Bunjos, Festivus, 12/23/11

If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.
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not sure I can do this.  just learned
My wife is having an affair.
Some Native American guy.  My detective says she spends all her time with "Angry Birds."
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My mother was a shitty parent.  She never taught me the fundamentals, like brushing my teeth.  They'd be whiter if I was raised by wolves.  My teeth are the same color as every entree at an Indian lunch buffet. Brown, orange, yellow, gray.  But for the holidays I'm working on whitening them.  With Photoshop.

If you got those, congratulations on knowing tech stuff.  If you didn't, congratulations on having a life.
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For Xmas, my wife ordered me a big, new computer monitor.  delivered by fedEx.
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A man has a "mistress."  So what does a woman have?  Looked it up. A gigolo,  escort, "Pool boy," "Fitness trainer."  Naw.  I think it's like this.  A man has a "mistress."  A woman has an "orgasm."
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Festivus contest.  get my cards (with the improved teeth)

Tiger Woods won the Chevron Golf Tournament ((World Challenge Tournament)) three weeks ago  ((Sunday, 12/4)), his first in 2 years.  Asked how he would celebrate, he said, "It's early. I still have time to get in another 18 holes."  Write your own joke.

tiger  -- and the women were LINING UP
I'm not a HOLE, I'm a ho. ho, ho.  Merry Xmas.
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"My neighbors have 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too.  Symmetry."  A friend, barbara garber, heard that and started to sing, "Oh symmetry,  Oh symmetry, how even are your bran-ches."

- chuck e cheese's sign in Hayward
Religious moment:  The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"

I remember at Xmas I used to take my first wife shopping.  She was 4'11", still is, I guess.  When the marriage was ending I would lose her in the crowd at macys.
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A few years ago, I took a new job and started dating a woman there.  Yeah, I know.  At the Xmas party, I handed her a bottle of wine and said in a fairly loud voice, "Here, suck out this cork."

Then I got worried.  Was I being indiscrete?  Was it harassment?  Not a problem.  She *already* had a reputation for being a fabulous corksucker.

Anyway, she was hella drunk (is that the right way to say it?) and so she tried to do it, right there in front of everybody.  Chipped her tooth.  Screw top.
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Maybe I know why my wife is unhappy.  She likes it when I whisper her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.
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My parents divorced after 19 years. My first wife and I, 7 years. Our son David made it for 23  (he holds the record). We're all hoping my 20 year old granddaughter Rachel just screws a buncha guys.
Skips all that drama.  (fucks)

((decide to buy gift?))

Rachel is 20 now, all grown up. Studying acting and directing at the UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television (TFT).  Best school of its kind in the world. My friend Joe sent me an email that said, "You remember how you used to bounce Rachel on your knee?  She still likes to bounce."  I didn't understand, but clicked on the tiny link address link and I thought it said YouTube,  but it said YouPORN. [p]  Frequent visitors?   TITLE was disturbing -- On your knees, b-word that rhymes w/ witch.  OK.  What kind of practical joke was this?  First frame was on the screen already.  There was this big buff guy, sitting on the bed wearing only a white towel. A poster child for steroids, tattoos, and sloping foreheads.  I hit Play ... and in walks Rachel!  [[PAUSE!!]]  She's a little thing, takes after her grandma,
s dog @ macys
pigtails, a Catholic school girl's uniform.  You know,  the pleated plaid skirt, white blouse, white socks, and (I didn't stick around to see this, but I'm guessing) white panties.  I can only tell you how it starts.  I don't want to offend anybody, so I'll change the dialog a little.
[and she's a trained actress, so I can't match the way she sold her lines with body language & gestures & enunciation and the perfect volume]  OK. OK. She says to the guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding  night.  But I can Baloney you."   And I stopped the video.  I'm not going to watch my little Rachel doing that.

I decided NOT to send the email to her grandmother [p].  Or her mom [p] or dad. [p]  I didn't even send it to HER, because I knew she'd think I was being judgmental.  She expect me to call and ask, "How much did they pay you to baloney the gorilla?"  But I have to admit, as I was sitting there stunned, I was thinking, "What an actress.  She isn't even Catholic."

It's not like she knows much about kneeling.

And then I called Amazon dot com and ordered her a big, stuffed teddy bear.

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boomerang  David.  age 43.
Occupy Dad's house.  actually step-mom.
now he's using my PC, criticizing my choices of bookmarked porn
in our own home, we can't be nudists anymore
eliminated at-home nudism
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know what boomerang kids are?.
story abt homeless.  took him in 6 months ago.  now it's
His mom divorced me in 1975.

dating sites
he never outgrew being a pyro,  wants to date,
so he went to their support group site (come on baby)
now he uses their favorite dating site,
nor eharmony or chemisty.com, match.com
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- catheter story

I went to the movies yesterday and didn't even look at the sizes when I ordered popcorn and soda. I just said "the biggest ones."  20 bucks. [p] I swear the soda wasn't 64 ounces, or even 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  A gallon.

First mistake:

I could have said to the 16-year old kid behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures out what it's for.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked him, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p]  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and I got on with it. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god knows what they will do to you if you cross over into it) minimum wage employees only space and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my drink, somehow avoided a hernia, walked in and saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

opened 12/20  soda/catheter story
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tattoo segue to dolly...  has tramp stamp
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Prepare to be dazzled

A bigger version of one of my pictures.

Some of my past & present bits

This is a VERY loose collection of material.  Some is categorized.  Some just has keywords.  In general, I'm considering using stuff that's at the top.

SEXUAL
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inflatable gf tramp stamp

[My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my Native American name, "Walks with a limp ... dick."]

male lover (mistress equivalent) he is called an "orgasm" -- angry birds

[geek. dweeb, nerd]

The morning after pill is called Plan B.  Their ads talk about contraceptive failure -- you know, the condom breaks.  They say, "If Plan A fails, there's Plan B."  I say, ladies, if there's a chance you'll get pregnant, why don't you say, "Let's go outback tonight"?  If you don't enjoy THAT, the "Plan B" I'd suggest is Oral B (and I don't mean the toothbrush).

rachel -- "I can Baloney you or U can put it in my Butterfinger."
skip all the movie action & just focus on the outfit
those acting classes are really paying off

Hickory Dickory Doc  -- Revolutionary war dildo  (PUN)

elixer of youth  (PUN)

Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :)  (PUN)

NO >>>>>>>>>> Have you noticed some words just SOUND dirty?
Take "innuendo", a snide insinuation.  Here's an example.  Imagine I'm holding a big butt plug.  Where should I stick it?  "Innuendo".

another dirty-sounding word, Agenda
get your mind in the gutter
Vagina sounds slick.  Agenda sounds crowded.


XMAS
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xmas music is the all-powerful god's way of saying you don't have rhythm

At a Xmas party, I handed a girl a bottle of wine and said, "Here, suck out this cork."  And then I worried I was being indiscrete.  I didn't have to worry, though, she already had a reputation of being a fabulous corksucker.  (SEX)

bo-tox, canine Nancy Pelosi.  I mean I'm sorry, I'm a life long Liberal, and I come from San Francisco, which she represents, but her face looks like it's already been carved into Mount Rushmore.

vic secret

- this house in my neighborhood has all their decorations up.  they've got 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too.  symmetry.  (PUN - GOOD)

Oh symmetry  Oh symmetry how even are your bran ches  barbara garber


- chuck e cheese's sign  -- rohnert park --
Religious moment:  The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"


TOPICAL
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I was willing to bend over backwards for my bank, but then they told me to bend over forwards.

tiger woods won chevron world challenge Sunday, 12/4.  now he wants to get in 18 holes whenever he can.  women are lining up.  sorry.  sexist.  but did you see the women he was dating before?

Rod Blagojevich & Charlie Sheen coauthoring a new book "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it"

* Number #4 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.

* Number #3 - The way he treats women's skirts is underhanded.

* Number #2 - They say he's going to pull out.
                    - He told *me* he'd pull out, but then he got too excited.

* And the #1 Thing overheard in the ladies' washrooms at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.


OLD
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If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.

I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Summer of Love, back in 1967.
I smoked so much dope, I have a life-long case of the munchies. (or was it obvious?)  I also got a *permanent* memory loss *and* I got old, so I decided to stop apologizing for using notes.
I snorted so much coke I got a deviated septum *and* a deviated personality.
[hippie $5/photo]
It took me a while to get started because I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Haight Ashbury during the summer of love 1967.  I'm available for photos after the show.  Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. I bet if you all climbed on a truck scale, I smoked more dope than you all weigh.  Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.

Anybody here tonight under 30?  I'll be 60 in December. Please, I need the pity. [a]  So, I've been under 30 TWICE.  The first time was way better, because as a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection.  Now I wake up with a flex-straw.  The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw.  Ladies, you know what I mean?  The bad news is that she won't do it.

mastodons

one-cave schoolhouse

by the time my wife was born French Hospital -- they were using ELECTRIC lights  GOOD

green mold on wonderbread

dog olders -- puppy makes old dog younger
hefner

guess one of the problems of getting old
- insurance geico - ereptile dysfunction  (& dick-doc)  (PUN)
- stoneridge mall -- "getting lucky" means when I leave, I can find the car
- memory -- so now, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. spontaneity (GOOD)
So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute.  She calls me  Dumbshit.

- funeral, pate de fois moi (1991) (GOOD)
I'm getting to be so old, my wife and I are planning my funeral.  We're broke, so we'll do the catering ourselves.  Grind my liver into a tasty cracker spread.  "Pate de fois moi." Hannibal Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs" will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice ChiYANTi. f-f-f-f-f-f.   Hello, Clarice.


STORY
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catheter (GOOD)

PARENTS
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gila monster --
the Gila monster is a poisonous lizard that lives in the Arizona and New Mexico deserts.  it doesn't have fangs like a snake, it chews its poison into you slowly.  and once it has a grip on you, it never lets go. even after you cut off its head, the nervous system keeps biting.  That's right, it will chew venom into you even after it's *dead*.
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dance on grave  <<>>
urn (GOOD)

My mother never taught me the fundamentals.  I'd have whiter teeth if I was raised by wolves.
And they don't floss.  I'm working on it.  Whitening my teeth.  With Photoshop. (GOOD)
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YES  tofurkey  (STORY)

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boomerang children -- David moved back in
in-house nudity

eyes water, nose water, forehead, head, full body, convulsions, death

they really *liked* my aftershave  -- KBS, no wash chin

Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :)

AA batteries 69 position

cockroach extra spit

sedentary

I don't Exercise: My wife practices Kegels, so at night I never have to wish her, "Sleep tight."

garbanzo beans  mangoes standing up

thesaurus  (PUN)

stapleton until 1995.  attacked

I studied martial arts
gentle way, way of empty fist, way of the Way of unifying with life energy
do-si-do

crab louie
cherry pie Eastwood
gender -- hidden agendas

1/2 chicken sandwich -- OLD

republican, stop sign

crows -- cable cars

horticulturist roses

bipolar
popeye 73 virgins

zi-PLOK

4th of July
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Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf from 40 years ago. After we broke up, she became a call girl.  Now, hear me out.  Yes, I AM a sex god. It's like I coached an amateur before she turned pro.
She's very patriotic.  On the 4th of July she gives free oral sex to any uniformed svcman she meets -- while humming the Star Spangled Banner.  Makes 'em come to attention.  Don't boo.
Actually, she likes any guy in uniform.  Next year she'll be working the Boy Scout Jamboree.  She gives GREAT merit badge.

grand for grandma

coke

she's gonna graduate summa cum-shot.

pave way, waive pay

e-i-e-i-o

swanson TV dinners

mammogram machine

I have comedy in my blood.  My ancestor was a female court jester named "Lois the Fool".  She INVENTED the pun.  The king liked puns so much, one day he declared, "From this day forward, let it be known that the Pun is the Lois form of humor."

OLD MATERIAL
*** When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.
When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top so now I ALWAYS screw up.  Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

frozen choco banana
If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. That shit MELTS.  Those chocolate stains don't come out. You'll have a hard time explaining to the next visitors that you aren't incontinent.  And, no the incontinent isn't Europe.

pepper/pibb biochemistry

angelina jolip

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Very few people know Superman is Jewish.   You know Superman isn't circumcized, right?  He was supposed to be.  But when Krypton exploded, his father Jar-el sent him here in a rocketship, still Intact.

Even Lois Lane never guessed.  Let me tell you why. His parents Jor-El and  mother Lara, following Jewish tradition, had scheduled  the "bris", his ritual circumcision, for 8 days after their  son was born.

And then, wouldn't you know it, his home planet of  Krypton was about to explode.  Don't you just hate it  when that happens?

So his father Jor-El sent him in a rocketship to Earth,  where under our yellow sun no blade can sever his  "super-foreskin."  The giant "S" on his chest is actually  a warning label.  It stands for [p] "Smeg-man."   I'm sorry.  Was that cheesy?

Under the yellow sun on earth, bullets can't harm him and no blade can sever his super foreskin.  I hope he practices good hygiene, or else it wouldn't be like when you see a fast car on the street.  You wouldn't wanna know what's under the hood. ... Super gunk.

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LMNOP  (PUN)

[clinton tattoo]
Paula Jones said she could PROVE Bill Cliinton exposed himself to her because she saw something "different" about his anatomy.  Breaking years of silence, she's announced what it was.  "It's a tattoo in a very unusual place", she said. "I only caught a brief glimpse of it when he dropped his pants, but I think was the name of his favorite college teacher,
Prof Hilton.  When asked to confirm the story, Monica Lewinsky laughed.  Apparently she got to look at it, ummm, longer.  SHE says it reads,
Property of Hillary Clinton

I was in bed with this girl, who said she was a little "kinky".  And asked me if I was into "watersports". I guess I'd led a pretty sheltered life.  I thought she meant water POLO.  So I asked her, "In water polo, how you get the horses into the pool?" Big mistake.  You should have seen the look on her face.  And then she explained what she wanted to do. You should have seen the look on MY face.

Hard to imagine now, and I don't mean to boast, but I used to be a sort of a stud muffin.  Ran 5 miles every day.  Studied martial arts.  Was a ski bum in the winter.  I mean, in my 20s I was a fuckin bronze god. Lemme give you an example.  Ladies, don't you hate it when the guy finishes, rolls over, and falls asleep?  When I was 25, I'd wake up with one woman, have a nooner with another, and was up all night having sex with a third.  After doing that for a while I was so tired, one night I finished and fell asleep without rolling over.  When I say "I fell asleep on her"  I mean I fell asleep ON her.  Man, was she pissed!

labia menorah

hitachi magic wand -- tennis ball sized vibrating surface
trying to get off an elephant -- or maybe a rhino
how do you ...?

off putting  (PUN)

cosmo airplane -- how feel  (GOOD)

COSMO -- taboo sex has *shrunken* head  (GOOD)

xaviera collender

"sit on my facebook"

69 -- bit parts

If you DO decide to try watersports, think about the shower head.
Be careful. Even experts can drown doing shower head.

so, am I jewish?  strict rule about mother.  even though I went to Hebrew school, never had bar mitzvah.  so NOT jewish, unless you;re willing to bend the rules, like if you're a Nazi.  (GOOD)

Redwood Road dog

NO  >>>>>>>>> crow canyon shoulders  12 miles

POLITICAL
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-Expecting Republicans to pass anything is like you're in your car, you pull up to an intersection and you wait for the stop sign to change.

Best birthday message

My friend, Comedian Bob Lieberman, speaks American Sign Language. He sent a birthday greeting: "HB, R!"
Rich Orwell: Thanks :) What's that look like in ASL, Bob?
Bob Lieberman: I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Rich Orwell: It would more deadly if you were holding nunchucks.

Company Xmas party

Many years ago I broke all the "don't shit where you eat" rules and had an affair with a woman at work. I won't say any more than that, respecting her privacy.  I did something less discrete, though, at the company Xmas party.

I handed her a bottle of wine and said, "Here, why don't you suck out this cork?"

It turns out I didn't have to worry about her reputation.  She already was known as a fabulous corksucker.

Catheter

I went to the movies and ordered the usual $20/worth of popcorn and soda and I swear to god the soda wasn't 64 ounces, it wasn't 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  So here's where I made my first mistake.  I could have said to the 16-year old boy behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or at least he hears the word and figures it out.  But I didn't.  I asked him, "Does this come with a catheter?"  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"

Here's where I made my second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania (something akin to Hunter S. Thompson on drugs) it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him.  So I picked up and unwrapped a straw, and I proceeded.  And in a few seconds this curious kid who had been leaning on the counter is backing away and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my popcorn and my hernia-inducing soda and went into the theater, secure in the knowledge I had destroyed yet another young mind.

Squirmin' Cain

Herman Cain material while he's still running.  Feel free to use these around the water cooler.

• Number #7 - He SAYS he'll withdraw, but at the last minute he loses control.
• Number #6 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.
• Number #5 - He wants us to treat him like royalty. We're supposed to say Yes, your GOPness.
• Number #4 - He admitted last week some of his dealings with women have been underhanded,  specifically when he deals with skirts
• Number #3 - I heard his nickname in college was "I swear to God -- it will taste like candy"-Cain.  That only works one time.
• Number #2 - I think he's a Don Juan-a-be.
• And the #1 Thing overheard in the washroom at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.