Liz Cheney

Dick Cheney's daughter, Liz, is a passionate defender of her father's "Enhanced Interrogation" methods, methods many call "torture." She attended McLean High School in McLean, Virginia, where the sports teams are called the "Highlanders." That kinda reminds me of the movie "Braveheart" with Mel Gibson. Do you remember how it ends? With Gibson's Scottish character, William Wallace, publicly being tortured to death by the English. You know those bumper stickers that say things like, "Proud Parent of an Honor Student at Nearby Elementary"? I wonder if Dick Cheney had one that said, "My Child was Student of the Draw and Quarter at McLean High."

Sonia So-to-ma-YOR gets the Bum's Rush

Rush Limbaugh has a problem with Supreme Court justice nominee Sonia So-to-ma-YOR.

Looking at him, I don't think he has any problem with Os-car-Ma-YER.

'Cause Rush Lim-baugh ... has a way ... with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Whenever I hear Limbaugh, I think, "HA!" Not just because it's the sound of a sharp laugh, but because it's the abbreviation for "Horse's Ass."

Bill Moyers' Journal

I watched Bill Moyers' Journal last night. It was about torture done to detainees at Gitmo, Abu Ghraib, and CIA "black" prisons overseas. There is a VERY long list of members of the Bush administration I'd like to see sentenced to life in prison for war crimes. A "Truth Commission"? Absolutely, followed by international trials for violations of American law and the Geneva Conventions ... perhaps held in Nuremburg.

1984-tissimo

Getting ready for another foot surgery Wednesday, I was telling a nurse my name, medical history & conditions, allergies & prescriptions for the umpteenth time. I bet I told 3 or 4 nurses plus my anesthesiologist the same facts. They were very thorough. One nurse asked if I was related to the the author, George Orwell. I said not everybody was as well-read as she, so I just tell people (especially in medical offices) it's "Orwell, as in 'Are you sick OR WELL?'" We talked about my having changed my last name when my father died and bemoaned how few books the younger generation reads. She told me about being on a plane, rereading "Brave New World", when a teen asked her what it was about. "Is it a book about ecology?" he asked. I suppose we should give him credit for having the curiosity to ask. I told her, "Yep, it's another 'Silent Spring.'" I guess Uncle George and Aldous Huxley are no longer relevant.

Dino Might

At the grocery store check-out, the high school-aged girl bagging asked, "Paper or plastic?" I said, "I guess I'll kill a tree, not a dinosaur." To which she replied, "Huh?" I said, "You know, dinosaurs became oil that became plastic." She said, "No, there couldn't have been that many dinosaurs." Jaws dropped.

The bagger next to her looked stunned and my checker asked her, "Didn't you go to 6th grade?"

And to think, some people complain about the quality of our public schools.

On getting older and sicker

I'll admit I haven't thought about this very much, but there are words you never want to hear your doctor say when reporting test results.

• Malignant
• Inoperable
• Incurable
• Irreversible
• End-stage
• Terminal
• Degenerative

I guess I'm lucky. Most of my problems are complications of Diabetes. Degenerative. No joke, but not immediately life-threatening.

Please comment if you know other grim words or want to talk about how to deal with hearing them.

Tonight's Open Mic was Canceled ...

[Tonight's open mic was canceled in observance of Memorial Day. Here's part of what I was going to say, adjusted to use next Monday, June 1st, so you're getting a sneak peek. Some of this was used the last time I was on stage, on 5/4. This runs for quite a while. Depending on how much stage time they give me, I may leave out big chunks of it until some following week.]

I hope you'll excuse me if I sit in one spot. I just had another surgery on my left foot last Wednesday (I think it's the 5th one). [sigh] The doc said I had to wear something I could take off over the bandages, so I bought this nifty bathing suit. Like it? A-lo-ha.

I missed the show here on May 11th. I choked on some food that afternoon & had to get a Heimlich Maneuver. Yes, I choked, no joke. You all know the Heimlich? I'm sure the wait staff all does. You stand behind the choking victim, reach around with both arms and grab onto your fist, then pull sharply in and upwards, dislodging the stuck food. Simple and effective. I'll understand if you're too young to remember, but back in the 70's the Secretary-General of the U.N. was an Austrian named Kurt Waldheim. Anybody heard of him? In the 80s he went on to be elected President of Austria. During that election campaign, it came out that he had been a Nazi during World War II. The Israeli Secret Service, the Mossad, invented something called the Kurt Waldheimlich maneuver. It's like the Heimlich, but they do it holding a knife.

You probably noticed I'm using flash cards, too. My memory is for s--- anymore. Too much weed in the 60s plus getting old since then. You know you're getting old when "getting lucky" means you leave the mall and can find your car.

[insert here bit that uses a digital recorder]

Welcome to the 38th thru ??? minute of my stand-up career. Someday, when I'm famous, you can say, "I was there back when when he sucked. If it takes 10 years to get good, I'm so old I may not make it. So I'm trying to do it in 10 DOG years. Anybody in here under 30? I've been under 30 TWICE. Believe me, the 1st time's better.

If you're under 30, this may not be as important. I was there BEFORE the t-shirt I'm wearing meant anything. It's a Fathers' Day shirt from Big Dogs that says, "*I* am your farter." - Bark Vader. Last Monday, May25th, was historic. It was the 32nd anniversary of the opening of Star Wars in 1977. [extend toy light saber]. OK. OK. I like to play with toys. Sure I'm almost 60, but I have the emotional maturity of a 4-year old. (Why do you think I'm up here?) Yes, I like to play with things.

I went to the online dating site match dot com, but they REJECTED me because I listed one of my hobbies as playing with matches. With a name like match dot com I thought they'd be more tolerant. I even sent them a clarification. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac," I said. "I just like to play with the women you'll match me with. Tie them up -- a little. Make them beg. Say thinks like, 'You can do anything you want to me as long as you stop telling me those awful jokes.'"

Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. [This continues on my adult material blog at rhetorich-rx.blogspot.com, but you'd better be an adult if you plan to visit there.]

Anyway, with the new Star Trek movie out, I guess people are thinking less about Star Wars and more about Star TREK. Where are my Trek fans? Have you seen the movie yet? Awesome, right? The first episode of the original Star Trek TV show aired in September of 1966, the same year I graduated high school. I'd come in every week to watch it after a hard day of hunting mastodons. Yes, I *am* that old.

I saw the movie in IMAX across the street on opening day [there's a movie multiplex just down the road from Tommy T's]. Now, don't get me wrong. I love doing stand-up here. But I got the most laughs walking up and down the line of people waiting to see the movie, telling the same Star Trek riddle. You wanna hear it?

Q: What brand of plastic sandwich bags do Klingons prefer? [hold a zip-loc bag up for audience to see]
A: zi-PLOK.

[insert here something from "My first national TV coverage" post below]

I mentioned dog years before. Any dog lovers her? My dog turned 12 last April 9th. That's 84 in dog years. April 9th is also the birthday of Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Magazine guy, who turned 83. Almost the same age as my dog. The difference is my dog can lick himself, but Hef has 19-year old blonde twins named Karissa and Kristina Shannon who do that for him. I'm not kidding. You can see the pictures on Wikipedia.

[more Adult material goes here from rhetorich-rx.blogspot.com]

[I close with more material from my 5/4/09 set]

Good night.

The Play's the Thing

I CAN'T be the first to think of this, can I?

The actors auditioning for "Waiting for Godot" were at the casting director's Beckett and call-back.

Mick Jagger on illegal imprisonment

I can't GITMO satisfaction. I can't GITMO satisfaction. But I try, and I try, and I try, and I try. I can't GITMO. No no no

My first national TV coverage

This is funny on a number of levels.

CNN, the 24-hour news channel, has a show called "CNN Newsroom" featuring Rick Sanchez. He accepts Twitter comments during the show that his producers read. They put the ones they like on the bottom of the screen during the show. The ones they REALLY like go on a screen for him to read aloud. After Dick Cheney's and Obama's speeches today about national security, I sent a tweet.

So here it is -- they showed it and had him real it aloud today ...

rhetorich@ricksanchezcnn "Keep the prisoners shackled to the walls," said Dick Chainey.

After he read it, he said "Spelled Cheney wrong, by the way."

He totally missed that it was a Tom Swifty. So I sent him this follow-up (which DIDN'T show up on air).

rhetorich@ricksanchezcnn "Dick Chainey" WASN'T misspelled. It was a Tom Swifty, like "I've struck oil,' said Tom crudely. Shackled - Chainey. Hello?

The producers, apparently STILL liking the original tweet, showed it AGAIN at the bottom of the screen a few minutes later. At least THEY got it. I'm hoping some of the viewers did, too.

Michell, Dumb Belle

Not to get all political here, but ...

I wear a lot of T-shirts from a company in Santa Barbara, California, named Big Dogs (bigdogs.com). The shirts are printed with graphics that have a lot of "attitude." If I were visiting with Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-Minnesota), I'm not sure which one I'd wear. Here are a few examples:

I'm not saying you're stupid, but I'm thinking it.

I'd like to help you ... but I just can't fix stupid.

I'm trying to see things your way, but I can't get my head that far up my butt.

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

Shhh! That's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

Stupidity isn't a crime, so you're free to go.

Did I forget to mention how I feel about Michelle Bachmann? I think it's a good thing that all the citizens of the country have representation. That includes the stupid, the ignorant, the bigoted, the religious fanatics and all those who share a lack of "intellectual curiosity" that might otherwise lead them to an enlightened and accurate view of reality.

The Beatles wrote a song called "Michelle" that begins "Michelle, Ma Belle." I think it might fit Michelle Obama. What would fit Michelle Bachmann, however, would be titled "Michelle, Dumb Belle." I can picture Sarah Palin using dumbbells to strengthen her biceps. I think she could use Michelle Bachmann to strengthen her deranged world view. They are the future of the Republican Party. They're made for each other.

From My Stand-Up Set 5/4/09

[From an "open mic" night at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, CA. I've left out parts that required physical humor, some things I already posted to this site, some segues and location-specific material. The downside? You don't get to see me perform it. The upside? You don't have to buy drinks.]

I'm getting to be so old that "getting lucky" means when I leave the mall I can find my car.

I went to match dot com but they rejected me. Apparently they didn't like that I listed one of my hobbies as "playing with matches." You'd think with a name like that they'd be more sympathetic.

I'm bipolar. It's like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna kill yourself.

This swine flu thing is all over the news. I didn't perform here last week. I got into a little trouble. I was wearing my swine flu mask in line at the ATM, but the line was moving really slowly, so I went INTO the bank. Think about it. Wearing a mask in a bank. Never mind.

Rush Limbaugh got scared and left the country. He's broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder where the swine flu.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Disney has come out with a Hanna Montana swine flu kit for girls. It has a bar of soap, a surgical mask, and a stethoscope. It not only prevents the swine flu but something called the "Miley Virus."

The governor of Texas wants to secede. I say give Texas to the Israelis. Think about it. No illegal immigrants will get into the U.S., the Israelis get some oil, and none of that swine flu gets in here from Mexico. It isn't kosher.

The Obama presidency still has that new car smell. You know what I mean. And it feels good to watch that dial roll from 99 to 100 days on the Obameter.

Bo the dog is settling in nicely at the White House. He's already more comfortable on all fours in the oval office than Monica Lewinsky.

Where are my dog owners? You know when your dog turns his head to one side and raises his eyebrows when he's confused? Bo doesn't do that. His last name is Tox. [oause] Botox. I gotta get better material. Who writes this crap?

You know Superman isn't circumcised, right? He was supposed to be, but his father Jar-El sent him in a rocket ship to Earth when Krypton was exploding, and under our yellow sun, no instrument can cut his super foreskin. He's gotta be careful or else his super junk will get super gunk. They tell us to keep our material clean up here. It's like what Lois Lane says to Superman, "I'll let you do anything you want, only you gotta keep it clean."