Catheter Story

I am coming to the conclusion I should just write these things instead of performing them.

This piece, for instance, runs for a very long time.  While it gets lots of laughs, it is as far from a "set-up/punchline" format as possible.  There are 2 inserted pieces of optional text.

I went to see "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" just after the first of the year,  because I wanted that Movie Theater experience.  A first run feature on a big screen while surrounded by hundreds of strangers carrying germs medical science cannot cure.  The people sitting immediately behind you have life issues *so* important they must discuss them *during* the movie.   And then, when you turn around to complain, the guy lifts his shirt and shows you his hand gun.  And what runs down your leg only feels warm for a few seconds.  *That* was the experience I wanted.
+++++++
There should be metal detectors in movie theaters. I can be a little nasty.  So when I turned around and said, "Would you mind keeping it down?"  The guy pulled a gun.  You know, it only [gesture] feels warm for a minute.  But I made him leave.  He couldn't stand the smell of asparagus.
+++++++
After I bought my ticket, I went to the Concession Stand.

Do you know why they call it the "Concession Stand"?  It's because when you go there, you've admitted defeat.  You've given up.  You've conceded. You'll pay whatever outrageous prices they charge.  You might as well lie on your back, put your paws in the air and hope they don't come at you with one of those desiccated 3-days on the roller dog grill hot dogs, but if they do, you pray they use lots of that no-cow-was-involved butter flavored popcorn topping for lube.

I was thinking about that, with my head hanging down, moving toward the counter in that Disneyland shuffle, and didn't even look at the prices and sizes.
****************
I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.
****************
I didn't even look at the prices and sizes.  I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.  I ordered a beverage without caffeine, because I have tremendous respect for my body.  I just ordered "the biggest" popcorn and soda. 15 bucks. [p] The popcorn came out in a box as big as a small waste basket. I was in awe of it's hugeness the way both of my wives had been the first time they saw me naked. The kid brought out the soda. He was holding it in two hands.  It wasn't half a gallon.  I think it was a *gallon*.

 I was wondering how I would carry both the soda and the popcorn and get the cup into that tiny germ laden armrest cupholder when the kid asked if I would like some help to my seat.  My snacks would have their own valet.  He was looking at me like "Would you kindly step aside" when I came to my senses.  I *could* have asked,

"Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe it would have been funny. We could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I pee through my dick, he pees through his dick, I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures it out.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p] And I have to give him credit.  Even after being flogged into mental submission by what was probably 12 years in public school, he still was curious.  He replied, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Oh, you unsuspecting young person.

What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walked away.  But somehow it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and began. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god-knows-what-they-will-do-to-you-if-you-cross-over-into-it) minimum-wage-employees-only space, he's holding up his hands as though to push me away and not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  And as another kid is carrying my refreshments ahead of me into the theater, I looked over my shoulder.  The kid  still was crouched behind the popcorn machine.