Rooster T. Feathers competition

I have the preliminary round of a competition next Wednesday, 3/7/12.  Here are some notes I'm using to get ready.  Two are just Titles, the rest are full text.  There are a LOT of new / topical / political bits.  I like to live on the edge.


Cracker
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Lots of places in the country are experiencing an unseasonably hot winter.
Coming this April, H&R Sunblock.
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Here's a question.  When was the last time you changed AA batteries?  One faces one way.  The other faces the other way.  They're pushed right up against each other.  Am I the *only* pervert who's thinking 69?

((((((((((((((((((( recognizes that position? [p] Horny little bastards. I envy them. Their sex life is more energetic than mine & lasts longer, too.  They just keep going and going.  Like bunnies.  Those Lithium-Ion guys.  Keep me awake all night. ))))))))))))))))))
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Disneyland has opened the first ride in its new area, Vaginaland.  Nothing but trouble.  The men say they have to wait too long and the women say the ride's too short.
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First, thank you for coming out to support live comedy.  We know you could be home watching TV [p] or Internet porn [p].

My name is Rich Orwell and I'm old.

Ever lose a lot of weight - donate your fat clothes to charity - put the weight back on?  [point]  Sweat pants.

How old am I?   I don't try to pick up women any more.  When *I* get lucky, I find the car.

Almost didn't make it here tonight.  These gas prices!  I had to go on craigslist and sell a kidney.  OK, my wife's.

Once in a great while [p] I can remember having sex.

When I was young, the nicest woman I ever dated was a school teacher.  She never complained about premature ejaculation. She called it "an Incomplete."

(((((((( I was reading to my granddaughter. ))))))) "4 and 20 blackbirds, baked in a pie."  Who thinks "blackbirds" when you hear "4-20?"  If you don't know "4-20," go back 45 years.
1967, San Francisco, .  I was a hippie.  Yep.  The real deal.  I used to have a *full head* [shake] of shoulder-length hair.  I know you've probably never seen a real hippie.  So, if you like, after the show, for $5, you can have your picture taken with me.  For just $5 more, you get a signed, "That guy was a hippie" certificate of authenticity.  Suitable for framing.

I've been married 30 years, but now *I've* got a mistress.  Very sexy.  She has a 'tramp stamp.' I bet you've seen those.  A lower back tattoo just above her butt crack.  You know, they can be anything.  Words, artwork.  My gf's tramp stamp says, 'Do not over inflate.'  Did I mention she's an *inflatable* girlfriend? ... she's in my bag
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You may have noticed I don't smile much. Comics are supposed to smile.  Look good.  Make friends with the audience. [p] My mother never taught me how to brush my teeth.  I know.  Thanks, mom.

They're stained the color of every entrée on an Indian lunch buffet.  Some of you know what I mean.  Brown and gray and yellow and green and red.

I bought the strips.  I'm going to whiten my teeth. I'm going to whiten my teeth [p]
with Photoshop.

Vote for me. Keep me out of the rest home, please.  I'm Rich Orwell.

#################
Republicans are angry that blacks got an extra day for Black History Month.  If they win in November, they plan to cut February to *21* days.  [p] Add a one-week mini-month called either: Mitt-ember, Gingrich-uary, or Santorum[p]pty-Dumpty.  (the other nursery rhyme!)

After a rough spring and summer, Santorumpty-Dumpty wants to have a great fall.
##############################################
I don't think we can ignore Super Tuesday.

Did you watch those debates?  I *know* for an old man to talk about politics is boring and sex is *creepy*.  I'll see if I can de-creepify it.  Those Republican candidates are like dildos.  Anatomically correct but inanimate objects always ready to screw us.

And you ladies understand this ... Democrats at least will talk to you, maybe buy you dinner. Afterwards stroke your hair.  Call you.  Have the courtesy to vibrate.  Republicans don't do that.

The symbol for the Republican Party shouldn't be the elephant or the rhino.  It should be that *other* pachyderm, the hippo-crit.
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That's all for politics.  I promise.
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Here's a tough one.  If a married man's lover is a "mistress,"  what do you call a married *woman's* lover?   A man has a mistress.  A *woman* has [p] an "orgasm."  "This is my orgasm, Roberto."  
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Or down in San Jose, watching that troupe of masturbating french-canadian acrobats, circle jerk du soleil.
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????? I took my cane to the movies. The couple behind me was talking, so I turned around and said, "Please ...?"  The guy had a pistol in his belt.  Fixed *him*, though.  Made him leave.  He couldn't *stand* the smell of asparagus. ?????

eieio

My friend David is a Pyromaniac. Yes, he is.  Looking for a date.  Not on chemistry dot com or eHarmony dot com.  Pyromaniacs prefer [p] match dot com

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Yeah, I'm getting older.  I went to the doctor Monday. The receptionist said, "He's running behind." I said, "I know all about that.  I'm taking Imodium AD."

A rerun

I put this out on Facebook tonight.  It's a bit from a coupla years ago, but I love it.

I'm currently in an intense relationship with the accessories hose of my vacuum cleaner. She likes to do what I want *all* the time and she's so easy to turn on -- it's like a switch. Also, I find it exotic that she's black. When I was younger, all I only used to date *white* hose. [this works a lot better when I bring the hose on stage with me]

Tonight, tonight

Catheter Story

I am coming to the conclusion I should just write these things instead of performing them.

This piece, for instance, runs for a very long time.  While it gets lots of laughs, it is as far from a "set-up/punchline" format as possible.  There are 2 inserted pieces of optional text.

I went to see "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" just after the first of the year,  because I wanted that Movie Theater experience.  A first run feature on a big screen while surrounded by hundreds of strangers carrying germs medical science cannot cure.  The people sitting immediately behind you have life issues *so* important they must discuss them *during* the movie.   And then, when you turn around to complain, the guy lifts his shirt and shows you his hand gun.  And what runs down your leg only feels warm for a few seconds.  *That* was the experience I wanted.
+++++++
There should be metal detectors in movie theaters. I can be a little nasty.  So when I turned around and said, "Would you mind keeping it down?"  The guy pulled a gun.  You know, it only [gesture] feels warm for a minute.  But I made him leave.  He couldn't stand the smell of asparagus.
+++++++
After I bought my ticket, I went to the Concession Stand.

Do you know why they call it the "Concession Stand"?  It's because when you go there, you've admitted defeat.  You've given up.  You've conceded. You'll pay whatever outrageous prices they charge.  You might as well lie on your back, put your paws in the air and hope they don't come at you with one of those desiccated 3-days on the roller dog grill hot dogs, but if they do, you pray they use lots of that no-cow-was-involved butter flavored popcorn topping for lube.

I was thinking about that, with my head hanging down, moving toward the counter in that Disneyland shuffle, and didn't even look at the prices and sizes.
****************
I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.
****************
I didn't even look at the prices and sizes.  I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.  I ordered a beverage without caffeine, because I have tremendous respect for my body.  I just ordered "the biggest" popcorn and soda. 15 bucks. [p] The popcorn came out in a box as big as a small waste basket. I was in awe of it's hugeness the way both of my wives had been the first time they saw me naked. The kid brought out the soda. He was holding it in two hands.  It wasn't half a gallon.  I think it was a *gallon*.

 I was wondering how I would carry both the soda and the popcorn and get the cup into that tiny germ laden armrest cupholder when the kid asked if I would like some help to my seat.  My snacks would have their own valet.  He was looking at me like "Would you kindly step aside" when I came to my senses.  I *could* have asked,

"Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe it would have been funny. We could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I pee through my dick, he pees through his dick, I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures it out.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p] And I have to give him credit.  Even after being flogged into mental submission by what was probably 12 years in public school, he still was curious.  He replied, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Oh, you unsuspecting young person.

What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walked away.  But somehow it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and began. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god-knows-what-they-will-do-to-you-if-you-cross-over-into-it) minimum-wage-employees-only space, he's holding up his hands as though to push me away and not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  And as another kid is carrying my refreshments ahead of me into the theater, I looked over my shoulder.  The kid  still was crouched behind the popcorn machine.

Nursery Rhyme

Too long & punny to use on stage:  Andrew Jackson was on the road a lot, so he whittled a pleasuring device for his wife to use when he was away.  It dried out while it sat in her nightstand.  The first time she tried it, she got terrible splinters.  She had to go to the Hickory Dickory Doc.  Discuss.

Sebastopol, Jan. 4, 2012

A good set, just for after New Year's.  Almost all new.
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Yeah.  I can't believe he's that old either.  Or that he refers to himself in the 3rd person.  But isn't he splendid in his aging, bad grammartude?

Happy New Year! How we doing on resolutions?  (hand up/down) UP no smoking, drinking, dope.  DOWN. less masturbating?  UP *more* masturbating? maybe lose weight? start exercising?  just after the 1st of the year, outside my local 24 Hour Fitness, the ambulances line up like taxis, waiting for the heart attacks. [whistle] "Where to?" 'He's got a Kaiser card.' No, I'm *not* kidding.  You can't make this stuff up.

For 2012, I made a resolution and become an ovo-lacto vegetarian (ask if there are any). Only applaud if you feel the love.  and I plan to stick with it -- couldn't start off being a vegan (we all know that means, right?  no meat, eggs or dairy) just couldn't do it cold tofurkey.  turkey flavored tofu. <<<(emailed Oregon story.)>>>"veges know it. grow customer base by adding carnivores who've never heard of tofu.  try FauxTurkey.  add tag line, "like turkey. only better for you." they emailed back they *like* the name.  Tried again.  I suggested TWO names + tag line. no response.  screw 'em.   always fail start ovo-lacto-//more protein fisho-chicko//turkey is a big chicken and tofurkey tastes like crap, so -turko// slippery slope to -beefo-porko-sheepo-insecto.  Same place I started -- except, as my wife reminded me, no ducko. Yep, for 40 years made the same resolution.  always seduced by the power of the dark side of the bacon.   not ridiculing vegetarians.  they are right, just not pushy about it.  maybe because not poisoned by hormones fed to meat animals.  unlike religious zealots and members of political parties.  THOSE people are pushy.
Why Notes?  No brain energy to learn tonight's material.  I'm a diabetic, haven't balanced my blood sugar, so the brain isn't working right quite yet.

Wife made me take her to my last carnivore meal on new year's eve.  romantic lighting.  Just a small candle.  Waitress says: What can I bring you to start? I said, a lantern ... or a menu in braille.

Resolution to make wife happier.  She's always liked it when I say her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, before we start I have to take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.  And then to read it I have to leave the light on.  So she's looking at a walrus, wearing a nightcap and reading glasses.

One more resolution.  This year I'm going to whiten my teeth... with Photoshop.
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xmas parties: I once dated a woman at work.  Yeah, I know. Dumbshit.  Not just any woman.  My secretary.  At the Xmas party, when everybody was hammered, I handed her a bottle of wine and and said, "Here, suck out this cork."   And she was OK with that.  She was drunk.  Then I worried if I was ruining her reputation.  No problem, she *already* had a reputation in the company for being a fabulous corksucker.

Bunjos, Festivus, 12/23/11

If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.
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not sure I can do this.  just learned
My wife is having an affair.
Some Native American guy.  My detective says she spends all her time with "Angry Birds."
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My mother was a shitty parent.  She never taught me the fundamentals, like brushing my teeth.  They'd be whiter if I was raised by wolves.  My teeth are the same color as every entree at an Indian lunch buffet. Brown, orange, yellow, gray.  But for the holidays I'm working on whitening them.  With Photoshop.

If you got those, congratulations on knowing tech stuff.  If you didn't, congratulations on having a life.
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For Xmas, my wife ordered me a big, new computer monitor.  delivered by fedEx.
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A man has a "mistress."  So what does a woman have?  Looked it up. A gigolo,  escort, "Pool boy," "Fitness trainer."  Naw.  I think it's like this.  A man has a "mistress."  A woman has an "orgasm."
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Festivus contest.  get my cards (with the improved teeth)

Tiger Woods won the Chevron Golf Tournament ((World Challenge Tournament)) three weeks ago  ((Sunday, 12/4)), his first in 2 years.  Asked how he would celebrate, he said, "It's early. I still have time to get in another 18 holes."  Write your own joke.

tiger  -- and the women were LINING UP
I'm not a HOLE, I'm a ho. ho, ho.  Merry Xmas.
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"My neighbors have 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too.  Symmetry."  A friend, barbara garber, heard that and started to sing, "Oh symmetry,  Oh symmetry, how even are your bran-ches."

- chuck e cheese's sign in Hayward
Religious moment:  The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"

I remember at Xmas I used to take my first wife shopping.  She was 4'11", still is, I guess.  When the marriage was ending I would lose her in the crowd at macys.
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A few years ago, I took a new job and started dating a woman there.  Yeah, I know.  At the Xmas party, I handed her a bottle of wine and said in a fairly loud voice, "Here, suck out this cork."

Then I got worried.  Was I being indiscrete?  Was it harassment?  Not a problem.  She *already* had a reputation for being a fabulous corksucker.

Anyway, she was hella drunk (is that the right way to say it?) and so she tried to do it, right there in front of everybody.  Chipped her tooth.  Screw top.
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Maybe I know why my wife is unhappy.  She likes it when I whisper her name in bed.  But my memory's gotten so bad, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.
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My parents divorced after 19 years. My first wife and I, 7 years. Our son David made it for 23  (he holds the record). We're all hoping my 20 year old granddaughter Rachel just screws a buncha guys.
Skips all that drama.  (fucks)

((decide to buy gift?))

Rachel is 20 now, all grown up. Studying acting and directing at the UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television (TFT).  Best school of its kind in the world. My friend Joe sent me an email that said, "You remember how you used to bounce Rachel on your knee?  She still likes to bounce."  I didn't understand, but clicked on the tiny link address link and I thought it said YouTube,  but it said YouPORN. [p]  Frequent visitors?   TITLE was disturbing -- On your knees, b-word that rhymes w/ witch.  OK.  What kind of practical joke was this?  First frame was on the screen already.  There was this big buff guy, sitting on the bed wearing only a white towel. A poster child for steroids, tattoos, and sloping foreheads.  I hit Play ... and in walks Rachel!  [[PAUSE!!]]  She's a little thing, takes after her grandma,
s dog @ macys
pigtails, a Catholic school girl's uniform.  You know,  the pleated plaid skirt, white blouse, white socks, and (I didn't stick around to see this, but I'm guessing) white panties.  I can only tell you how it starts.  I don't want to offend anybody, so I'll change the dialog a little.
[and she's a trained actress, so I can't match the way she sold her lines with body language & gestures & enunciation and the perfect volume]  OK. OK. She says to the guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding  night.  But I can Baloney you."   And I stopped the video.  I'm not going to watch my little Rachel doing that.

I decided NOT to send the email to her grandmother [p].  Or her mom [p] or dad. [p]  I didn't even send it to HER, because I knew she'd think I was being judgmental.  She expect me to call and ask, "How much did they pay you to baloney the gorilla?"  But I have to admit, as I was sitting there stunned, I was thinking, "What an actress.  She isn't even Catholic."

It's not like she knows much about kneeling.

And then I called Amazon dot com and ordered her a big, stuffed teddy bear.

======================================
boomerang  David.  age 43.
Occupy Dad's house.  actually step-mom.
now he's using my PC, criticizing my choices of bookmarked porn
in our own home, we can't be nudists anymore
eliminated at-home nudism
-----------
know what boomerang kids are?.
story abt homeless.  took him in 6 months ago.  now it's
His mom divorced me in 1975.

dating sites
he never outgrew being a pyro,  wants to date,
so he went to their support group site (come on baby)
now he uses their favorite dating site,
nor eharmony or chemisty.com, match.com
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- catheter story

I went to the movies yesterday and didn't even look at the sizes when I ordered popcorn and soda. I just said "the biggest ones."  20 bucks. [p] I swear the soda wasn't 64 ounces, or even 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  A gallon.

First mistake:

I could have said to the 16-year old kid behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  [p] Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures out what it's for.  But I didn't. [p]  I asked him, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p]  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"  [p]

Second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and I got on with it. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god knows what they will do to you if you cross over into it) minimum wage employees only space and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my drink, somehow avoided a hernia, walked in and saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

opened 12/20  soda/catheter story
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tattoo segue to dolly...  has tramp stamp
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Company Xmas party

Many years ago I broke all the "don't shit where you eat" rules and had an affair with a woman at work. I won't say any more than that, respecting her privacy.  I did something less discrete, though, at the company Xmas party.

I handed her a bottle of wine and said, "Here, why don't you suck out this cork?"

It turns out I didn't have to worry about her reputation.  She already was known as a fabulous corksucker.

Catheter

I went to the movies and ordered the usual $20/worth of popcorn and soda and I swear to god the soda wasn't 64 ounces, it wasn't 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces.  So here's where I made my first mistake.  I could have said to the 16-year old boy behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?"  Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding.  I've got a dick, he's got a dick.  I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or at least he hears the word and figures it out.  But I didn't.  I asked him, "Does this come with a catheter?"  And he replies, "What's a catheter?"

Here's where I made my second mistake.  What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away.  But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania (something akin to Hunter S. Thompson on drugs) it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him.  So I picked up and unwrapped a straw, and I proceeded.  And in a few seconds this curious kid who had been leaning on the counter is backing away and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No."  So I picked up my popcorn and my hernia-inducing soda and went into the theater, secure in the knowledge I had destroyed yet another young mind.

Squirmin' Cain

Herman Cain material while he's still running.  Feel free to use these around the water cooler.

• Number #7 - He SAYS he'll withdraw, but at the last minute he loses control.
• Number #6 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.
• Number #5 - He wants us to treat him like royalty. We're supposed to say Yes, your GOPness.
• Number #4 - He admitted last week some of his dealings with women have been underhanded,  specifically when he deals with skirts
• Number #3 - I heard his nickname in college was "I swear to God -- it will taste like candy"-Cain.  That only works one time.
• Number #2 - I think he's a Don Juan-a-be.
• And the #1 Thing overheard in the washroom at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.

Herman Cain

He's finally admitted reaching under that woman's skirt.

He says it was all a misunderstanding.

She told him she wanted his help finding a position in Japan, but he wasn't
listening closely when she said she could do a really good Pacific Rim Job.

I say this tongue in cheek.

p.s.   I've told this in rooms where more than 1/2 the crowd have never heard of a rim job.  Awkward.

If you don't know, Google it.

maybe old; maybe new

I wish I had a small-caliber machine gun on my car's roof. Then I could blast bad drivers while screaming obscenities. Gun tourette syndrome.

A lot of people say Asian drivers are the worst. They aren't. The worst drivers are zombies.
Have you ever watched a zombie try to parallel park? Awful.

Blade Runner

Occupy Wall Street finally is making a list of demands.  No demands, no results; no threats, no demands met.  They ordered some guillotines.  Like in the French revolution.   Take care of the 1% that owns everything.  But these are better.  Gillette Fusion Proglide guillotines.  They feature a lubricated strip for comfort   The first 5 blades pull the head out just a little, so the sixth blade can cut through cleanly, without leaving any embarrassing neck stubble.  The head will look its best when mounted on a wall or being paraded around the city on a pike. (And, by the way, by "pike" I mean a long spear; not a fish.  Carrying the head around the city on a fish would send entirely the wrong message.)  The machines will be free, of course.  Just like with razors, the money's in the blades.

Time for you to Leave

My existential nihilistic pro-suicide blog is well-written, but not everyone's cup of hemlock.  

Bunjo's, Oct 14, 2011

This is as close as I can remember to the set I did at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, Ca. on Oct 14, 2011.  There were, of course, a few riffs on other comics in the beginning, but this was the set I'd planned and this was the set I delivered.

I'm getting better at sticking to the plan.  And my timing, specifically waiting for the audience to have time to laugh, was better, too.

==============================================

I *am* the youngest, thinnest, best looking comic here tonight. (I checked)
Did you have the magic mushroom chicken?
No? Oh, in that case I'm hella fat, hella ugly and hella old.
I'm too old to say hella. There's an age limit.  [hand gesture]
You must be at least this young to say hella.
How old?  When I was a boy, I went to a one-cave schoolhouse.
How old? Back when I started using computers, we would hunt the
mastodon then use the tusks to punch IBM cards.  That old.

When I was a boy, my father beat me with a leather strap.  No, that isn't the funny part.  Here's a reference you might not get.  Did you see the Shawshank Redemption?  Good film.

The day after his funeral, I went back to the cemetery and danced on his grave.  Then I changed my name.  My mom knew when she died, I'd want to dance on her grave, too, but she wouldn't give me the satisfaction.  She left instructions to have herself cremated.  She knew you can't dance on an urn.  Believe me, I tried.  I knocked it over.  Then I had to vacuum her up.

Just an aside.  They had a trainee grief counselor working at the crematorium.  I asked if he was there on an "urn while you learn" program.  His face turned, for want of a better word, ashen.

You may have seen the TV ads.  Coming to San Francisco
a troupe of masturbating French acrobats, circle jerk du soleil.

Speaking of France,
When Occupy Wall Street stops being non-violent, they'll
order 10,000 Gillette brand Trac-II guillotines.  The
first blade will pull the head out just a little, so the second
blade can cut through cleanly, without leaving any
embarrassing neck stubble.  The aristocrat's head will look
its best when mounted, either on a wall or on a pike.  The
machines will be free, of course.  Gillette knows the money's
in the blades.

show at museum all summer in g g park.   this is a field trip report.
In the deserts of the southwest the gila monster is
a sluggish, poisonous lizard you have to practically
step on to get it to bite you.  but once it does it holds
on.  it doesn't have fangs, it doesn't strike like a snake,
it chews the venom into you.  And here's one thing most
people don't know.  Even if you cut off its head, the
nervous system will keep it biting.  It will chew poison into
you even after it's *dead*.  Let's talk about my mom.

George Carlin, The American Dream

Michele Bachmann. I can't say enough.

If Michele Bachmann is elected President, Americans will learn more.

Tens of millions, in fact, will learn more than the first two words of "O Canada."

Now that's a hug

In San Francisco, The California Academy of Sciences had a cold-blooded exhibition this summer on snakes and lizards.  Their TV ad featured a Curator wrapped by a 16-foot albino python, named "Lemondrop."  "Now that's a hug," the fellow said.

Here's something different.

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2011/07/snake-massage-spa-in-israel.html

I *like* snakes, especially when pronounced the Australian way, "Snaykes" (rhymes with "tykes').  What's your tyke on that, Might?

What the article doesn't mention is that the $80 includes a tasty snake sandwich, err, *steak* sandwich.

Snake, like revenge, is a dish best served cold.  - Klingon Proverb

I was reminded today of a philosophical quote from the 1968 Star Trek episode, "Spock's Brain." 

"Brain and brain.  What is Brain?"

My proposal for an official Mensa song: "Oh the wayward brain is a restless brain, a restless brain that yearns to ponder."  - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSPLSo3U46Q

It's like when I forgot my credentials and was challenged by security at the Portland Mensa convention this year.  "Badges? We don' got no badges.  We don' got to show you no thinking badges."  -"Treasure of the Sierra Madre"

I think it's time to go feed my brain some blood sugar.

Chow

Let's get Physics-cal

This is REALLY obscure, except to particle physicists. Go find one and watch the reaction :)

Scientists at CERN in Switzerland claim to have accelerated a neutrino to a speed faster than the speed of light.

The Higgs Bozo particle also goes faster than the speed of light, except it does it wearing clown shoes.

Comedian karma

I went to Molly's Bash at a club called Karma Fusion Lounge in Dublin, California, where an idea popped into my mind -- the Boy George 1983 classic song, "Karma Chameleon," but substituting "comedian" for "chameleon." I'll write out how it would go...

"Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Comedian."