COBO 1/28/12

This is the set I did at Comedy Off Broadway Oakland on 1/28.


thank you for coming out to support local comedy.  if you're looking forward to some fun this evening, give yourselves a hand.
If you're thinking, "I can't believe how old that guy is," me, either.

not an old pro. only been doing this a couple of years.
Let me tell you a bit about me.

Times were simpler when I was a boy.  There was no Attention Deficit Disorder, A.D.D.  There was "Go to the vice principal's office."  I did that a *lot.*

In 1965  heard a bill cosby album and said that's what I want to do Parents, "You're 15.  Go do your Homework."  Slowed me down.

I'm a native San Franciscan.  (others.  worst = zombies - awful)  In 1967, we had a little event called "the summer of love" and when I say "we," I mean me. I was a hippie.

Before you shout "Bullshit," take off 45 years and *65* pounds.  Add bell bottom trousers, red eyeballs, a shit-eating grin from smoking dope *and* a full head of shoulder-length brown hair [tilt & shake head]. [p]  Was I not splendid?  Lemme hear you.  I know most of you have never seen a hippie, so if you want, after the show, for $5 you can have your picture taken with me.

Only $10 more gets you a signed "That old guy was a hippie"  certificate of authenticity, suitable for framing.


Impressed with our hosts, b/c they are each fluent in at least 2 languages
I am no language slouch either.  I'm fluent in Ten, I say again, 10 languages of menu

65 pounds.

I want lose weight this year so I changed my diet.  Any vege here? it's ok. there's nothing to fear. I won't let the carnivores harm you.

This is my 28th day as an ovo-lacto vege. means I eat eggs and dairy products as well as fruits & vegetables.  as opposed to vegans, who eat ONLY fruits and vegetables. There's one other kind, the ovo-lacto-fisho-chicko-turko-beefo-porko-sheepo vegetarian, who eats everything but ducko.

new year's eve, wife wanted us to get prime rib. my last meat meal.  btw, "Meat Meal" is a great exercise to learn to touch type.  we had to wait for the table.  *very* "romantic."  One votive candle on the table. *Really* dark.  suitable only for moles.  Waitress asks, What can I bring you to start? I said, "a LANTERN" (backed up a step, says "What?") hadn't eaten. a little surly. ... "or a menu in BRAILLE."  after short talk w/the mgr, made a *new* resolution...in 2012 I will not abuse waiters & waitresses.

one other resolution this year.  to make my wife happier,[p] by buying something electric to use in bed. no, not that. illnesses and meds are messing up my memory and my neurologist says it will only get worse. wife has always liked it when I say her name in bed.  but sometimes I forget her name.  It's true.  So now, before we start, I have to take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. she says it "ruins the spontaneity."  Lemme ask you, do you all know the Star Wars character Jabba the Hut?  To read her name I have to leave the light on.  *She's* looking at Jabba [p] in a nightcap [p] and reading glasses.  And then she doesn't want to have sex any more. she'll be happier now. I ordered her name on a neon sign.

Tonight, tonight

Catheter Story

I am coming to the conclusion I should just write these things instead of performing them.

This piece, for instance, runs for a very long time.  While it gets lots of laughs, it is as far from a "set-up/punchline" format as possible.  There are 2 inserted pieces of optional text.

I went to see "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" just after the first of the year,  because I wanted that Movie Theater experience.  A first run feature on a big screen while surrounded by hundreds of strangers carrying germs medical science cannot cure.  The people sitting immediately behind you have life issues *so* important they must discuss them *during* the movie.   And then, when you turn around to complain, the guy lifts his shirt and shows you his hand gun.  And what runs down your leg only feels warm for a few seconds.  *That* was the experience I wanted.
+++++++
There should be metal detectors in movie theaters. I can be a little nasty.  So when I turned around and said, "Would you mind keeping it down?"  The guy pulled a gun.  You know, it only [gesture] feels warm for a minute.  But I made him leave.  He couldn't stand the smell of asparagus.
+++++++
After I bought my ticket, I went to the Concession Stand.

Do you know why they call it the "Concession Stand"?  It's because when you go there, you've admitted defeat.  You've given up.  You've conceded. You'll pay whatever outrageous prices they charge.  You might as well lie on your back, put your paws in the air and hope they don't come at you with one of those desiccated 3-days on the roller dog grill hot dogs, but if they do, you pray they use lots of that no-cow-was-involved butter flavored popcorn topping for lube.

I was thinking about that, with my head hanging down, moving toward the counter in that Disneyland shuffle, and didn't even look at the prices and sizes.
****************
I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.
****************
I didn't even look at the prices and sizes.  I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.  I ordered a beverage without caffeine, because I have tremendous respect for my body.  I just ordered "the biggest" popcorn and soda. 15 bucks. [p] The popcorn came out in a box as big as a small waste basket. I was in awe of it's hugeness the way both of my wives had been the first time they saw me naked. The kid brought out the soda. He was holding it in two hands.  It wasn't half a gallon.  I think it was a *gallon*.

 I was wondering how I would carry both the soda and the popcorn and get the cup into that tiny germ laden armrest cupholder when the kid asked if I would like some help to my seat.  My snacks would have their own valet.  He was looking at me like "Would you kindly step aside" when I came to my senses.  I *could* have asked,

"Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe it would have been funny. We could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I pee through my dick, he pees through his dick, I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures it out.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p] And I have to give him credit.  Even after being flogged into mental submission by what was probably 12 years in public school, he still was curious.  He replied, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Oh, you unsuspecting young person.

What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walked away.  But somehow it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and began. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god-knows-what-they-will-do-to-you-if-you-cross-over-into-it) minimum-wage-employees-only space, he's holding up his hands as though to push me away and not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  And as another kid is carrying my refreshments ahead of me into the theater, I looked over my shoulder.  The kid  still was crouched behind the popcorn machine.

Nursery Rhyme

Too long & punny to use on stage:  Andrew Jackson was on the road a lot, so he whittled a pleasuring device for his wife to use when he was away.  It dried out while it sat in her nightstand.  The first time she tried it, she got terrible splinters.  She had to go to the Hickory Dickory Doc.  Discuss.

Sebastopol, Jan. 4, 2012

A good set, just for after New Year's.  Almost all new.
------------------
Yeah.  I can't believe he's that old either.  Or that he refers to himself in the 3rd person.  But isn't he splendid in his aging, bad grammartude?

Happy New Year! How we doing on resolutions?  (hand up/down) UP no smoking, drinking, dope.  DOWN. less masturbating?  UP *more* masturbating? maybe lose weight? start exercising?  just after the 1st of the year, outside my local 24 Hour Fitness, the ambulances line up like taxis, waiting for the heart attacks. [whistle] "Where to?" 'He's got a Kaiser card.' No, I'm *not* kidding.  You can't make this stuff up.

For 2012, I made a resolution and become an ovo-lacto vegetarian (ask if there are any). Only applaud if you feel the love.  and I plan to stick with it -- couldn't start off being a vegan (we all know that means, right?  no meat, eggs or dairy) just couldn't do it cold tofurkey.  turkey flavored tofu. <<<(emailed Oregon story.)>>>"veges know it. grow customer base by adding carnivores who've never heard of tofu.  try FauxTurkey.  add tag line, "like turkey. only better for you." they emailed back they *like* the name.  Tried again.  I suggested TWO names + tag line. no response.  screw 'em.   always fail start ovo-lacto-//more protein fisho-chicko//turkey is a big chicken and tofurkey tastes like crap, so -turko// slippery slope to -beefo-porko-sheepo-insecto.  Same place I started -- except, as my wife reminded me, no ducko. Yep, for 40 years made the same resolution.  always seduced by the power of the dark side of the bacon.   not ridiculing vegetarians.  they are right, just not pushy about it.  maybe because not poisoned by hormones fed to meat animals.  unlike religious zealots and members of political parties.  THOSE people are pushy.
Why Notes?  No brain energy to learn tonight's material.  I'm a diabetic, haven't balanced my blood sugar, so the brain isn't working right quite yet.

Wife made me take her to my last carnivore meal on new year's eve.  romantic lighting.  Just a small candle.  Waitress says: What can I bring you to start? I said, a lantern ... or a menu in braille.

Resolution to make wife happier.  She's always liked it when I say her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, before we start I have to take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.  And then to read it I have to leave the light on.  So she's looking at a walrus, wearing a nightcap and reading glasses.

One more resolution.  This year I'm going to whiten my teeth... with Photoshop.
-----------------------------
xmas parties: I once dated a woman at work.  Yeah, I know. Dumbshit.  Not just any woman.  My secretary.  At the Xmas party, when everybody was hammered, I handed her a bottle of wine and and said, "Here, suck out this cork."   And she was OK with that.  She was drunk.  Then I worried if I was ruining her reputation.  No problem, she *already* had a reputation in the company for being a fabulous corksucker.