Good set tonight

I gave a good performance tonight.  I didn't win this round of the competition, but I pleased with the job I did.  Here's the script.  Nearly everything worked.  They didn't like the Santorumpty Dumpty pun (my favorite new bit!) but they loved "hippocrit," which I thought was weaker.  Oh well.


One more time for Brendan Lynch.
Thank you for coming out to support live comedy.  We know you could be home watching TV [p] or Internet porn [p].  [That's what I'd be doing.]

My name is Rich Orwell and I'm old.  This is not a disguise.

How old ?   I don't try to pick up women any more.  When *I* get lucky, I find the car.

A brain illness is killing my memory.  If you have elderly parents or grandparents...  Now I say,  "Don't worry, be funny," with *Notes.*  By applause, are we ready to laugh? Let's do it.

Can you believe these gas prices?  To get here tonight I had to go on craigslist and sell a kidney.  OK, my wife's.

Once in a great while [p] I can remember having sex.  The nicest woman I ever dated was a school teacher.  She never complained about "premature ejaculation." She called it "an Incomplete."

I changed some AA batteries today.  One faces one way.  The other faces the other way.  They're right up against each other.  By applause, who knows that position?

Here's a tough one.  A married man's lover is his "mistress." What's a married *woman's* lover called?   I asked around.  A man has a mistress.  A *woman* has [p] an "orgasm."  As in, "This is my orgasm, Roberto."

Disneyland's having trouble with the first ride in its new area, Vaginaland.  The men say they have to wait too long for it and the women say the ride's over too quick.

 I gotta do this.
Yesterday was Stupid Tuesday.  Yawn.
Mitt. Newt. Who was the other one, Shrek?  And that nursery rhyme character,   Santorum[p]pty-Dumpty.   After a rough spring and summer, if *that* son-of-a-bitch gets elected, Santorumpty Dumpty had a great fall.

The symbol for the Republican Party shouldn't be the elephant or the rhino.  It should be that *other* pachyderm, the hippo- hippo-what's the word?  hippocrit.

I've been married 30 years, but now *I've* got a mistress.  Very sexy.  She has a 'tramp stamp.' I bet you've seen those.  A lower back tattoo just above the butt crack.  You know, they can be anything.  Words, artwork.  My gf's tramp stamp says, 'Do not over inflate.'  Did I mention she's an *inflatable* girlfriend? ... she's in my bag

I was reading to my granddaughter. "4 and 20 blackbirds, baked in a pie."  She likes that one.  But do *you* think "blackbirds" when you hear "4-20?"  In 1967 in S.F., I was a hippie.  Yep the real deal.  You just have to imagine the long hair.  Now, [point] Mohawk. I know most of you have never seen a real hippie, so if you like after the show for the price of a gallon of gas you can have your picture taken with me.  I'll be pushing my car to the Arco station.

Thank you. I'm Rich Orwell.