Roosters - July 29, 2009 - the set I planned

This is far better than the set I actually performed. [sigh]

Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. Struggling to overcome anorexia.

I'm moving a little slowly. You may have noticed the cane. I had some surgery on my left foot but I'm getting better. I was taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available in the parking lot.

I brought some news stories, but first my wife's here tonight. Saturday is our *28th* anniversary. If I forget we got married on "8-1-8-1", I'm in some serious trouble.

It's a good thing she picked a date that's easy to remember. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Mall, I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I PARK, so when I leave the mall, I hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] }}}

Yes, 28th years... the secret is compatibility. Actually, she's clinically depressed and I'm bipolar, but we make it work somehow. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. Bring your prescription pads.



I'm unemployed and broke, just like California. I always buy her roses on our anniversary. So this year, like California, I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs.

I was hoping to find something nice, but inexpensive, at Kay Jewelers. No luck. I was looking at the display case when the salesperson came over and said, "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." So I looked up and said, "You know what else, every piss begins with pee." That really pissed HER off.

One thing I learned. Men are simple and obvious. Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas.

Well, what's in the news?

Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska. I hope the next time we see her is on a float as the oldest Queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival. She's already been declared persona au gratin. Don't boo.

President Obama, Professor Gates, and the cop who arrested him are having a beer at the White House tomorrow night. THAT won't be awkward. But after a coupla beers, they'll all be best buddies. It'll be like, "Let's see who can piss from the balconey to the Rose Garden."

Well, we lost ANOTHER celebrity last week. The Taco Bell Chihuahua. Do you remember those "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" ads from 1997 til the year 2000, the last 3 years Clinton was in office? I always thought that dog was really cute. Cuter than the other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [p] That bitch was ugly.

H1N1 is spreading. The World Health Organization has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch it. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was date WHITE hose. Good night.

Roosters - July 29, 2009

First time at a new club for me tonight, Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I'd seen at least 4 of the 15 comics before at Tommy's or Bunjo's: David Studebaker hosted (& was VERY funny) -- I remember him being at T's once. Dr. Brian, who manages/hosts the Wharf Room (in Castagnola's restaurant in the City). Veronica Porras and Sean Sinha. Some acts went over time -- which they signal with the red light VIGOROUSLY, but only one finally got the "get off the stage" music. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I feel good about some aspects of it and not-so-good about others.

I went up 9th of 15 comics and was distracted by what some of the other folks had said before me (surprise!). The good news is I can play more effectively to the crowd by talking about something they heard from another comic. The bad news is the distraction of thinking about the other folks wrecks my concentration on what I was going to say -- I end up hurting the set I had prepared before I got on stage.

Of the dozen bits I had prepared, I ended up leaving out 5 of them. This gets to be another one of those dual-set postings later -- the set I delivered and the set I had PLANNED to deliver.

The "learning" from this is that I would have done better to bring notes with me, as several of the other comics had done, saying (truthfully) I was working on new material, and stuck to what I had written. I've done this before and felt "weak", but I should place more trust in my writing (at least for now) and worry less about appearance.

A second thing I learned is something I *thought* I had learned before, to have less material and deliver it more slowly and with better timing. When I sit at the computer and read it aloud, even putting in pauses where I anticipate laughter, it goes *much* faster than on stage. If I'm clever enough to write 4 new gags and add them to another 8 I've used before to make a dozen in total, *maybe* I should just do the 8 old ones WELL. Or maybe I should re-work the set to only have a *mix* of 8 or 10, but not all 12.

The good news is that overall I think I had good rapport with the audience and adjusted well to them. The jokes I wanted to work *did*. I improved the way I told some of them in the middle of telling them -- which is the *upside* of having A.D.D.

I'm a harsh critic, but I can tell (almost always) I'm improving each time I get on stage. I would dearly love to get into a situation similar to what the SFCC people have -- longer sets and more of them every week.

Bunjo's - July 25, 2009 - The actual set

[This set actually ran about 6:30. I still need to listen to the audio again to make minor changes (and to indicate where I got laughs and applause), but it's pretty close.]

Where are my people with attention deficit disorder? [a] Where are you? (squirrel!)
I got ADD, so I wrote this really tight set and after hearing the comedians before me all I wanna do is riff on what *they* did.

Rick's been married 25 years [previous comic, Rick Romero]. I been married *28* years August 1s. My wife was very smart. She said we're gonna get married 8-1-8-1. Which, you know, if I forget that & I'm in really deep shit.

I always buy her roses on our anniversary, but this year I'm unemployed. We live in California, so this year I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs. [l]

As you can tell, just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] Winning the battle with anorexia. [l]

I was driving over here tonight and I was thinking, "You know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight?" From the parking lot [turn & point], I can see Australia. [L][a] The Outback Steakhouse [restaurant across the parking lot]. [l]

Yes, 28th anniversary. We're still very compatible. Actually, we're both unemployed and depressed. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 25th is the silver anniversary; The 28th is Zoloft. Bring your prescription pad.

She still likes it when I say her name in bed, after 28 years, now I have to write it on my hand every night.

One thing I learned. Men are simple. Women are mysterious. I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas. [building L] That's a dirty word, kids.

I went to Kay Jewelers, hoping to find something really inexpensive, but there was nothing I liked. I was staring at the display case when the salesperson came over. A little aggressive, I think, in this economy. "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." And I said, "You know? Every piss begins with pee." [L] That really pissed HER off. [L][L] Lemme tell you.

[note: I cut the following paragraph down to 35 seconds] Did you hear this? A friend of President Obama, a very prominent black Harvard Professor was arrested at his Cambridge, Massachusetts home after a 911 call reported "a black man breaking into a house." He got into a verbal confrontation with the cop and was taken in for disorderly conduct. At a news conference, Obama called the police action "Stupid." Stepped on his dick. So now there's a firestorm of unrest with every black person who ever felt racially profiled and every cop who feels slandered up on arms. Oops.

Now the internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a transcript of a similar 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D.C. We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation.
"Washington Metro Police. What is your emergency? ... You see a black man breaking into a house? What's the address? ... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr. Limbaugh." [L][a]

I got an audience participation thing. For this next story, when I gesture, I want you to say WHO, ok? Let's try it [gesture]. Great. H1N1 is back is making a comeback. The World Health Organization [gesture] Very good. The World Health Organization [gesture] (never gets old) [L] has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. And I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu. [L][L]

As Jim [Jim Kruder, who was up earlier] mentioned, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. You remember those ads that ran for 3 years, from 1997 til the year 2000 during the Clinton administration? You remember, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" I always thought that dog was really cute. A lot cuter than that other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [L][L] Yeah, that bitch was ugly. [L]

I'm gonna close with this. 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a length of yarn, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is, name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was ... was date WHITE hose. [L][L]

Good night. [a]

First time at Rooster T. Feathers

Please come watch my maiden voyage at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA, on Wednesday, July 29,2009.

Tommy T's - July 20, 2009 - Kay Jewelers

This wasn't my best set, but didn't seem as bad while reviewing the video as it did when performing it.

Only one element was worth posting.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - The actual set + Videos

As I mentioned earlier, the evening was partially a roast of John, the owner, so there's a section of that material near the beginning. He had opened the show talking about Sarah Palin & Match dot com, then wondering why his girlfriend Julie puts up with him. (Hence some of the jokes)

John (host): We're gonna bring up our next comic, a new good friend of mine. Give it up for Rich Orwell.

Me: Hi, everybody ["Hi", "Hello"]. Anybody here have ADD or kids with ADD [one audience member points out another]? You? Your friend pointed you out. *I* have ADD, so I wrote my whole set while John was talking. [l]

First of all, Sarah Palin. You know Sarah Palin? You know what she would say if she were here tonight? "From the parking lot [turn & point] I can see Australia" [there's an Outback Steakhouse across the parking lot from the restaurant/club where we were]. [L][L] Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. [L]

And she's quitting as governor of Australia [Oops! -- total flub -- I *meant* to say Alaska. Audience shouted out "Alaska". I tried to recover, saying... ] What can I say? Yeah, Alaska is like Australia, but without the snaykes and spidahs [<= Aussie accent].



But, anyway, she's quitting as governor of Alaska, and in a year she's gonna be the queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival, because she doesn't have much of a future in politics [should have reversed those 2 clauses], and she's already been declared "persona au gratin." [L][L] Thank you for being literate, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to sing something for you, but I won't. [l] Dim sum enchanted evening. [L] Everybody remember South Pacific? We're in this lovely Dim Sum restaurant.

John mentioned match dot com. *I* tried match dot com [p] and they rejected me ["Aww"]. Yeah, I told them I like to play with matches. [p][L][some groans] You'd think they'd be more tolerant. [l]

And, uhh, John talked about Julie and wondered how she puts up with him. I don't think she has to put up with him very *far* [gesture w/ thumb & index finger for "small"]. [L] Dick jokes, you have to love 'em, don't you? [L][L}

And John's a golfer. Did you hear Tiger Woods didn't make the cut today in the British Open? Any golfers here [needed longer pause here & audience interaction]? ["Yeah"] He missed it by one stroke. He went on TV and said, "I made some mistakes. I screwed up." And I think Julie says until John loses 50 pounds he's gonna ONLY screw up. [some building laughs, but more groans]



OK. We're gonna only go with clean jokes, very clean jokes. Let's talk about dinosaurs. [L] Jurassic Park humor.

So here I am, a teacher in dinosaur elementary school. [should have made this some *other* person] And there's a little dinosaur there and I say, [talking to child voice] "You know, you have the biggest vocabulary. What kind of dinosaur ARE you?" And the little dinosaur says, "I'm a thesaurus." [groans, some L]. That is the *cutest* joke. I swear to God. My wife laughs at that EVERY time. [continuing l] She has Alzheimer's. It's new to her every time. [L]

H1N1 is now a world wide pandemic and they're not treating it [oops], not counting individual cases, only clusters around the world. One million cases in the US, ladies and gentlemen. And Rush Limbaugh got very scared and he left. Do you all know Rush? [boos] You like him? That's horrible. [building l] And he left the country, he left the country, and he's broadcasting from an unknown location. I kinda wonder where the swine flew. [some groans, but mostly L and some applause]

We're nearly at the end of this. We're gonna try to make it short.

You women are gonna love this. They're opening up a new chain of collagen injection spas and studios [said it badly]. It's called "Angelina Jo-lip." [some groans, but mostly big L] She's got those natural lips.

I'm gonna close with this because we've got a lot of comics and I respect your time. If Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia to Paris on vacation, and they were in the hotel the first night, and Petunia came out of the bathroom and asked, "Porky, what's that extra appliance in here?" He'd say, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet, a bidet. That's all folks!" Thanks very much.

John: Give it up for Rich Orwell. You're never too old to live your dream.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - That was very much fun

I went up 4th (I think) tonight. There were lotsa comics, and the owner, John whose birthday it was, had just gotten done telling the crowd we'd work on getting them out of there soon. So, despite his having told me I'd get 5 minutes, I cut it down to about 4:30 [pats self on back]. I *could* have slowed it down, not stepped on the laughs I got & let some of those laughs build, but I did OK for a rushed set.

I ended up only using a handful of the bits you'll see in the "What's on the Menu" post below. I added 3 in the front of the set, riffing with material I had written before on what John said in his intro. They actually worked better than some of the scripted material.

I got good responses to about 8 of the gags and can polish each of those. I can also rework a few that didn't work quite as well.

This was my first (relatively) large crowd. Maybe 30 or 40 people. A little older; a little wiser than the few tween customers and massive # of comics every week at Tommy's. I told a few things that required political awareness or a command of the English language -- and they GOT 'em. [Yay!]

I also got to meet and watch real, live professional comedians. "Chicago Steve" Barkley (http://www.chicagosteve.com/) was the headliner. You need to go to his site to appreciate the depth of experience and talent he brought to the show.

I also knew of and admire Larry "Bubbles" Brown (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Bubbles_Brown), who opened the show. Both of these guys have been major successes since the 1980s and were, of course, ridiculously funny.

John taped the entire night. Maybe I can get him to make me a copy.

A few of the audience members shook my hand/congratulated me on the set and all the comics were gracious enough to say they liked it. John's mother LOVED the joke about Rush Limbaugh and told me I have a future in comedy. She rejected my protestations that she was being nice to say so, saying instead that she watches a lot of comics and I "have something."

On the one hand, I knew I could have done better. On the other hand, I have to be happy with it going as well as it did. Ten years from now (if I'm alive & working as a comedian), I'll look back at tonight & cringe. But for now I'll edit the set down and post some of it later.