Bipolar

I think you hear a lot of people talk about being bipolar who actually *aren't*. So I thought I'd tell you a story from somebody who *is*.

It's a tad boring and technical (because it involves medical malpractice). It's also emotional, because I was the patient who experienced the pain and suffering. So I decided to break it up with "bipolar jokes" I've written over the years.

For instance, I think this the only one I've told on stage. Depending on my perception of the savviness of the crowd, I sometimes tee it up by saying, "I'm bipolar. They used to call it "manic-depressive." Big mood swings. Lemme see if I can explain it." and then "Being bipolar is like buying a Peter Paul candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you just wanna f@#$ing kill yourself."

I'm tired now, so I'll continue later.

A horny dilemma

When some people are having trouble making a decision, they say they're "In a quandary." Others say they're "Between a rock and a hard place." I think one word combines the two ideas: "Quarry." It's a hard place where there is plenty of rock -and- it sounds a lot like "quandary."

So, let's begin a slang trend. The next time you're facing a difficult decision, tell people you're "In a quarry."

You rock!

Aging, Broadway Musicals, and the News

Sometimes people say I should just "be me." That I should tell jokes I like, even if I know they're wrong for the audience at hand on a given night. They say not to pander to the crowd; not to "dumb down" my act.

I don't to listen to such advice, at least not completely. Yes, I put in some bits only a few audience members will get, but I hope those people will explain them to the ones that don't. I try to get the audience to rise to the material. But I can't make an entire act out of such material.

A case in point: There's this former Congressman Eric Massa who's apparently admitted to having gay sex, even in the Navy. A new term is entering the mainstream, just as "teabagging" once did, and the term is "snorkeling." Rather than explain them, I'm going to let you look up each one. So, first of all, this bit requires an audience of news hounds, people who have heard of Massa and the "snorkeling" act he's supposed to have committed.

Which brings us to Aging and Broadway Musicals. Not everybody follows Broadway Musicals any more. In fact, probably few people do. There was a time when more people did. That was back when I was a child and watched their touring companies play in San Francisco.

And so, I have a bit I think is very funny, but cannot tell, I'll tell it to *you*, but I'll add an explanation afterwards. If you need me for anything later tonight, I'll be quietly chuckling to myself.

This is how the snorkeling song begins:

Get-ting be-low you
Get-ting to blow all a-bout you

Leaving it up to you, as I did, to find out the meaning of "snorkeling," I'll tell you there's a song in the musical "The King and I" called "Getting to Know You." If I thought more people would understand that fact, I'd write more verses.

Not that it matters, but I saw Yul Brynner play the King both on stage in San Francisco (1951-1954) and in the movie version (1956). Et cet-er-a, et cet-er-a, et cet-er-a.

Girl Scout Cookies

'Tis the season for Girl Scout Cookies. The little darlings and their mothers are sitting behind collapsible tables outside every supermarket. For fun, I like to walk up and point to one of the girls while saying to the Mom, "Wow! Will you look at her sash? That's impressive. Does she have her fellatio merit badge yet?"

This inevitably is followed by the Mom attempting to leap over the table to tear my eyes out. I haven't yet seen a Mom do it in a single high jump move. Most require stepping up onto the table. Some actually have to push a girl out of her chair, so they can step onto the chair to get up onto the table. Their intensity and focus is such that they never lose eye contact and never even consider walking around the table.

It is important, while the Mom is negotiating the table, to beat a hasty retreat.

I'm still waiting for two things to happen: 1. A Girl Scout asks the Mom, "What's 'fellatio?'" and 2. A Girl Scout says to me, "I've got that merit badge. What do I have to do to get you to buy some cookies?"