Rooster T. Feathers competition

I have the preliminary round of a competition next Wednesday, 3/7/12.  Here are some notes I'm using to get ready.  Two are just Titles, the rest are full text.  There are a LOT of new / topical / political bits.  I like to live on the edge.


Cracker
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Lots of places in the country are experiencing an unseasonably hot winter.
Coming this April, H&R Sunblock.
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Here's a question.  When was the last time you changed AA batteries?  One faces one way.  The other faces the other way.  They're pushed right up against each other.  Am I the *only* pervert who's thinking 69?

((((((((((((((((((( recognizes that position? [p] Horny little bastards. I envy them. Their sex life is more energetic than mine & lasts longer, too.  They just keep going and going.  Like bunnies.  Those Lithium-Ion guys.  Keep me awake all night. ))))))))))))))))))
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Disneyland has opened the first ride in its new area, Vaginaland.  Nothing but trouble.  The men say they have to wait too long and the women say the ride's too short.
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First, thank you for coming out to support live comedy.  We know you could be home watching TV [p] or Internet porn [p].

My name is Rich Orwell and I'm old.

Ever lose a lot of weight - donate your fat clothes to charity - put the weight back on?  [point]  Sweat pants.

How old am I?   I don't try to pick up women any more.  When *I* get lucky, I find the car.

Almost didn't make it here tonight.  These gas prices!  I had to go on craigslist and sell a kidney.  OK, my wife's.

Once in a great while [p] I can remember having sex.

When I was young, the nicest woman I ever dated was a school teacher.  She never complained about premature ejaculation. She called it "an Incomplete."

(((((((( I was reading to my granddaughter. ))))))) "4 and 20 blackbirds, baked in a pie."  Who thinks "blackbirds" when you hear "4-20?"  If you don't know "4-20," go back 45 years.
1967, San Francisco, .  I was a hippie.  Yep.  The real deal.  I used to have a *full head* [shake] of shoulder-length hair.  I know you've probably never seen a real hippie.  So, if you like, after the show, for $5, you can have your picture taken with me.  For just $5 more, you get a signed, "That guy was a hippie" certificate of authenticity.  Suitable for framing.

I've been married 30 years, but now *I've* got a mistress.  Very sexy.  She has a 'tramp stamp.' I bet you've seen those.  A lower back tattoo just above her butt crack.  You know, they can be anything.  Words, artwork.  My gf's tramp stamp says, 'Do not over inflate.'  Did I mention she's an *inflatable* girlfriend? ... she's in my bag
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You may have noticed I don't smile much. Comics are supposed to smile.  Look good.  Make friends with the audience. [p] My mother never taught me how to brush my teeth.  I know.  Thanks, mom.

They're stained the color of every entrée on an Indian lunch buffet.  Some of you know what I mean.  Brown and gray and yellow and green and red.

I bought the strips.  I'm going to whiten my teeth. I'm going to whiten my teeth [p]
with Photoshop.

Vote for me. Keep me out of the rest home, please.  I'm Rich Orwell.

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Republicans are angry that blacks got an extra day for Black History Month.  If they win in November, they plan to cut February to *21* days.  [p] Add a one-week mini-month called either: Mitt-ember, Gingrich-uary, or Santorum[p]pty-Dumpty.  (the other nursery rhyme!)

After a rough spring and summer, Santorumpty-Dumpty wants to have a great fall.
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I don't think we can ignore Super Tuesday.

Did you watch those debates?  I *know* for an old man to talk about politics is boring and sex is *creepy*.  I'll see if I can de-creepify it.  Those Republican candidates are like dildos.  Anatomically correct but inanimate objects always ready to screw us.

And you ladies understand this ... Democrats at least will talk to you, maybe buy you dinner. Afterwards stroke your hair.  Call you.  Have the courtesy to vibrate.  Republicans don't do that.

The symbol for the Republican Party shouldn't be the elephant or the rhino.  It should be that *other* pachyderm, the hippo-crit.
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That's all for politics.  I promise.
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Here's a tough one.  If a married man's lover is a "mistress,"  what do you call a married *woman's* lover?   A man has a mistress.  A *woman* has [p] an "orgasm."  "This is my orgasm, Roberto."  
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Or down in San Jose, watching that troupe of masturbating french-canadian acrobats, circle jerk du soleil.
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????? I took my cane to the movies. The couple behind me was talking, so I turned around and said, "Please ...?"  The guy had a pistol in his belt.  Fixed *him*, though.  Made him leave.  He couldn't *stand* the smell of asparagus. ?????

eieio

My friend David is a Pyromaniac. Yes, he is.  Looking for a date.  Not on chemistry dot com or eHarmony dot com.  Pyromaniacs prefer [p] match dot com

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Yeah, I'm getting older.  I went to the doctor Monday. The receptionist said, "He's running behind." I said, "I know all about that.  I'm taking Imodium AD."