From My Stand-Up Set 5/4/09

[From an "open mic" night at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, CA. I've left out parts that required physical humor, some things I already posted to this site, some segues and location-specific material. The downside? You don't get to see me perform it. The upside? You don't have to buy drinks.]

I'm getting to be so old that "getting lucky" means when I leave the mall I can find my car.

I went to match dot com but they rejected me. Apparently they didn't like that I listed one of my hobbies as "playing with matches." You'd think with a name like that they'd be more sympathetic.

I'm bipolar. It's like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna kill yourself.

This swine flu thing is all over the news. I didn't perform here last week. I got into a little trouble. I was wearing my swine flu mask in line at the ATM, but the line was moving really slowly, so I went INTO the bank. Think about it. Wearing a mask in a bank. Never mind.

Rush Limbaugh got scared and left the country. He's broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder where the swine flu.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Disney has come out with a Hanna Montana swine flu kit for girls. It has a bar of soap, a surgical mask, and a stethoscope. It not only prevents the swine flu but something called the "Miley Virus."

The governor of Texas wants to secede. I say give Texas to the Israelis. Think about it. No illegal immigrants will get into the U.S., the Israelis get some oil, and none of that swine flu gets in here from Mexico. It isn't kosher.

The Obama presidency still has that new car smell. You know what I mean. And it feels good to watch that dial roll from 99 to 100 days on the Obameter.

Bo the dog is settling in nicely at the White House. He's already more comfortable on all fours in the oval office than Monica Lewinsky.

Where are my dog owners? You know when your dog turns his head to one side and raises his eyebrows when he's confused? Bo doesn't do that. His last name is Tox. [oause] Botox. I gotta get better material. Who writes this crap?

You know Superman isn't circumcised, right? He was supposed to be, but his father Jar-El sent him in a rocket ship to Earth when Krypton was exploding, and under our yellow sun, no instrument can cut his super foreskin. He's gotta be careful or else his super junk will get super gunk. They tell us to keep our material clean up here. It's like what Lois Lane says to Superman, "I'll let you do anything you want, only you gotta keep it clean."