
Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant Shalom.
Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it.
The headquarters of Toyota USA and Honda USA are in the same town just south of the Los Angeles airport. It's ironic the Japanese attack on the US auto industry is launched from Torrance! Torrance! Torrance!
George Washington was "First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of His Countrymen." You probably can't say this in Austin, but George W. Bush, the man they call "Duh-ya", was "WORST in War, WORST in Peace, and WORST in the Hearts of His Countrymen."
Swine flu
This epidemic of influenza has everybody scared. So much so that Rush Limbaugh has fled the country. I wonder where the swine flu.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Middle-East Problem -- SOLVED!
Texas wants to secede. Fine. We give it to the Israelis and Palestine to the Palestinians. Floridian Jews can move to an equally warm, but less hurricane-prone climate in Texas, where there's oil and a lot more land than in Israel (and no angry Arabs). The new state of Israel will protect our border from drug smuggling, illegal immigration, AND the spread of non-Kosher swine flu. Plus, we don't have to bother prosecuting Bush as a war criminal -- they can do it for us. The only problems are (1) the Israelis who don't want to move and (2) the Texans who don't want to move. I say it's in the world's best interests for them to move, so f--- 'em, we make them do it anyway. Good idea?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Comedy!
In the 21st century, I have been on stage a total of 30 minutes so far. I might not have the 10 years it takes to succeed in this business, so I'm talking as fast as I can in hopes I can succeed in only 10 DOG years.
I've decided to start posting jokes, puns, videos, etc.
This will take considerable time, as I have written hundreds of pieces of material (or "dreck").
Look for the Label "comedy" in future posts.
I've decided to start posting jokes, puns, videos, etc.
This will take considerable time, as I have written hundreds of pieces of material (or "dreck").
Look for the Label "comedy" in future posts.
From April 15th
On MSNBC's Rachel Maddow show, she couldn't stop laughing about the campaign to send tea bags to government officials as a protest of high taxation. There are "Tea Bag Parties" being held today in many cities, led by Conservative politicians or media figures, supposedly akin to the Boston Tea Party. Rachel laughed each time she quoted somebody saying "Teabag Obama" or "Teabag Your Congressman", etc. She didn't explain that "Teabag" is a slang sexual term, but I Googled it to find its meaning. I couldn't believe what it said. In fact, I thought it was a balled face lie.
Awesome!
I must have been one heck of a kick-ass web site designer to get that "Name That Tune!" post to work correctly [pats self on back].
Name That Tune!
Do you remember the rebus puzzles at the end of the TV show "Concentration"?
See if you can guess this song lyric. [Hint: note the position of the Viagra light switch]
See if you can guess this song lyric. [Hint: note the position of the Viagra light switch]
S+
V+
B+
+
- "a"Remember to take the final "a" sound off at the end
A hint: It's French
An almost final hint: Should be sung at the White House
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Bush Presidency
Bush says, “History will judge my presidency.” Has it been long enough yet? The news media euphemism for Bush was “not intellectually curious.” But Democrat Paul Begala on CNN called him “a high-functioning moron.” That’s a lot more accurate. A smart man will integrate new facts into his world view. Bush, on the other hand, despite all evidence to the contrary, STILL maintains his belief that “farm” is spelled “E-I-E-I-O.”
Resolved!
One of my New Year's resolutions was to see a slender waist when I looked in the mirror. I knew I'd have to work hard to lose the weight. Today I bought a Fun House mirror. What a time saver!
(Sh*t) Free at Last!
The best part of President Barack Obama's inauguration was at the end, when Bush's helicopter took off, flew away & disappeared in the distance. I thought, "After 8 years of national constipation, at last the sh*t is gone."
Jello, World!
Zabout time, ehh? My name is Rich Orwell. I'm an OLD computer guy. I used mastodon tusks to punch IBM cards. I wrote computer programs whose entire purpose was to put the words "Hello, World!" on a printer or computer screen, just to prove I could do it, because it was considered difficult. I've forgotten more about computers than you will ever know, but it doesn't matter -- what I learned is obsolete & irrelevant now. I actually KNEW the dinosaur with the biggest vocabulary, the Thesaurus. I'll write more later. It's time now to take my Geritol and Metamucil. After that, I think I'll spend 10 minutes, or so, trying to remember my wife's name, then straight to bed!
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