Sebastopol, Jan. 4, 2012

A good set, just for after New Year's.  Almost all new.
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Yeah.  I can't believe he's that old either.  Or that he refers to himself in the 3rd person.  But isn't he splendid in his aging, bad grammartude?

Happy New Year! How we doing on resolutions?  (hand up/down) UP no smoking, drinking, dope.  DOWN. less masturbating?  UP *more* masturbating? maybe lose weight? start exercising?  just after the 1st of the year, outside my local 24 Hour Fitness, the ambulances line up like taxis, waiting for the heart attacks. [whistle] "Where to?" 'He's got a Kaiser card.' No, I'm *not* kidding.  You can't make this stuff up.

For 2012, I made a resolution and become an ovo-lacto vegetarian (ask if there are any). Only applaud if you feel the love.  and I plan to stick with it -- couldn't start off being a vegan (we all know that means, right?  no meat, eggs or dairy) just couldn't do it cold tofurkey.  turkey flavored tofu. <<<(emailed Oregon story.)>>>"veges know it. grow customer base by adding carnivores who've never heard of tofu.  try FauxTurkey.  add tag line, "like turkey. only better for you." they emailed back they *like* the name.  Tried again.  I suggested TWO names + tag line. no response.  screw 'em.   always fail start ovo-lacto-//more protein fisho-chicko//turkey is a big chicken and tofurkey tastes like crap, so -turko// slippery slope to -beefo-porko-sheepo-insecto.  Same place I started -- except, as my wife reminded me, no ducko. Yep, for 40 years made the same resolution.  always seduced by the power of the dark side of the bacon.   not ridiculing vegetarians.  they are right, just not pushy about it.  maybe because not poisoned by hormones fed to meat animals.  unlike religious zealots and members of political parties.  THOSE people are pushy.
Why Notes?  No brain energy to learn tonight's material.  I'm a diabetic, haven't balanced my blood sugar, so the brain isn't working right quite yet.

Wife made me take her to my last carnivore meal on new year's eve.  romantic lighting.  Just a small candle.  Waitress says: What can I bring you to start? I said, a lantern ... or a menu in braille.

Resolution to make wife happier.  She's always liked it when I say her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, before we start I have to take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.  And then to read it I have to leave the light on.  So she's looking at a walrus, wearing a nightcap and reading glasses.

One more resolution.  This year I'm going to whiten my teeth... with Photoshop.
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xmas parties: I once dated a woman at work.  Yeah, I know. Dumbshit.  Not just any woman.  My secretary.  At the Xmas party, when everybody was hammered, I handed her a bottle of wine and and said, "Here, suck out this cork."   And she was OK with that.  She was drunk.  Then I worried if I was ruining her reputation.  No problem, she *already* had a reputation in the company for being a fabulous corksucker.