I'm happy to say I got more than the 7 minutes I expected, in fact I didn't get the light until 7:30. It worked out really well, because I had trimmed the set down considerably from what I wrote (Duh! THAT set was 12 minutes long) and really worked to slow it down and wait for the laughs.
Got some serious laughs from the large, friendly crowd and a couple of serious applause events, too.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. And one thing Dr Brian didn't tell you, because I didn't tell him, and Friday I'll be 60. Could I get a cheap round of applause? I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year this year at age 59.
I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, member of mensa. But after my freshman year was the summer of 1967, the Summer of Love in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin.
A lot has changed in the last 42 years. If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."
I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. [LOUD LAFFS] I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.
I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."
I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance. [SOME LAFFS]
I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. [SOME LAFFS] And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.
I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.
I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that. [HUGE LAFFS]
In 28 years, I learned the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ... men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. It has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]
Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit. [BIG LAFFS]
There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get 72 virgins. popeye would get 73, because he'd have that extra virgin olive oyl. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]
not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew [SOME LAFFS, SOME GROANS]
Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine" (I fluffed this, but got good audience interaction recognizing it)
man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
[this didn't go over AT ALL. I closed saying] I like to end with a big laugh. Apparently that won't happen tonight.
[GOT LAFFS FOR HOW I HANDLED THE EXIT] [NICE APPLAUSE]
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Wharf Room -- Dec 8, 2009 -- The set I wrote
I wrote this 12-minute set for tonight's show at the Wharf Room at Castagnola's. I'll only have 6-8 minutes of stage time, so I thought to post all of it here.
There's no brand-new material here, altho I've only used some of it a few times. Mostly it's tried-and-true.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. This is not a superhero disguise. I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year and Friday I'll be 60. By applause, is it OK for a comic to start at age 59?
I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, but didn't graduate until 43. Why? Because the summer after my freshman year was 1967, the Summer of Love in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. You're a pretty big crowd but I smoked more dope in 3 months than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.
If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."
I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.
I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."
I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance.
I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.
I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.
I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.
I am suffering, once again, an enormous let down. My granddaughter Rachel is NOT one of Tiger Woods' mistresses. Rachel's working her way thru UCLA film school by making videos. I saw the beginning of one on YouPorn.com. She comes into a bedroom wearing a Catholic schoolgirls uniform and tells the male actor she's saving her virginity for her wedding night, but she can do him orally or he can stick it in her butt. Her grandmother and I couldn't be more proud. What an actress. She isn't even Catholic.
Before we moved across the bay, used to live 8 blocks from here. You know Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world? I don';t recommend walking it from here. It's only 8 blocks, but that's 8 blocls as the crows fly and in San Francisco the hills are so steep even the crows take cable cars.
Every year on our anniversary I get my wife a dozen roses. But, as I said we're broke, so this year I got her 2 dozen red IOUs.
Which reminds me. Why did the horticulturist cross the ROSES? To get to the other hybrid.
I made it up, I'm proud, I don't give a shit
And You know what they say about horticulture. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker, ladies and gentlemen.
Kay jewelers is running xmas ads on TV. It's rough going to the mall. begins with p.
pissed her off
In 28 years, I learned
the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ...
men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. genitalia.
hidden agendas
Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit.
roman polanski out of jail friday on 4.5mill bail lots of oral sex and anal sex
There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get
72 virgins. popeye
Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine"
not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country,
would anybody wonder where the swine flew
Last week Chelsea Clinton, a Methodist, got engaged to her long-term boyfriend Marc Mezvinski, who is a total Jew. People are speculating which one will convert to the other's faith. Chelsea and Marc have known each other for like forever and went to Stanford together. If you remember, Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with Monica Lewinsky because they only had oral sex. After that, the joke was when Hillary visited Chelsea at Stanford and asked "Have you had sex yet?", Chelsea answered "Not according to Dad." Going back a few years, Peter Paul and Mary were popular back when Bill Clinton and Hillary were dating in college. One night Hillary came back to the dorm and her roommate asked, "How did your hair get all sticky?" and Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind." Well, she didn't HAVE to turn her head. She could have swallowed.
man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
There's no brand-new material here, altho I've only used some of it a few times. Mostly it's tried-and-true.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. This is not a superhero disguise. I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year and Friday I'll be 60. By applause, is it OK for a comic to start at age 59?
I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, but didn't graduate until 43. Why? Because the summer after my freshman year was 1967, the Summer of Love in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. You're a pretty big crowd but I smoked more dope in 3 months than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.
If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."
I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.
I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."
I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance.
I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.
I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.
I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.
I am suffering, once again, an enormous let down. My granddaughter Rachel is NOT one of Tiger Woods' mistresses. Rachel's working her way thru UCLA film school by making videos. I saw the beginning of one on YouPorn.com. She comes into a bedroom wearing a Catholic schoolgirls uniform and tells the male actor she's saving her virginity for her wedding night, but she can do him orally or he can stick it in her butt. Her grandmother and I couldn't be more proud. What an actress. She isn't even Catholic.
Before we moved across the bay, used to live 8 blocks from here. You know Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world? I don';t recommend walking it from here. It's only 8 blocks, but that's 8 blocls as the crows fly and in San Francisco the hills are so steep even the crows take cable cars.
Every year on our anniversary I get my wife a dozen roses. But, as I said we're broke, so this year I got her 2 dozen red IOUs.
Which reminds me. Why did the horticulturist cross the ROSES? To get to the other hybrid.
I made it up, I'm proud, I don't give a shit
And You know what they say about horticulture. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker, ladies and gentlemen.
Kay jewelers is running xmas ads on TV. It's rough going to the mall. begins with p.
pissed her off
In 28 years, I learned
the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ...
men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. genitalia.
hidden agendas
Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit.
roman polanski out of jail friday on 4.5mill bail lots of oral sex and anal sex
There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get
72 virgins. popeye
Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine"
not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country,
would anybody wonder where the swine flew
Last week Chelsea Clinton, a Methodist, got engaged to her long-term boyfriend Marc Mezvinski, who is a total Jew. People are speculating which one will convert to the other's faith. Chelsea and Marc have known each other for like forever and went to Stanford together. If you remember, Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with Monica Lewinsky because they only had oral sex. After that, the joke was when Hillary visited Chelsea at Stanford and asked "Have you had sex yet?", Chelsea answered "Not according to Dad." Going back a few years, Peter Paul and Mary were popular back when Bill Clinton and Hillary were dating in college. One night Hillary came back to the dorm and her roommate asked, "How did your hair get all sticky?" and Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind." Well, she didn't HAVE to turn her head. She could have swallowed.
man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
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