Rhetorich

COBO 1/28/12

2012-01-31T14:02:00.001-08:00

This is the set I did at Comedy Off Broadway Oakland on 1/28.

thank you for coming out to support local comedy. if you're looking forward to some fun this evening, give yourselves a hand.
If you're thinking, "I can't believe how old that guy is," me, either.

not an old pro. only been doing this a couple of years.
Let me tell you a bit about me.

Times were simpler when I was a boy. There was no Attention Deficit Disorder, A.D.D. There was "Go to the vice principal's office." I did that a *lot.*

In 1965 heard a bill cosby album and said that's what I want to do Parents, "You're 15. Go do your Homework." Slowed me down.

I'm a native San Franciscan. (others. worst = zombies - awful) In 1967, we had a little event called "the summer of love" and when I say "we," I mean me. I was a hippie.

Before you shout "Bullshit," take off 45 years and *65* pounds. Add bell bottom trousers, red eyeballs, a shit-eating grin from smoking dope *and* a full head of shoulder-length brown hair [tilt & shake head]. [p] Was I not splendid? Lemme hear you. I know most of you have never seen a hippie, so if you want, after the show, for $5 you can have your picture taken with me.

Only $10 more gets you a signed "That old guy was a hippie" certificate of authenticity, suitable for framing.

Impressed with our hosts, b/c they are each fluent in at least 2 languages
I am no language slouch either. I'm fluent in Ten, I say again, 10 languages of menu

65 pounds.

I want lose weight this year so I changed my diet. Any vege here? it's ok. there's nothing to fear. I won't let the carnivores harm you.

This is my 28th day as an ovo-lacto vege. means I eat eggs and dairy products as well as fruits & vegetables. as opposed to vegans, who eat ONLY fruits and vegetables. There's one other kind, the ovo-lacto-fisho-chicko-turko-beefo-porko-sheepo vegetarian, who eats everything but ducko.

new year's eve, wife wanted us to get prime rib. my last meat meal. btw, "Meat Meal" is a great exercise to learn to touch type. we had to wait for the table. *very* "romantic." One votive candle on the table. *Really* dark. suitable only for moles. Waitress asks, What can I bring you to start? I said, "a LANTERN" (backed up a step, says "What?") hadn't eaten. a little surly. ... "or a menu in BRAILLE." after short talk w/the mgr, made a *new* resolution...in 2012 I will not abuse waiters & waitresses.

one other resolution this year. to make my wife happier,[p] by buying something electric to use in bed. no, not that. illnesses and meds are messing up my memory and my neurologist says it will only get worse. wife has always liked it when I say her name in bed. but sometimes I forget her name. It's true. So now, before we start, I have to take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. she says it "ruins the spontaneity." Lemme ask you, do you all know the Star Wars character Jabba the Hut? To read her name I have to leave the light on. *She's* looking at Jabba [p] in a nightcap [p] and reading glasses. And then she doesn't want to have sex any more. she'll be happier now. I ordered her name on a neon sign.

Tonight, tonight

2012-01-31T13:33:00.000-08:00

These are notes for bits I may do tonight at the Rockit Room in San Francisco. Most are only a few keywords; I know what to say for each. If you need details, email/comment. world's oldest gifted child why no smile Think I'm fat, ugly and OLD? Every day I get up, walk into the bathroom and take a long look at myself in the mirror. Every day. You'll only see me for a few minutes. You get no sympathy from me. social security doesn't arrive for 2 weeks. had to do sell a kidney on craigslist to get gas money.it's OK, it was my wife's-----------AA batteries 69 position. the sex they have is more energetic than mine & lasts longer, too. especially those whores, the lithium-ions.-----------skydive, fly gliders, ski, run, martial arts young comics talk about sex a lot.important.sleeping with many women.only important if you haven't done it.watersports, horses into the pool------------------------[My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my Native American name, "Walks with a limp ... dick."]------------------------caught my wife doing it. she was flossingmy wife flosses her teethwhen do YOU floss?day visit the dentist?if I flossed at all, it would be with red vines---------------------smoked a lot of dope in the 60s. impression "if, if, if, you know."snorted a lot of blow in the 80s. fork in throat.----------I went to my new gf's company Xmas party. Handed her a bottle of wine and said, "Here, suck out this cork." And then I worried I was being indiscrete. I didn't have to worry, though, she already had a reputation of being a fabulous corksucker.----------gets really cold my Nepals get hardwatching the republican electionsrepublican elephant - hippo crit-----------------------------------wife & I having problems(Stoneridge Mall)got lucky at the mall grandpa fetish dolly gf me=cork, champagne cork do you know the hardest thing about changing a diaper?doing it when you're wearing it.------------------------------------so, am I jewish? 1/2 chicken sandwich------------------------------------cockroach extra spit (order w/o roaches, m says go back or get take out. get extra spit.)--------------------------------tiger woods Chevron 12/4 male lover (mistress equivalent) he is called an "orgasm" occupy guillotines=================gila monsterphotoshop summer of love child story My wife and I left college. I became a hippie mailman & she became a hippie telephone company service rep and we all lived hippily ever after.shotgun wedding I remember at Xmas I used to take my first wife shopping. The hippie girl who had my "Summer of Love" child. She was 4'11", still is, I guess. When the marriage was ending I would take her to macys and lose her in the crowd. meatballs into grout <- ask audience if right word A,B,C,D add, bipolar,class clown,depressing childhooddysfunctional adversity catheter-------------------------------------------Jeopardy category is 8-letter words. "Innuendo" contestant says, What is where do you stick a butt plug. disparaging or a derogatory nature another dirty-sounding word, Agenda.Agenda sounds busy.-------------------------------------------I have a (another) girlfriend. Well actually she's the appliance hose from the vacuum cleaner. She's different from all the girls I used to date. When I was younger, all I used to date was *white* hose.-------------------------------------------gorilla cheese sandwich. throbbing erection/flexstraw---------------------------------I have seen a lot of asian drivers. zombiesseen one parallel park? awful.---------------------------------not make light of using weed -- just saying you should light it-----------<<< ok to be old, not say hellamarried 30, b/c catholicjews don't eat pig (w/car) >>>------------------------In 1967, down the street in the Haight-Ashbury, we had a little event called the "Summer of Love." When I say "we," I mean "I". I was a hippie. Before you shout "Bullshit," take off 45 years and 60 pounds, add bell-bottom trousers, red eyeballs (from smoking dope) and a permanent shit-eating grin (same reason). *And* a full head of shoulder-length hair [bend forward & shake]. Was I not splendid? OK. It takes a lot of imagination. <<< I know most of you haven't seen an actual hippie, so after the show, if you like, for $5 you can have your picture taken with me. Only $10 more gets you a signed "Me and the hippie" certificate of authenticity, suitable for framing. A keepsake your family will treasure. [shake finger] Don't watch infomercials. >>>

Catheter Story

2012-01-19T00:22:00.000-08:00

I am coming to the conclusion I should just write these things instead of performing them.

This piece, for instance, runs for a very long time. While it gets lots of laughs, it is as far from a "set-up/punchline" format as possible. There are 2 inserted pieces of optional text.

I went to see "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" just after the first of the year, because I wanted that Movie Theater experience. A first run feature on a big screen while surrounded by hundreds of strangers carrying germs medical science cannot cure. The people sitting immediately behind you have life issues *so* important they must discuss them *during* the movie. And then, when you turn around to complain, the guy lifts his shirt and shows you his hand gun. And what runs down your leg only feels warm for a few seconds. *That* was the experience I wanted.
+++++++
There should be metal detectors in movie theaters. I can be a little nasty. So when I turned around and said, "Would you mind keeping it down?" The guy pulled a gun. You know, it only [gesture] feels warm for a minute. But I made him leave. He couldn't stand the smell of asparagus.
+++++++
After I bought my ticket, I went to the Concession Stand.

Do you know why they call it the "Concession Stand"? It's because when you go there, you've admitted defeat. You've given up. You've conceded. You'll pay whatever outrageous prices they charge. You might as well lie on your back, put your paws in the air and hope they don't come at you with one of those desiccated 3-days on the roller dog grill hot dogs, but if they do, you pray they use lots of that no-cow-was-involved butter flavored popcorn topping for lube.

I was thinking about that, with my head hanging down, moving toward the counter in that Disneyland shuffle, and didn't even look at the prices and sizes.
****************
I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink.
****************
I didn't even look at the prices and sizes. I was willing to increase my risk of coronary artery disease from the fat in the popcorn. I'm *already* diabetic, and had my insulin with me, so I didn't care about the sugar in the drink. I ordered a beverage without caffeine, because I have tremendous respect for my body. I just ordered "the biggest" popcorn and soda. 15 bucks. [p] The popcorn came out in a box as big as a small waste basket. I was in awe of it's hugeness the way both of my wives had been the first time they saw me naked. The kid brought out the soda. He was holding it in two hands. It wasn't half a gallon. I think it was a *gallon*.

I was wondering how I would carry both the soda and the popcorn and get the cup into that tiny germ laden armrest cupholder when the kid asked if I would like some help to my seat. My snacks would have their own valet. He was looking at me like "Would you kindly step aside" when I came to my senses. I *could* have asked,

"Does it come with a urinal?" [p] Maybe it would have been funny. We could have had a moment of male bonding. I've got a dick, he's got a dick. I pee through my dick, he pees through his dick, I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures it out. But I didn't. [p] I asked, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p] And I have to give him credit. Even after being flogged into mental submission by what was probably 12 years in public school, he still was curious. He replied, "What's a catheter?" [p]

Oh, you unsuspecting young person.

What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walked away. But somehow it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and began. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god-knows-what-they-will-do-to-you-if-you-cross-over-into-it) minimum-wage-employees-only space, he's holding up his hands as though to push me away and not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No." And as another kid is carrying my refreshments ahead of me into the theater, I looked over my shoulder. The kid still was crouched behind the popcorn machine.

Nursery Rhyme

2012-01-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

Too long & punny to use on stage: Andrew Jackson was on the road a lot, so he whittled a pleasuring device for his wife to use when he was away. It dried out while it sat in her nightstand. The first time she tried it, she got terrible splinters. She had to go to the Hickory Dickory Doc. Discuss.

Sebastopol, Jan. 4, 2012

2012-01-04T23:04:00.000-08:00

A good set, just for after New Year's. Almost all new.
------------------
Yeah. I can't believe he's that old either. Or that he refers to himself in the 3rd person. But isn't he splendid in his aging, bad grammartude?

Happy New Year! How we doing on resolutions? (hand up/down) UP no smoking, drinking, dope. DOWN. less masturbating? UP *more* masturbating? maybe lose weight? start exercising? just after the 1st of the year, outside my local 24 Hour Fitness, the ambulances line up like taxis, waiting for the heart attacks. [whistle] "Where to?" 'He's got a Kaiser card.' No, I'm *not* kidding. You can't make this stuff up.

For 2012, I made a resolution and become an ovo-lacto vegetarian (ask if there are any). Only applaud if you feel the love. and I plan to stick with it -- couldn't start off being a vegan (we all know that means, right? no meat, eggs or dairy) just couldn't do it cold tofurkey. turkey flavored tofu. <<<(emailed Oregon story.)>>>"veges know it. grow customer base by adding carnivores who've never heard of tofu. try FauxTurkey. add tag line, "like turkey. only better for you." they emailed back they *like* the name. Tried again. I suggested TWO names + tag line. no response. screw 'em. always fail start ovo-lacto-//more protein fisho-chicko//turkey is a big chicken and tofurkey tastes like crap, so -turko// slippery slope to -beefo-porko-sheepo-insecto. Same place I started -- except, as my wife reminded me, no ducko. Yep, for 40 years made the same resolution. always seduced by the power of the dark side of the bacon. not ridiculing vegetarians. they are right, just not pushy about it. maybe because not poisoned by hormones fed to meat animals. unlike religious zealots and members of political parties. THOSE people are pushy.
Why Notes? No brain energy to learn tonight's material. I'm a diabetic, haven't balanced my blood sugar, so the brain isn't working right quite yet.

Wife made me take her to my last carnivore meal on new year's eve. romantic lighting. Just a small candle. Waitress says: What can I bring you to start? I said, a lantern ... or a menu in braille.

Resolution to make wife happier. She's always liked it when I say her name in bed. But my memory's gotten so bad, before we start I have to take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity. And then to read it I have to leave the light on. So she's looking at a walrus, wearing a nightcap and reading glasses.

One more resolution. This year I'm going to whiten my teeth... with Photoshop.
-----------------------------
xmas parties: I once dated a woman at work. Yeah, I know. Dumbshit. Not just any woman. My secretary. At the Xmas party, when everybody was hammered, I handed her a bottle of wine and and said, "Here, suck out this cork." And she was OK with that. She was drunk. Then I worried if I was ruining her reputation. No problem, she *already* had a reputation in the company for being a fabulous corksucker.

Bunjos, Festivus, 12/23/11

2011-12-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.
===============
not sure I can do this. just learned
My wife is having an affair.
Some Native American guy. My detective says she spends all her time with "Angry Birds."
===============
My mother was a shitty parent. She never taught me the fundamentals, like brushing my teeth. They'd be whiter if I was raised by wolves. My teeth are the same color as every entree at an Indian lunch buffet. Brown, orange, yellow, gray. But for the holidays I'm working on whitening them. With Photoshop.

If you got those, congratulations on knowing tech stuff. If you didn't, congratulations on having a life.
===============
For Xmas, my wife ordered me a big, new computer monitor. delivered by fedEx.
===============
A man has a "mistress." So what does a woman have? Looked it up. A gigolo, escort, "Pool boy," "Fitness trainer." Naw. I think it's like this. A man has a "mistress." A woman has an "orgasm."
===============
Festivus contest. get my cards (with the improved teeth)

Tiger Woods won the Chevron Golf Tournament ((World Challenge Tournament)) three weeks ago ((Sunday, 12/4)), his first in 2 years. Asked how he would celebrate, he said, "It's early. I still have time to get in another 18 holes." Write your own joke.

tiger -- and the women were LINING UP
I'm not a HOLE, I'm a ho. ho, ho. Merry Xmas.
===============
"My neighbors have 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too. Symmetry." A friend, barbara garber, heard that and started to sing, "Oh symmetry, Oh symmetry, how even are your bran-ches."

- chuck e cheese's sign in Hayward
Religious moment: The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"

I remember at Xmas I used to take my first wife shopping. She was 4'11", still is, I guess. When the marriage was ending I would lose her in the crowd at macys.
======================================
A few years ago, I took a new job and started dating a woman there. Yeah, I know. At the Xmas party, I handed her a bottle of wine and said in a fairly loud voice, "Here, suck out this cork."

Then I got worried. Was I being indiscrete? Was it harassment? Not a problem. She *already* had a reputation for being a fabulous corksucker.

Anyway, she was hella drunk (is that the right way to say it?) and so she tried to do it, right there in front of everybody. Chipped her tooth. Screw top.
================
Maybe I know why my wife is unhappy. She likes it when I whisper her name in bed. But my memory's gotten so bad, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. She says it ruins the spontaneity.
==============
My parents divorced after 19 years. My first wife and I, 7 years. Our son David made it for 23 (he holds the record). We're all hoping my 20 year old granddaughter Rachel just screws a buncha guys.
Skips all that drama. (fucks)

((decide to buy gift?))

Rachel is 20 now, all grown up. Studying acting and directing at the UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television (TFT). Best school of its kind in the world. My friend Joe sent me an email that said, "You remember how you used to bounce Rachel on your knee? She still likes to bounce." I didn't understand, but clicked on the tiny link address link and I thought it said YouTube, but it said YouPORN. [p] Frequent visitors? TITLE was disturbing -- On your knees, b-word that rhymes w/ witch. OK. What kind of practical joke was this? First frame was on the screen already. There was this big buff guy, sitting on the bed wearing only a white towel. A poster child for steroids, tattoos, and sloping foreheads. I hit Play ... and in walks Rachel! [[PAUSE!!]] She's a little thing, takes after her grandma,
s dog @ macys
pigtails, a Catholic school girl's uniform. You know, the pleated plaid skirt, white blouse, white socks, and (I didn't stick around to see this, but I'm guessing) white panties. I can only tell you how it starts. I don't want to offend anybody, so I'll change the dialog a little.
[and she's a trained actress, so I can't match the way she sold her lines with body language & gestures & enunciation and the perfect volume] OK. OK. She says to the guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding night. But I can Baloney you." And I stopped the video. I'm not going to watch my little Rachel doing that.

I decided NOT to send the email to her grandmother [p]. Or her mom [p] or dad. [p] I didn't even send it to HER, because I knew she'd think I was being judgmental. She expect me to call and ask, "How much did they pay you to baloney the gorilla?" But I have to admit, as I was sitting there stunned, I was thinking, "What an actress. She isn't even Catholic."

It's not like she knows much about kneeling.

And then I called Amazon dot com and ordered her a big, stuffed teddy bear.

======================================
boomerang David. age 43.
Occupy Dad's house. actually step-mom.
now he's using my PC, criticizing my choices of bookmarked porn
in our own home, we can't be nudists anymore
eliminated at-home nudism
-----------
know what boomerang kids are?.
story abt homeless. took him in 6 months ago. now it's
His mom divorced me in 1975.

dating sites
he never outgrew being a pyro, wants to date,
so he went to their support group site (come on baby)
now he uses their favorite dating site,
nor eharmony or chemisty.com, match.com
======================================
- catheter story

I went to the movies yesterday and didn't even look at the sizes when I ordered popcorn and soda. I just said "the biggest ones." 20 bucks. [p] I swear the soda wasn't 64 ounces, or even 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces. A gallon.

First mistake:

I could have said to the 16-year old kid behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?" [p] Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding. I've got a dick, he's got a dick. I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or he hears the word and figures out what it's for. But I didn't. [p] I asked him, "Does it come with a catheter?" [p] And he replies, "What's a catheter?" [p]

Second mistake. What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away. But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. [p] So I unwrapped a straw, pinched the end, and I got on with it. [p] In just a few seconds this curious kid is backing away into the (god knows what they will do to you if you cross over into it) minimum wage employees only space and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No." So I picked up my drink, somehow avoided a hernia, walked in and saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

opened 12/20 soda/catheter story
======================================
======================================
tattoo segue to dolly... has tramp stamp
======================================

Prepare to be dazzled

2011-12-15T23:52:00.000-08:00

A bigger version of one of my pictures.

Some of my past & present bits

2011-12-12T05:09:00.000-08:00

This is a VERY loose collection of material. Some is categorized. Some just has keywords. In general, I'm considering using stuff that's at the top.

SEXUAL
----------------
inflatable gf tramp stamp

[My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my Native American name, "Walks with a limp ... dick."]

male lover (mistress equivalent) he is called an "orgasm" -- angry birds

[geek. dweeb, nerd]

The morning after pill is called Plan B. Their ads talk about contraceptive failure -- you know, the condom breaks. They say, "If Plan A fails, there's Plan B." I say, ladies, if there's a chance you'll get pregnant, why don't you say, "Let's go outback tonight"? If you don't enjoy THAT, the "Plan B" I'd suggest is Oral B (and I don't mean the toothbrush).

rachel -- "I can Baloney you or U can put it in my Butterfinger."
skip all the movie action & just focus on the outfit
those acting classes are really paying off

Hickory Dickory Doc -- Revolutionary war dildo (PUN)

elixer of youth (PUN)

Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :) (PUN)

NO >>>>>>>>>> Have you noticed some words just SOUND dirty?
Take "innuendo", a snide insinuation. Here's an example. Imagine I'm holding a big butt plug. Where should I stick it? "Innuendo".

another dirty-sounding word, Agenda
get your mind in the gutter
Vagina sounds slick. Agenda sounds crowded.

XMAS
------------
xmas music is the all-powerful god's way of saying you don't have rhythm

At a Xmas party, I handed a girl a bottle of wine and said, "Here, suck out this cork." And then I worried I was being indiscrete. I didn't have to worry, though, she already had a reputation of being a fabulous corksucker. (SEX)

bo-tox, canine Nancy Pelosi. I mean I'm sorry, I'm a life long Liberal, and I come from San Francisco, which she represents, but her face looks like it's already been carved into Mount Rushmore.

vic secret

- this house in my neighborhood has all their decorations up. they've got 2 windows in the living room and two identically trimmed trees, too. symmetry. (PUN - GOOD)

Oh symmetry Oh symmetry how even are your bran ches barbara garber

- chuck e cheese's sign -- rohnert park --
Religious moment: The "Chuck" and the "E." on the sign at our local Chuck E. Cheese's are burned out, leaving only "Cheese's" -- as in "Cheese's, this place is expensive!"

TOPICAL
----------------
I was willing to bend over backwards for my bank, but then they told me to bend over forwards.

tiger woods won chevron world challenge Sunday, 12/4. now he wants to get in 18 holes whenever he can. women are lining up. sorry. sexist. but did you see the women he was dating before?

Rod Blagojevich & Charlie Sheen coauthoring a new book "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it"

* Number #4 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.

* Number #3 - The way he treats women's skirts is underhanded.

* Number #2 - They say he's going to pull out.
- He told *me* he'd pull out, but then he got too excited.

* And the #1 Thing overheard in the ladies' washrooms at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.

OLD
--------
If you're disappointed there's some OLD guy up here, believe me, that's how I feel ALL the time.

I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Summer of Love, back in 1967.
I smoked so much dope, I have a life-long case of the munchies. (or was it obvious?) I also got a *permanent* memory loss *and* I got old, so I decided to stop apologizing for using notes.
I snorted so much coke I got a deviated septum *and* a deviated personality.
[hippie $5/photo]
It took me a while to get started because I was an actual hippie in San Francisco in the Haight Ashbury during the summer of love 1967. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. I bet if you all climbed on a truck scale, I smoked more dope than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.

Anybody here tonight under 30? I'll be 60 in December. Please, I need the pity. [a] So, I've been under 30 TWICE. The first time was way better, because as a young man, I'd wake up every morning with a throbbing erection. Now I wake up with a flex-straw. The good news is my wife KNOWS what to do with a flex-straw. Ladies, you know what I mean? The bad news is that she won't do it.

mastodons

one-cave schoolhouse

by the time my wife was born French Hospital -- they were using ELECTRIC lights GOOD

green mold on wonderbread

dog olders -- puppy makes old dog younger
hefner

guess one of the problems of getting old
- insurance geico - ereptile dysfunction (& dick-doc) (PUN)
- stoneridge mall -- "getting lucky" means when I leave, I can find the car
- memory -- so now, every night, I take a magic marker -- and write it -- on her forehead. spontaneity (GOOD)
So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me Dumbshit.

- funeral, pate de fois moi (1991) (GOOD)
I'm getting to be so old, my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're broke, so we'll do the catering ourselves. Grind my liver into a tasty cracker spread. "Pate de fois moi." Hannibal Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs" will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice ChiYANTi. f-f-f-f-f-f. Hello, Clarice.

STORY
------------
catheter (GOOD)

PARENTS
--------------------
gila monster --
the Gila monster is a poisonous lizard that lives in the Arizona and New Mexico deserts. it doesn't have fangs like a snake, it chews its poison into you slowly. and once it has a grip on you, it never lets go. even after you cut off its head, the nervous system keeps biting. That's right, it will chew venom into you even after it's *dead*.
===========================
dance on grave <<>>
urn (GOOD)

My mother never taught me the fundamentals. I'd have whiter teeth if I was raised by wolves.
And they don't floss. I'm working on it. Whitening my teeth. With Photoshop. (GOOD)
===========================

YES tofurkey (STORY)

======================================

boomerang children -- David moved back in
in-house nudity

eyes water, nose water, forehead, head, full body, convulsions, death

they really *liked* my aftershave -- KBS, no wash chin

Lesbian porn CAN be a turn on sometimes, but not usually my (OMG-pun alert) taste :)

AA batteries 69 position

cockroach extra spit

sedentary

I don't Exercise: My wife practices Kegels, so at night I never have to wish her, "Sleep tight."

garbanzo beans mangoes standing up

thesaurus (PUN)

stapleton until 1995. attacked

I studied martial arts
gentle way, way of empty fist, way of the Way of unifying with life energy
do-si-do

crab louie
cherry pie Eastwood
gender -- hidden agendas

1/2 chicken sandwich -- OLD

republican, stop sign

crows -- cable cars

horticulturist roses

bipolar
popeye 73 virgins

zi-PLOK

4th of July
-------
Around the 4th of July, I always think about my ex-gf from 40 years ago. After we broke up, she became a call girl. Now, hear me out. Yes, I AM a sex god. It's like I coached an amateur before she turned pro.
She's very patriotic. On the 4th of July she gives free oral sex to any uniformed svcman she meets -- while humming the Star Spangled Banner. Makes 'em come to attention. Don't boo.
Actually, she likes any guy in uniform. Next year she'll be working the Boy Scout Jamboree. She gives GREAT merit badge.

grand for grandma

coke

she's gonna graduate summa cum-shot.

pave way, waive pay

e-i-e-i-o

swanson TV dinners

mammogram machine

I have comedy in my blood. My ancestor was a female court jester named "Lois the Fool". She INVENTED the pun. The king liked puns so much, one day he declared, "From this day forward, let it be known that the Pun is the Lois form of humor."

OLD MATERIAL
*** When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.
When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top so now I ALWAYS screw up. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

frozen choco banana
If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. That shit MELTS. Those chocolate stains don't come out. You'll have a hard time explaining to the next visitors that you aren't incontinent. And, no the incontinent isn't Europe.

pepper/pibb biochemistry

angelina jolip

================

Very few people know Superman is Jewish. You know Superman isn't circumcized, right? He was supposed to be. But when Krypton exploded, his father Jar-el sent him here in a rocketship, still Intact.

Even Lois Lane never guessed. Let me tell you why. His parents Jor-El and mother Lara, following Jewish tradition, had scheduled the "bris", his ritual circumcision, for 8 days after their son was born.

And then, wouldn't you know it, his home planet of Krypton was about to explode. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

So his father Jor-El sent him in a rocketship to Earth, where under our yellow sun no blade can sever his "super-foreskin." The giant "S" on his chest is actually a warning label. It stands for [p] "Smeg-man." I'm sorry. Was that cheesy?

Under the yellow sun on earth, bullets can't harm him and no blade can sever his super foreskin. I hope he practices good hygiene, or else it wouldn't be like when you see a fast car on the street. You wouldn't wanna know what's under the hood. ... Super gunk.

-------------------------
LMNOP (PUN)

[clinton tattoo]
Paula Jones said she could PROVE Bill Cliinton exposed himself to her because she saw something "different" about his anatomy. Breaking years of silence, she's announced what it was. "It's a tattoo in a very unusual place", she said. "I only caught a brief glimpse of it when he dropped his pants, but I think was the name of his favorite college teacher,
Prof Hilton. When asked to confirm the story, Monica Lewinsky laughed. Apparently she got to look at it, ummm, longer. SHE says it reads,
Property of Hillary Clinton

I was in bed with this girl, who said she was a little "kinky". And asked me if I was into "watersports". I guess I'd led a pretty sheltered life. I thought she meant water POLO. So I asked her, "In water polo, how you get the horses into the pool?" Big mistake. You should have seen the look on her face. And then she explained what she wanted to do. You should have seen the look on MY face.

Hard to imagine now, and I don't mean to boast, but I used to be a sort of a stud muffin. Ran 5 miles every day. Studied martial arts. Was a ski bum in the winter. I mean, in my 20s I was a fuckin bronze god. Lemme give you an example. Ladies, don't you hate it when the guy finishes, rolls over, and falls asleep? When I was 25, I'd wake up with one woman, have a nooner with another, and was up all night having sex with a third. After doing that for a while I was so tired, one night I finished and fell asleep without rolling over. When I say "I fell asleep on her" I mean I fell asleep ON her. Man, was she pissed!

labia menorah

hitachi magic wand -- tennis ball sized vibrating surface
trying to get off an elephant -- or maybe a rhino
how do you ...?

off putting (PUN)

cosmo airplane -- how feel (GOOD)

COSMO -- taboo sex has *shrunken* head (GOOD)

xaviera collender

"sit on my facebook"

69 -- bit parts

If you DO decide to try watersports, think about the shower head.
Be careful. Even experts can drown doing shower head.

so, am I jewish? strict rule about mother. even though I went to Hebrew school, never had bar mitzvah. so NOT jewish, unless you;re willing to bend the rules, like if you're a Nazi. (GOOD)

Redwood Road dog

NO >>>>>>>>> crow canyon shoulders 12 miles

POLITICAL
------------------
-Expecting Republicans to pass anything is like you're in your car, you pull up to an intersection and you wait for the stop sign to change.

Best birthday message

2011-12-12T04:59:00.000-08:00

My friend, Comedian Bob Lieberman, speaks American Sign Language. He sent a birthday greeting: "HB, R!"
Rich Orwell: Thanks :) What's that look like in ASL, Bob?
Bob Lieberman: I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Rich Orwell: It would more deadly if you were holding nunchucks.

Company Xmas party

2011-12-10T22:51:00.001-08:00

Many years ago I broke all the "don't shit where you eat" rules and had an affair with a woman at work. I won't say any more than that, respecting her privacy. I did something less discrete, though, at the company Xmas party.

I handed her a bottle of wine and said, "Here, why don't you suck out this cork?"

It turns out I didn't have to worry about her reputation. She already was known as a fabulous corksucker.

Catheter

2011-12-08T01:06:00.001-08:00

I went to the movies and ordered the usual $20/worth of popcorn and soda and I swear to god the soda wasn't 64 ounces, it wasn't 96 ounces, it had to be AT LEAST 128 ounces. So here's where I made my first mistake. I could have said to the 16-year old boy behind the counter, "Does it come with a urinal?" Maybe we could have had a moment of male bonding. I've got a dick, he's got a dick. I've used a urinal, he's used a urinal, or at least he hears the word and figures it out. But I didn't. I asked him, "Does this come with a catheter?" And he replies, "What's a catheter?"

Here's where I made my second mistake. What I should have done, what YOU would have done, is say, "Never mind" and walk away. But somewhere in the witch's brew of brain chemistry that is my combination of A.D.D. and bipolar mania (something akin to Hunter S. Thompson on drugs) it seemed entirely reasonable to *explain* it to him. So I picked up and unwrapped a straw, and I proceeded. And in a few seconds this curious kid who had been leaning on the counter is backing away and he's not making any sound but I can read his lips forming the word "No." So I picked up my popcorn and my hernia-inducing soda and went into the theater, secure in the knowledge I had destroyed yet another young mind.

Squirmin' Cain

2011-12-01T22:22:00.001-08:00

Herman Cain material while he's still running. Feel free to use these around the water cooler.

Number #7 - He SAYS he'll withdraw, but at the last minute he loses control.
Number #6 - It USED to be 9-9-9. NOW it's 9-1-1.
Number #5 - He wants us to treat him like royalty. We're supposed to say Yes, your GOPness.
Number #4 - He admitted last week some of his dealings with women have been underhanded, specifically when he deals with skirts
Number #3 - I heard his nickname in college was "I swear to God -- it will taste like candy"-Cain. That only works one time.
Number #2 - I think he's a Don Juan-a-be.
And the #1 Thing overheard in the washroom at HC's campaign HQ. - Sure he's a successful businessman, but as a politician he is still learning the gropes.

OccuPoddy Stop

2011-11-16T22:15:00.001-08:00

Gandhi led a non-violent movement to get the British out of India. They won.

Martin Luther King led a non-violent movement to get civil rights for black people. They won.

Occupy is led by nobody. They have no agenda. They have tents and sleeping bags. They have a camping trip.

I say, Get some leaders, Get an agenda, and (if non-violence isn't going to get the job done) Get some guillotines. Shiny new Gillette Fusion Proglide guillotines with lubricated comfort strips.

The 1% screws us because we have no leadership ability. If Occupy is the best we can do, we *deserve* to be screwed.

Am I angry? Heck yeah.

Herman Cain

2011-11-14T14:22:00.001-08:00

He's finally admitted reaching under that woman's skirt.

He says it was all a misunderstanding.

She told him she wanted his help finding a position in Japan, but he wasn't
listening closely when she said she could do a really good Pacific Rim Job.

I say this tongue in cheek.

p.s. I've told this in rooms where more than 1/2 the crowd have never heard of a rim job. Awkward.

If you don't know, Google it.

maybe old; maybe new

2011-11-14T14:17:00.001-08:00

I wish I had a small-caliber machine gun on my car's roof. Then I could blast bad drivers while screaming obscenities. Gun tourette syndrome.

A lot of people say Asian drivers are the worst. They aren't. The worst drivers are zombies.
Have you ever watched a zombie try to parallel park? Awful.

Blade Runner

2011-10-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

Occupy Wall Street finally is making a list of demands. No demands, no results; no threats, no demands met. They ordered some guillotines. Like in the French revolution. Take care of the 1% that owns everything. But these are better. Gillette Fusion Proglide guillotines. They feature a lubricated strip for comfort The first 5 blades pull the head out just a little, so the sixth blade can cut through cleanly, without leaving any embarrassing neck stubble. The head will look its best when mounted on a wall or being paraded around the city on a pike. (And, by the way, by "pike" I mean a long spear; not a fish. Carrying the head around the city on a fish would send entirely the wrong message.) The machines will be free, of course. Just like with razors, the money's in the blades.

Time for you to Leave

2011-10-17T01:54:00.000-07:00

My existential nihilistic pro-suicide blog is well-written, but not everyone's cup of hemlock.

Bunjo's, Oct 14, 2011

2011-10-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

This is as close as I can remember to the set I did at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, Ca. on Oct 14, 2011. There were, of course, a few riffs on other comics in the beginning, but this was the set I'd planned and this was the set I delivered.

I'm getting better at sticking to the plan. And my timing, specifically waiting for the audience to have time to laugh, was better, too.

==============================================

I *am* the youngest, thinnest, best looking comic here tonight. (I checked)
Did you have the magic mushroom chicken?
No? Oh, in that case I'm hella fat, hella ugly and hella old.
I'm too old to say hella. There's an age limit. [hand gesture]
You must be at least this young to say hella.
How old? When I was a boy, I went to a one-cave schoolhouse.
How old? Back when I started using computers, we would hunt the
mastodon then use the tusks to punch IBM cards. That old.

When I was a boy, my father beat me with a leather strap. No, that isn't the funny part. Here's a reference you might not get. Did you see the Shawshank Redemption? Good film.

The day after his funeral, I went back to the cemetery and danced on his grave. Then I changed my name. My mom knew when she died, I'd want to dance on her grave, too, but she wouldn't give me the satisfaction. She left instructions to have herself cremated. She knew you can't dance on an urn. Believe me, I tried. I knocked it over. Then I had to vacuum her up.

Just an aside. They had a trainee grief counselor working at the crematorium. I asked if he was there on an "urn while you learn" program. His face turned, for want of a better word, ashen.

You may have seen the TV ads. Coming to San Francisco
a troupe of masturbating French acrobats, circle jerk du soleil.

Speaking of France,
When Occupy Wall Street stops being non-violent, they'll
order 10,000 Gillette brand Trac-II guillotines. The
first blade will pull the head out just a little, so the second
blade can cut through cleanly, without leaving any
embarrassing neck stubble. The aristocrat's head will look
its best when mounted, either on a wall or on a pike. The
machines will be free, of course. Gillette knows the money's
in the blades.

show at museum all summer in g g park. this is a field trip report.
In the deserts of the southwest the gila monster is
a sluggish, poisonous lizard you have to practically
step on to get it to bite you. but once it does it holds
on. it doesn't have fangs, it doesn't strike like a snake,
it chews the venom into you. And here's one thing most
people don't know. Even if you cut off its head, the
nervous system will keep it biting. It will chew poison into
you even after it's *dead*. Let's talk about my mom.

George Carlin, The American Dream

2011-10-01T16:52:00.001-07:00

Michele Bachmann. I can't say enough.

2011-09-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

If Michele Bachmann is elected President, Americans will learn more.

Tens of millions, in fact, will learn more than the first two words of "O Canada."

Now that's a hug

2011-09-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

In San Francisco, The California Academy of Sciences had a cold-blooded exhibition this summer on snakes and lizards. Their TV ad featured a Curator wrapped by a 16-foot albino python, named "Lemondrop." "Now that's a hug," the fellow said.

Here's something different.

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2011/07/snake-massage-spa-in-israel.html

I *like* snakes, especially when pronounced the Australian way, "Snaykes" (rhymes with "tykes'). What's your tyke on that, Might?

What the article doesn't mention is that the $80 includes a tasty snake sandwich, err, *steak* sandwich.

Snake, like revenge, is a dish best served cold. - Klingon Proverb

I was reminded today of a philosophical quote from the 1968 Star Trek episode, "Spock's Brain."

"Brain and brain. What is Brain?"

My proposal for an official Mensa song: "Oh the wayward brain is a restless brain, a restless brain that yearns to ponder." - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSPLSo3U46Q

It's like when I forgot my credentials and was challenged by security at the Portland Mensa convention this year. "Badges? We don' got no badges. We don' got to show you no thinking badges." -"Treasure of the Sierra Madre"

I think it's time to go feed my brain some blood sugar.

Chow

Let's get Physics-cal

2011-09-24T01:24:00.001-07:00

This is REALLY obscure, except to particle physicists. Go find one and watch the reaction :)

Scientists at CERN in Switzerland claim to have accelerated a neutrino to a speed faster than the speed of light.

The Higgs Bozo particle also goes faster than the speed of light, except it does it wearing clown shoes.

Comedian karma

2011-09-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I went to Molly's Bash at a club called Karma Fusion Lounge in Dublin, California, where an idea popped into my mind -- the Boy George 1983 classic song, "Karma Chameleon," but substituting "comedian" for "chameleon." I'll write out how it would go...

"Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Comedian."

The young lady expresses herself

2011-09-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

When the 17-year old girl in a beginning Yoga class kept having unexpected results doing apanasana, her classmates dubbed her "Teen La Queefah."

Yes, it *is* a bit obscure.

My girlfriend

2011-09-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend has a tramp stamp. It reads, "Do not over inflate."

Apparently, I need to explain that she's an *inflatable* girlfriend.

A blow to argumentation

2011-09-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

Are those making specious arguments guilty of fallatio?

I guess I should explain. There's a similar word, "fellatio," with an "e." "Fallatio," with an "a" is based on "fallacy" and "fallacious arguments." Is that any clearer now?

CBS Daily Show -- Waiting Room

2011-08-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

There was a story today about patients charging doctors for time spent in waiting rooms.

Sitting in a Urologist's waiting room, time moves so slowly you can practically HEAR it. "Dick-doc-dick-doc-dick-doc." I illustrate this by waving one hand and forearm as a metronome. Then I say, "For the reason *I* was there, however, it went like this." And then I swing it like a pendulum :)

2011 Happy Bush Year

2011-07-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

I hate to get all political here, but we've had more tornadoes than in any year, more floods than in any year, and a nearly nation-wide heat wave that's killing dozens of people. Beyond that, the nation is about to go bankrupt because of (I say) the financial policies of the Bush administration.

So write back to me is you think I'm wrong in calling this the First Annual George W. Bush Killer Tornado, Torrential Flood and Incredible Heat Wave Year. Global climate change? Of course. It's only now that the planet is broken and the country is about to go to hell financially that we know to repeal the 22nd amendment and put Bush back in office. He's our hero. He didn't do anything wrong.

At least that's the nightmare I had.

"Mensa, etc." What it means

2011-07-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

Mensa is an organization for people who have scored in the top 2% on standardized intelligence tests (e.g. they scored 131 or higher on an IQ test).

Their "AG" (Annual Gathering) is a national get-together. For some reason they frown on "Convention," "Conference," or other terms for their Regional or Annual "Gatherings."

This year, the AG was held during the end of June/beginning of July in Portland, Ore.

When I posted a request in the newsgroup to be a carpooler, I said I was a comedian but could suppress my humor by hanging my head out the window all the way. The entertainment chair offered me a spot in their After Hours room on the first night and I took it. I probably did 25 or 30 minutes in 2 chunks.

Did I forget to mention I'm a member? When I was young I was very smart. These days, not so much.

More to follow.

Mensa Portland 2011 AG

2011-07-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

I *may* get into a larger description of what the title means in a different post. Suffice it to say I was performing for an audience of very bright people.

As I explained to them, I could do my regular (very funny) act or material I *never* do in clubs -- material suited to and written for *them.* I got them to agree to the latter set then launched into it.

I'll talk about that worked and what didn't later.

----------------

Hello, Smart People!
It's OK to say that, right? I'm a smart people, too.
My name is Rich Orwell and for the last 3 years I've been a stand-up comedian in San Francisco.

Before we go any farther, I'd like to acknowledge somebody who's been helping people from out of town via Yahoo get ready for the Portland experience. She's also been working tirelessly putting together the entertainment we'll all enjoy tonight and on other evenings during the AG. Please put your hands together for Joanne Reisman. (She got a big hand and stood to take a bow)
Here's another one.

========================
I talked about my bad (too short) haircut. Semi-funny.
hair
einstein w/male pattern baldness
bozo the clown
attorneys can work for me pro bozo
so less eccentric
vietnamese issues
not seen for 1 year
republican => storm trooper or hitler youth not join
but that's what happened to my hair
========================

And let me say this just once. I joined last year and nobody *yet* has come to teach me the secret handshake. And it's already been a problem.

My wife & I were challenged at the door because we forgot our credentials and I *didn't* know the handshake, so we ended up saying, "Badges? We don' got to show you no thinking badges." That was a long way to go for a Treasure of the Sierra Madre punchline, wasn't it.
========================

Thinking what to say tonight, I found myself in a quandary. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Then I realized I was in a *quarry*.

My choice was to do material I do every week or what I really *want* to do, the jokes I can't perform in comedy clubs.

PERFORM

who's been to live comedy shows? rules

I won't think you're applauding ME. I'll know that's happening when you rush the stage and (ladies only, please) tear off your clothes and throw roses. Did you know Portland is famous for its roses?

Famous Portland roses gardens are in Washington park, about 2 miles away. Near the zoo.

I wrote this Portland riddle:
Q; Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the horticulturist cross the roses?
A: To get to the other hybrid.
[Boos]
=====================
not an AG or an RG. (for 46 years) the only gathering I've known is
woolgathering

So I haven't spent much time around Mensans. Let me hear you if you like games, and sci fi, and movies, and TV, and Shakespeare, and history, and puns, but only really GOOD puns.

Jabba the Hut exercise program
lifestyle: athletic, active, not sedentary; sedimentary

mid-day on Saturday
Have Your Photo Taken with Star Wars Characters for a $5 Donation to Charity

walks with a limp dick
[yawns -- I think there were a lot of lick dicks in the room]
========================================
Do you know the brand of plastic sandwich bags 4 out of 5 Klingon mothers prefer? zi-PLOK. <= Read it aloud to Trekkers, with accent on the last syllable; they'll get it. Glad? Only to die in bat-tle.
[good responses]
=====================
President Truman had a sign on his desk, "The buck stops here." In the original Star Trek series, Mr. Scott, the engineer, had a sign that said, "The glottal stops here." <= typically, only linguists and speech pathologists understand this one
[nothing]
========================================
Time passing in a Urologist's waiting room.
Dick-Doc Dick-Doc -- again, swinging it DOWNwards
[liked it\
=====================
for example
ENTERTAINMENT
angelina joLIP chris brown & rihanna
[nobody got it]

ENTERTAINMENT
Sheen's girls problem w/vocab
one looked like she could cross the atlantic affixed to the hull of a moving ship like a lamprey. You can't tell my audiences "lamprey."

[so what?]

Not just for mensans

Mae West goes to the Pharmacy. "Is that a pestle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? *You're* embarrassed??? I am mortarfied."
[ok]

ADULT
Garbanzo beans are also called "chickpeas". The difference between garbanzo beans and mangoes is that chickpeas sitting down while mangoes standing up.
[no]

Thyroid cancer
--------------------------
Casablanca
stick neck out for nobody to stick
-------------------------------------------------
My wife hates me, I tell you.

My doctor was worried I might have cancer in my thyroid.
It turns out I'm fine, but to rule it out, I needed a biopsy.
When they stuck the needle in my neck, her voodoo doll screamed.
[ok]
=====================
PRESENTATIONS [these were bits that referred to scheduled presentations]
************************************************
Friday, July 1 9AM-10:15AM
How We are Scammed By Statistics
by Ed Zaccaro
A sigma is a "standard deviation" is a foot fetish.
A *non*-standard deviation is bestiality.
************************************************

ME / WIFE
Sunday, July 3 6:15pm
Minimizing Your Risk in the Next Apocalypse
I'm not bothered by this rapture business. This is my second marriage. I'm already enjoying the afterwife

FOOD
Sunday, July 3 10am
M-Chef SIG Meet & Greet

Bad Tapioca is Off Pudding [ok]

Did you hear about the banana
that worried about getting older?
(Distraught.) Overrot. [boos and applause]

the 1st time I heard about a grilled cheese sandwich I thought it was a *gorilla* cheese sandwich
The difference between making a grilled cheese sandwich and a gorilla cheese sandwich is that for one you have to milk the gorilla [ok]

If you order your food with
"No spit" or "Light Spit,"
You'll always get it with "Extra Spit." [ok]
************************************************
YOGA
A Yoga posture (we might learn in Ken's morning classes for the next few days) is called an "asana."
The passive-aggressive Yoga posture is the "kiss my" (asana.) [nothing]
************************************************
Sunday afternoon
The Other Down Under
Enjoy slides and stories from Marcia and Steve's trip to New Zealand
The table wine is served at the Wellington (New Zealand) Military Academy is Mutton Cadet. [nothing]
************************************************
L'CHAIM
How about the Mossad's way of dealing with Nazis, the "Kurt Waldheimlich Maneuver"? It's a lot like the Heimlich Maneuver, except you do it, holding a knife. [ok]

>>>>>> The Jewish blessing that your daughter's eyebrows don't grow together, "brooke shields" [good]

Subject: Mood check
You can tell Bipolars' moods by having them spit into a glass of water. If it sinks, they're depressed. If it floats, they're phlegm-buoyant. [very good]

>>>>>> Pure Mensa

Imitation is *not* the sincerest form of flattery. "Drooling" is. [very good]

Don't Focus on the Minutiae. Take it with a Grain of Gestalt. [good]

Epistemology leads to Epistaxis [nothing]

Movies/TV
=============
Fans of I Love Lucy might understand this story. Attila returns from a campaign of raping, pillaging and plundering. He shouts to his wife, "Hi, Homey, I'm Hun!" [ok]
=====================
Yogi Bear and friends retired from making cartoons and is performing at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland -- by the way, it's a 5 hour drive south of here. Yogi has the title role in Julius Caesar, where his last line is, "Et tu, Boo Boo?" <= Now, I do a GREAT Yogi Bear impersonation, but this dies a horrible death every time I tell it. [not]
=====================
>>>>>> I want to make a movie about the Iranian revolution but I can't find people to cast aspersions. [no]
=====================
Johnny Weissmuller was throwing a party when his agent called to tell him he'd been cast in another Tarzan movie. He announced it to those assembled, saying, "Once more unto the breechcloth dear friends. Once more." [ok]

ENTERTAINMENT
>>>>>> a ballerina walks into a barre and bruises her thigh.
oh, that couldn't happen. it must have been Natalie Portman. [no. damn!]
=====================
ADULT
>>>>>>>>>>> My wife's response the first time I wished her a good night by saying, "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." was "We don't have bedbugs and I ALWAYS sleep tight. I do Kegels." [no. they were too old.]

ME
I take Cialis every day for E.D. The "moment was right" last week, but I slipped getting out of that damned bathtub [no. they don't watch TV)

ME
kate & william teeth
demand birth certificates. too white & too straight.
My family goes back to the Magna Carta -
1215 - now = 900 years
that's a lot of bad teeth
mine like every curry entree on an indian lunch buffet -- various shades of brown.
ETC. I whiten my teeth with Photoshop. (KILLED!)

ME
We're so poor, we're planning to cater my funeral *ourselves*. We're having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread, "pate de fois moi." Hannibal Lecter will stop by to have it with some fava beans and a nice chi-Yan-ti. (killed)

tell you why -- David
David was what we sometimes called a "Love Child." Actually, more of a "Summer of Love" child. moved in with us. severely limiting our
decades-long lifestyle choice of in-home nudity. [good]
------------------------------------------------------
ME / WIFE
on August 1st, Ladies & Gentlemen, my wife & I will celebrate our 30th anniv.
the credit doesn't go to me or her., it goes to the pope.
Italian catholic marriages really DON't end in divorce.
It's more likely my marriage will end with a bullet to the back of my head.[p]
and that could happen [ok]

in vitro corleone ... don petri [ok]
=====================
CLEVER
The dinosaur with the largest vocabulary was the Thesaurus.
Specifically a Thesaurus named Roget. [ok]
=====================
ME / WIFE
8/1/11 was 8/1/81.
Pretty clever of her, ehh. I remember her exact words. "You forget an anniversary like 8-1-8-1, and my uncle will break your kneecaps. Very sweet. [ok]
=====================

At the end of the days

2011-07-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

After my performance at the AG in Portland Thursday night (6/30/11), I wrote this. It may be the funniest thing I wrote or told during the trip.

At her 4th of July party, my neighbor had boxes of Orange Creamsicles in ice chests. I hadn't had one since I was a kid. Wow! Amazing taste and texture. It must have taken me all of 5 seconds to eat it. So I took a second one. It disappeared in no time. I reached for a third one and realized I was working my way into a diabetic coma. It didn't matter. Kids came up to me and fought to get their little mitts on the Creamsicles. I fended them off.

I had to join a 12-stick program.

I Don' Got to Show You No Stickin' Badges

2011-05-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

I hate wearing badges at conventions. Not the press-on sticky ones. Those are fine. I hate the ones I have to pin to my shirt. I'm clumsy and always end up with a nipple piercing.

I came up with a much better version of this while at the show.

Instead of saying something like, "*WE* don' got to show you no stickin' badges," I made it singular and related to security.

"I don' got to show you no thinkin' badges."

The change from stickin' to thinkin' works much better.

Finding my "Voice"

2011-04-17T00:10:00.000-07:00

I've gotten more serious about Comedy. No, there's no contradiction. Whoever said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard," was right. [There is, BTW, some controversy about who said it first.]

I can be very funny one-on-one or one-on-small-group in an interactive, ad lib exchange. Being glib and having a repertoire of material make for the appearance of wit. Perhaps it's not merely "the appearance" of it.

That, however, has nothing (or certainly very little) to do with being a stand-up comedian. There are the writing of material, arranging it into "sets" (short acts), and developing the stage performing skills to deliver what you write. Very different from being entertaining to somebody you've just met.

And so I'm going to spend an hour (and some hard-earned money) with a coach next month. The object of the exercise will be to identify my "voice." What is the stage persona that will work best for me? Will there be different personae for different audiences? At my age (61), the audience will have certain expectations of me. Should I be professorial?

Should I be a dirty old man? A major problem being that young people find old men talking about sex to be "creepy."

Should I build a fresh act every day based on current events? That's what late night TV show hosts do (or rather what their writers do). But I'd run into the problem that many audience members don't: 1. read newspapers, 2. watch network news, or 3. watch CNN, MSNBC or Fox News. Many actually get their news from late night comedy shows.

I could just spew out brilliant puns, but they aren't funny. Some people won't get them (and resent me for it). Others will get them and say, "He's very clever." Being clever is not the same as getting the audience to laugh.

I probably have written 20-30 minutes of autobiographical material, but I'm not sure an audience would want to hear it.

Hence my need for some guidance.

But wait, there's more.

I have a database of 200 jokes I'd written up until I took a year off to work through some major health issues. I went through them and culled out 50 I didn't think were very good. The 150 remaining gags may or may not be very good, but I can string a variety of them together into things that works.

I've been getting back on stage again now for 3 months and wrote [some number of] new gags. In the last 2 days I went through the notes I made before each performance and
pulled together a comprehensive list of them. I'll determine how many new bits there are whilst I key them into the database. I plan to bring everything when I meet my coach -- who might hate me for it :)

I might even do what I've done before: post them to this blog.

Sarah Palin Visits Israel

2011-03-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

In her credential-establishing trip outside the U.S., Sarah Palin is visiting Israel, She's already made some mistakes. She referred to the Prime Minister as "President Netangoogle." He immediately called his good friend at CBS, Bob Shieffer, to whom he said, "Holy Shiksa, Bob!"

Et tu, Reader?

2011-03-15T01:15:00.000-07:00

Today, 3/15, is the Ides of March.

Why don't you go enjoy a nice Caesar Salad?

Charlie Sheen isn't so bad

2011-02-28T21:47:00.000-08:00

This only works for people who've watched Soul Train, a show that started in the 1970's and ran for 35 years. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soul_Train Hosted and produced by Don Cornelius, I describe it as American Bandstand, but with people who had rhythm and could dance. I mean no disrespect to Dick Clark, but a high rating for a song because it "had a good beat and was easy to dance to" just indicated the white kids on stage weren't very talented dancers.

Anyway, so Martin Sheen says of his children, "Emelio is a good boy. And Charlie isn't such a bad boy. The real black sheep of the family is Afro Sheen."

You see Afro Sheen was a product From Johnson Products advertised on Soul Train every week.

Maybe you had to be there.

Slogan for Charlie Sheen

2011-02-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

New slogan for Charlie Sheen: "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it."

One of my old lines

2011-02-19T00:38:00.001-08:00

The difference between Dr Pepper and Mr Pibb is Biochemistry. If Mr Pibb hadn't flunked Biochemistry, he'd be a doctor, too.

This belongs on a T-shirt!

2011-02-17T03:08:00.000-08:00

I ordered the first 2 T-shirts today that have things I wrote:

Think Globally
Act Locally
Go Hang Yourself

and

Take it with a
grain of
GESTALT

I need to decide if I want to sell them on the internet.

I also need to decide what other things to say.

I smiled just now

2011-01-14T00:06:00.000-08:00

I performed 6 minutes of stand-up comedy tonight. It wasn't very good and I was the (something like) 15th out of 17 performers. The crowd had gone; only comics were left. It's tough to get those guys to laugh.

While browsing the web tonight, I thought of something I wanted to post. And so I came to this site and saw the two pictures of Starbuck I'd put up after he died. Despite the fact I miss him terribly every day, I smiled instead of bursting into tears. He would have liked my funny idea, too. Or, at least, he would have *pretended* to like it, just to humor me. He was a very good audience for comedy material. If his spirit is nearby, he'll be laughing when he reads this.

I saw an ad for Oxnard College in Ventura County (Southern California). I thought, "The way to get your Oxnard is to rub its belly."

Starbuck would have enjoyed the silliness. And then we would have played.

Starbuck (4/9/1997-11/26/2010)

2010-12-29T23:22:00.000-08:00

Various of my pages feature pictures of my Cardigan Welsh Corgi, Starbuck. I have a collection of his photos on my Facebook page, Starbuck photos on Facebook

He may have been the most beautiful dog this world has ever seen. Not just his looks, which were extraordinary, but his sweet and loving nature.

"Black Friday" was really a dark day for us this year. On the morning after Thanksgiving, we had to put Starbuck to sleep. Even now, a month later, when I write words like these, I want to shout to our veterinarian, "Stop! Don't do it! Don't kill our boy!" But I can't un-do what's done.

I wouldn't, of course, even if I could. It was the right decision. I know if we'd asked Starbuck, he would have said, "I want to love you and make you happy forever. I don't care about the pain." But we loved him, too. We couldn't let him suffer.

His ashes and a little clay paw print are 6 feet away. I don't pull those things out when I want to talk to him. I just talk to the place I know he'd be sitting if he were here.

Playing Doctor's Office

2010-09-03T01:11:00.000-07:00

I went to see the doctor Tuesday. The receptionist said, "He's running behind." I said, "I know all about that. I had to start taking Imodium."

Islamic Martyrs Get 72 Virgins?

2010-08-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this whole "72 Virgins" thing for a while. I wrote a joke about it I published here before that I'll retell below, but I got to wondering what the specific attraction is. What about it would help convince a young man to become a suicide bomber?

I have an idea, but nobody with whom to confirm or deny it. Here it is anyway.

The little I know about Islam suggests they frown upon (forbid?) premarital sex. That means many/most/all the young men who blow themselves up have never had sex before. If you were one of those men, you wouldn't want to get to Heaven/Paradise, have sex for the first time, and have the woman tell you, "You are the worst lay I ever had, you premature-ejaculating pencil dick." I can see how that wouldn't be a very desirable experience. It wouldn't make *me* want to blow myself up.

The "72 Virgins" offer, on the other hand, is enormously attractive. For 72 times in a row a woman would say, "So THAT is sex. I had always wondered. Making love with you was the most fabulous experience of my life." Or something like that.

By removing the sexual performance anxiety from young male virgin zealots, those issuing the orders have a far greater likelihood their men will follow through with their missions.

BTW, there are many *female* suicide bombers, too. I wonder what they get promised.

And now the aforementioned joke ...

Islamic suicide bombers are promised 72 virgins in Heaven. If Popeye the Sailor became a suicide bomber, he'd get 73. He'd have that extra virgin, Olive Oyl.

Dating somebody at work

2010-08-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

When I was very, very young, I dated a woman where I worked.

We all gave her a 21st birthday party (I *said* I was young), and somebody brought a bottle of wine -- but no corkscrew. I handed her the bottle and asked (in a normal voice), "Why don't you suck out the cork?" Everybody, including the girl and me, thought this was very funny.

Only a very special set of circumstances made that moment work. But it did.

Telling Jokes, It's Like an Addiction

2010-07-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm suffering serious withdrawal symptoms from not performing stand-up on stage.

Today I went into Trader Joe's and was unable to resist the impulse to tell these:

A man was telling an acquaintance about his buying a Jack Russell Terrier. I walked over and said, "If your dog is too hyper, give it some booze. The Jack *Daniels* Terrier is much more mellow." Laughs.

Checking out, two relatively young employees were talking about current cultural things (bands, movies, etc.). I said, "Have you heard about that new vampire movie, where the vampire becomes a gardener? It's called Eclipse the Lawn." Laughs again.

The environment in which I'm living now, my mother-in-law's rumpus room, doesn't lend itself to inventing many jokes.

Oh, one left-over from the World Cup. Guess who defeated the USA? Ghana with the Win. I looked for it on Google and found several sports writers had used the same line. Oh well, nothing new under the sun.

If you're so smart, why ain't you rich, Rich?

2010-05-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

I belong to a small group, having perhaps 200 members worldwide, called "UAMSIG."

The "SIG" part stands for "Special Interest Group." There are all kinds of SIGs, all around the world. Wikipedia's definition at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special_Interest_Group is a good one. You might take a break and visit their page before you continue reading this.

OK ... so do you know what a "SIG" is yet? If not, go back and follow that Wikipedia link. I'll tell you one organization that has a bunch of SIGs: Mensa, the High IQ Society. Mensa encourages its members to form groups, large and small, to learn about or promote whatever subjects interest them.

In my group, UAMSIG, the "UAM" stands for "UnderAchieving Mensans." We *may* be the smartest people you'd ever meet who never accomplished anything of significance. Not that everybody in the group fits that description. Some *have* accomplished things, perhaps enormously important things, yet feel they haven't lived up to what they *should have* done with their talents.

I, however, *am* one of those who've never done squat with their lives. What makes this a particularly egregious waste of a talented mind is that Mensa requires an IQ of 131 for membership. Eligibility, therefore, requires only that your IQ be in the top 2% of the population. The USA's population is over 300 million. If they wanted to, 6 million of those people could join Mensa.

My IQ is considerably higher. The actual number doesn't matter, but Mensa represents the highest 2%, the "98th percentile." I'm in the top third of one percent. I don't think of myself as special, because there are a lot of people as smart or smarter than I am. About a million of them in the USA.

And it's inappropriate to call myself "smart." I'm smart at taking IQ tests. And IQ tests measure only a limited set of mental skills. If I were *really* smart, I'd be doing something with it.

Hence, UAMSIG.

After I was fired from one of many jobs (maybe 25 years ago), my ex-boss was kind enough to arrange an interview for me with a "headhunter" -- an executive recruiter. Now I don't generally run around telling people my IQ. I never have. This blog post is an exception, because I want to point out how *not* smart I've been in living my life -- but sometimes (like when I had that job) what I say or do reveals I'm intelligent.

The first thing the headhunter said to me was, "I hear you're a genius." I was surprised. I thought for a moment but still couldn't think of anything better to say than, "Yes." I realized, years later, that the right response wasn't "Yes," it was "At what?" If my ex-boss had told the headhunter, and the headhunter told *me*, maybe I would have had a direction to go with my life. Of course the headhunter might have replied, "He didn't say you were good at *doing* anything; only that you're really smart." That wouldn't have done me any good.

As I said, I don't go around telling people my IQ score. About all I've used my intellect to do is write comedy material. Mensans love "word play" -- puns and such. Far too much of my comedy material is that sort of thing. Maybe that's why my act hasn't "taken off" yet.

In one or more other posts here I talk about having been a hippie in the Summer of Love in San Francisco, 1967. I'm pretty sure I smoked enough dope that summer to burn out a significant number of brain cells. Luckily (for my membership application to Mensa, anyway), I took the test a few years earlier.

1st post in a long time

2010-05-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

I had the first funny thought in a long time.

It's just a stupid pun [well, alright, a clever pun], but it's nice to think of something that amuses me.

"A man with an eidetic memory can usually picture the last time he slept under a down comforter."

I considered putting spoiler space in here, but what the heck.

I'm using "eidetic" as a pun on "eider." An "eidetic memory" is commonly called a "photographic memory." Hence, "picture." A down comforter is made with "eider down" -- duck feathers. That's really all I can tell you.

Remember, you can't get down off an elephant but you *can* get down off a duck.

Bipolar

2010-03-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

I think you hear a lot of people talk about being bipolar who actually *aren't*. So I thought I'd tell you a story from somebody who *is*.

It's a tad boring and technical (because it involves medical malpractice). It's also emotional, because I was the patient who experienced the pain and suffering. So I decided to break it up with "bipolar jokes" I've written over the years.

For instance, I think this the only one I've told on stage. Depending on my perception of the savviness of the crowd, I sometimes tee it up by saying, "I'm bipolar. They used to call it "manic-depressive." Big mood swings. Lemme see if I can explain it." and then "Being bipolar is like buying a Peter Paul candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you just wanna f@#$ing kill yourself."

I'm tired now, so I'll continue later.

A horny dilemma

2010-03-27T01:11:00.000-07:00

When some people are having trouble making a decision, they say they're "In a quandary." Others say they're "Between a rock and a hard place." I think one word combines the two ideas: "Quarry." It's a hard place where there is plenty of rock -and- it sounds a lot like "quandary."

So, let's begin a slang trend. The next time you're facing a difficult decision, tell people you're "In a quarry."

You rock!

Aging, Broadway Musicals, and the News

2010-03-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people say I should just "be me." That I should tell jokes I like, even if I know they're wrong for the audience at hand on a given night. They say not to pander to the crowd; not to "dumb down" my act.

I don't to listen to such advice, at least not completely. Yes, I put in some bits only a few audience members will get, but I hope those people will explain them to the ones that don't. I try to get the audience to rise to the material. But I can't make an entire act out of such material.

A case in point: There's this former Congressman Eric Massa who's apparently admitted to having gay sex, even in the Navy. A new term is entering the mainstream, just as "teabagging" once did, and the term is "snorkeling." Rather than explain them, I'm going to let you look up each one. So, first of all, this bit requires an audience of news hounds, people who have heard of Massa and the "snorkeling" act he's supposed to have committed.

Which brings us to Aging and Broadway Musicals. Not everybody follows Broadway Musicals any more. In fact, probably few people do. There was a time when more people did. That was back when I was a child and watched their touring companies play in San Francisco.

And so, I have a bit I think is very funny, but cannot tell, I'll tell it to *you*, but I'll add an explanation afterwards. If you need me for anything later tonight, I'll be quietly chuckling to myself.

This is how the snorkeling song begins:

Get-ting be-low you
Get-ting to blow all a-bout you

Leaving it up to you, as I did, to find out the meaning of "snorkeling," I'll tell you there's a song in the musical "The King and I" called "Getting to Know You." If I thought more people would understand that fact, I'd write more verses.

Not that it matters, but I saw Yul Brynner play the King both on stage in San Francisco (1951-1954) and in the movie version (1956). Et cet-er-a, et cet-er-a, et cet-er-a.

Girl Scout Cookies

2010-03-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season for Girl Scout Cookies. The little darlings and their mothers are sitting behind collapsible tables outside every supermarket. For fun, I like to walk up and point to one of the girls while saying to the Mom, "Wow! Will you look at her sash? That's impressive. Does she have her fellatio merit badge yet?"

This inevitably is followed by the Mom attempting to leap over the table to tear my eyes out. I haven't yet seen a Mom do it in a single high jump move. Most require stepping up onto the table. Some actually have to push a girl out of her chair, so they can step onto the chair to get up onto the table. Their intensity and focus is such that they never lose eye contact and never even consider walking around the table.

It is important, while the Mom is negotiating the table, to beat a hasty retreat.

I'm still waiting for two things to happen: 1. A Girl Scout asks the Mom, "What's 'fellatio?'" and 2. A Girl Scout says to me, "I've got that merit badge. What do I have to do to get you to buy some cookies?"

Happy Olympics

2010-02-12T21:41:00.001-08:00

I'll get around to posting my set notes from several weeks ago, I promise. I've been fighting a nasty cold.

My topical joke of the day is this:

"The Israeli Winter Olympic team has skiers who specialize in the Giant Shalom."

Slow start to the new year

2010-01-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

I intentionally didn't book many gigs in January. Nor did I try to increase the number of venues where I perform. I wanted to slow down and decide whether to make the commitment to become a serious performer.

Geography plays a role. Tommy's and Bunjo's (in Pleasanton and Dublin, respectively) are each about 5 miles away. Other clubs where I perform are in Sunnyvale and San Francisco, a 40-minute drive or BART ride away. Other clubs where I have not yet performed are all over the Bay Area. I simply have to decide to invest the time and gas money to get there.

I had a good set at Bunjo's tonight (the text of which I will post later) and am booked at Roosters for next Wednesday, plus Wharf Room February 16 and 23rd. I'm also in competitions at Roosters and Bunjo's over the next few months. So I guess I'm starting to get busier. Yes, I *do* like performing.

Slap-Happy New Year!

2010-01-02T17:44:00.000-08:00

I got all anal retentive over the holidays. I went through my database of over 220 bits to select only the ones I thought were worth telling. These were almost all things I'd told successfully before, plus a few I hadn't told yet but decided to give a chance. There were also a few new things I'd told but hadn't added to the database yet.

I ended up with around 100-120 bits, many of which I'll only use in certain topical situations (e.g. Sarah Palin, Bill Clinton, or George W. Bush jokes).

I picked 21 that I might use last night. Of those I ended up telling 8. Going up, as I did, last, I was able to make much of it sound as though I had written it on the spot as responses to the other comics' material.

My opening was, "I made a New Year's Resolution to memorize my set ahead of time, but f$%k that." I need to re-evaluate my position. *Actual* comics *do* have their sets ready to deliver. I need to decide if I want to pursue stand-up or become an author.

Wharf Room -- Dec 08, 2009 -- the Actual Set

2009-12-09T02:24:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to say I got more than the 7 minutes I expected, in fact I didn't get the light until 7:30. It worked out really well, because I had trimmed the set down considerably from what I wrote (Duh! THAT set was 12 minutes long) and really worked to slow it down and wait for the laughs.

Got some serious laughs from the large, friendly crowd and a couple of serious applause events, too.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. And one thing Dr Brian didn't tell you, because I didn't tell him, and Friday I'll be 60. Could I get a cheap round of applause? I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year this year at age 59.

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, member of mensa. But after my freshman year was the summer of 1967, the Summer of Love in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin.

A lot has changed in the last 42 years. If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. [LOUD LAFFS] I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance. [SOME LAFFS]

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. [SOME LAFFS] And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that. [HUGE LAFFS]

In 28 years, I learned the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ... men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. It has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit. [BIG LAFFS]

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get 72 virgins. popeye would get 73, because he'd have that extra virgin olive oyl. [HUGE LAFFS & APPLAUSE]

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew [SOME LAFFS, SOME GROANS]

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine" (I fluffed this, but got good audience interaction recognizing it)

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE
[this didn't go over AT ALL. I closed saying] I like to end with a big laugh. Apparently that won't happen tonight.

[GOT LAFFS FOR HOW I HANDLED THE EXIT] [NICE APPLAUSE]

Wharf Room -- Dec 8, 2009 -- The set I wrote

2009-12-08T01:59:00.000-08:00

I wrote this 12-minute set for tonight's show at the Wharf Room at Castagnola's. I'll only have 6-8 minutes of stage time, so I thought to post all of it here.

There's no brand-new material here, altho I've only used some of it a few times. Mostly it's tried-and-true.
-------
Yes, I *am* Rich Orwell. This is not a superhero disguise. I have a small problem with procrastination. I started doing stand-up this year and Friday I'll be 60. By applause, is it OK for a comic to start at age 59?

I used to be smart and ambitious. Started college at 16, but didn't graduate until 43. Why? Because the summer after my freshman year was 1967, the Summer of Love in San Francisco, and I was an actual hippie. I'm available for photos after the show. Yeah, back in the day, shoulder-length hair, red eyeballs, and a permanent shit-eating grin. You're a pretty big crowd but I smoked more dope in 3 months than you all weigh. Lemme tell you, it makes that "ambition" thing fly *right* out the window.

If you don't want a photo, perhaps you'd like a copy of my memoire. "Going Rogaine."

I'm getting to be so old my wife and I are planning my funeral. We're both broke, so I'll have to cater it myself. I'm having my liver ground into a tasty cracker spread. Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs will come over and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chiYANti. f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f. If you missed Silence of the Lambs, you really oughta rent the DVD.

I know there are people who will want to dance on my grave, so to piss them off I'm having myself cremated. Good luck dancing on an urn, boys! All they'll be able to do is hop up and down like in The Karate Kid. "He's dead, Mr. Miyagi."

I studied martial arts. Judo, the gentle way, Karate-do, the way of empty hand, Aikido, the way of unity with life energy. But I wasn't any good at any of them until I discovered do-si-do, the way of the square dance.

I'm bipolar. Bipolar means big mood swings. They used to call it manic depressive,
Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut. And sometimes you just wanna kill yourself. I like to call it "BIP-olar" because BI-POLAR sounds cold and clinical but BIP-olar sounds, I dunno, perky.

I've been married for 28 years, because my wife's Catholic.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Parents, Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I am suffering, once again, an enormous let down. My granddaughter Rachel is NOT one of Tiger Woods' mistresses. Rachel's working her way thru UCLA film school by making videos. I saw the beginning of one on YouPorn.com. She comes into a bedroom wearing a Catholic schoolgirls uniform and tells the male actor she's saving her virginity for her wedding night, but she can do him orally or he can stick it in her butt. Her grandmother and I couldn't be more proud. What an actress. She isn't even Catholic.

Before we moved across the bay, used to live 8 blocks from here. You know Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world? I don';t recommend walking it from here. It's only 8 blocks, but that's 8 blocls as the crows fly and in San Francisco the hills are so steep even the crows take cable cars.

Every year on our anniversary I get my wife a dozen roses. But, as I said we're broke, so this year I got her 2 dozen red IOUs.

Which reminds me. Why did the horticulturist cross the ROSES? To get to the other hybrid.
I made it up, I'm proud, I don't give a shit
And You know what they say about horticulture. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker, ladies and gentlemen.

Kay jewelers is running xmas ads on TV. It's rough going to the mall. begins with p.
pissed her off

In 28 years, I learned
the difference between men & women. Ladies, would you agree with me ...
men simple & obvious. And men, is it true that women are complex & mysterious creatures. genitalia.
hidden agendas

Show me by applause if this has ever happened to you. You're sitting on the toilet when you realize there's no toilet paper. Am I the only one? And when you live with somebody, what do you do? You yell, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." And she yells back, "No shit!" Is that good advice or an expression of disbelief. I don't know, No shit.

roman polanski out of jail friday on 4.5mill bail lots of oral sex and anal sex

There will be trials for accused 9/11 terrorists in New York City.
Suicide bombers are told they get
72 virgins. popeye

Big controversy about mammograms last week. Should it be once a year for women over 40 or every 2 years for women over 50. I asked my wife where she stands on mammograms, she said "in front of a really uncomfortable machine"

not enough H1N1 vaccine to go around, if rush limbaugh got scared and fled the country,
would anybody wonder where the swine flew

Last week Chelsea Clinton, a Methodist, got engaged to her long-term boyfriend Marc Mezvinski, who is a total Jew. People are speculating which one will convert to the other's faith. Chelsea and Marc have known each other for like forever and went to Stanford together. If you remember, Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with Monica Lewinsky because they only had oral sex. After that, the joke was when Hillary visited Chelsea at Stanford and asked "Have you had sex yet?", Chelsea answered "Not according to Dad." Going back a few years, Peter Paul and Mary were popular back when Bill Clinton and Hillary were dating in college. One night Hillary came back to the dorm and her roommate asked, "How did your hair get all sticky?" and Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind." Well, she didn't HAVE to turn her head. She could have swallowed.

man = human cannonball
crab = crustacean cannonball
sound different
human cannonball goes Ka-Boom
crustaciean cannonball goes crab LOUIE

Twas the Day After Thanksgiving

2009-11-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

I wrote this after the deaths at a Toys 'R' Us store in Riverside County, California, on Black Friday in 2009. Two women got into a fight, then their husbands went to their cars, brought back pistols, and shot each other dead.

Toys 'R' Us Xmas

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving
when all thru the store
not a creature was stirring
the cops held the door

the bodies were stacked by the entrance with care
in hopes that the coroner
soon would be there

the bargains were won
by the hares, not the tortoises
and clutched in their hands
for all time -- rigor mortises

The autos were nestled, all parked in their lots,
The ammo was loaded, when out rang the shots;
Mom in her Kevlar, I in my red shirt,
Learned two shoppers were down -- hoped no reindeer were hurt.

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Blitzen!
I wet myself thoroughly, my pants full of shitzen
"To the end of the aisle! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! get away from the mall!"

Gurneys to hearses, and the cops blew their whistles,
And away they all flew, tagging toes, ducking missiles.
But I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
"Half off, aisle 4, and to all a good-night."

More about my "High-atus"

2009-11-27T17:21:00.000-08:00

I had a somewhat wretched set on Thanksgiving Eve.

First, I flipped a coin to see who would go 1st vs. 4th of 9 comics -- and lost. I had to go on first. An unenviable position.

More importantly, I lost all sense of time and had to have music play me off the stage. I heard afterward that I had gotten the one-minute light 3 times, but missed it each time. I was definitely dazed up there, like a deer in headlights. Hence the hiatus until I get used to the new meds.

Actually, most of the new jokes worked. All the older stuff worked, of course. I had a few huge laughs and some applause. Very gratifying. Some of the new stuff, however, did not work. I felt like I was talking out of turn in a library :)

I made an audio recording. I might transcribe some of it here later.

My "atus" is as high as an elephant's eye.

2009-11-26T05:16:00.000-08:00

I'm putting my stand-up comedy "career" on hiatus until my bipolar meds stabilize.

My brain is numb. I see things through a fog.

I remember an old Bill Cosby line, "My tongue is asleep and my teeth itch." Yeah. It's like that.

The title is derived from "Oh, What a beautiful morning."

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like its climbin' clear up to the sky.

Chorus:
Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way.

Comfortabler?

2009-11-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

Is there such a word as "Comfortabler"? I mean the comparative state of "more comfortable."

I looked at the video from last night at Bunjo's and noticed that, while my memory was still useless (so I had set notes on stage with me), I appeared loose and relaxed. That's the way I felt, too, more so than I can remember.

I *know* the things I'm still doing wrong. Too many (ummm, you know, what can I tell you?) "non-words" and too many words in general, but (despite that) I'm getting into an easier delivery style with more audience rapport and interaction.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

2009-11-14T05:25:00.001-08:00

Papillon: "Hey you bastards, I'm still here." (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070511/)

Busy days at open mics & showcases lately. Last night (Friday) at Bunjo's, Monday at Tommy T's, Wednesday at Rooster T. Feather's.

Mostly, however, I've been distracted by real-life events. I'll write more when I can.

(Semi-)Famous again

2009-11-14T05:11:00.000-08:00

I got on CNN (albeit anonymously) for a second time, having my email on screen and read aloud by Jack Cafferty on the Wolf Blitzer "Situation Room" show yesterday. The subject was H1N1, so I sent the comedy line I wrote months ago. You can see it online ("Rich writes: If Rush Limbaugh got scared and fled the country, would anybody wonder where the swine flew?") near the bottom of the transcript at http://rhetorich.com/CaffertyFile.htm.

If I could live on laughter, I would. Money, however, is necessary.

I'm a lazy sack o' stuff

2009-11-03T01:46:00.000-08:00

Not enuf energy to write. Here are 2 brief bits from the Halloween Comedy / Costume Party at Bunjo's in Dublin on Saturday night.

"White Belt"

"Horticulture"

Obama is more Nobel than George W. Bush

2009-10-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush. Ain't nothin' to say.

Why did Obama win the Nobel Prize? Because he isn't George W. Bush.

Without getting into why the rest of the world thinks more highly of Obama than Bush, or why *I* do, let's simply compare them on one criterion: Intelligence. Obama is a smart man. Bush is what's been called "not intellectually curious."

"Intellectually curious" means seeking out new information, a desire to learn, the willingness to admit when one is wrong and correct those misconceptions, the ability to integrate new facts into one's world view.

Here's an example. George W. Bush learned to sing "Old MacDonald had a farm" by heart as a very young child and STILL believes "farm" is spelled "e-i-e-i-o."

Bunjo's - Sept 25, 2009 - Most of the actual set

2009-09-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Some of the things other comics before me mentioned:

Both Sean and DrB talked about candy bars.

Patrick talked about his mother being a heavy smoker.

DrB talked about walking his dog.

Mac made a Scooby Doo "Wuh?" sound talking about his reaction to a child's bad behavior in a store.

Fillmore talked about couples who've been married a long time not performing oral sex.

My routine went a little bit like the following. The order is probably not correct, and I abbreviated at the end bits you've heard before.

--------------
Yes, I'm here to sell you insurance from the AARP. I *am* Rich Orwell, the youngest, most attractive comic here tonight. I had this really tight set prepared, but I've got ADD, so I'm gonna toss it out and just talk about what the other guys said. I think I know where the ADD came from. Patrick talked about his mother being a heavy smoker. My mother smoked 3 packs a day of unfiltered Camels every day from the age of 18, including when she was pregnant with me. I was swimming in amniotic fluid that was basically a toxic waste dump. I spun around so much trying to get out that I wrapped my umbilical cord 4 1/2 times around my neck. I couldn't be delivered, so the doctor had to reach in with forceps and grab my head and untwist me 4 1/2 times. Afterwards, he said to my mother, "Well, Meredith, how did you like getting UN-screwed?" Sean and DrBrian were both talking about candy bars. I'm also bipolar. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you just wanna fucking kill yourself. Mac made that "Huh?" sound and it reminded me of the bumper sticker I saw today, "What would Scooby do?" I live in Castro Valley. Does anybody know where that is? About 5 miles west of here. There are only 2 main streets, Castro Valley Blvd and Redwood Road. DrBrian was talking about walking his dog. Dog owners, does this ever happen to you? Somebody comes up to your dog and instead of asking you his name, they ask the dog, "What's your name, boy?" And then the dog looks at you, like "What does he think I'm gonna do, answer?" I'd like to have a dog named Rumford, so when that happens my dog can SAY [bark] "Rumford." And then I say to him "And tell him where we live." And the dog can say, [bark] "Reh-roo Roa." SOME material about McCain's Grand for Grandma, including Acme Slingshot Company. ====== Other, practiced material >>> Jews don't eat pig bit. She got Creamated. Can't dance on an urn. Blowin' in the wind. Didn't have to turn her head. Could have swallowed. Which brings me to what Fillmore said about couples after being married a long time not performing oral sex. Like Bill, etc. Intro Hoover, plus 2 new bits, "I prefer a lubricated rubber." and "Ribbed for her pleasure." White Hose. I *am* a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.

Bunjo's - September 25, 2009 - fun, again

2009-09-26T17:43:00.000-07:00

A good set last night.

There were 10 performers on the scheduled line-up, but 13 showed up and got stage time. *All* were somewhere between good and excellent, a rarity. One popular local fellow walked in and got 5 minutes, and 2 *nationally known* comics made surprise appearances for longer sets. By "nationally known" I mean guys who've appeared on HBO & Comedy Central

I had tightened up the 5-minute set from Rooster's on Wednesday and intended to repeat it, but got *7* minutes of time and mostly just wallowed happily in ADHD riffs on earlier comics' topics.

As usual, I screwed up making a video, so don't have it.

I'll have to recall what I said from memory & notes, but will post what I can later.

There's been a pleasant trend of having better audience rapport & response.

As always, a lot of each set is topical/political material that I'm delivering without much live practice. It's difficult to get the writing and delivery right the first couple of times.

The GOOD news about doing call backs on other guys' sets is that I (mostly) can use material I wrote & rehearsed (if only in my head) before. It *looks* like spontaneous ad libs, but is of a higher quality than that.

The audience *loves* it when I say (as I did last night), "I wrote this excellent set for you tonight, but my ADD kicked in and I'm throwing it out. I wanna talk about what the other guys said instead." I went with that new-seeming material for at least half the set before getting back into what I had prepared, including some even newer and better material I added to the "Hoover" closer.

Rooster T. Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - Original Set

2009-09-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Here's the set I wrote, with annotations I made at the club before I went up of where I wanted to change the order. The original notes, with arrows, etc., would be more instructive, but you can look at this script and the video below to see how it went.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. 15

to #A [I also walk with a limp, after 4 surgeries on my left foot. I was taking vicodin and morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

My name is Richard, but my wife calls me by my American Indian name, "Walks with a limp...Dick." I don't wanna talk about it.]

First of all, happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends.

I'm not Jewish. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly [p] Baptist woman who married a skinny little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12 and she sat me down one day and told me, [p] "In 19 years of marriage to your father [p] I never had [p] an orgasm." Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? I thought about it and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

I mean, we REALLY didn't like each other. When she died I wanted to dance on her grave, but she thwarted me once AGAIN. She got cremated. There's no way to dance on the top of an URN. All I could do was hop up and down like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

#A You know mary travers of peter paul & mary died last Wednesday. If you're too young to know them, Peter Paul and Mary were enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & martin luther king were assassinated and during the protests against the war in viet nam.

There were stories that their song "puff the magic dragon" was about smoking weed. Or maybe it was just a childrens' song. Or maybe it was a childrens' song about smoking weed. Bill Clinton reportedly puffed in college, but says he didn't inhale. That is, btw, excellent advice for those of you who plan to take up glass blowing.

Think about it. Molten glass -- bad for the lungs.

If I had a Hammer, there'd be single payer healthcare.

After Obama's inauguration, George Bush is reported to have been singing this on the way home to Texas. "I'm leavin on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." Were you like me, watching that? I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were dating in college and very active in the anti-war movement. Young and passionate in ways we can't imagine them being now. And, like everyone else at the time, they had a favorite Peter Paul & Mary song. You see, Hillary came back to her dorm room after a date with Bill one night and her roommate asked, "How'd your hair get all sticky?" And Hillary replied, "The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind."

Well, she didn't HAVE TO turn her head. She COULD have swallowed.

There's not even a whisper of a breeze in the Oval Office. Look at Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.

My wife's in the audience. We've been married 28 years. [a] But, like Hillary Clinton, there are certain things she doesn't like to do for me anymore. So like Bill Clinton, I got a lover who does. I'd like to introduce her.to you now. Do you like it when your lover is noisy? When I turn her on, she is REALLY loud. Her name is Hoover [p]. She likes to do it for me ALL the time. She's different from all the women I used to know. I only used to go out with WHITE hose.

I'm a dirty old man. I've been Rich Orwell.

Rooster T, Feathers - Sept 23, 2009 - the video

2009-09-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

As I said in an earlier post, this was fun but very improvable. At least it was fairly-well received.

Roosters -- September 23, 2009 -- Improvable

2009-09-24T04:25:00.000-07:00

I had fun tonight.

Lots of areas need improvement, but I've added laugh-generating material to some of my reliable bits that work every time -- either (1) laugh starters in the setup BEFORE the punch line or (2) secondary add-on punch lines that build on or extend the duration of laughter.

That's all a fancy way of saying I'm linking more jokes into chunks of working material. A bit that might have run for a 0:50 now has two more jokes and goes 1:15. An excellent new 30 second bit has 2 more jokes that follow in 10 seconds -- sustaining, building momentum.

I'll post the video later.

I could list all the things I did wrong, but I won't. I know what they are. I also know what I did well.

I may also post the text of the set. As always, my focus is on the writing, but I need to change my focus to the delivery, the performance.

White teeth

2009-09-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

I've never cared about having a dazzling smile. I never got into the habit of brushing. Wore braces. Had a mom who didn't give a shit.

Say "la vee," I s'pose.

Anyway, I found this amazing product to whiten teeth. It's called PhotoShop. I just add a layer of white teeth to any digital photo and voila!

Dance on My Grave

2009-09-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

I know I've pissed off a lot of people in my life. Some would like to come to my funeral, just to dance on my grave, but I will have the last laugh because I plan to be cremated and it's really hard to dance on the top of an urn. They'll only be able to hop up and down on one foot, like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid. That movie reference shouldn't be too old for you. It only came out in 1984. LOL

Bunjo's - September 18, 2009 - A good set, for a change

2009-09-20T02:41:00.000-07:00

I *may* get around to posting the audio from my set when I get it. I forgot to bring my #$%^ing camera to shoot a video of it.

Unusually good audience interaction. It felt like my delivery was less rushed and my timing was better. When individual bits didn't work, my ad libs with the crowd did. A stronger stage presence. More focus *outward* than on the exact words I'd rehearsed. More comfortable and natural.

I know, I know. It wasn't *that* good. But it felt far better than other recent sets.

I started with much longer set notes, but crossed out all but the material I really *wanted* to use. Below are the notes I ended up using.

limp - surgeries -
dances w/ wolves
that was the name given to him by the Sioux Indians
my name is Richard, but wife calls me by Indian name
walks with a limp dick
dick doc

mary travers of peter paul & mary died wednesday of complications of chemo for leukemia
she was 72
enormously popular folk singers back when jfk & mlk were assassinated
and during the protests against the war in viet nam.
clinton blowin in the wind
bush after obama inaug. it is reported sang leavin on a jet plane
were you like me, watching ?
I thought, after 8 years of national constipation, at last the shit is gone
speaking of jet planes
the h1n1 epidemic has scared rush limbaugh so much that he fled the country
and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I wonder
rush limbaugh Michael Jackson during bush & obama admins
puff the magic dragon
didn't inhale, btw, good advice for those of you who want to take up glass blowing

cash for clunkers
grand for grandma
most medical money last 6 months

john mccain
grand canyon arizona
over a mile deep

death slingshot
family & friends pull back on rubber band
side-by-side dual slingshot
extra money for TV rights
hitting target 3600 feet below
america's wile e coyote exit strategy

Hoover (she's NOISY)

Lazy lately

2009-09-20T02:34:00.000-07:00

I've been performing a lot during this month of September, but not posting to this site. Sorry.

Other than being busy with other things, I've had a mind-technology meltdown. I forget to bring my camera or the batteries for it. Or the batteries die in the middle of my set. Or something else that means I would have to type the whole thing. I'm just not that energetic.

I have a few audio-only recordings in mp3 format. Maybe I'll figure out a way to post those.

Wharf Room Comedy - September 1, 2009 - The Set I Planned

2009-09-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

I had this well-written, nicely rehearsed 5 minute set ready. And then learned I would have *6* minutes, so added material I'd used before but *not* rehearsed for this show. I ended up changing it a bit, but did it mostly the way I had planned. I *may* get a video of the whole set and post more than what I did already below. Here is what I wrote.

How many of you are thinking, "That is the BEST super-hero disguise ever"? He must have *amazing* super-powers.

I AM Rich Orwell. The youngest, most attractive performer you will see tonight. I keep having surgeries on this foot. Four surgeries. 3 Doctors. I'm putting their kids through college. I've been taking Vicodin and Morphine for the pain. Available after the show.

By applause, do you think it's OK to start doing stand-up at age 59? That's good. I thought for a second there I'd have to limp off the stage.

In all that time, there's one thing I learned. The real difference between men and women. Men are simple and obvious. Ladies, would you agree? Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitalia. Men have exposed penises. Women have hidden agendas. If "agenda" doesn't sound like a sex organ, you need to get your head in the gutter.

Do you remember that Kevin Costner movie where the Indians named him "Dances With Wolves"? My name is Richard, but my wife likes to call me, "Walks with a limp ... dick."

[Inserted Dick-Doc bit here. See it in the video below]

I'm bipolar. Inherited it from my dad. They used to call it manic-depressive. Big mood swings. Being bipolar is like buying a candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you just wanna f-ckin' kill yourself.

Seriously, I was an *actual* hippie in the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, 17 years old during the Summer of Love, 1967. I'll be available after the show if you wanna have your picture taken with me. All that's different is: no shoulder-length hair, 100 pounds heavier and I don't smoke half my body weight in marijuana any more.

It's really good to be here in San Francisco again. My wife and I are natives, but we moved across the bay 20 years ago. We lived 8 blocks from here on Russian Hill. Have you visitors from out of town driven down Lombard Street? "The Crookedest Street in the World"? We lived a block away. It sounds close, but if you wanna walk there after the show, remember those are blocks "as the crow flies", but steep enough that even the crows take a cable car.

Here's a safety tip from a native. In the unlikely event of an earthquake, remember, don't overreact. Run to the nearest window, point outside, and yell "Godzilla!" That totally relieves the tension in the room, unless people around you believe it. Like Japanese tourists.

My wife is in the audience tonight. We've been married 28 years. She married me for my sense of humor, but stayed married for the Pope. Apparently, Catholics take that "no divorce" shit *seriously*.

I'm not Catholic. I come from a mixed marriage. My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist woman who married a skinny, little Jewish guy from New York. They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me, "In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm." Tell me. Is that "too much information" for a 12-year old? So I looked at her and said, "Of course not. Jews don't eat pig." Mom and I were never very close after that.

In closing, not only is my wife here, but I brought my girlfriend, too. After 28 years of marriage there are some things my wife doesn't like to do for me anymore. I think you can guess one of them when you meet my girlfriend. Her name is Hoover. Hi, honey. What do *you* like to do? I know how to turn her on. It's like a switch. She is *so* different from the women I went out with before. I only used to date white hose. You've been a great audience. I'm Rich Orwell.

Hidden Agendas, slightly improved telling

2009-09-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've told my "Women have hidden agendas" bit a few times and like *parts* of how I've told it each time. Last night was a bit rushed (a rushed bit?), but I think this will become a staple in my sets.

Wharf Room Comedy at Castagnola's. Sept 1, 2009

Even the Crows Take the Cable Car

2009-09-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Last night was my first time playing a club in San Francisco. Located in the Fisherman's Wharf area, it was 6 blocks from where Maryann & I lived for many years.

I wrote this joke for the occasion, but delivered it hastily. The NEXT time I do it, it will be awesome.

Wharf Room Comedy at Castagnola's. Sept 1, 2009.

She calls me, "Walks with a limp ... dick"

2009-09-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not the Adonis I used to be. After 4 surgeries on my left foot, I walk with a limp (or a cane). My "erectile dysfunction" issues seem typical for a man my age, so I put the 2 together in this bit. This was new material, delivered hastily, but I think you con see it has a future.

Wharf Room Comedy at Castagnola's in San Francisco, September 1, 2009.

Wharf Room Comedy - September 1, 2009 - "Learnings and Take-Aways"

2009-09-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

I say "Learnings and Take-Aways" because I have a vague sense that those are (somewhat) new buzz-words for the results of a business meeting. I didn't spend much time as a career clone in the corporate world

I went up as 2nd comic following the MC/host, DrBrian, & wasted a minute riffing on the first guy. This A.D.H.D. thing may work when I have time to plan changes, but not when flying by the seat of my massive pants.

Last night I heard at the last minute that I'd have *6* minutes after crafting a tight 5. Added 1 minute of other, unrehearsed, material. Got up there & pissed away a minute on first guy's dreck (although the riffs were material I'd used before & it all worked), then was so worried about not having enough time to do the set I'd written that I rushed through it, NOT allowing time for laughs to build, and lost concentration -- had to refer to notes all the time.

Pretty-much all the (excellently-written) material worked, and the (small) audience liked it, but I didn't give them a chance to REALLY like it because I talked too fast and too much. I didn't totally stink up the place, and the video looks better than I felt while doing it, but I'm pissed at myself. Maybe when I perform in the future I'll just wear headphones to drown out the earlier acts.

I'll post a few videos later.

Tommy T's - August 31, 2009

2009-08-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

I feel really good about tonight's performance. I got into the "Top 5" of 20 performers and actually felt like I deserved to be there.

Drew Pult won, as might be expected, and there was a 1st-timer there with an entourage who came in 2nd. Of the 3 others, I had a small following, but didn't feel like it was "mercy applause", as I had gotten before, but that a few folks actually liked my act.

I went up #10 (I think) and riffed on 5 performers who had been up before me. Luckily, the audience both (1) remembered the earlier comics & their material and (2) had enough energy to laugh & applaud. 2 or 3 comics later, they would have forgotten & had no energy. I timed my spot on the list well.

Two of the bits played directly off what others had said & done (*actual* ad libs). I had used the other 3 before, with some success, but making apparently spontaneous call backs to what the other folks said made the bits work better than they ever had before. Very gratifying.

I had expected to do a 5 minute set, in the new 20-performer-only format. But they changed it to *4* minute sets. I had timed each element, so I knew what to cut to make it into 4 minutes. Then, as I heard material for the new things, I adjusted the 4 minute set to make room.

I had planned 10 bits, for 4:50 total. Along the way, I ended up cutting 2:05, to make it 2:45, then added 1:15 of the new stuff for a total of 4:00.

There was nothing that fell flat. I also managed to *wait* for laughs better than I had ever done before. When I waited, the laughs came.

Afterwards, I congratulated a few of the performers I thought had done a good job and a few (of them and others) congratulated me. A good night.

In my infinite lack of technical expertise, of course, I managed to make neither a video nor an audio. [sigh]

No guarantees, but I *may* copy the old material and add the new stuff to make a sort of transcript to post later.

Paddy's Coffee House - August 28, 2009

2009-08-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

(I'm the old guy on the right side of the photo)

This was an *almost* new experience for me.

This neighborhood coffee house is in very-ethnic Union City. Other than the comics, I think I saw 2 Caucasians there, but everybody else appeared to be 18-year old Asians (mostly Southeast Asians, I believe).

The event was hosted by my friend Molly Sokhom, who is Cambodian, and all the other comics were (as usual) young people.

Pretty-much none of my material worked with that particular audience, until my "white hose" closer -- which always kills.

I said "*almost* new experience" because I once made a sales presentation to the Computer Operations department at the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco on the day after St. Patrick's day. "Paddy's Day" in San Francisco is like a holiday. Everybody goes out and gets drunk. The following day is when everybody has a hangover.

The particular presentation I gave contained a lot of humor -- I was emulating the style of the author of the product, who was very entertaining when he talked about it.

Oh, did I forget to mention that *100%* of the audience was Chinese? *They* weren't hung-over (nor was I) and *they* all sat there, *not* laughing for a solid hour. Talk about a "rough room."

I had the District Manager and a new Sales Rep with me, both of whom were there to observe my presentation and learn about the product from me. Unlike the Chinese audience, my 2 co-workers *were* hung-over and hugely amused at my plight.

Seriously, one hour with no audience response AT ALL.

The good news: I will never be crushed by having an act die on stage again.

I made a composite group photo of the comics in Photoshop from 2 photos my friend Tim shot.

Bunjo's - August 28, 2009 - Distracted fun

2009-08-29T02:08:00.000-07:00

I had fun tonight at Bunjo's, despite being distracted by needing be the first comic of the night, so I could leave to get to another gig 20 minutes away.

It *wasn't* polished, what with insufficient rehearsal time, so frequently referring to notes. But the bits mostly worked. Delivery will improve over time.

Here are two bits:

Tommy T's - August 24, 2009

2009-08-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

Man, it is *tough* to make some bits work. Maybe it's my misjudging the audience or my delivery, but some things I expect to work don't.

Two pieces of new material worked. Two didn't, but I'm going to keep working on one of them. *I* know it's funny.

Granddaughter Rachel

2009-08-25T00:51:00.000-07:00

You are so lucky! Tommy T's -- Aug 24, 2009

2009-08-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I wrote my set for tonight at Tommy T's. It's almost *all* new. Also, too long -- I can only do part of it.

The reason you're lucky is that I'm going to post it in its current draft form *here and now.* Get ready!
---

I began doing stand-up this year, at the tender age of 59. Can you show me by applause if you think that's OK? That's a relief.

I am, of course, a space alien playing a virtual reality game called "Life on Earth" that I may win only by achieving fame and fortune for my character "Rich Orwell", a mentally unstable stand-up comic. I have maximized the difficulty by choosing a sick, old body that will expire soon. When it does, I lose the game. [loudly into mic] Back in the bar. Did I leave my meds there?

When you get to be my age, your children and your grandchildren are grown.

David
I talked over the weekend on the phone with my son david. He's 41 and just got divorced after a 20 year marriage. He's a little rusty at dating, so he went to those online dating services. Maybe you've seen the ads on TV for eHarmony dot com, chemistry dot com and match dot com. You've probably never used them, so lemme tell you how they work. You spend a long time taking a personality test and talking about your likes and dislikes, then their computers and psychologists decide who's compatible and see if you wanna get together. Very hi-tech.

He started with eHarmony dot com. They rejected him. I didn't know they would do that. Apparently they feel like if they take your money but you're so twisted they can't get you any dates, you'll probably make a lot of trouble for them demanding your money back. So, Thanks, but no thanks.

Then he went to chemistry dot com. They scored his test and put him in a category they call "adventurer", like Captain Morgan or Marco Polo. The problem was, upon further review, they rejected him, too. They said the only category of women compatible with him was called "victim."

Do you see a trend here? Finally he went to match dot com. And I think he finally figured out why he kept getting rejected. All along he'd been telling them his favorite hobby is "playing with matches." Even match dot com doesn't wanna hear that "play with matches" shit. But at least they asked him for clarification. He wrote back, and I wrote it down. "I'm not some crazy pyromaniac. If you send me some women, I'll just tie them up and play with them. A little. I like to play with matches."

So he's still sitting at home alone, watching internet porn.

Rachel
His daughter Rachel, my sweet little granddaughter, is 19 now. She moved to Hollywood by herself last year to become a movie or TV actress. And I guess she found some success. A friend emailed me he saw her first video on the internet. So I took a look. I thought at first it was about a registered nurse (you know, a R.N.) at the post office, the P.O. It was on a site like YouTube called You p-o r-n. Have you heard of it? I didn't watch the whole thing, but I can tell you the title and a little of the plot. I don't want to offend anybody, so when I get to certain words that start with the letter "B" I'll just say "B" and you can shout out what you think the word is, OK. If you don't guess right, Then I'll give you a hint. OK? The title was "On your knees, B" -- what's the word? That's right Brenda. That was her character's name. She comes into frame wearing a catholic schoolgirls uniform and says to this guy, "I took the virgin pledge, so I'm saving myself for my wedding night. But I can B you." What's the word? That's right baloney you. "Or you can put it in my B" My Be kind to animals." Her grandma and I are so proud, this year for her birthday, I think we'll give her TWO big stuffed teddy bears.

earthquake
As a native San Franciscan and lifetime resident of the bay area, I've been through a LOT of earthquakes. So I don't overreact.

I was in the basement of the student union at UC Berkeley, playing a video game when the Loma Prieta quake hit in 1989. I had the same reaction as everybody else in the room. Pause for a moment. Go back to playing. If a multi-story building is gonna collapse on your head, so be it. I had a *quarter* invested in that game. And I was gonna beat the high score. Ya gotta have priorities.

I think the best thing you can do in an earthquake is not what they tell you: hide under a table, run out of the building or stand in a doorway. The most fun is to run to a window, point out into the sky and yell, [shout] "Godzilla!" Then look into the eyes of any tourists around you, just to see who wasn't sure if you were telling the truth.

grand for grandma
now that the cash for clunkers program has run out of money, Obama secretly wants to introduce a medical cost-cutting measure called "grand 4 grandma." A tremendous part of our medicare, insurance, and private healthcare dollars go into "end-of-life" care. Money for procedures during the last 6 months of life. If the family is willing to NOT take those extraordinary steps and euthanize grandma painlessly, not only will they save all that money, but the government will GIVE them $1,000.

TEN thousand if she allows herself to be videotaped jumping off the "Grand Canyon Skywalk." The horseshoe-shaped glass walkway that stands at 3,600 feet above the floor of the canyon. A skydiver cameraman jumps first to tape grandma's fall -- the only difference is grandma doesn't have a parachute. extra TEN thousand in government money if grandma can hit a target painted below, although she needs to adjust for tricky, swirling canyon winds and doesn't get a second chance. there is absolutely no danger of grandma being injured or maimed because death is certain, but it is entirely likely she will be puréed, liked mashed potatoes or apple sauce. If they can find what's left of her liver, it can be made into a tasty spread for crackers and labeled with her name and the words Pate de fois moi. Liver paste of me. The family can pay Anthony Hopkins to come to her wake as Hannibal Lecter and eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. f-f-f-f-f-f If willing to forego the chance at the extra money for grandma landing on target, the family can earn an extra TWENTY thousand dollars by allowing them to be filmed while pulling a slingshot in which grandma is seated back far enough to launch her even further out above the canyon floor. The official term for this shall be the Wile E. Coyote "send off."

Ask any republican. THIS is where the democrat's healthcare reform will lead. The Obama Death Slingshot.

Bunjo's - August 21, 2009 - Still not the best, but fun

2009-08-22T17:36:00.001-07:00

Another evening of only semi-stellar performing. The older, tried-and-true material worked, but only *some* of the new stuff.

I continue to be aware how difficult it is to do topical humor. That "common ground" issue keeps coming up. While *I* am a news junkie, most of the people in the audience aren't. Further, talking about current events means my material is unpracticed, not polished & rehearsed.

Tom Ridge's revelations about the Bushie's political manipulation of the Homeland Security Threat Level was lost on the crowd. So was Michael Vick's "60 Minutes" interview & its ramifications.

I absolutely need to go autobiographical. The story about granddaughter Rachel's video on YouPorn worked OK (on the younger members of the audience only). Perhaps talking next time about son David's experience with internet dating will work better. At least people of all ages (who watch TV) will have heard of those dating sites. I can also go more "PG" than "R" or "X" talking about dating instead of porno.

I can also go local-geographical. "Godzilla" bit, get ready for some stage time!

As always, I'll look at the video & decide what to post.

Update: I looked at the video. Of a 7:30 set, 3 minutes *worked*. 1 minute old, 2 minutes new. That only leaves 4:30 minutes of new material that *didn't* work. Grim. [sigh]

Roosters - August 19, 2009 - The set I planned.

2009-08-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

*Some* things worked tonight at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, Ca. Others didn't, and I tend to fixate on those. Too many words. Too many non-words. Delivery too rushed. Not adequately rehearsed.

All that aside, a good time. Laughs where I expected them. Some of them long and loud.

As always, the set I wrote is MUCH better than what I delivered. I'll post that ACTUAL set later, with links to short video segments (i.e. only the bits that worked).
-------------

Let's address the elephant in the room, the thing we all see but don't talk about. Yes. I AM the youngest, most attractive comic you'll see tonight. Show me by applause if you thinks it's OK for a 59-year old man to start doing stand-up.

Are there other guys named Richard here? What do people call you for short? Rich, Rick, Dick? Guys called Dick have a bad reputation. Dick Nixon, Dick Cheney. So when I got my native American name, I didn't like the way my wife says it. "Walks with a limp... dick"

did you see Michael Vick on 60 minutes Sunday? You know about this guy? highest paid quarterback in history who played for the Atlanta Falcons and was convicted of running a dog fighting operation in Virginia for 6 years. Now he's out of prison, got attorneys, agents and media advisers to help him through interviews like 60 minutes. He will be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFL, where there are a lot of aggressive dog lovers. He may be involved in a lot of penalties.

I think he's already been sent to prison for unsportsmanlike conduct, but he may be exposed to to unnecessary roughness, Intentional pounding, and (especially since we're here at Roosters) personal fowls.

It's a good thing Philadelphia Eagles are in the NFC East, so it won't be until the super bowl when he may have to meet the AFC North team, the newly-renamed Steelers, the Pittsburg Pit Bulls.

Bill Clinton in the news, getting those reporters out of N Korea. I saw him on CNN being debriefed by Pres. Obama in the white house situation room. Remember him saying he smoked marijuana but "Didn't inhale"? "Don't inhale" is the first thing they teach you in glass blowing class.

Do you or your family watch pbs kids' shows, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, Barney? Mark Sanford, the Governor of South Carolina who disappeared for 5 days over (and you gotta love this) fathers' day weekend in June to visit his mistress in Argentina. On his return, he gave a press conference where he called his mistress his quote soul mate unquote. His wife is, understandably upset. He's trying to work things out. He took his wife & 4 sons on a 2 week vacation to Europe. Returned on a Wednesday. His wife took a little time to recover from jet lag, then took the boys and moved out Friday. He's facing ethics charges for having the state pay for his ticket to Argentina. His wife gave Vogue Magazine an interview where she said, "I have learned that these affairs are almost like an addiction to alcohol or pornography." So who is the object of his addiction. The media hasn't been showing pictures of her, but I obtained one. Who can blame him? [show] Carmen Sandiego. What a babe. Where in the world is Mark Sanford? He's in Argentina.

After 28 years, my wife refuses to do certain things for me. So, like Mark Sanford, I got a mistress, too. She likes to do what I want ALL the time. Let me introduce her to you now. Her name is Hoover. And she's very different from all the other women I've known. I only used to date white hose.

Tommy T's - August 17, 2009

2009-08-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

This felt worse at the time that it plays on the video. I'd give it a B- grade overall. But I *really* need to stop saying "You Know" all the time. Speaking coaches call these "non-words", just like "uhh". Weak. I had a new topical bit about Michael Vick that I didn't deliver well. But I'll do it better at Roosters on Wednesday. I also introduced a new bit about my granddaughter Rachel's YouPorn video. Parts of it worked well. I just need to tighten it a bit. The Mark Sanford bit worked better, now that I eliminated the 2 book covers. The hose closer, of course, killed. At Dr. Brian's suggestion, I included a reference to Chris Rock that worked well.

You can see the video at http://bit.ly/3ViOVe

Bunjo's - August 14, 2009 - Not the best, but fun

2009-08-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

http://bit.ly/c6ptD

Enjoy. Please.

[Note: this is a slightly shorter version of the same video from before]

Screw you -- I'm busy and tired

2009-08-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

I decided I might NOT transcribe and post the two sets I performed last week. If I had the videos, no problem. But typing all that sh*t feels like WORK. When I get rich and famous, I'll HIRE somebody to transcribe it all. :)

What I can offer you instead is a video of the complete set I did last night at Bunjo's Comedy Club in Dublin, Ca. Not my BEST set, but fun, anyway.

Remiss

2009-08-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss in not posting this week. I have to transcribe and post the sets from Tommy's on Monday and Bunjo's on Friday. I'm taking tomorrow night off, so maybe I'll get them done then. I'm mad at myself for not bringing fresh batteries for the camera Monday & starting the video too early Friday, so I have only the first *few* minutes of my set. [sigh] On each occasion, though, I recorded the audio, so at least I can copy down the words for you when I get a chance, gentle reader.

I joined MySpace Comedy today, something I've been consciously avoiding. MySpace has become the "crazy uncle" of social networking sites. Too many teens, tweens, and crazies. But I need the presence, so I did it (MySpace.com/richorwell). I mostly use Facebook (Facebook.com/rich.orwell) and Twitter (Twitter.com/rhetorich).

If you want it, you can make a bid on the domain name "sitonmyfacebook.com" Best of luck.

I also joined a few more SIGs (Special Interest Groups) at Mensa, so I need to read all *those* daily email digests. I've got 100 digests from my 2 Yahoo pun groups to read, too.

On the comedy gig front, I've booked open mic nights and new talent showcases in the next few weeks at 3 clubs outside my "comfort zone" of Tommy T's and Bunjo's: a second appearance at Rooster's in Sunnyvale, and first appearances at Paddy's Coffee House in Union City and the Wharf Room at Castagnola's restaurant in San Francisco. It will be a good learning experience to work at different clubs, each with its own audience mix.

I've decided to change the flavor of my sets to more "biographical" and less "current news & politics". This will require a good deal of writing, but I have until Friday to work on it.

Brief Throught

2009-08-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

I'll post more about last night's set at Tommy T's tomorrow. But this is what I put on Facebook last night:

Tonight at Tommy T's, I was the one who sucked most of the ones who sucked least. Which is to say: of the 30 comics who performed, the audience got to vote for a favorite among the "top 8" chosen by management. While I got the least votes of those 8, at least I got to be in the group. As her father's character said to Jodie Foster in the movie "Contact", "Small moves, Ellie, small moves."

Healthy, defined

2009-08-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Maryann, Wife Charming, after the several times it takes to walk all the dogs, is feeling a little "down" physically. So I took her blood pressure and blood sugar. Pressure was a tad high, but the sugar was 99 -- which is to say, perfect.

On those rare occasions I take a non-diabetic's blood sugar, it always amazes me that it comes up plus-or-minus a point or two of 100.

Hurray for the human body. Go pancreas!

Lately

2009-08-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

I've been entering the text of the several hundred jokes I wrote into a database, complete with keywords to find them & string them together into comedy routines.

This is tedious, mind-numbing work.

I have A.D.D. I don't do "tedious." I don't do "mind-numbing."

What I *do* is find distractions to take me away from getting the work done.

Squirrel!

Rhetoric Dept Grad Speech -- the Joke

2009-08-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

I love to share this story with rhetoricians.

I graduated with honors in Rhetoric in 1993 from the University of California, Berkeley, and won the competition to be the opening speaker at graduation. The competition consisted of delivering our (5 minute) speeches to the department chair and some faculty members.

When the Chair told me I had won, he also told me I would have to delete a joke from the speech I had written. Censorship at Berkeley? Amazing.

I was given a choice: tell the joke and lose my honors status or not.

Here's the joke:

"Because there's no 'pre-law' major at Berkeley, many future lawyers here study Rhetoric. It is a rare opportunity for those of us who do not intend to become lawyers to observe the lawyer in its larval stage, before it pupates as a pupil at law school and emerges as a full-fledged, adult, blood-sucking parasite."

The Chair said, "The PARENTS of those future lawyers will be in the audience." I replied, "They'll understand that something is either actionable or not. They may even like it. It will roll off them like water from a duck's back." At that point the Chair reiterated his "don't tell it or else" position.

So I didn't tell it.

BTW, in the tradition of oral presentation, the department gives each graduating student the opportunity to give a 30-second statement when his or her name is called. It's a lot of fun to watch.

Roosters - July 29, 2009 - the set I planned

2009-07-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

This is far better than the set I actually performed. [sigh]

Good evening. I AM Rich Orwell. Just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. Struggling to overcome anorexia.

I'm moving a little slowly. You may have noticed the cane. I had some surgery on my left foot but I'm getting better. I was taking Vicodin and Morphine. Available in the parking lot.

I brought some news stories, but first my wife's here tonight. Saturday is our *28th* anniversary. If I forget we got married on "8-1-8-1", I'm in some serious trouble.

It's a good thing she picked a date that's easy to remember. At my age, "getting lucky" means when I leave Mall, I can find the car. My wife got me this [show] to help. ["Section A, Aisle 5."], but sometimes I forget to use it when I PARK, so when I leave the mall, I hear this ["You're a dumbshit."] }}}

Yes, 28th years... the secret is compatibility. Actually, she's clinically depressed and I'm bipolar, but we make it work somehow. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. Bring your prescription pads.

I'm unemployed and broke, just like California. I always buy her roses on our anniversary. So this year, like California, I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs.

I was hoping to find something nice, but inexpensive, at Kay Jewelers. No luck. I was looking at the display case when the salesperson came over and said, "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." So I looked up and said, "You know what else, every piss begins with pee." That really pissed HER off.

One thing I learned. Men are simple and obvious. Women are complex and mysterious. Am I right? I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas.

Well, what's in the news?

Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska. I hope the next time we see her is on a float as the oldest Queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival. She's already been declared persona au gratin. Don't boo.

President Obama, Professor Gates, and the cop who arrested him are having a beer at the White House tomorrow night. THAT won't be awkward. But after a coupla beers, they'll all be best buddies. It'll be like, "Let's see who can piss from the balconey to the Rose Garden."

Well, we lost ANOTHER celebrity last week. The Taco Bell Chihuahua. Do you remember those "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" ads from 1997 til the year 2000, the last 3 years Clinton was in office? I always thought that dog was really cute. Cuter than the other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [p] That bitch was ugly.

H1N1 is spreading. The World Health Organization has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu.

Yeah, 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a piece of string, and my wife won't even touch it. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was date WHITE hose. Good night.

Roosters - July 29, 2009

2009-07-30T01:30:00.000-07:00

First time at a new club for me tonight, Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I'd seen at least 4 of the 15 comics before at Tommy's or Bunjo's: David Studebaker hosted (& was VERY funny) -- I remember him being at T's once. Dr. Brian, who manages/hosts the Wharf Room (in Castagnola's restaurant in the City). Veronica Porras and Sean Sinha. Some acts went over time -- which they signal with the red light VIGOROUSLY, but only one finally got the "get off the stage" music. In my limited open mic club experience, this was the most professional operation I've seen.

I feel good about some aspects of it and not-so-good about others.

I went up 9th of 15 comics and was distracted by what some of the other folks had said before me (surprise!). The good news is I can play more effectively to the crowd by talking about something they heard from another comic. The bad news is the distraction of thinking about the other folks wrecks my concentration on what I was going to say -- I end up hurting the set I had prepared before I got on stage.

Of the dozen bits I had prepared, I ended up leaving out 5 of them. This gets to be another one of those dual-set postings later -- the set I delivered and the set I had PLANNED to deliver.

The "learning" from this is that I would have done better to bring notes with me, as several of the other comics had done, saying (truthfully) I was working on new material, and stuck to what I had written. I've done this before and felt "weak", but I should place more trust in my writing (at least for now) and worry less about appearance.

A second thing I learned is something I *thought* I had learned before, to have less material and deliver it more slowly and with better timing. When I sit at the computer and read it aloud, even putting in pauses where I anticipate laughter, it goes *much* faster than on stage. If I'm clever enough to write 4 new gags and add them to another 8 I've used before to make a dozen in total, *maybe* I should just do the 8 old ones WELL. Or maybe I should re-work the set to only have a *mix* of 8 or 10, but not all 12.

The good news is that overall I think I had good rapport with the audience and adjusted well to them. The jokes I wanted to work *did*. I improved the way I told some of them in the middle of telling them -- which is the *upside* of having A.D.D.

I'm a harsh critic, but I can tell (almost always) I'm improving each time I get on stage. I would dearly love to get into a situation similar to what the SFCC people have -- longer sets and more of them every week.

Bunjo's - July 25, 2009 - The actual set

2009-07-25T00:50:00.000-07:00

[This set actually ran about 6:30. I still need to listen to the audio again to make minor changes (and to indicate where I got laughs and applause), but it's pretty close.]

Where are my people with attention deficit disorder? [a] Where are you? (squirrel!)
I got ADD, so I wrote this really tight set and after hearing the comedians before me all I wanna do is riff on what *they* did.

Rick's been married 25 years [previous comic, Rick Romero]. I been married *28* years August 1s. My wife was very smart. She said we're gonna get married 8-1-8-1. Which, you know, if I forget that & I'm in really deep shit.

I always buy her roses on our anniversary, but this year I'm unemployed. We live in California, so this year I'm going to give her a dozen red IOUs. [l]

As you can tell, just another of tonight's attractive, young comedians. [Gesture of "What? You don't believe it?"] Winning the battle with anorexia. [l]

I was driving over here tonight and I was thinking, "You know what Sarah Palin would say if she were here tonight?" From the parking lot [turn & point], I can see Australia. [L][a] The Outback Steakhouse [restaurant across the parking lot]. [l]

Yes, 28th anniversary. We're still very compatible. Actually, we're both unemployed and depressed. If you wanna get us a gift, we're registered at Rite-Aid. The 25th is the silver anniversary; The 28th is Zoloft. Bring your prescription pad.

She still likes it when I say her name in bed, after 28 years, now I have to write it on my hand every night.

One thing I learned. Men are simple. Women are mysterious. I think it has to do with our genitals. A man has an exposed penis. Women have hidden agendas. [building L] That's a dirty word, kids.

I went to Kay Jewelers, hoping to find something really inexpensive, but there was nothing I liked. I was staring at the display case when the salesperson came over. A little aggressive, I think, in this economy. "You know, every kiss begins with Kay." And I said, "You know? Every piss begins with pee." [L] That really pissed HER off. [L][L] Lemme tell you.

[note: I cut the following paragraph down to 35 seconds] Did you hear this? A friend of President Obama, a very prominent black Harvard Professor was arrested at his Cambridge, Massachusetts home after a 911 call reported "a black man breaking into a house." He got into a verbal confrontation with the cop and was taken in for disorderly conduct. At a news conference, Obama called the police action "Stupid." Stepped on his dick. So now there's a firestorm of unrest with every black person who ever felt racially profiled and every cop who feels slandered up on arms. Oops.

Now the internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a transcript of a similar 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D.C. We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation.
"Washington Metro Police. What is your emergency? ... You see a black man breaking into a house? What's the address? ... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr. Limbaugh." [L][a]

I got an audience participation thing. For this next story, when I gesture, I want you to say WHO, ok? Let's try it [gesture]. Great. H1N1 is back is making a comeback. The World Health Organization [gesture] Very good. The World Health Organization [gesture] (never gets old) [L] has declared a world wide pandemic and expects a million cases in the US alone. Rush Limbaugh has fled the country and is broadcasting from an undisclosed location. And I don't know about you, but I kinda wonder where the swine flu. [L][L]

As Jim [Jim Kruder, who was up earlier] mentioned, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. You remember those ads that ran for 3 years, from 1997 til the year 2000 during the Clinton administration? You remember, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" I always thought that dog was really cute. A lot cuter than that other one, Chihuahuanica Lewinsky. [L][L] Yeah, that bitch was ugly. [L]

I'm gonna close with this. 28 years of marriage. Now my dick is limp as a length of yarn, and my wife won't even touch the thing. So I got a new girlfriend. She likes to do what my wife won't. Lemme introduce her to you. Her name is, name is Hoover. [show vacuum hose prop] Yeah, she wants it ALL the time. She's very different. When I was younger, all I used to do was ... was date WHITE hose. [L][L]

Good night. [a]

First time at Rooster T. Feathers

2009-07-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

Please come watch my maiden voyage at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA, on Wednesday, July 29,2009.

Tommy T's - July 20, 2009 - Kay Jewelers

2009-07-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

This wasn't my best set, but didn't seem as bad while reviewing the video as it did when performing it.

Only one element was worth posting.

Bunjo's - July 17, 2009 - The actual set + Videos

2009-07-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned earlier, the evening was partially a roast of John, the owner, so there's a section of that material near the beginning. He had opened the show talking about Sarah Palin & Match dot com, then wondering why his girlfriend Julie puts up with him. (Hence some of the jokes)

John (host): We're gonna bring up our next comic, a new good friend of mine. Give it up for Rich Orwell.

Me: Hi, everybody ["Hi", "Hello"]. Anybody here have ADD or kids with ADD [one audience member points out another]? You? Your friend pointed you out. *I* have ADD, so I wrote my whole set while John was talking. [l]

First of all, Sarah Palin. You know Sarah Palin? You know what she would say if she were here tonight? "From the parking lot [turn & point] I can see Australia" [there's an Outback Steakhouse across the parking lot from the restaurant/club where we were]. [L][L] Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. [L]

And she's quitting as governor of Australia [Oops! -- total flub -- I *meant* to say Alaska. Audience shouted out "Alaska". I tried to recover, saying... ] What can I say? Yeah, Alaska is like Australia, but without the snaykes and spidahs [<= Aussie accent].

But, anyway, she's quitting as governor of Alaska, and in a year she's gonna be the queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival, because she doesn't have much of a future in politics [should have reversed those 2 clauses], and she's already been declared "persona au gratin." [L][L] Thank you for being literate, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to sing something for you, but I won't. [l] Dim sum enchanted evening. [L] Everybody remember South Pacific? We're in this lovely Dim Sum restaurant.

John mentioned match dot com. *I* tried match dot com [p] and they rejected me ["Aww"]. Yeah, I told them I like to play with matches. [p][L][some groans] You'd think they'd be more tolerant. [l]

And, uhh, John talked about Julie and wondered how she puts up with him. I don't think she has to put up with him very *far* [gesture w/ thumb & index finger for "small"]. [L] Dick jokes, you have to love 'em, don't you? [L][L}

And John's a golfer. Did you hear Tiger Woods didn't make the cut today in the British Open? Any golfers here [needed longer pause here & audience interaction]? ["Yeah"] He missed it by one stroke. He went on TV and said, "I made some mistakes. I screwed up." And I think Julie says until John loses 50 pounds he's gonna ONLY screw up. [some building laughs, but more groans]

OK. We're gonna only go with clean jokes, very clean jokes. Let's talk about dinosaurs. [L] Jurassic Park humor.

So here I am, a teacher in dinosaur elementary school. [should have made this some *other* person] And there's a little dinosaur there and I say, [talking to child voice] "You know, you have the biggest vocabulary. What kind of dinosaur ARE you?" And the little dinosaur says, "I'm a thesaurus." [groans, some L]. That is the *cutest* joke. I swear to God. My wife laughs at that EVERY time. [continuing l] She has Alzheimer's. It's new to her every time. [L]

H1N1 is now a world wide pandemic and they're not treating it [oops], not counting individual cases, only clusters around the world. One million cases in the US, ladies and gentlemen. And Rush Limbaugh got very scared and he left. Do you all know Rush? [boos] You like him? That's horrible. [building l] And he left the country, he left the country, and he's broadcasting from an unknown location. I kinda wonder where the swine flew. [some groans, but mostly L and some applause]

We're nearly at the end of this. We're gonna try to make it short.

You women are gonna love this. They're opening up a new chain of collagen injection spas and studios [said it badly]. It's called "Angelina Jo-lip." [some groans, but mostly big L] She's got those natural lips.

I'm gonna close with this because we've got a lot of comics and I respect your time. If Porky Pig took his girlfriend Petunia to Paris on vacation, and they were in the hotel the first night, and Petunia came out of the bathroom and asked, "Porky, what's that extra appliance in here?" He'd say, "A bidet, a bidet, a bidet, a bidet. That's all folks!" Thanks very much.

John: Give it up for Rich Orwell. You're never too old to live your dream.